OW left me for another MM...Im at a loss...

[aim9618]

Some of you know my story. I had a affair for 2 years with a MW. I work with her, It was great for a long time. Her marriage was awful. Planning a divorce. I did not want to leave my marriage for the sake of kids. In June, she told me she fell out of love with me. She was tired of hearing I would not plan of future with her. We still Instant message and see each other at work. I am still in love with her. She says I'm her best friend, but she wants nothing more. Although we did make love once. I put two and two together and realize now, she is with another guy in the office and he is married. I am beyond devistated. My heat is shattered. I am in therapy trying to ge better. Working on making things great with my wife. I just cant believe the woman I loved left me for another man in the office, who is married. She would always say to "affairs dont work" "i will never be with a married man" again and now she is with him. From now on, I will have NC with her. I will not treated this way. I deserve better. Can anyone give me some perspective on this? and Yes I hurt my wife and yes I now moving forward to make my marriage work.

[confusedinkansas]

Sorry you are in so much pain. As if that's not bad enough~

You should Buckle Up - You're in for a bumpy ride here in LS.

[Dexter Morgan]

I did not want to leave my marriage for the sake of kids.

 

so basically you are going to hold your wife hostage?

 

 

I put two and two together and realize now, she is with another guy in the office and he is married.

 

gee....whatta gal.

 

 

I am beyond devistated. My heat is shattered. I am in therapy trying to ge better. Working on making things great with my wife.

 

only now because the OW is gone right? I assume you had no plans to make things great with your wife as long as the OW stuck around?

 

 

I just cant believe the woman I loved left me for another man

 

now you are in your wife's shoes. don't know if your wife knows or not, but if she does...welcome to her world.

 

 

in the office, who is married. She would always say to "affairs dont work" "i will never be with a married man" again and now she is with him. From now on, I will have NC with her. I will not treated this way.

 

well then you have alot of making up to do to your wife, because you treated her worse.

 

 

I deserve better.

 

and your wife?

 

 

Can anyone give me some perspective on this? and Yes I hurt my wife and yes I now moving forward to make my marriage work.

 

you don't need perspective on this. you are suppose to be working on your marriage, not dwelling on some married man hopping huss.

[eleanorrigby]

Some of you know my story. I had a affair for 2 years with a MW. I work with her, It was great for a long time. Her marriage was awful. Planning a divorce. I did not want to leave my marriage for the sake of kids. In June, she told me she fell out of love with me. She was tired of hearing I would not plan of future with her. We still Instant message and see each other at work. I am still in love with her. She says I'm her best friend, but she wants nothing more. Although we did make love once. I put two and two together and realize now, she is with another guy in the office and he is married. I am beyond devistated. My heat is shattered. I am in therapy trying to ge better. Working on making things great with my wife. I just cant believe the woman I loved left me for another man in the office, who is married. She would always say to "affairs dont work" "i will never be with a married man" again and now she is with him. From now on, I will have NC with her. I will not treated this way. I deserve better. Can anyone give me some perspective on this? and Yes I hurt my wife and yes I now moving forward to make my marriage work.

 

How are you working on making things great with your wife?

[Darren Steez]

Lol you got what you deserve...now you're working on your wife...what a great guy!

[awkward]

Sorry that you are hurting. Double sorry about your wife.

 

She said she was tired of waiting. She moved on. You have a few options:

 

1) Try to be her OMM.

 

2) Find a new OW or MOW.

 

3) Divorce and find a single woman.

 

4) Work on your marriage.

 

 

I think you are right with the NC. That is probably your best option when it comes to your MOW. As far as your other options, maybe being single for awhile will help you gain a better perspective of what commitment and intimacy should look like.

 

I'm curious as to why you don't just divorce and allow your wife to find someone who will love and respect her.

[Dexter Morgan]

why don't you divorce your wife and set her free so she can go out and find happiness and find someone else.

 

you got to get some on the side, so why not set her free so she can be with someone else?

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife the truth so she can decide if she wants to stay married to someone who is a cheater. The only reason you're now willing to put effort into your marriage is because now you don't have the OW in your life.

 

Enough said there.. You probably know the drill and what most are going to say about that.

 

Continue with counselling. Work on you, then find a marriage counsellor and go with your wife.

[breaking_bad]

Some of you know my story. I had a affair for 2 years with a MW. I work with her, It was great for a long time. Her marriage was awful. Planning a divorce. I did not want to leave my marriage for the sake of kids. In June, she told me she fell out of love with me. She was tired of hearing I would not plan of future with her. We still Instant message and see each other at work. I am still in love with her. She says I'm her best friend, but she wants nothing more. Although we did make love once. I put two and two together and realize now, she is with another guy in the office and he is married. I am beyond devistated. My heat is shattered. I am in therapy trying to ge better. Working on making things great with my wife. I just cant believe the woman I loved left me for another man in the office, who is married. She would always say to "affairs dont work" "i will never be with a married man" again and now she is with him. From now on, I will have NC with her. I will not treated this way. I deserve better. Can anyone give me some perspective on this? and Yes I hurt my wife and yes I now moving forward to make my marriage work.

 

I don't mean to seem unsympathetic, but I don't think your xOW "left" you for another relationship. You guys were both married if I'm reading this right, and you made the decision that you didnt' want to leave your M, so you left her.

 

Whether you IM her or see her at work doesn't constitute a relationship. What does constitute a relationship is the one w/ your wife. Remember, the person you decided to stay with?

 

Your xOW then can go do whatever it is that she wants to do. What difference does it make if she stays married, has another R with a MM or goes to join the circus? It doesn't affect your life anymore, because that's the way you wanted it to be.

 

I guess I would just say - when you decided to stay in your M, you ended your relationship with the OW, and technically couldn't then have been "left"... You did the leaving. So just stay gone and don't worry about what she does because it's no longer your concern....

 

Sorry, I know it sucks, but you can't have everything. If you feel you made the wrong decision, try a different one.

[jj33]

OK Ill play devils advocate.

 

If she was happy to be with an MM why didnt she stay with you? Thats what you are asking? Because you werent going to leave. And she lacks the cahones to fix her own life you know the old song should I stay or should I go now? Shes cakeating waiting for a KISA to leave and make her decision for her. It wasnt you.

 

If I were psychic Id say she is hoping this one may bite. Shes "dating" while shes married, she seems to think shes shopping for a new H.

 

Somehow I doubt it. I think shes really lost. An A with one MM who you leave because you want more is one thing. A second A in the same workplace? Its a lifestyle choice.

 

If you are really are working on your marriage then as the others said it doesnt matter what she does. Your ego is bruised. You thought you were the "one". You were, now hes the one. Like I said she is dating.

[aim9618]

I am in therapy trying to figure out why I lost the spark in my marriage. Yes, my ego is bruised. I am insecure. I need attention from women. I am figuring this out in therapy. The Ow and myself have been together for a long time. Its hurts. I think what happened is she fell for this guy and then told me she fell out of love for me. I just thought she was a special person, but to be with another married guy, blows me away. Today is my first NC day in 2 years with her. Im not eating, feeling sick. I wish I didnt work with her so i can heal faster. I pray I get better and make my marriage better. Worried that I cant get the spark back. Maybe I am not a strong person.

[Ellin]

Maybe you've hurt her and she's trying to hurt you back? She knew you'd hear about her new R, that's why she's been "messing around" with someone else in the office?

[bentnotbroken]

I am in therapy trying to figure out why I lost the spark in my marriage. Yes, my ego is bruised. I am insecure. I need attention from women. I am figuring this out in therapy. The Ow and myself have been together for a long time. Its hurts. I think what happened is she fell for this guy and then told me she fell out of love for me. I just thought she was a special person, but to be with another married guy, blows me away. Today is my first NC day in 2 years with her. Im not eating, feeling sick. I wish I didnt work with her so i can heal faster. I pray I get better and make my marriage better. Worried that I cant get the spark back. Maybe I am not a strong person.

 

 

Maybe you should tell your wife so that she can find a strong person.

[YellowShark]

So you cheated on your wife aim9618 with a married woman who then cheated on you with another MM in the office and you're... uhhhh...errrr... "devastated?"

 

You're kidding right?

[NoIDidn't]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Maybe you should pick better OW? This one is a liar - "I'd never date a MM". What, was she dating single guys behind her H's back before? She sounds like a real prize, that one.

 

I can't seem to feel like you lost anything though. She did you a favor. Especially if its gotten you to take a good look at your life in therapy. Maybe your own marriage will get better out of all of this.

 

At least you didn't describe your marriage as "awful". That's got to be a good thing. Right?

[aim9618]

The sickening thing is I have to see them together in the office everyday. She is probably saying "I can't control who I fall for Love just happens." I will never have an affair again. The pain outweights all of the good that happened in my affair.

[NoIDidn't]

The sickening thing is I have to see them together in the office everyday. She is probably saying "I can't control who I fall for Love just happens." I will never have an affair again. The pain outweights all of the good that happened in my affair.

 

Well, keep your distance. The office rumor mill is going to have a field day with her and you don't want to get caught up in the drama that surrounds her.

 

I've never dated in my workplace, but I had a few crushes come my way. I can't imagine what it feels like to have to see someone I used to date cavorting with someone else - but especially not under these circumstances. People in affairs tend to make the most outrageous claims and promises to each other. It seems to make the breakups just that much harder to get through.

[Fallen Angel]

The sickening thing is I have to see them together in the office everyday. She is probably saying "I can't control who I fall for Love just happens." I will never have an affair again. The pain outweights all of the good that happened in my affair.

 

You told her you were not prepared to offer her what she wanted, which was you being single so that she could have a future with you. When you told her that you effectively ended your relationship with her. It was your choice. You made it. Now you have to live with the consequences of that. She is moving on.

 

She is looking for an "exit" relationship before leaving her marriage. She wants a safe place to fall, you did not want to be that for her. I am sorry that you are hurting, but you could have made the choice to commit to her, had you done so, things would probably be much different and you and she would be starting a new life together.

 

If you are so devestated you could leave your wife and tell your MOW that you are willing to be her soft landing. Chances are she still loves you, but when you ended the relationship she started looking for a distraction.

[NoIDidn't]

So, aim9618, did you sign up for an affair or to be a soft landing she could dump once she was safely away from her marriage?

[Fallen Angel]

So' date=' aim9618, did you sign up for an affair or to be a soft landing she could dump once she was safely away from her marriage?[/quote']

 

Or be a soft landing that she loved and spent a lifetime loving.. either way.. he obviously only wanted an affair, she wanted more from him, he said no, she moved on.. all the rest is merely speculation. The point is, he ended the affiar and is now suffering the consequences of his own actions.

 

And similar to another recent MM he seems to be saying he wants to fix his marriage yet rather than doing that is simply lamenting the loss of his OW.

 

Honestly, he needs to poop or get off the pot, cause she obviously is not waiting around for him to choose her.

[NoIDidn't]

No one spends a lifetime loving a "soft landing". A "soft landing" is not useful after its served its goal.

 

Nobody wants to be a soft landing, except a parent.

[Fallen Angel]

No one spends a lifetime loving a "soft landing". A "soft landing" is not useful after its served its goal.

 

Nobody wants to be a soft landing, except a parent.

 

I don't happen to agree with you. I think many people can and do spend a lifetime loving their "soft landing". That one person who loved them so much that they stood by them and loved them through the hard times... that one person who didn't give up on them, and showed them what it was like to be truly loved and to be thought truly worthwhile by another human being. The one person who showed them that they would always be there, loving them.

 

Perhaps you and I have a different idea about what a "soft landing" is... to me, it is the person with whom I feel completely safe to just be me, and I know that no matter what I do or say or feel, they will love me.

[TOWinNYC]

Some of you know my story. I had a affair for 2 years with a MW. I work with her, It was great for a long time. Her marriage was awful. Planning a divorce. I did not want to leave my marriage for the sake of kids. In June, she told me she fell out of love with me. She was tired of hearing I would not plan of future with her.

 

Aim, sorry to hear that you're still hurting. I haven't read this entire thread yet but I do remember responding to your initial post a couple of months ago.

 

We still Instant message and see each other at work. I am still in love with her. She says I'm her best friend, but she wants nothing more. Although we did make love once. I put two and two together and realize now, she is with another guy in the office and he is married. I am beyond devistated. My heat is shattered. I am in therapy trying to ge better.

 

I guess you never really "understood" WHY she fell out of love with you, huh? I thought the responses back then (mine included) were pretty clear.

 

But let me repeat myself for s***s and giggles: She loved YOU. She wanted to be WITH YOU. She was willing to get divorced FOR YOU. And what did you do? You stomped on her dreams and told her that particular future wasn't going to happen because you weren't willing to get divorced FOR HER.

 

If I remember correctly, she stuck it out for another year (probably in hopes that you would change your mind). So why are you surprised by this new turn of events? Because YOU are still in love with her?

 

Working on making things great with my wife.

 

Sorry, I don't believe this is happening - not while you're "still in love with" the OW.

 

I just cant believe the woman I loved left me for another man in the office, who is married. She would always say to "affairs dont work" "i will never be with a married man" again and now she is with him.

 

Really? You can't believe it? After YOU told her you didn't want to share a life with her? That's funny.

 

I don't mean to be harsh here but did you think she was going to sit around and cry, mope and pine away for you and not get on with her life? Have you considered what kind of soul destroying time period that extra year must have been for her? To love somebody, want to be with them and not have them feel the same about you?

 

Let me share a secret with you - NO self respecting woman is going to mourn the loss of a man who didn't want her. Sure, she'll grieve for the loss of her dreams and hopes for the future. But not for the man WHO DIDN'T WANT HER.

 

From now on, I will have NC with her. I will not treated this way. I deserve better. Can anyone give me some perspective on this? and Yes I hurt my wife and yes I now moving forward to make my marriage work.

 

I do think you should go NC. But do you really "deserve better"? Everything that has happened is because you made certain choices - and these are the consequences. Deal with it.

[NoIDidn't]

Wait. So a MM that admits he loved his OW doesn't get kudos because he wouldn't leave his W for her?

 

The other thread has a similarly mourning MM, but mourning the OW he dumped. This MM was dumped for another MM because, he too, is "staying for the kids".

 

The difference I guess is that one MM is not angry at the OW. Is that it?

[skydiveaddict]

Wait, she left you, a MM; for another MM? Unbelievable! I'm in total shock. How could she do such a thing?