Considering leaving after 14 years - my husband is draining us dry

[TiredSue]

I posted part of this as a reply on another thread, but it is probably more appropriate to post it here.

 

My husband is very kind and affectionate, and an excellent father. Very helpful around the house. And absolutely terrible with money. Very unmotivated financially. Very unwilling to do anything but the bare minimum financially.

 

I've always worked full time, and I've always made more money. I used to work strictly from my home office, but this is no longer possible, and I now work from 6AM - 2PM, out of the house. (Everyone else in the office works 9-5, but I want to be home with my kids in the afternoon, so I wheedled my way into this schedule. I hate the idea of not being there for them, but recognize that I need to work.)

 

None of his financial shortcomings really used to bother me - I accepted that just wasn't his gift. BUT - last year when I was pregnant he had a mild EA, and all of the things that used to be no big deal, that I used to just overlook because he had so many good qualities - well, all of a sudden they're making me really angry, probably partly because everything seems to be financially escalating.

 

Whenever we have some kind of financial crisis (which is often), it is always up to me to figure out what to do - whether that is find another freelance job to take on, sell something on eBay - whatever. He does NOTHING about it. He just shrugs his shoulders. It drives me crazy.

 

We make plenty of money but our finances have always been a total mess. I agreed to take on a freelance job two weeks ago - a job that means I am staying up till about 2AM every night working on it, and then getting up at 5:30AM to go to work. I am exhausted, but it was worth it because I was going to use that money to pay off what we owe in back taxes.

 

So the other night I woke up when I heard our car alarm going off, and went out front to see that it was being REPOSSESSED. I knew nothing about it. My husband told me he "forgot" to make his car payment. For THREE MONTHS IN A ROW. When we had the money in the bank and could've paid it. So all of that money I was going to put toward bills ($3,000) - will now have to go for a used car for him, so that he can get to work. So every night I'm staying up late working, just seething over his irresponsibility.

 

I FINALLY took over the bills. I don't know why I waited for so long. I realize it's nuts that I continued to go along with letting him be in charge of the bills. He just put such a big stake in having that be "his thing." It's bad enough that I make twice what he does, I didn't want to have that be yet another blow to his masculine pride or whatever. But I can't let him continue to run us into the ground. He is angry about it, thinks I'm being unreasonable.

 

I am just so tired. I am so tired of working so hard. I am exhausted all the time. I'm ready to have grown-up finances. I want to buckle down, pay off our bills one by one and be FREE OF IT, and he just refuses to go along with it. I've added up the numbers over and over and I would be better off financially WITHOUT him.

 

When I talk to him about it he says victim stuff like, "I will never make enough money for you," or "go find yourself a rich husband then," as if that's what I wanted. I don't want to be rich. I don't care about that. I just want us to live within our means.

 

He talks about going back to school, I tell him I think that's a great idea, I really do. We make plans and budgets for him to quit his job, and then - he does nothing. Doesn't apply to grad school, doesn't research anything, doesn't do anything. Just talks about it.

 

When we fight about money he accepts no responsibility at all. He says my resentment will destroy our marriage, as though he has no role in why I feel this way. He doesn't acknowledge what he did to cause the anger, he just points at my anger as though that is the entire problem. He won't even try to see my points, he just automatically gets defensive. He won't go to counseling, thinks that will do nothing but stir up more trouble. I've threatened divorce, but he thinks I was just speaking out of anger.

 

I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk about it or fight about it now, there is no point. He doesn't get it. I just go about my business at home, don't fight, don't engage him. There is nothing else to say.

 

I am mainly just in it for the kids at this point. I'm just so tired. I feel like a shell of my old self.

 

And yes, I chose him. Fourteen years ago. But people change. Some people grow up, and some don't. I am tired of feeling like his mother.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do. I love him as a person, but I feel like a work horse, and if I stay with him he will work me into an early grave.

[Cee]

Your husband has a problem, a problem common enough that there is a 12 step program for it, Debtor's Anonymous. It's not that he's a spend-a-holic, he has unmanageability in his life related to money.

 

I know some people who have and they have said some things that are really interesting. Google DA and do some research. You husband may be what they call a "compulsive underearner." I know this sounds kind of funny, but really they have practical solutions for this problem.

 

Of course, this will be all for nothing unless your husband admits he has a problem. This is a serious problem and it could land you all in the poor house. If he doesn't listen, give him consequences.

[spriggig]

The facts of your story match mine pretty well, but I was able to avoid the anger and resentment over the fact that she wouldn't work or go back to school

 

When we fight about money he accepts no responsibility at all. He says my resentment will destroy our marriage, as though he has no role in why I feel this way. He doesn't acknowledge what he did to cause the anger, he just points at my anger as though that is the entire problem. He won't even try to see my points, he just automatically gets defensive. He won't go to counseling, thinks that will do nothing but stir up more trouble. I've threatened divorce, but he thinks I was just speaking out of anger.

 

Just addressing this one part, I think you need to untangle your feelings and your emotions--which are yours and yours alone--from his irresponsibility. Stop blaming him for the way you feel--it's NOT his fault that YOU feel what you do. He has no control over the thoughts you choose that lead to the emotions you have.

 

No, your anger isn't the entire problem, nor is your anger his responsibility. So, you're both half right and half wrong here.

 

Obviously, the affair is the main issue here, but you go on and on about his financial irresponsibility and general laziness and barely talk about the affair at all. I think you're avoiding dealing with the affair, and perhaps the guilt you feel about your role in why your marriage is failing.

 

I'm NOT saying it's your fault he had an affair, that is entirely his. The rest of your marriage is 50/50. You need to deal with your half.

 

The answers to your problems lie only within yourself.

[TiredSue]

I will look into that - thank you for telling me about it.

 

I've taken away his debit card and access to any of our money. I am giving him cash at the beginning of the week and that is all he is allowed to have. It's like I'm his mother, and I hate it.

[TiredSue]

Obviously, the affair is the main issue here, but you go on and on about his financial irresponsibility and general laziness and barely talk about the affair at all. I think you're avoiding dealing with the affair, and perhaps the guilt you feel about your role in why your marriage is failing.

 

I don't think the affair is the main issue actually though. It never graduated into a full blown EA or PA. I caught it when it was just massive texting and FB. He swears they were "just friends." I may be the stupidest woman on earth, but I do believe it was mostly just flirting.

 

And what can I do? He won't admit to anything else, he won't talk about it, he won't go to counseling, he won't read books, he won't do anything. I was left with the same two options he always gives me "let it go" or "well divorce me then." Love it or leave it. There is no in between. So I chose to drop it, stop talking about it (other than, I will admit, the occasional passive-agressive comment). Because he's a great dad. And he can be very thoughtful and nice. And I really do love him.

 

You are right though. It is my anger. I don't know how to get beyond it. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like a trapped animal. I have no tools. He gives me nothing to work with. He won't acknowledge any wrong-doing. He says he got involved with her "as a friend" because I was always busy working and we never talked to each other. (head -->desk-->slam)

 

If you have suggestions for how I can get past my anger about it, I'm all ears. He wants me to just pretend that none of our problems exist, to pretend that there is no work to be done. He is sure that if I just stop talking about it, we'll be perfectly happy.

[TiredSue]

I know that sounds like I'm diminishing my part, I'm not. It probably sounds like I walk around being angry all the time, but I actually don't. When I'm well rested I'm actually a pretty good wife and fun mom. We go do a lot of things as a family on the weekends (go to parks, go walking in the mountains, go swimming, stuff like that).

 

It's just that the hits keep on coming. I see something happen, like the car, try to get over it and let it go, and then something else happens. Last night I looked at our checking account, and saw that he'd found an old check somewhere, used the check to go see a DIET doctor, of all things. (He is maybe FIFTEEN POUNDS overweight, if that.) That check bounced, twice. So between the diet doctor fee, the diet pills, and the bounced check fees, we ended up overdrawn in our account by $250. The money I was going to use to pay the power bill and the other utilities. I asked him about it last night when I saw it and he just shrugged and said, "I wrote that check three weeks ago - how did I know it was going to bounce." I didn't even know what to say, so I said nothing. I went downstairs with my laptop to watch Project Runway while I worked and felt (admittedly) very sorry for myself. Productive, I know. I just don't know how to handle these things. I don't know how to get past the anger.

[HopelessinDTW]

I know that sounds like I'm diminishing my part, I'm not. It probably sounds like I walk around being angry all the time, but I actually don't. When I'm well rested I'm actually a pretty good wife and fun mom. We go do a lot of things as a family on the weekends (go to parks, go walking in the mountains, go swimming, stuff like that).

 

It's just that the hits keep on coming. I see something happen, like the car, try to get over it and let it go, and then something else happens. Last night I looked at our checking account, and saw that he'd found an old check somewhere, used the check to go see a DIET doctor, of all things. (He is maybe FIFTEEN POUNDS overweight, if that.) That check bounced, twice. So between the diet doctor fee, the diet pills, and the bounced check fees, we ended up overdrawn in our account by $250. The money I was going to use to pay the power bill and the other utilities. I asked him about it last night when I saw it and he just shrugged and said, "I wrote that check three weeks ago - how did I know it was going to bounce." I didn't even know what to say, so I said nothing. I went downstairs with my laptop to watch Project Runway while I worked and felt (admittedly) very sorry for myself. Productive, I know. I just don't know how to handle these things. I don't know how to get past the anger.

Split off your finances completely!! Let him pay for his s**t, and you play for your's. He's going to be responsible for some percentage of the bills you both have (like utilities). If he doesn't, then kick him out...if he doesn;t leave...call the cops and tell them he's an abusive husband. If you don't want to do that...go see a lawyer and have the divorce papers drawn up and have him served. This is ridiculous...you can't live like this. And he hasn't had a dose of reality...not a drop. And you are letting him get away with it. Please don't live like this any longer!!!

[TiredSue]

Split off your finances completely!! Let him pay for his s**t, and you play for your's. He's going to be responsible for some percentage of the bills you both have (like utilities). If he doesn't, then kick him out...if he doesn;t leave...call the cops and tell them he's an abusive husband. If you don't want to do that...go see a lawyer and have the divorce papers drawn up and have him served. This is ridiculous...you can't live like this. And he hasn't had a dose of reality...not a drop. And you are letting him get away with it. Please don't live like this any longer!!!

 

I think I do need to completely split up our finances, but he will go off his nut.

 

I'm just sitting here in my cubicle at work weeping.

 

How did my life turn into this?

[You Go Girl]

Stop enabling him.

The way to do this is to take that extra money and pay the taxes like you had planned all along.

DON'T buy him the car.

Let him figure out how he's going to get to work and back.

 

This is the most difficult issue to resolve in a marriage, because the only way to separate finances is to divorce. So there is almost no method of making him see his errors, which would be to let him sink and drown, because you would have to go down with him.

[TiredSue]

I already bought it. Stupid, I know.

 

I was paid in advance for the work (because I've had payment issues with this company before - I'm a technical writer and used to freelance for them, and told them I'd only work with them if they paid me in advance - they needed me, so they shelled out) and didn't want him to lose his job because he had no way to get there. He refused to take the bus. We bought an old 93 beater that cost $2500. I feel like an idiot for doing it.

[TiredSue]

I can't even blame him for that, I chose to do it. I'm an idiot.

[You Go Girl]

I'm writing this as the financially irresponsible spouse in my 2nd marriage. My cottage taxes are behind 1 1/2 years, all my fault. He's helping out the last time, because it's the settlement agreement.

He keeps warning me that I'm going to lose it if I blow the money.

 

I wonder if he has addressed his addictions and lying and lack of trusting anyone?

See, what codependency groups will teach you is to focus on yourself, instead of what your partner is or isn't doing.

It can be liberating and empowering for you.

[HopelessinDTW]

I can't even blame him for that, I chose to do it. I'm an idiot.

YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT!! You are doing what every good spouse would do. And you're expecting him to appreciate it, adn he doesn't...and never has. So it's time to stop..NOW. You need to take control, and inject tough love. Like YGG said your only option may be divorce if nothing else works. This is a reality you need to seriously consider...

[quankanne]

no, you're not an idiot, just a kind-hearted, loving wife who has just realized her stretching point. Maybe the smartest thing you can do for him is to get separate checking accounts but make sure his paychecks are deposited to YOUR account so that you can immediately take what you need to pay shared bills (house payment, utilities, groceries, insurances/home warranty) then put the rest in HIS account and tell him from here on out he's responsible for making his own car payment, doctor visits, etc.

 

DH and I did that early on in the marriage, mostly because his jobs took him away from home and it was more practical to keep the accounts separate to ensure that bills got paid. And yes, he was depositing money into our joint account so that I could pay bills.

 

we still do this, and from time to time one of us may ask the other for spending money, and it's cool because we understand exactly what we're responsible for paying and for keeping up our "end" of the deal.

 

I'm guessing that once your husband figures out that he is SOLELY responsible for taking care of his stuff and that you're not going to be the benevolent Mommy-Wife who bails him out, he (hopefully) will get his act together and grow more responsible.

[YellowShark]

Ok TiredSue here goes.

 

1) You are doing wonderful things for this man and YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT.

 

2) By doing these wonderful things for him you are ENABLING him to remain a child financially. You might as well be giving an alcoholic a bottle of booze to drink.

 

3) You are exhausted because you are giving 150% and he is giving 10%.

 

4) Before you consider a divorce you need to sit down with him and clearly state the NEW RULES in your marriage. These NEW RULES are he MUST pick up the financial ball. That is a boundary he has to stick to from this day on. If he chooses not to stick to this new boundary THEN there MUST be consequences - such as divorce. Be tough, be strong. Don't let him waffle out of his responsibility AS A FATHER and HUSBAND.

 

5) NOBODY forgets to make car payments 3 times in a row. NOBODY. The only reason he did that is he knows he can rely on you to pick up the ball and fix things. This is called enabling, and he is taking advantage of your kindness and responsibility.

 

6) In essence you are acting as his mommy financially and this MUST STOP if you wish to stay with him. You must communicate this clearly to him and he MUST live up to your families needs or move on without him.

 

7) You are doing the right thing and cut him off from the finances, give him an allowance - like a little boy! - UNTIL he proves himself. If his new car breaks down then he doesn't get money to fix it, he MUST find his own money to fix it OR TAKE THE BUS.

 

In the end you are correct, he will destroy you and the family financially and already is. That is why there MUST BE a new sheriff in town and unfortunately it has to be you. Well the new sheriff has new rules and if he doesn't like the new rules then there's the door.

 

Sadly he has forced this and not you, you have gone above and beyond to make things right but HE has to step up to the plate for the benefit of the family.

 

Best of luck.

[NoneTheWiser]

T _S, reread the post of yellow shark it is right on! And if I might add a number 8) What financial example is your husband setting for the kids?