abuse..

[ILguy]

hello all..

 

me and my wife have been having a hard time. she has been having an affair and i just found out. we tried counciling but that didnt' seem to work. she was dead set on not ending her romance with the other guy.

 

 

She is also a co-leader of my daughters girl scout troop. last night they had a leaders meeting. seems they "forgot" to tell her. then one of the other leaders made remarks about marriage and how a souse shouldnt cheat on the other. these ladies are her best friends and she felt really let down from them.

 

this afternoon after she got home from work she was really upset. we got into a argument. she kept getting nasty and mean. i ketp tryint to walk away.

she made a remark about thats why she has to go outside the marriage. i said that it would end bad for her. soon as he got tired of her he would drop her like her friends are doing now.

 

she got mad. she started beating the crap out of me. i even have bite marks on my back.

 

so i called the cops and she was arrested.

 

So why the **** do i feel so damn bad about it? why do i feel like i am the one throwing the marriage out the window? why do i feel like im the one who is in teh wrong?

 

i know i am am doing whats right. but i just feel so wrong.

[mohdhm]

i believe the reason you feel wrong is: "what did i miss?" "what could i have done to prevent this catastrophe."

 

For the record, what you did was absolutely right... i think you feel bad because you didn't act sooner.

[Woggle]

You are right for what you are doing and please don't back down. I am actually surprised they arrested her instead of you. I know it seems harsh but she brought this situation on herself and karma is catching up with her. Also if you divorce this gives you some serious leverage in court. Cheating is not that big a deal but violence certainly is and it is on record.

[anne1707]

You feel bad because you are a decent person who cares. You have done nothing wrong here. There is never an excuse for violence. Never.

 

Look after yourself and your daughter - is she aware of this incident?

[Citizen Erased]

Good for you. She's a psycho and TBH, if you'd used force to get her off you, then I think she had it coming. She has no respect for you or your relationship and I really hope you're done with her. Cheating and abuse are two things nobody should ever look past in a relationship.

[ILguy]

You are right for what you are doing and please don't back down. I am actually surprised they arrested her instead of you. I know it seems harsh but she brought this situation on herself and karma is catching up with her. Also if you divorce this gives you some serious leverage in court. Cheating is not that big a deal but violence certainly is and it is on record.

 

 

the first officer that came was a young man. i think he wanted to arrest me even after hearing both sides (my wife ran out to talk to him first).

 

he came in and asked me if i had a place to go. i said no i have no friend or family in the area. She has both family and friends within 10 minute drive. he kept saying if someone did not leave (she refused) he would make someone leave while giving me a dirty look.

 

Then a Sgt came and talked to us both. he said the same and i asked why i should leave when i am the victim and i have the cuts and bite marks.

 

he asked if i would sign papers. he said he would ask her one last time to leave and if not then she would be arrested.

 

he went out and asked her again to leave and she said something like "no i want him out of my ****ing house" so they arrested her.

 

i was actually ready to get arrested

 

 

but man i still feel bad even atalking to teh crisis abuse center. they said this is normal for victims of abuse.

 

Tuesday i can go in and get a Order of protection for me and my family. then push for the judge to force her into counceling.

 

from what i understand she is very depressed. she has been batteling it for years. she took herself off the meds when my son was born 4 years ago. When people get so far down they need to do extreme things to get reactions and postive emotions. wich they said can be voilence and her getting into new relation ships.

 

this is not to excuse her. i am past that. but for me to understand and get her help for her and my kids.

[Woggle]

I am pleasently surprised that the police arrested her. Maybe things are starting to change and the poor little victim act is wearing thin. After this I would get a lawyer. I know you don't want to play dirty but you might be in for the fight of your life.

[BlackLovely]

I hit one of my exes. I have no remorse, because he made a habit of coming very close to my face and screaming. I asked him repeatedly not to do so and explained that I felt threatened and abused when that happened. He refused to listen, continuing to chase me and scream "YOU NEED TO! YOU HAVE TO!" when I told him not to talk to me when I was angry. Not even telling him that I needed my space when pissed, helped him stop the controlling behavior.

 

One day, after two years of him forcing his will on me, this pussy yelled in my face, in public for the umpteenth time. I turned around, got close to HIS face and yelled. I also proceeded to beat his ass. It felt like punching out a bully. People witnessed this and my ex told me that he "took down the names and numbers" of everyone who saw me mess him up. My response was that I hope the witnesses also said what they saw HIM do.

 

Chasing an angry person and bellowing in their face is harassment and emotional abuse. Any fool who does this to their partner, even after several calm discussions, is cruising for a bloodclot bruising. My ex admitted that he would never do such a thing to his male friends, because he knew it would lead to a beat down.

 

Domestic violence is very, very wrong. However, I shared this story so that I could illustrate that sometimes provocation is the issue. Whether the OP provoked his wife is not something I can judge since I wasn't there.

 

I would think that the OP feels guilty simply because he had his wife arrested, even if she deserved it. Nobody likes to see their spouse in cuffs, even if it's completely necessary. Also, he may feel that being arrested may put his wife in another depression. As long as the OP did not provoke his wife by abusing her, he did the right thing.

[ILguy]

I hit one of my exes. I have no remorse, because he made a habit of coming very close to my face and screaming. I asked him repeatedly not to do so and explained that I felt threatened and abused when that happened. He refused to listen, continuing to chase me and scream "YOU NEED TO! YOU HAVE TO!" when I told him not to talk to me when I was angry. Not even telling him that I needed my space when pissed, helped him stop the controlling behavior.

 

One day, after two years of him forcing his will on me, this pussy yelled in my face, in public for the umpteenth time. I turned around, got close to HIS face and yelled. I also proceeded to beat his ass. It felt like punching out a bully. People witnessed this and my ex told me that he "took down the names and numbers" of everyone who saw me mess him up. My response was that I hope the witnesses also said what they saw HIM do.

 

Chasing an angry person and bellowing in their face is harassment and emotional abuse. Any fool who does this to their partner, even after several calm discussions, is cruising for a bloodclot bruising. My ex admitted that he would never do such a thing to his male friends, because he knew it would lead to a beat down.

 

Domestic violence is very, very wrong. However, I shared this story so that I could illustrate that sometimes provocation is the issue. Whether the OP provoked his wife is not something I can judge since I wasn't there.

 

I would think that the OP feels guilty simply because he had his wife arrested, even if she deserved it. Nobody likes to see their spouse in cuffs, even if it's completely necessary. Also, he may feel that being arrested may put his wife in another depression. As long as the OP did not provoke his wife by abusing her, he did the right thing.

 

wow..way to read into something when you werent t here.

 

and here i thought i would get good advice not backhanded accusations.

[BlackLovely]

Um, did you read the bolded part??? I said that I cannot judge since I wasn't there. Look again.

The fact that you took my post, as a backhanded accusation speaks very loudly to me. I was only offering my own experience and opinion.

If you did not hit your wife or emotionally abuse her, right before this incident, then you were right to call in the police.

[scienceguy]

I hit one of my exes. I have no remorse, because he made a habit of coming very close to my face and screaming. I asked him repeatedly not to do so and explained that I felt threatened and abused when that happened. He refused to listen, continuing to chase me and scream "YOU NEED TO! YOU HAVE TO!" when I told him not to talk to me when I was angry. Not even telling him that I needed my space when pissed, helped him stop the controlling behavior.

 

One day, after two years of him forcing his will on me, this pussy yelled in my face, in public for the umpteenth time. I turned around, got close to HIS face and yelled. I also proceeded to beat his ass. It felt like punching out a bully. People witnessed this and my ex told me that he "took down the names and numbers" of everyone who saw me mess him up. My response was that I hope the witnesses also said what they saw HIM do.

 

Chasing an angry person and bellowing in their face is harassment and emotional abuse. Any fool who does this to their partner, even after several calm discussions, is cruising for a bloodclot bruising. My ex admitted that he would never do such a thing to his male friends, because he knew it would lead to a beat down.

 

Domestic violence is very, very wrong. However, I shared this story so that I could illustrate that sometimes provocation is the issue. Whether the OP provoked his wife is not something I can judge since I wasn't there.

 

I would think that the OP feels guilty simply because he had his wife arrested, even if she deserved it. Nobody likes to see their spouse in cuffs, even if it's completely necessary. Also, he may feel that being arrested may put his wife in another depression. As long as the OP did not provoke his wife by abusing her, he did the right thing.

 

Hate to break it to you, but the way you've described events, it does not seem like you were justified in behaving the way you did. If your ex repeatedly got in your face, intimidated you, and disrespected you, then you leave him. If he still harasses you, then document it, and get a restraining order. Physical violence is only acceptable in self-defense, and even then, the general rule is that you use the minimum violence necessary to protect yourself. The fact that you "beat his ass" suggests you went way over the top.

 

I don't want to come across as unsympathetic to your situation, but you could have handled things in a more mature way.

[lizzibeth]

I hit one of my exes. I have no remorse, because he made a habit of coming very close to my face and screaming. I asked him repeatedly not to do so and explained that I felt threatened and abused when that happened. He refused to listen, continuing to chase me and scream "YOU NEED TO! YOU HAVE TO!" when I told him not to talk to me when I was angry. Not even telling him that I needed my space when pissed, helped him stop the controlling behavior.

 

One day, after two years of him forcing his will on me, this pussy yelled in my face, in public for the umpteenth time. I turned around, got close to HIS face and yelled. I also proceeded to beat his ass. It felt like punching out a bully. People witnessed this and my ex told me that he "took down the names and numbers" of everyone who saw me mess him up. My response was that I hope the witnesses also said what they saw HIM do.

 

Chasing an angry person and bellowing in their face is harassment and emotional abuse. Any fool who does this to their partner, even after several calm discussions, is cruising for a bloodclot bruising. My ex admitted that he would never do such a thing to his male friends, because he knew it would lead to a beat down.

 

Domestic violence is very, very wrong. However, I shared this story so that I could illustrate that sometimes provocation is the issue. Whether the OP provoked his wife is not something I can judge since I wasn't there.

 

I would think that the OP feels guilty simply because he had his wife arrested, even if she deserved it. Nobody likes to see their spouse in cuffs, even if it's completely necessary. Also, he may feel that being arrested may put his wife in another depression. As long as the OP did not provoke his wife by abusing her, he did the right thing.

 

You sound like my ex husband. "You make me do ...."

 

Laying your hands on someone is NEVER appropriate, regardless of what was SAID with WORDS.

 

I think he feels bad because he saw the woman he married and the mother of his children suffer through actions of her own doing. I was in the exact same situation. I finally called the cops on my ex husband for hitting me. The cops asked him to leave and he refused. I begged him to leave and he refused. Then the cops asked him to stand up and arrested him. It tore me up, at the time. But it's because this is someone we do or did care for, not because WE did ANYTHING wrong.

 

I hope everything works out.

[BlackLovely]

Hate to break it to you, but the way you've described events, it does not seem like you were justified in behaving the way you did. If your ex repeatedly got in your face, intimidated you, and disrespected you, then you leave him. If he still harasses you, then document it, and get a restraining order. Physical violence is only acceptable in self-defense, and even then, the general rule is that you use the minimum violence necessary to protect yourself. The fact that you "beat his ass" suggests you went way over the top.

 

I don't want to come across as unsympathetic to your situation, but you could have handled things in a more mature way.

 

Yes, and my ex was very mature to intimidate me, right? In my eyes, I was only defending myself. I love the way you judge me for hitting him, but not him for harassing me.

[BlackLovely]

You sound like my ex husband. "You make me do ...."

 

Laying your hands on someone is NEVER appropriate, regardless of what was SAID with WORDS.

 

I think he feels bad because he saw the woman he married and the mother of his children suffer through actions of her own doing. I was in the exact same situation. I finally called the cops on my ex husband for hitting me. The cops asked him to leave and he refused. I begged him to leave and he refused. Then the cops asked him to stand up and arrested him. It tore me up, at the time. But it's because this is someone we do or did care for, not because WE did ANYTHING wrong.

 

I hope everything works out.

 

When did I ever say that my ex "made me" hit him?? He may have provoked me mercilessly, despite my pleadings with him to stop. However, it WAS my choice to my violent with him.

 

If the man was beating you and you called the police on him, there is no rational reason for you to feel bad. How can you feel bad, if you know you did nothing wrong??

 

I posted my own experience, because I wanted people to see that there are always two sides.

 

My bag was stolen about a week after the incident. When I went to the police, I asked them about the situation with my ex. They asked me a series of questions, including whether or not I had a violent past. One of the most seasoned cops said: "If your ex was scared for his safety, he would have called us right away, instead of just threatening you with police attendance. You interestingly did not draw blood, leave bruises or break any bones; which tells me, as a police officer, that you did not truly mean to hurt him. You just wanted to get him out of your face! Coming close to someone's face and screaming is assault; you were only defending yourself. Most violent people do not just start being violent at 21. It sounds like he provoked you. In the future, make sure you leave any man that thinks it's okay to harass you."