Sorry for the length!! Friendship doomed? Likes me, but doesn't want to be with me?

[C'est La Vie]

Hello, LoveShack! I would first like to apologize if this post is a bit long. I would REALLY like as much advice as I can get on this situation, and I feel that the only way to do that is to give y'all every bit of detail, thus most likely leading to a long post.

 

 

The deal: I have been friends with a guy for almost a year (maybe 9 months?). Well, we met on an online forum, and he only lives a few hours from me. Through the past months we have talked A LOT - about life, family, friends, fears, likes/dislikes, crushes/romantic interests, etc. Through these months, he has also flirted with me quite a bit, and I have flirted back with him. I will admit that I have ALWAYS felt a little something more than friendship for him, but I never admitted it/took it too seriously. I was comfortable being friends.

 

June 17, 2010: I decide to tell him how I feel. I told him that I like him as more than a friend, and that I have for quite some time. His response was something to the extent of, "Wow. I really respect you a lot more now for telling me this! But I think that once you meet me in person, you're going to see that I'm not who you think I am... and I will disappoint you..."

 

I accepted that answer, and things proceeded as normal. Except, it seemed that after that he wanted to talk to me a bit more, showed a bit more interest in things I had to say, and flirted more heavily. I didn't think too much of it, and just went along with it all.

 

August 13-15 (Friday-Sunday): I was in his city for the weekend, visiting a friend of mine. On August 13, my friends and I decided to go out on the town and party a bit. I invited my guy friend to meet up with us at a bar. By the time he got there, I was already intoxicated, so... needless to say, our first in-person meet wasn't exactly a get-to-know-you type deal. He's not the partying type person AT ALL, but he still came along. On Saturday, August 14th, I ended up going over to his house around 9:00pm. I spent the night over there. No, we did not have sex. I was enjoying his company, laying there talking, etc. I noticed he had been somewhat "fidgety" around me all night, but I just thought that was because he was shy (he is a pretty shy guy). After a while of laying in bed and talking, he was like, "Hey..." and then kissed me. The kissing lasted a while, and he kissed me a couple of other times throughout the night, but that was as far as it went. Sunday morning (Aug. 15th), I have to leave to go home. He walks me out to my car, gives me a very passionate kiss, and says something along the lines of, "We're going to figure something out, alright?" I was just like, "Ok..."

 

Sunday evening, I'm home and we're texting each other. I asked him, "What exactly happened this weekend?" He said something like, "I'm not sure... I'm very scared of hurting you. Right now, I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can commit to anything. There are so many things I want and need to do, not to mention I have started so many things and ended them because of my impulses that I can't control. This is what I meant before, when I said I would disappoint you..."

 

We continued talking. I'll admit, by that point, my feelings for him had grown stronger. It took one night with him for me to fall head-over-heels...

 

The following weekend (Friday, August 20 - Monday, August 23), I was back in his city. This time it was all for him. We both agreed that we wanted to see each other and spend the weekend together, so I went there. I wasn't expecting anything to really happen, but it just seems we grew closer that weekend. He took me out with his friends, took me on a couple of dates, I got sick and he took care of me. It was almost as if we were an actual couple. It felt right. I didn't feel like I was being "used" at all. And yes, we did get intimate this weekend. This, I'm afraid, was my doing. I climbed on top of him, and things progressed from there. It happened 2 or 3 times that weekend.

 

I get home on Monday afternoon, and we talk later that evening. For the next few days, everything seems so... perfect. He's telling me he misses me, wants to see me again, how awesome I am, etc.

 

Then it gets to the point (I believe this was on Monday, August 30th), where I'm wanting to know where the two of us stand. The thing about me: I often (very often) do not think before I act/speak. He was actually one of the first people to help me realize this, haha. Anyway, I began over-thinking things, wanting to know answers. I told him how hard it was for me to talk to him when I have such strong feelings, when I wanted more but that wasn't happening. I needed some space, so I went NC with him until late Wednesday afternoon (pretty much exactly 48 hours NC), and then I began to miss him. All I did was send him a text saying, "So you're gonna be going home for the weekend tomorrow... just wanted to wish you a safe trip there." He said thank you, and then one thing lead to another and we're talking about "us" again. This was most likely my fault, I'm pretty sure.

 

It got down to yesterday (Thursday, September 2), where he sent me a text saying something like: "I think you're a really great girl. I've seen this, and it's all awesome. I enjoy spending time with you, and I want to continue spending time with you. But I have told you from the start how I feel about things, that I'm just not in a place where I can commit. I don't like being asked questions, and I try to keep my answers as short as possible. I want us to be friends, and I want us to eventually hang out again. But... we can't keep talking like there's anything more than friendship from now on, because it's not fair to you. You keep getting hurt. I would like us to be friends, but it's something you have to be OK with."

 

I'll admit, I was hurt. I didn't reply back for nearly an hour, in which all I said was, "Thank you for everything...". I didn't know what to say. I really appreciate EVERYTHING he has done for me. He is a great guy. When I sent that text to him, all I was thinking was that, 'I can't talk to you right now while I feel so deeply for you, but I can't have you out of my life for good either. I don't want to tell you goodbye, because I don't want there to ever be a goodbye with you. But I can't tell you that I'm OK being your friend right now either, because I would just be lying to myself and putting myself through more pain.'

 

After I sent that text, he replied back immediately saying, "So does this mean that we're cool?" - I never replied. I figured, by me not replying, he would get the hint that I needed my space from him for now.

 

 

 

Truth be told, I think I've fallen in love with him. What am I to do? I've fallen in love with someone who just wants to be friends. I can accept that, but I don't know that it can be right this very second. I so desperately want to talk to him. I've found myself ALMOST sending him a "Hey, what's up?" text a few times today, but I stopped myself. I have only been NC with him for about 28 hours. I do want to be his friend; but I know at this point, if I try being a friend, I will only secretly be hoping for something more to eventually happen... and things will get ugly again.

 

I know that this is pretty much all on me. I shouldn't have put any kind of pressure on him, especially since he told me beforehand that he just wasn't ready for any sort of commitment in his life. But I was so confused. It FELT as if he DID want more, but perhaps I was wrong. I just feel that I have messed up everything now. We've been intimate with each other now, and we're not on the same page emotionally. I can just feel it, in my heart, that... even if we do start talking as friends again, things will never be like they were nine months ago. There will be a distance between us. No more intimate talks, nothing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, focusing too much on the past, but this is what my heart is telling me will happen...

 

At the same time, my heart also tells me that this guy is my soulmate and that somehow, someday, we will be together. So maybe my heart is a messed up little liar? Heh.

 

I got myself into this mess. I WILL be ok, but it may take a bit of time. I just... don't know what to do. I don't know what I've done. I don't know if I've lost a friend for good. I don't know why I'm feeling such intense feelings for somebody who obviously doesn't want me (because it is NOT like me to get hung up on somebody who just isn't that into me...).

 

As for tonight, I have a date. Just something to help me get my mind off of my guy-friend. Yeah...

[WTRanger]

A few points.

 

1. Nothing will shut a man up faster than when you interrogate him. Men when faced with interrogation revert back only saying their name, birthday, and serial number. They'll tell you just a little to let you think you know what's going on, but in reality you are so far away from the truth. Don't interrogate him. Talk with him.

 

2. Men don't speak hints. Hintanese is a language women invented. Again, talk to him. Be upfront. Either you date, or you don't. No date, no sex.

 

3. Him talking about his "impulses" is a way of saying he's a serial cheater and a scumbag.

 

4. You always want what you can't have. If you two got together, you'd see he's not all your mind made up him to be and the relationship would end up in the sh*thouse within a few months.

 

Let. Him. Go. Be done with it before you turn into the psycho stalker he makes fun of to his guy friends. The girl he can treat like crap yet still sleep with on command.

[C'est La Vie]

A few points.

 

1. Nothing will shut a man up faster than when you interrogate him. Men when faced with interrogation revert back only saying their name, birthday, and serial number. They'll tell you just a little to let you think you know what's going on, but in reality you are so far away from the truth. Don't interrogate him. Talk with him.

 

2. Men don't speak hints. Hintanese is a language women invented. Again, talk to him. Be upfront. Either you date, or you don't. No date, no sex.

 

3. Him talking about his "impulses" is a way of saying he's a serial cheater and a scumbag.

 

4. You always want what you can't have. If you two got together, you'd see he's not all your mind made up him to be and the relationship would end up in the sh*thouse within a few months.

 

Let. Him. Go. Be done with it before you turn into the psycho stalker he makes fun of to his guy friends. The girl he can treat like crap yet still sleep with on command.

 

Thank you for the reply. I realize I made a mistake by interrogating him - bad mistake. I wasn't thinking before I did all of that though... I just did it. And now I regret it!

 

I wouldn't think of him as a serial cheater/scumbag though. I mean, he is one of those really nice/shy guys. He has only had one girlfriend in his life, and she apparently hurt him pretty good from what I've been told.

 

But I also know, from our talks, that he tends to "crush" on girls a lot. He tends to fall in-and-out pretty quickly. I am the same way, but... I know the fine line between just "crushing" on someone, and actually wanting to BE WITH someone, if that makes sense...

 

 

So are you saying I should cut him off completely? Even a friendship (down the road, when I am ready for that)?

[WTRanger]

He doesn't want to commit. He's not in the same space as you are. You have to cut him off for a while, minimum 120 days, until you can get over him in a romantic way. Then, and only then, can you even think about being friends. Most of the time, when the romantic feelings go away you realize you don't want to be around them.

 

The worst thing you can do for yourself is settle for whatever crumbs he's giving you and selling out your body for his attention.

[C'est La Vie]

He doesn't want to commit. He's not in the same space as you are. You have to cut him off for a while, minimum 120 days, until you can get over him in a romantic way. Then, and only then, can you even think about being friends. Most of the time, when the romantic feelings go away you realize you don't want to be around them.

 

The worst thing you can do for yourself is settle for whatever crumbs he's giving you and selling out your body for his attention.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate your replies. I could use all the advice I could get right now... don't really have anybody to turn about this situation irl. Heh.

 

I am... not that type of girl. I don't settle. I want it all, or nothing at all. It's really unlike me to do the whole sex before we're exclusive thing. Every other time, I have been in an actual relationship with a guy before taking that step. I... don't know what happened this time. *Sigh*

 

But no, I'm not gonna let him "use" me/my body. I have more respect for myself than that. I.... really don't think I'm THAT bad looking of a girl. And I think I have a pretty good personality - several people have told me that. So, I would like to think that I'm in a good position to be with a decent guy, when the right one comes along...

 

But still... it's hard, once you have your heart set on something... Yeah. I will try my best not to contact him. 120 days? Looks like I still have 118 to go... I hope he doesn't try contacting me. Honestly, I don't think he will. I think he will leave that up to me to decide. But who am I to know...

 

 

Could this all be about his ex-girlfriend? Could she be the reason he doesn't want to commit? When he talked about her, he seemed to still be holding out some negative feelings about her. It seemed he still hadn't forgiven her, for whatever she did. That was his first/only relationship... it only lasted a few months, and it ended like a year ago... I guess everybody has their own amount of time that they "heal" in though...

[Rashad]

But no' date=' I'm not gonna let him "use" me/my body. I have more respect for myself than that. I.... really don't think I'm THAT bad looking of a girl. [b']And I think I have a pretty good personality - several people have told me that[/b]. So, I would like to think that I'm in a good position to be with a decent guy, when the right one comes along...

Lol, I actually admire how you just speak freely like that.

 

Could this all be about his ex-girlfriend? Could she be the reason he doesn't want to commit? When he talked about her, he seemed to still be holding out some negative feelings about her. It seemed he still hadn't forgiven her, for whatever she did. That was his first/only relationship... it only lasted a few months, and it ended like a year ago... I guess everybody has their own amount of time that they "heal" in though...

So you gone look for problems and then try to fix them?? I got dumped like a year ago for no reason, well she had a reason but it didn't make sense to me. I've been single ever since. I do not know much about this guy but I think I can relate to him... I'll tell you this, I hate it when girls approach me like I'm broken and give me the impression that they are here to fix me and stuff, cause I don't feel broken I just feel like no girl deserves the effort that I'm willing to give. And from my part I cannot be in a relationship without giving my 100% and since no girl deserves my 100% I'm single. So don't try to work on fixing him, but rather prove yourself to be worthy of his love. assuming that you wanna go on this direction.

 

I decide to tell him how I feel. I told him that I like him as more than a friend, and that I have for quite some time. His response was something to the extent of, "Wow. I really respect you a lot more now for telling me this! But I think that once you meet me in person, you're going to see that I'm not who you think I am... and I will disappoint you..."

wow, my ex used to say that... she would tell me that she feels like an evil person and that she is scared because she feels like one day she is going to disappoint me... I didn't see her evil until it was too late.

[lso802]

This guy only likes you as a friend and possibly a FWB. If you're ok with that, then that's fine. If you're expecting more, let him go. It'll hurt for a while, but much better for you in the long run. It'll free you up for your real soulmate.

[C'est La Vie]

Lol, I actually admire how you just speak freely like that.

 

Well, I'm not a cocky person by any means. I could actually probably use some self-esteem boosts. However, if there is one thing I do believe I have going for me, it is my personality. I think I'm fun. People have told me I have a good sense of humor... and a couple of my college professors last semester actually asked me if I did stand up comedy! Lol!

 

 

So you gone look for problems and then try to fix them?? I got dumped like a year ago for no reason, well she had a reason but it didn't make sense to me. I've been single ever since. I do not know much about this guy but I think I can relate to him... I'll tell you this, I hate it when girls approach me like I'm broken and give me the impression that they are here to fix me and stuff, cause I don't feel broken I just feel like no girl deserves the effort that I'm willing to give. And from my part I cannot be in a relationship without giving my 100% and since no girl deserves my 100% I'm single. So don't try to work on fixing him, but rather prove yourself to be worthy of his love. assuming that you wanna go on this direction.

 

Maybe, just maybe, I do look for problems and try to fix them. It isn't JUST with men that I like though, it's with everybody. I like helping people. I feel like I need to help people. It's just... part of who I am. Granted, I know I cannot "fix" somebody who needs time to heal old wounds - they have to do that themselves, in their own time.

 

The part about "100%" - he pretty much told me that exact same line, after I told him how I felt about him and stuff. His exact words were, "I'm not in a place where I can commit right now. How can I give you a relationship when I can't give you what a relationship requires, let alone give it my best?"

 

How can I "prove" myself to be worthy of his love, when I cannot talk to him? I can talk to him, it just pains me to do so. Thus, why I am in No Contact with him right now. Trust me, I often think about things like, "Maybe if I just stick around and show him that I can be a friend to him, that I will always be there for him no matter what, then he will see how great I am..." - But that isn't the right way to approach things. I still have my mind set on us being together, and if we did not end up together, I would again be disappointed. I feel the best thing to do is get "over" him completely - or at least to a point where I won't go psycho if he tells me that he doesn't want a relationship with me again, you know?

[Rashad]

Well, I'm not a cocky person by any means. I could actually probably use some self-esteem boosts. However, if there is one thing I do believe I have going for me, it is my personality.

Its not that I don't believe you... I'm just saying I admire how you go about it.

 

imo, I think you should do some rational thinking during this No-Contact period... Get a paper, write down what you want together with its conditions for example don't just write "I want to be with him" but rather "I want to be with him IF he wants to be with me or whatever"... write down what you don't want, "I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to lose him...etc" you need to be clear with yourself before you become clear with him.

Once you re-establish contact with him... ask him clear cut questions, what does he mean when he says he will disappoint you? what are his feelings towards you? why does he feel like he can't give his 100%? and so on... do not rush him to answer you quickly, you had your time to think so give em sometime to think too.

[spiderowl]

I supect this guy likes you but is not feeling the same level of attraction as you are. This can sometimes change, but I doubt it will change if you hang around as his friend and try to win him over by being there for him. That is not what would make him respect you and respect is essential for a relationship to develop. It is, however, a good way to be taken for granted while he looks over the other girls.

 

If he's not feeling the same attraction, then he may never feel it. If you knew that was the case, how would you behave? Would you still spend time with him hoping to win him over? I doubt it. I'm sure you will know that we seem to have little control over who we are attracted to. You probably know a guy who is sweet and friendly but basically doesn't have that magnetic physical appeal. Are you going to find him more attractive if you spend more time with him? It's possible, but if something already turns you off him then that is not likely to fade.

 

What I'm trying to say is, if he's not very attracted but likes your personality, well, either give up on the romance side and be his friend or distance yourself and maintain your self-respect by not being his FWB.

 

If he is attracted to you but is not as certain as you are and knows he may well find someone else just as interesting next week, then I think you should keep a distance for a while. Then, if you meet up, mention in a casual way that you would only be interested in a proper relationship with him, nothing casual, because you are looking for someone you can take seriously. Be prepared for him not to take you up on this. Also, be consistent with your expressed views and don't spend too much time with him or sleep with him again. He will see that you are not a pushover and are a person who knows what she wants and respects herself. That, in itself, can be attractive and would be to a guy to feels attraction anyway.

 

If he's not up for a fully acknowledged romantic relationship, then mentally dump him even if you cannot do this physically. Remind yourself that he is the one who is really not ready for a grown up relationship and that you are better off with someone who is. If you say what kind of relationship you are looking for in a casual, maybe humourous way, then you are setting the boundaries (a strong woman would do this) and a guy can decide whether to go for it or not. If he knows in his heart that you are not the one for him, then hopefully he won't mess you about by pretending to be. He'll go and look for someone who doesn't set boundaries and, because he'd find it hard to turn down sex if it was an offer, he will probably hurt her in the long run.

[C'est La Vie]

Its not that I don't believe you... I'm just saying I admire how you go about it.

 

imo, I think you should do some rational thinking during this No-Contact period... Get a paper, write down what you want together with its conditions for example don't just write "I want to be with him" but rather "I want to be with him IF he wants to be with me or whatever"... write down what you don't want, "I don't want to get hurt, I don't want to lose him...etc" you need to be clear with yourself before you become clear with him.

Once you re-establish contact with him... ask him clear cut questions, what does he mean when he says he will disappoint you? what are his feelings towards you? why does he feel like he can't give his 100%? and so on... do not rush him to answer you quickly, you had your time to think so give em sometime to think too.

 

Well, thank you for that!

 

And I agree. I mean, I already feel that I am definitely thinking much more rationally than I was 3-4 days ago, but I'm probably nowhere near the point of being completely rational - enough to where I could talk to him without getting upset if he said something I didn't want to hear. So yes, best to wait it out until I'm 100% sure I guess.

 

If I'm being honest here though, I already feel myself beginning not to care - which is strange, and very unlike me. I'm not usually a girl who gives up easily on something I really want. I put up my hardest fight. I don't know if a few weeks, or even months, down the road, I'll have what it takes to try having the talk with him again. As much as I want it... why should I keep trying? He knows I care for him, he knows I want to try a relationship. If it's really something he wanted to try with me, then he would come around, right? I just... don't know if I care to know his answers/reasoning anymore. I mean, I do... but I don't know if I really want to hear it from him. I guess this is something else I should think about during my NC period?

 

 

 

 

 

I supect this guy likes you but is not feeling the same level of attraction as you are. This can sometimes change, but I doubt it will change if you hang around as his friend and try to win him over by being there for him. That is not what would make him respect you and respect is essential for a relationship to develop. It is, however, a good way to be taken for granted while he looks over the other girls.

 

If he's not feeling the same attraction, then he may never feel it. If you knew that was the case, how would you behave? Would you still spend time with him hoping to win him over? I doubt it. I'm sure you will know that we seem to have little control over who we are attracted to. You probably know a guy who is sweet and friendly but basically doesn't have that magnetic physical appeal. Are you going to find him more attractive if you spend more time with him? It's possible, but if something already turns you off him then that is not likely to fade.

 

What I'm trying to say is, if he's not very attracted but likes your personality, well, either give up on the romance side and be his friend or distance yourself and maintain your self-respect by not being his FWB.

 

If he is attracted to you but is not as certain as you are and knows he may well find someone else just as interesting next week, then I think you should keep a distance for a while. Then, if you meet up, mention in a casual way that you would only be interested in a proper relationship with him, nothing casual, because you are looking for someone you can take seriously. Be prepared for him not to take you up on this. Also, be consistent with your expressed views and don't spend too much time with him or sleep with him again. He will see that you are not a pushover and are a person who knows what she wants and respects herself. That, in itself, can be attractive and would be to a guy to feels attraction anyway.

 

If he's not up for a fully acknowledged romantic relationship, then mentally dump him even if you cannot do this physically. Remind yourself that he is the one who is really not ready for a grown up relationship and that you are better off with someone who is. If you say what kind of relationship you are looking for in a casual, maybe humourous way, then you are setting the boundaries (a strong woman would do this) and a guy can decide whether to go for it or not. If he knows in his heart that you are not the one for him, then hopefully he won't mess you about by pretending to be. He'll go and look for someone who doesn't set boundaries and, because he'd find it hard to turn down sex if it was an offer, he will probably hurt her in the long run.

Thank you for your reply. He may very well like me, or he may have been using me. I don't know. I honestly don't believe that he is the type to "use" a woman, but I guess one can never really be too sure.

 

I understand I cannot force somebody to like/love me. I wouldn't want to do that. I want a man to want me because HE wants me. Every woman should feel wanted by a man, and when she's the one pining over him/putting in all of the work to make things happen... how does that make her feel wanted? It doesn't. Well, it doesn't make ME feel wanted anyways.

 

Mentally dumping him... somehow, I believe that I may have already began doing this. We haven't talked in nearly three days. Yes, this is because I need the space and all - he knows this, but still... as a woman, I feel that if he were the least bit interested (even in keeping the friendship going) then he would at least be sending a "Hey whats up" text message. He's not. This obviously shows that I'm not on his mind. That's fine... but it still hurts to like someone so much, and have them completely reject you.

 

I don't know what I'm getting at here. I get what you're saying, and I agree with it all completely.

 

Honestly, I think I'm still thinking... "What if I had a chance with him? What if I hadn't pressured him so much, and just remained his friend and acted cool - could that have made a difference in him wanting something more with me? Have I completely ruined any chance for a relationship that I may have had with him because of my "pushy" behavior?"

 

My faithful and optimistic self is telling me that I shouldn't worry. Everything will work itself out. God will make sure that ANYTHING in life that is 'meant to be' will be.... On the other hand, I sometimes question whether or not everything in life is really based on "fate" - maybe external factors DO play a huge role in determining things? And that's why I question whether or not I messed things up by being pushy.

[C'est La Vie]

I don't even think there's potential for friendship here. I... probably scared him off, for good, even as a friend. Why he would say he wanted to be friends to begin with.... *Sigh*

 

He's purposely ignoring me. He won't talk to me, yet will talk to everybody else. It's not that I WANT to talk to him, because I still need time to heal these wounds. But... to know that I don't even cross his mind, for him to want to at least say "hello" to me or something.

 

I guess our friendship never really meant much to him to begin with. *Shrug*

[Rashad]

Here is the thing, I really do relate to this guy you're talking about... so I wouldn't say that he doesn't care or whatnot, he might be needing time to, but my advice is, use the fact that he is avoiding you to build momentum and just get it over with, clear your mind and do your thinking...

here is my story, if his ex did something similar to this to him, he maybe going through what I'm going through. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2980709#post2980709