Jealousy - Husband's Ex's and Bizarre Past Relationships

[LadyAngler]

Ok, forgive me if this post is long - I just have to write it all out and explain it in length or it won't make sense.

 

I am recently married. Before I got married I was very happy with my relationship. Now that we are married I feel insecure, smothered and confused. Some of the things that are bothering me are this.

 

My husband has had weird relationships with other women. There is a teacher who is married and in her 50's who seems obsessed with my husbands son who is 12. When my husband was single and divorced she would take care of his son after school. She would keep his son at her house for days at a time and her, her husband and her son who is 13 would take him everywhere. Everyone has thought this was weird because she had acted like his son is her own child and when we got married she became very upset and jealous because she was no longer going to babysit and take care of his son. She still calls inviting his son to go places with her and sends Valentine's cards and gifts to his son. She's got her own family why is she so obsessed with my husband and his son? I met her several times and felt very uncomfortable around her. She started grilling me with personal questions about myself and my life that were none of her business - I don't know her from Adam. I told my husband this woman was strange and didn't want her interferring in our married life - he understood and has cut ties (so he says). Last week I ran into this woman and she said that my husband called her that day. I was shocked because he said he was cutting ties. He said "Oh I called her because I saw her caller ID on my cell phone and thought she called". I can't figure out what is going on with this woman - it was a bizarre relationship - she still seems obsessed with my husband and his son - if she's not sending cards or calling she's inviting his son to go places.

 

Also the neighbor woman across the street is always fawning over my husband and his son too - she's got a son who comes to visit and he's always bringing gifts for my stepson. She calls and comes by alot to "chat".

 

What is bugging me about all this? We are newly married and I also have a son who is 12. My son is having a hard time adjusting to the new marriage plus new home and neighborhood - and I'm having a hard time adjusting to my husband and these women who fawn all over him and his son.

 

Another "woman" in my husband's life is his stepdaughter from his first marriage. When his son goes every other weekend to visit his mother this stepdaughter comes and goes in our house as she pleases. When she sees my husband she runs up and throws her arms around him and puts his head in her hands and kisses him. She's 18 and a Lolita type. Always dressed risque with dragon lady fingernails and see thru shirts. Last time she waltzed in she pulled her pants down to show my husband her new tattoo (next to her crotch on her bikini line). This girl puts on a show in front of me deliberately.

 

I honestly feel my husband enjoys the attention and eggs these women on or flirts with them. I know he would freak if the tables were turned and I had males in my life similiar to this.

 

I am jealous of these women - but I feel that my husband flirts and gives these women reason to be in his life. Now that we are married I feel he should cut ties. Or am I just being insecure and jealous?

 

The stepdaughter waltzing in and out of our house like she owns it - and she puts on a show to hug and kiss him but won't acknowledge me at all. I feel intentionally snubbed and my husband sees it bothers me but never does anything.

 

The weird teacher who is obsessed with his son - even he admits the relationship is strange and said even his family thinks it's weird - but he didn't do anything about it until I asked him to - then after he said he cut ties I run into this woman and she says my husband called her?

 

And the neighbor woman - she also walks into our house and calls alot. Her son is constantly over at our house so she feels she can come in and out as she pleases too.

 

I am newly married and just moved into his house so I'm trying to establish things for me and my son - but it's hard. It's supposed to be my house now too - should I put my foot down? I don't want to seem jealous and look silly.

 

And there's another thing. My husband slept with one of his mother's friends. When we were first dating he invited me on vacation with him and I found out on my own that his mother and her friend would be there. At first I didn't want to go I felt so uncomfortable but went anyway. This woman was no competition and was really ugly and unattractive. I found out they just had drinks one night and she ended up giving him a blow job.

 

All this makes me uneasy and unable to trust my husband. I feel he's egging these women on and flirting with them - the deal with his stepdaughter is just too weird - she flirts with him when she comes over and he makes comments like "She looks like a million bucks".

 

To me she's his exwife's daughter (not his) from a previous marriage. He's divorced from his ex - this Lolita needs to go too. She is his son's half-sister and she works as waitress at Hooters and probably is a topless dancer on the side. I think she enjoys flirting with him as much as he enjoys watching her flirt.

 

There are a few other weird things in his life but I won't go into those or this will turn into a novel. I wasn't jealous or insecure when we were dating but now that we are married I look at these women more closely and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Sometimes he intentionally likes to make me jealous by saying how the teacher lavishes gifts on his son or how the neighbor mom brought over a half gallon of ice cream "just because".

 

I feel these women could care less that I'm married to him and are flirting with my husband intentionally. My husband enjoys it and I'm nobody.

 

Problem is - I am having to deal with all of this while he thinks it's just funny. How can I handle this without seeming so jealous and insecure?

[befuddled11]

Hi there,

 

The first thing that struck me as odd, from your post, was this bit about how the "teacher" and her husband and son used to care for your husband's son "for days." That's wacked. I can see a kid spending a night over, but to be with people other than his parent(s) for days, what's with that? How could your husband have basically let people who aren't even relatives, care for him, for such extended periods of time? Was he pawning off his son to have a break or something? Did he travel away from home for long periods? What was the reason for it?

 

My first piece of advice: GET ALL THE LOCKS CHANGED NOW. There is no, no, NO reason for any of these weirdo ladies, stepdaughter included, to have a key to YOUR and your husband's home. No way, no how. Don't have hubby ask for the keys back, just have all the locks re-keyed. You sure as h*ll don't have to put up with these individuals coming and going as they please, that's just plain wrong. Frankly, I'm surprised that they don't know enough to have some class and courtesy and respect for you, and to at least call first before coming over.

 

The stepdaughter thing is troubling, particularly in light of the other info you've divulged, about your sense that your hubby enjoys the attention he gets from these women...and the fact that he had the poor taste to boink his own MOTHER'S FRIEND (good god). Anyway, back to the stepdaughter. I guess if she's your hubby's son's half-sister (both have the same mother, correct?), it wouldn't be right to forbid her from having contact with your family......as his son (your stepson) has a right to see his-sister.....but geez, I'd be mighty tempted to take her aside and explain to her that now that you're the wife and it's your home TOO, there's going to be some rules........rules about common courtesy and decency. And if she wants to come over: call first. She won't be coming and going as she pleases (of course once you get the locks re-keyed, that shouldn't be an issue..but you should still tell her in advance).......and seeing how your home isn't a brothel or The Bunny Ranch, you expect her to dress appropriately if she wants to be in your home.......no skanky skirts, no see-through shirts, and refrain from flashing her freaking tattoos. Obviously your hubby isn't going to feel the need to tell her this, so you're going to have to do it. If she doesn't like it, which she likely won't, maybe she won't come around. Boohoo.

 

The fact that the teacher "states" she's been in phone contact w/ your husband recently, though he's claimed to have "cut the ties".........sounds like an out an out lie on his part.

 

What I find sad is, you feel that your husband purposely tries to make you jealous...and finds it "funny" when you tell him how you feel about all this. That to me, is the most concerning consideration here.

 

How long did you know him/date him prior to marrying?

 

How did you not know about these other women prior to marrying him? Surely you would have spent time at his place, and have met/heard about these women?

[jmargel]

You need to put your foot down and lay out some ground rules. If I were you I would also be talking to these women, and setting them straight. That whole thing about the old lady watching his son.. Where was he for all those days?

 

And the stepdaughter? That's totally disgusting. My fiancee's stepfather has walked around naked in front of my fiancee (before we became an item & she lived there). There are some boundaries you don't cross. You need to set her straight as well as your husband. Why did you marry this guy if you had problems with him to start?

[Arabess]

I was thinking much the same as JMargel..... Did you KNOW this guy before you agreed to marry him?

[Benedict]

Me, three! I am guessing you did not date for long, because this crap is so deep and foul that there is no way you could have not seen (or smelled) it early on. Very early on.

 

At the very least, your new hubby is into some serious head games - directed at you. At worst... well, the worst I am sure you can figure out for yourself...

 

I think you're a victim here - but a victim with power. Power to put an end to this. At the very least, assert your position IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS - to the teacher, the neighbor, the step-ho - but especially to the husband. He owes respect and consideration to you. To you first and foremost, to the point where it outweighs all other people put together... well, at least all those people mentioned, excepting maybe his own son.

 

But your son, on the other hand, is a powerless victim. He can't do squat. He is at a critical age, LadyAngler - an age where he is learning how to be a man. Guess who he will be watching most? Do you really want to turn another guy loose on the world who has learned from this guy?

[Errol]

I wouldn't even bother talking to these other women. The problem is your husband and his blatent disrespect for you. If he cares about your feelings then HE should tell his step-daughter to behave herself and show ALL of you some respect. She's parading around like that when there are 12 year old boys in the house too!!!??? Even if she were not coming on to your husband, that behavior has got to go.

 

Just have the locks changed and then tell your husband when you give him a key. Tell him that you would appreciate it if, out of respect and consideration for his new wife's feelings, he would not give copies of the key to anyone else.

 

As for the neighbor - let the kids play together, but don't let her in the house when you are home. Keep the doors locked and when she comes over just open the door wide enough to talk to her through the crack. If she says anything about it just tell her that now is not a good time for YOU to have company in YOUR home.

 

You can tell your husband that you would also appreciate him talking to any and all neighbors that are causing problems, to please stop barging in and that he is cutting ties with them. Then when you do see a neighbor you can ask "did my husband talk with you about not seeing each other?" If they say "no" confront the husband and get details. If it continues and you dont trust anyone - go with your husband to talk with these women so that there is no question or doubt. If he is not willing to do this, you may want to rethink your marriage and find some alternatives for you and your son.