"Boyfriend" is ignoring me

[Susaluda]

So me and my "boyfriend" (I don't even know if I can call him that since he's being such a jerk but we haven't officially broken up yet) have had problems for a while since he's always busy. I was away halfway across the world for 8 weeks so we had some time apart and I didn't see him the week before I left (because he said he didn't have time...). We talked a lot while I was away and it seemed like he wanted to see me when I got back and we'd planned to go camping.

 

However now that I'm back, we didn't even talk until about 3 days after I got back and it was me who started the conversation. It ended badly when I brought up the camping and we got in a fight since he didn't want to plan it. His grandma is in the hospital which is a legitimate excuse for once but he's always coming up with excuses and reasons why he can't plan stuff. He always puts everything else in his life before me, especially if it's some kind of work he has to do.

 

Now we haven't spoken since then. It's been over a week since we last talked. I've sent him two emails apologizing for the way things ended in that last conversation and asked him to please talk to me so we can sort things out. He hasn't responded to either. I texted him last night and he still won't talk to me. How do I get him to talk to me so we can work things out or more likely, break up? He's being a complete jerk and this needs to get sorted out. I'm just sitting waiting around.

[Susaluda]

Also a bit more info: I'm 19, he's 22. He just graduated from undergrad and is going to grad school to get his PhD. We started dating last December and I'm his first girlfriend.

[Rorschach]

He's just not that into you. Doesn't sound like he has much interest in continuing the relationship.

[Susaluda]

Yeah I've figured that out, but how do I end it if he won't even talk to me? I want to end it in person. He owes me at least that much.

[Rorschach]

Yeah I've figured that out, but how do I end it if he won't even talk to me? I want to end it in person. He owes me at least that much.

 

If he won't even answer the phone/return a call personally I'd just stop trying and move on. If you want to tell him to his face that it's over that can be tough, especially if he's not cooperating, maybe just show up at his home/work/class and tell him that way. Doesn't sound like this guy is ready to date.

[Susaluda]

Yeah I feel like I'm going to have to do something like that but I don't even know where he is since he moved into his new apartment yesterday. He might be living there or maybe he just dumped his stuff there and went back home. I've talked with his sister a little bit so I'm trying to talk to her more for help.

[Stung]

So me and my "boyfriend" (I don't even know if I can call him that since he's being such a jerk but we haven't officially broken up yet) have had problems for a while since he's always busy. I was away halfway across the world for 8 weeks so we had some time apart and I didn't see him the week before I left (because he said he didn't have time...). We talked a lot while I was away and it seemed like he wanted to see me when I got back and we'd planned to go camping.

 

However now that I'm back, we didn't even talk until about 3 days after I got back and it was me who started the conversation. It ended badly when I brought up the camping and we got in a fight since he didn't want to plan it. His grandma is in the hospital which is a legitimate excuse for once but he's always coming up with excuses and reasons why he can't plan stuff. He always puts everything else in his life before me, especially if it's some kind of work he has to do.

 

Now we haven't spoken since then. It's been over a week since we last talked. I've sent him two emails apologizing for the way things ended in that last conversation and asked him to please talk to me so we can sort things out. He hasn't responded to either. I texted him last night and he still won't talk to me. How do I get him to talk to me so we can work things out or more likely, break up? He's being a complete jerk and this needs to get sorted out. I'm just sitting waiting around.

 

 

So far the only concrete thing I see is that you went away for 8 weeks and he missed you, but when you got back and wanted to go camping, he couldn't because his grandmother is in the hospital--and it doesn't sound like you were supportive of him at all. Is he very close with his grandma? Maybe he has life-and-death things on his mind right now? The illness or death of a family member should come before your camping trip, sorry. And the other things you mention he puts before you are--work. I'm guessing he needs his job and would like to advance his career, good work ethics and ambition are positive qualities.

 

If you went gallivanting off for two months and then came home and jumped all over me because 1) I had to work and 2) my grandma was dying I'd be upset with you, too, for being insensitive and self-absorbed. Are you sure he's the one being the jerk here? Is there more to the story?

[Rorschach]

Yeah I feel like I'm going to have to do something like that but I don't even know where he is since he moved into his new apartment yesterday. He might be living there or maybe he just dumped his stuff there and went back home. I've talked with his sister a little bit so I'm trying to talk to her more for help.

 

It's a tough scenario, I don't envy you. Sounds like you might be dodging a bullet though, anybody who isn't even man enough to send something as stupid as a text message break up is not worth it at all.

 

I mean honestly can anybody imagine a worse way to break up with somebody than just stop returning her calls with no explanation? What a loser...

[Susaluda]

So far the only concrete thing I see is that you went away for 8 weeks and he missed you, but when you got back and wanted to go camping, he couldn't because his grandmother is in the hospital--and it doesn't sound like you were supportive of him at all. Is he very close with his grandma? Maybe he has life-and-death things on his mind right now? The illness or death of a family member should come before your camping trip, sorry. And the other things you mention he puts before you are--work. I'm guessing he needs his job and would like to advance his career, good work ethics and ambition are positive qualities.

 

If you went gallivanting off for two months and then came home and jumped all over me because 1) I had to work and 2) my grandma was dying I'd be upset with you, too, for being insensitive and self-absorbed. Are you sure he's the one being the jerk here? Is there more to the story?

 

Well first of all it's been months that he's been canceling plans for all kinds of reasons and not having time for me. Yes he is definitely the one being the jerk. I have sent him two emails apologizing profusely about if I seemed insensitive about his Grandma and told him I am there for him. I also told him I'll wait about the camping, although it looks very unlikely that it will happen. Of course his family comes before our camping trip. It would've been easier for me to see that in the first place if it was the first time he had canceled something or been vague about planning it. He just keeps leading me on and then checking out. I don't understand why he won't talk to me at all. If I did something wrong apart from the stuff I apologized for, how am I supposed to make it better if he won't talk to me?

[Susaluda]

It's a tough scenario, I don't envy you. Sounds like you might be dodging a bullet though, anybody who isn't even man enough to send something as stupid as a text message break up is not worth it at all.

 

I mean honestly can anybody imagine a worse way to break up with somebody than just stop returning her calls with no explanation? What a loser...

 

Yeah, seriously! I should add that before he even knew about his Grandma he was still disappearing for a few days (we've only talked online this whole summer even though I've suggested skype or phone calls) with no explanation and seemed very vague when I tried to actually plan our camping trip that HE'D suggested in the first place!

 

If I was the one in the wrong then my mom would've told me what I need to do to fix it. She agrees with me that he is being a jerk (I know she's my mom but she'll still tell me if I'm wrong).

 

So now that I hope I've shown you that it's not me, it's him, the original question was how I can get him to talk to me again even though that'll probably be just to break up with him.

[Rorschach]

Yeah, seriously! I should add that before he even knew about his Grandma he was still disappearing for a few days (we've only talked online this whole summer even though I've suggested skype or phone calls) with no explanation and seemed very vague when I tried to actually plan our camping trip that HE'D suggested in the first place!

 

*mind drifts away to secluded camping trips with a GF* ......

 

*snaps back to reality*

 

aaaanyway. I think the biggest sign for me is that he didn't want to see you the week before you left, I don't care how busy I was if my GF was going to be leaving for 2 months I'd be spending every last second I had with her! C'mon you were going to be gone for the next 2 months, that was his last chance to see you and he didn't even visit once? Unacceptable.

[Susaluda]

*mind drifts away to secluded camping trips with a GF* ......

 

*snaps back to reality*

 

aaaanyway. I think the biggest sign for me is that he didn't want to see you the week before you left, I don't care how busy I was if my GF was going to be leaving for 2 months I'd be spending every last second I had with her! C'mon you were going to be gone for the next 2 months, that was his last chance to see you and he didn't even visit once? Unacceptable.

 

Thank you! That's EXACTLY what I told him! It was at that point that he said he wanted a "less serious relationship for now" but he made it sound like he wanted to get back together eventually and didn't want to break up. He'd just graduated college and had a lot of stressful work so he was overwhelmed at that point so that was somewhat understandable although difficult. Then while I was away, we talked a lot the first 4 weeks and he said he missed me and was "going out of his mind" and suggested camping so I just don't get it.

 

Also in response to one of the previous posts, his work ethic is EXTREME. Yes of course ambition and working hard are good qualities, but he's at workaholic level. I'm a hard worker too but he takes it way too far. When I said he puts everything before me, I mean EVERYTHING, not just work. Stuff like waxing his truck (which he seems to have been doing all summer) will come before talking to me even if we haven't talked in days.

[Stung]

If all that's true, then it sounds like he's doing the 'coward's fade-out,' where he tries to drop off the face of the earth rather than spend a hard half-hour having a serious breakup conversation with you. If that's the case, yes he is being a jerk, because he's a bit weak. Since he's pretty young, it's not that uncommon.

I would not worry about talking to him but just send him an email that's simple and concise, no more than a few lines expressing your disappointment in his poor communication skills and saying goodbye. Then consider yourself a free woman and go on your merry way.

[Rorschach]

Maybe another girl is 'waxing his truck'.

 

I think this relationship is over anyway and probably has been for awhile so it probably doesn't matter but it sounds to me like he's probably getting some attention from elsewhere. I think alot of guys will lose interest when they meet someone new, it's only the real sleazy guys who won't even give the old GF the courtesy of telling them that it's over.

[Susaluda]

If all that's true, then it sounds like he's doing the 'coward's fade-out,' where he tries to drop off the face of the earth rather than spend a hard half-hour having a serious breakup conversation with you. If that's the case, yes he is being a jerk, because he's a bit weak. Since he's pretty young, it's not that uncommon.

I would not worry about talking to him but just send him an email that's simple and concise, no more than a few lines expressing your disappointment in his poor communication skills and saying goodbye. Then consider yourself a free woman and go on your merry way.

 

 

 

I wish I could do that but I just can't. I need to see him and get all my feelings out (i.e. get really angry and do what I can to make him feel guilty) and that can't be done in an email.

 

I would highly, highly doubt there is another girl. He doesn't have time for that and his sister says he still has feelings for me, although that's hard to believe.

Edited September 2, 2010 by Susaluda