OW left me for another MM...Im at a loss...

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for the feedback. Can anyone give me advice on how to cope this with this, especially with me seeing her everyday? Will the pain always be this bad because total NC is not possible? Thank you.

 

 

The pain is equivalent to the damage you caused. If you have an idea about how much damage this is you should be able to figure out how long it will take your pain to subside. Cope by being honest with yourself and those you have lied to. Face your mess and start to clean it up. If you are busy repairing the damage you have caused, the less time you will have to feel sorry for yourself.

[pizzagirl]

I'm with a MM who is in raptures over me, as i am over him...difference is I am always available to him when he wants or needs me. I have to wait on his contact. certainly makes for a passionate romance. Is the price of so much passion having to wait on your love so that you tear each other apart when you see each other? If you were together all the time would you lose that...is that what is so exciting about the whole thing? The illicit affair....no wonder it is so tempting.

 

 

It is all illusion. Think about it. A wonderful dream of enchantment where you can project all these wonderful traits...yet He wants to stay married? Puzzling if his MW affair partner is so wonderful...and he is upset or anything regarding her finding a new toy, a new diversion? Ca anyone here assume she wants more from this guy...Maybe she was BORED and the A ran its course. In all this there is precious little talk on the W. back to the grind of the boring life with no diversion from reality...Wnder why you needed that vacation? Wonder why you came back?

 

I find all this a bit sad in that all these strong feelings connected to a life that was never real, a union you never wanted to consummate in the real world, just a getaway respite from reality. Wonder if your W even Noticed you were gone? Your M is broken, maybe your loss is ran ran back to your W out of cowardice and you really cared about this woman and you are hurt she moved on so easily. Face it..in all these responses the W is invisible to you. How very sad.

[Dexter Morgan]

Confused, I love your disclaimer and the fact that Dexter followed right behind!!! Are you sure you're not Dexter too? Ha ha!

 

if she knew he'd be in for a bumpy ride, that indicates that his actions are such that will draw criticism.

 

so ha ha, right back.

 

 

OP, damn. Wow. You won't be treated like this huh?

 

Yet, you treated her exactly the same way. You wouldn't leave for her or make it any better for her. She had every right to leave you and find happiness elsewhere. As an OW, I feel I have the right to say that to you.

 

It IS too bad that she stumbled onto another man IN YOUR OFFICE, but again that is her prerogative. And I wouldn't call it lying that she is with another MM; I would call that changing her mind.

 

And that is ANY woman's prerogative whether OW or not!!!

 

and then you give it to him the same as the rest of us.......geez.

[Mimolicious]

Thanks for the feedback. Can anyone give me advice on how to cope this with this, especially with me seeing her everyday? Will the pain always be this bad because total NC is not possible? Thank you.

 

Very simple. Find another job...

 

What I don't follow (must be still drunk from Friday night). Your OW said she will never get involved with a MM, yet you were with her and you have a W, and now she is with another MM? (head spinning)

 

Ok, anyway, seems like your OW does a lot of the things she says she wouldn't do.

 

Seriously bro, you have no business being in a R. Get your head straight.

[In_Repair]

I'd suggest sending her husband a letter, anonymously, telling of his wife's affair with the new OM. She is obviously looking for an exit, and he needs a heads-up so he can protect his interests. It would be a dick move in one way, but surely you aren't going to stand there on the highest hill in Cheaterville and preach about right and wrong at this point, are you? Might make you feel better.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks for the feedback. Can anyone give me advice on how to cope this with this, especially with me seeing her everyday? .

 

ask your wife. she can tell you exactly what to do.

[Circular]

Hey dude, sorry to hear about your loss. Know it's painful and it's very confusing, and unfortunately it lasts longer than you'd ever wish. She's obviously out 'shopping' for a relationship as an alternative to her M. I think what she's doing is pretty f'd up, but again maybe you missed the bullet and now you have an opportunity to really assess the things that went wrong in your marriage that caused you to loose the 'spark' and stray to another MOW. Only you can decide the right path, repair your marriage, separate, do whatever is the right thing to do. Every day is a new day to focus on doing the right things.

 

I'm curious. How did you relationship start? Was it physical from the get-go? You said it was 2 years. All while at work? Work relationships are the worst. But I also agree with other posters, you made a decision, you told her and she took that as "He doesnt love me enough to be with me" and she bumped you for the next possibility.

[2sunny]

this is your best plan of attack!

 

I am in therapy trying to ge better. Working on making things great with my wife.

 

stick with it.

[2sunny]

Thanks for the feedback. Can anyone give me advice on how to cope this with this, especially with me seeing her everyday? Will the pain always be this bad because total NC is not possible? Thank you.

 

yes it is possible. stop talking to her, don't look at her. don't even think about her - think only of your wife and how much you owe it to HER to make it all up to her. does your wife know of this affair?

 

either way - amends to your wife would mean that you get another job!!!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey dude, sorry to hear about your loss.

 

 

his loss? LOL....uh.........he is married. aint nothing to feel sorry for him about. only person to feel sorry for is his wife.

[Circular]

his loss? LOL....uh.........he is married. aint nothing to feel sorry for him about. only person to feel sorry for is his wife.

 

Yea, it's a character flaw of mine to have compassion for people who are suffering from loss. Yea, I have compassion for his wife also, I know she's been unknowingly dealing with the emotional upheaval of AIM both during and post A. But oddly, that doesn't change the fact that AIM is still a person, with a lot of issues he's dealing with in a situation, yes caused by himself, that still has him reaching out for help and guidance. Even if some of it is still misguided.

 

Suppose Dex you LOL at drug dealers, gang bangers, and other people who have had lives and made bad choices that sent them off in the wrong directions, that's just sad. Me on the other hand I've donated lots of my personal time to help people like this and their families.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yea, it's a character flaw of mine to have compassion for people who are suffering from loss.

 

the loss is one that he shouldn't have had to lose in the first place. he is betraying his wife, and rather than feel bad for her, he feels sorry for himself.

[Circular]

I'm with waterlove on this one....if she's gone to another MM there is something really wrong with her. I personally experienced all the hurt that comes from an affair and can assure you I would steer clear from any situation in the future. It almost broke me so focus on yourself first and then your marriage. Sounds like you have issues too.

 

I agree with this and AIM you really need to focus on the fact that she's really messed up, latch onto her flaws not the false perfections you've created in your mind. Your letting your hurt ego get the best of you.

 

It's very uncommon for someone to have serial A's unless they are really messed up and have some pretty serious issues. Most people who have them don't go seek out another intentionally, especially if they are in an M. Matter of fact after reading tons of boards and threads, the most common thing people say is 'never again'. Not saying it doesn't happen but it seems to be more the exception.

 

If she is with this MM then I'd say 'Good riddance' because she'd just have messed up your life even further. Stay in IC and fix yourself.

[aim9618]

Update: My wife saw my BB and saw some things on there that changed everything. I told the OW how much I love he and wife saw it. She wanted to get separated. She kicked me to the couch. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I had no contact with OW for a week. Now we talk on and off. She told me she is not having an affair with any other man. I dont believe it. It always leads to a fight. Affairs dont work. We are not talking now. I am in individual and marriage consueling. I am trying hard to forget her. She tells me she does not want to get hurt again and that is why she is keeping her distance. I had no physical contact with OW since June. Its so messy. I need to fix my marriage, but I am still drawn to OW. but it is pretty much over. What a disaster.

[2themoon&back]

Update: My wife saw my BB and saw some things on there that changed everything. I told the OW how much I love he and wife saw it. She wanted to get separated. She kicked me to the couch. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I had no contact with OW for a week. Now we talk on and off. She told me she is not having an affair with any other man. I dont believe it. It always leads to a fight. Affairs dont work. We are not talking now. I am in individual and marriage consueling. I am trying hard to forget her. She tells me she does not want to get hurt again and that is why she is keeping her distance. I had no physical contact with OW since June. Its so messy. I need to fix my marriage, but I am still drawn to OW. but it is pretty much over. What a disaster.

 

You sound to be in a lot of turmoil inside your own self, not to mention the outside situations, you M and OW. I would plead with you to be kind to the women you care about and step away from both of them until you know yourself better and what you want. You staying in the M, is honorable if you are not longing for another woman in your heart, it is so unfair to your W and wounds her over and over, because she is aware of your feelings for the OW.

 

As for as the OW, she is probable telling you the truth that she does not want to get hurt by you playing with her emotions and by dancing in and out of her life and for what? If you do not plan on being with her in a real relationship, leave her alone. To continue perusing her for your own needs is not kind either.

 

So what you are doing is the most hurtful to all 3 people involved, because it is so selfish. You need to do the sacrificing of both women until you know what you want, because if you don’t you’re going to lose both of them anyway.

 

Take care of YOU and the rest will work its self out and this is really all you have control of to start with.

[woinlove]

Update: My wife saw my BB and saw some things on there that changed everything. I told the OW how much I love he and wife saw it. She wanted to get separated. She kicked me to the couch. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I had no contact with OW for a week. Now we talk on and off. She told me she is not having an affair with any other man. I dont believe it. It always leads to a fight. Affairs dont work. We are not talking now. I am in individual and marriage consueling. I am trying hard to forget her. She tells me she does not want to get hurt again and that is why she is keeping her distance. I had no physical contact with OW since June. Its so messy. I need to fix my marriage, but I am still drawn to OW. but it is pretty much over. What a disaster.

 

You are obsessed with another woman and your W wants to separate. Sounds like your W has the right idea. Although you said in your earlier posts you wanted to work on your marriage, your posts have been about the MOW and not about your W or marriage. Your heart doesn't seem to be in the relationship with your W so it is unlikely that you need to fix your marriage. It will probably be better for your children too, to separate, rather than to live out this conflict you are feeling in their home.

 

I agree with the earlier post, separate, and try to sort out what you want and who you care about.

[Owl]

I agree. Basically you need to just "man up", pick one, and focus on rebuilding that relationship.

 

Either your marriage or your mistress.

 

One or the other...trying to keep both will potentially leave you with neither.

[aim9618]

Small Update: She really told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. She is on a vacation with kids and her mom, no husband. She is about to get separated. Her supposed new man is going to be in the town where she is vacationing starting tonight. My heart bleeds knowing that. Her communication with me is less and less. Maybe an IM once every two days. She wants to be my friend, but I cant do it knowing she with another man. She told me that she did loved me, in fact a lot, but in her mind I did not love her the same and that changed her. She put up a wall. Got thick skin and let things roll off her back. Can other woman relate to this? She got over me very easily, while I am still struggling.

[newpriorities]

It seems to me that she is searching for "something" and looking in all the proverbial wrong places! IMO you need to stop spending so much energy on what she is doing and focus on yourself. What do YOU need to do to heal? If you really want to get your marriage back on track then you really must stop worrying about what your xMW is doing. Same holds true if you want to end your M. Right now, it should be about you and figuring out what you want so that you can be fair to your W

[maravilla]

Small Update: She really told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. She is on a vacation with kids and her mom, no husband. She is about to get separated. Her supposed new man is going to be in the town where she is vacationing starting tonight. My heart bleeds knowing that. Her communication with me is less and less. Maybe an IM once every two days. She wants to be my friend, but I cant do it knowing she with another man. She told me that she did loved me, in fact a lot, but in her mind I did not love her the same and that changed her. She put up a wall. Got thick skin and let things roll off her back. Can other woman relate to this? She got over me very easily, while I am still struggling.

 

Look, your former OW is being honest with you. You missed the boat. If you really loved her you should have done what it took to be with her. Because you didn't, she moved on and protected her heart from further hurt from you. I'm not trying to be mean but you asked if other women can relate to this, and yes I can. MM told me he loves me and wants to be with me, but he hasn't done it and at this point it's broken me down so much that I want to be done with him. I want to be where your former OW is at, so that if he does come knocking-especially while he is still married, and you are still married!-I will be strong enough to tell him I've over him and really mean it.

 

You remind me of my own former MM, very conflicted and all over the map. On the one hand you're trying to stay or get back into your wife's good graces and on the other hand you're pining for your OW and saying she's the one you love.

 

IMO you should look deep within and decide what you really want. Honestly I feel you have ruined your chances with both women, it's like how they say if you try to keep everything you may be left with nothing. You needed to pick your priority and stick with it, not waffle back and forth. I'm not saying there is no hope for you. What I hope is that you can work on yourself to the point where you know who you are and what you want out of life, what your values are and how to make them and keep them as priorities, and then you will be able to find a satisfying love. It's like they say that you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. Good luck. I think it's good that you're being honest with yourself and now you just have to keep doing that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Small Update: She really told me that she has no feelings for me anymore. She is on a vacation with kids and her mom, no husband. She is about to get separated. Her supposed new man is going to be in the town where she is vacationing starting tonight. My heart bleeds knowing that.

 

well, in the midst of your helping her screw over her husband, and your role in screwing over a fellow brutha...the good news is....you dodged a bullet. She is a worthless piece.

 

she would have been cheating on you in no time if you two had gotten together.

 

now go out and find yourself a decent woman and leave the married skanks who would cheat alone.

[aim9618]

I guess I cant get over how beautiful she is and how she picked me. Every guy in the office wanted her, but she was interested in me. Such a sense of sadness that I dont have her in my life anymore. She treated me so well and I miss that. Starting on Meds tomorrow. Hope that helps

[Owl]

Update: My wife saw my BB and saw some things on there that changed everything. I told the OW how much I love he and wife saw it. She wanted to get separated. She kicked me to the couch. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I had no contact with OW for a week. Now we talk on and off. She told me she is not having an affair with any other man. I dont believe it. It always leads to a fight. Affairs dont work. We are not talking now. I am in individual and marriage consueling. I am trying hard to forget her. She tells me she does not want to get hurt again and that is why she is keeping her distance. I had no physical contact with OW since June. Its so messy. I need to fix my marriage, but I am still drawn to OW. but it is pretty much over. What a disaster.

 

So what's the status on your marriage?

 

You've filed for divorce, seperated from your wife, and started working things out so that you're free and single to explore whatever might come way if OW changes her mind, yes?

[aim9618]

She wants nothing to do with me. She has fallen for another man in the office. I am heartbroken.

[Owl]

OK, she's picked someone else.

 

That leaves your wife stuck in your life by default and as your backup plan I'm guessing?