I called the wedding OFF

[beforewegrewup]

I’m 28 and she is 25. We’ve known each other for the past five years and have been dating the past two. In the beginning things were great. I mean perfect…but things went south and real fast. Plus, it’s a long-distance relationship. The MOMENT her dad discovered we were in a relationship (which was nearly seven or eight months after we became official) we started having a number of issues, but not limited to:

 

• Rejection/Neglecting

o Lack of touching

o Sexual double-standard

o Perception that was allowed to be maintained in the beginning of the relationship with the family that required so much more effort and work for them to see things differently (no respect of the relationship because there “wasn’t one”)

• Sexual

o Impromptu pregnancy scares that will “go away” once we’re married

 

Most the items listed above are being worked on. Some cannot change and others are new additions. My self-esteem went from high in the stars to down in the dirt. I’m not in the dirt anymore nor do I feel I will reach the stars again anytime soon. The issues in the relationship started from the very beginning and have been on-going…though we may have discussed these issues, that don’t mean issues are resolved at that very moment. Some take more time than others.

 

I’m very sexually attracted to my girlfriend, but not sexually interested. It has become too high a cost to get sexually involved with her due to days and weeks of stress that will ensue afterwards with “if I am pregnant” or “could I be pregnant” and things of such. It is too much. I hope these feelings change over time.

 

The lack of touching or not taking care of me sexually further reinforced my feeling of rejection and neglect. I take care of her, but nothing on my end? We can have any kind of sex we want, even PENETRATION!... but NOT with my penis? Do you see how this can have an effect on my psyche? Do you understand the message this sends to me? It resulted in the constant sexual double-standard which lead to the lack of intimacy nearly becoming the destruction of it.

 

She doesn’t want penetration from my penis because she said “She has made her peace with God” after a pregnancy scare we had. I don’t push sex anymore, but when you want to do everything but penetration it makes me think she is using sex as a weapon. I can’t help but feel like I “resent” her vagina for the fact that I have to marry her to get it after receiving it prior (which was wild/steamy/crazy sex). I’m just going through withdrawal from it. So I am angry (I will admit that).

 

She kept our relationship a secret in the beginning and ducks and dodges her family because her dad and his side of the family controls and runs her. I actually believe her and her dad has an unnatural relationship or that the dad sees her differently. Her behaves more like a boyfriend than a dad. I could go on and on to validate that claim, but there are enough issues I am inquiring from the world wide web to assist on.

 

I don’t want a sexless marriage. I did want to marry her, but now I have reservations. I even encouraged her to utilize her insurance and see a life coach. I send letters, flowers, ecards, vacations, relax, etc. We do all sort of stuff and really enjoy each other’s company. We can be in each other’s space for weeks at a time and everything would be fine. The lack of sex is causing stress. I have never cheated on her, but I do consider dumping her. Out of all of my research it says if the relationship is sexless so will the marriage. She tries to reassure me that that won’t be the case, but I think it is a ploy for me to marry her. She is beyond obsessed with the IDEA of being married but I do not think she understands what it takes. I’m not being super judging but she has never lived on her own, never made a major decision on her own, refuses to live with me for religious reasons now, but promises all of these shortfalls will change when we marry.

 

I understand and know that people don’t change overnight. I am getting very upset and feel maybe we have made each other better for the person we are to marry…which very well may not be each other.

 

What do you all think?

[stillafool]

I don't understand. Did you guys want to remain celebate until marriage? Can't she use birth control pills to ease the worry of pregnancy? You've known her for 5 years and haven't met her family?

[Lauriebell82]

I'm sorry, but she is has every right to want to remain celebate before marriage. Personally, I think you are being a little selfish here, you aren't the one who is in danger of getting pregnant! You could just walk away if you wanted to. Does she believe in birth control? That lowers the risk. Oh, and you are not going to "withdrawal" from lack of sex. You guys do other sexual things right?

 

It sounds to me like the main issue you have is that she won't have sex with you before marriage because she is scared of getting pregnant..but you guys are engaged and going to get married? Why don't you just have a quick wedding or something? I don't get it...

[aerogurl87]

Beforewegrewup you just posted this exact post in the long distance relationships forum word for word. What are you looking for exactly? Validation for how you feel?

[beforewegrewup]

For still a fool:

We had a lot of sex up until last October when she thought she may have been pregnant (the condom broke) but I knew she wouldn't be. In that fear she made a pact that she wouldn't have sex again because she didn't want to get pregnant.

 

For Lauriebell:

No one is saying she doesn't have the right to do whatever she wants with her body. Ultimately if a woman wanted to get an abortion she could do it and there's nothing the man can say or do about it. That is not the argument here on what she can and cannot do with her body. She is scared out of her mind of birth control due to the side effects she hears of in commercials. What the argument is: Do you honestly believe that if you just stop having sex that your partner is not going to feel a ripple effect from it? Yes it is your right to have sex whether you're married or not; but if you start eating meat its hard to go back to vegetables (e.g. having sex a lot and then coming to a halt to none at all)

 

In the bedroom I am very selfless.

 

 

For aerogurl87:

I just wanted to reach a larger audience is all.

[Mutant Debutante]

This is very confusing. Your girlfriend is scared of getting pregnant and having a baby out of wedlock, so she doesn't want your penis in her because you guys already had one pregnancy scare. That's really not all that unreasonable, dude. A lot of chemical birth control can be really bad for women, carry risk of stroke, sometimes the hormones just make you sick all the time. Being pregnant is a GREAT BIG HUGE DEAL. You guys are doing everything else, oral, hands, maybe anal, whatever? And you're calling off the wedding because of this? You sound really selfish and like you're not trying to be understanding AT ALL. And your issues are all over the place, what is the deal with her lying about your relationship? You're very unclear about that.

[Eeyore79]

The lack of touching or not taking care of me sexually further reinforced my feeling of rejection and neglect. I take care of her, but nothing on my end?

 

Like many other men, you think that sexually satisfying a woman is what makes her want to sexually satisfy you in return. It doesn't work like that at all!

 

Whether someone sexually satisfies me has very little to do with whether I want to satisfy them. Romance and affection and closeness and caring are the things that make me want to sexually satisfy a man; what he does for me sexually is completely irrelevant.

[Lauriebell82]

For still a fool:

We had a lot of sex up until last October when she thought she may have been pregnant (the condom broke) but I knew she wouldn't be. In that fear she made a pact that she wouldn't have sex again because she didn't want to get pregnant.

 

For Lauriebell:

What the argument is: Do you honestly believe that if you just stop having sex that your partner is not going to feel a ripple effect from it? Yes it is your right to have sex whether you're married or not; but if you start eating meat its hard to go back to vegetables (e.g. having sex a lot and then coming to a halt to none at all)

 

I think I would feel SOME loss, but at the same time, I love my fiance and would respect his concerns and wishes. We have the rest of our lives to have sex.

 

Also, how did you know she wouldn't be pregnant? The condom broke, she could have EASILY turned up pregnant..thank your lucky stars it didn't turn out that way! Persoanlly, if I wasn't on birth control and the condom broke I would be scared out of my mind to have sex again! I think any woman who is not ready to have a child would be scared.

 

Let me give you an analogy:

You have sex with a woman with HIV, but she doesn't disclose this to you prior to hooking up. The condom breaks: assuming you don't contract HIV, wouldn't you be scared to have sex again after experiencing that??

[beforewegrewup]

Mutant_Debutante:

She is not on birth control and I am not saying I have a problem with her not being on birth control. Of course I can never understand what it would be like to be pregnant, but I am responsible and it would be pretty darn scary to me. The complaint I have is she is getting all of the pleasure which as a result puts her to sleep. That's cool. I just would love for her to return the favor when she wakes up...but she doesn't think about it nor feels like doing anything. So, what was fun isn't fun anymore.

The reason she lied about the relationship is because she knows her dad will try to wreck the relationship which he has on more than one occasion. She isn't completely off the hook because she allows him to do these things. It's only recent that she took charge of her life. There's so much I can type you all would say "godlee".

 

Eeyore79:

What woman doesn't want romance, affection, closeness, and a caring environment. She is not lacking in any of these areas. She's just scared of getting pregnant and feels that she will the next time we do it. We have had sex a few times after that because she really wanted to, but afterwards she was afraid that she might be pregnant so I don't even sex her for the stress that will happen afterwards. I am sorry that if the man you love pleasures you, you don't feel the need to hook him up back. It doesn't have to be at that very moment, but both parties should be looking out for each other. It shouldn't be a one-way street.

 

Lauriebell82:

Maybe that's the difference between men and women. Love and carnel needs are two different things. If a woman is sexless now, statistically speaking, she will be even more sexless later. Throughout the relationship we have been using the ovulation tests and stuff to ensure we are not in the "red zone" if you will where the risk of pregnancy is significantly high. We were in the clear and when the condom broke I was being responsible and told her it did. Had I not we would still be having sex, but keeping something like that from her wasn't something I was going to do. No matter how confident I may felt about her NOT being pregnant. You analogy is cool and all, but in no way or fashion does it apply to THIS scenario.

[Lauriebell82]

Lauriebell82:

Maybe that's the difference between men and women. Love and carnel needs are two different things. If a woman is sexless now, statistically speaking, she will be even more sexless later. Throughout the relationship we have been using the ovulation tests and stuff to ensure we are not in the "red zone" if you will where the risk of pregnancy is significantly high. We were in the clear and when the condom broke I was being responsible and told her it did. Had I not we would still be having sex, but keeping something like that from her wasn't something I was going to do. No matter how confident I may felt about her NOT being pregnant. You analogy is cool and all, but in no way or fashion does it apply to THIS scenario.

 

Ovulation tests should be used when you are TRYING to get pregnant, not to avoid a pregnancy. To me, that would just take the fun out of sex. If she refuses to go on birth control and resort to only using condons then waiting until marriage is a smarter thing to do, FOR HER. She is looking out for herself. Who is to say that if she does wind up pregnant you will stick around? Judging by your posts I would bet good money that you wouldn't be able to handle an unplanned pregnancy..which she probably senses.

 

I think you are looking for a man to tell you that it's sh*tty she isn't putting out and that you did the right thing by calling off the wedding. No woman is EVER going to tell you something like that. Mostly women post in the "getting married" forum, so if you are looking for someone to agree with you then it's probably not going to happen. You are pretty much disagreeing with everything we say even though we have some very valid points. You hit the nail on the head when you said that there is a difference between men and women when it comes to premarital sex and abstinence. She's being smart and thinking with her head, you are thnking with your penis.

 

The bottom line is that we are here giving you advice, but clearly it's not the advice that you are willing to accept. So either here us out or seek another target audience.

[beforewegrewup]

I do hear you out Lauriebell82. If I wanted to bolt to get some booty elsewhere I can. But I don't want to because I love her is all. It's just a very frustrating period for ME as it is for HER as well....

[Lauriebell82]

I do hear you out Lauriebell82. If I wanted to bolt to get some booty elsewhere I can. But I don't want to because I love her is all. It's just a very frustrating period for ME as it is for HER as well....

 

What?? You called off the wedding, you DID bolt. If you loved her you would support her. Did you break up with her or just call off the wedding? I would be freaking devasted if my fiance called off our wedding and would never trust him ever again..especially if the reason was that he was pissed I wasn't having sex with him out of fear of being pregnant! And I STILL don't understand why you guys just can't get married at like the JOP or have small quickie wedding. Then you won't argue about it anymore!

 

You are worreid that she is lying and manipulating you into marrying her so she can continue to refuse having sex with you? If you really don't trust her that much then you actually SHOULDN'T be getting married. I think she deserves more than that honestly..

Edited September 5, 2010 by Lauriebell82

[RockinZ28]

i don't know if you've noticed my man but these are all women replying..they may not understand just how important sex is in a relationship,(clearly they don't, calling you selfish for not getting what everyone else on the planet gets in a relationship) without it a man feels empty and feels no love from his partner..i was in the EXACT same debacle you were in(except sex, just infrequent with promises of more after marriage)..she was constantly pressing for marriage too..i ended up leaving the relationship, best decision i ever made, she just got divorced last month due to a sexless marriage..you get married to this woman and you're going to be just as empty in a few years and also splitting everything you own with her once the divorce goes through..good luck

Edited September 6, 2010 by RockinZ28
editing

[BlackLovely]

i don't know if you've noticed my man but these are all women replying..they may not understand just how important sex is in a relationship,(clearly they don't, calling you selfish for not getting what everyone else on the planet gets in a relationship) without it a man feels empty and feels no love from his partner..i was in the EXACT same debacle you were in(except sex, just infrequent with promises of more after marriage)..she was constantly pressing for marriage too..i ended up leaving the relationship, best decision i ever made, she just got divorced last month due to a sexless marriage..you get married to this woman and you're going to be just as empty in a few years and also splitting everything you own with her once the divorce goes through..good luck

Not every woman is the same. Sex is so important to me, that it's one of the main reasons I choose not to have children. Kids mess up your sex life; there's no more privacy or time for each other.

While getting pregnant is a very real fear for me, I just use birth control pills. They give me stomach problems, but I don't want to use condoms with my man anymore.

 

To be honest, I would not marry a man that couldn't keep up with my high, high sex drive. When I was single, I would dump any man that wasn't good in bed, regardless of other redeeming qualities. I had a very Christian ex that was against pre-marital sex. Needless to say, I left him. I would not have said yes to my fiance's proposal, if I wasn't sure how good he was in bed.

 

Engagement-sex=a canceled wedding. Nothing wrong with the OP prioritizing sex.

[RockinZ28]

Not every woman is the same. Sex is so important to me, that it's one of the main reasons I choose not to have children. Kids mess up your sex life; there's no more privacy or time for each other.

While getting pregnant is a very real fear for me, I just use birth control pills. They give me stomach problems, but I don't want to use condoms with my man anymore.

 

To be honest, I would not marry a man that couldn't keep up with my high, high sex drive. When I was single, I would dump any man that wasn't good in bed, regardless of other redeeming qualities. I had a very Christian ex that was against pre-marital sex. Needless to say, I left him. I would not have said yes to my fiance's proposal, if I wasn't sure how good he was in bed.

 

Engagement-sex=a canceled wedding. Nothing wrong with the OP prioritizing sex.

 

well said ..and i know all women aren't the same, i was simply referring to the terrible advice given to the OP in this thread

[BlackLovely]

well said ..and i know all women aren't the same, i was simply referring to the terrible advice given to the OP in this thread

It's not terrible, it's just from a limited perspective.

[Lauriebell82]

i don't know if you've noticed my man but these are all women replying..they may not understand just how important sex is in a relationship,(clearly they don't, calling you selfish for not getting what everyone else on the planet gets in a relationship) without it a man feels empty and feels no love from his partner..i was in the EXACT same debacle you were in(except sex, just infrequent with promises of more after marriage)..she was constantly pressing for marriage too..i ended up leaving the relationship, best decision i ever made, she just got divorced last month due to a sexless marriage..you get married to this woman and you're going to be just as empty in a few years and also splitting everything you own with her once the divorce goes through..good luck

 

There ya go OP, just the type of response you are looking for!

[beforewegrewup]

Lauriebell82:

 

I'm most appreciative of BlackLovely's response who shares similar views. BUT, I didn't post my concerns to get anyone to validate my P.O.V. but hear different perspectives. If it makes me selfish, then I am cool with that because being in a sexless is.... insane.

[beforewegrewup]

One question Lauriebell82:

 

Can we make this thread interesting and respond to the other people instead of attacking my point of view?

[torranceshipman]

I actually think that the girlfriend sounds a bit crazy, and like way too much high maintenance work, but that seems way off from what other poster's are saying. I hear you all when you say that she has a right to not use birth control, and not have sex, but the whole approach of hers seems to be off-its not so much those choices that she is making but the way in which she is generally acting. She seems a whole lot of work (or maybe just young minded?) and I think marriage shouldn't be on the cards for a long while yet. She sounds like she isn't mature enough/doesn't really understand how serious marriage actually is. Just my 0.2c, I could be wrong.

[GooseChaser]

In my opinion it is very silly to cancel the wedding and give up on her if:

 

1) You love her

2) She had been having sex before

3) She would continue having sex after the wedding

 

She's concerned about premarital sex, which I understand can be a problem for some men, but you guys were engaged! You guys would get married, premarital sex would no longer be an issue, and then there would be no problem! You can't wait until after the wedding?

 

Think about it! Do you want to risk losing her? Is she the one you want to spend your life with? If she wants to wait until after the wedding, do you care enough about her to respect and act on her wishes? Do you trust her?

 

It's like an ultimatum you're giving her-- "Do this, or I won't marry you! Wahhh!" It's a power play, and seems a bit childish. Calling off a wedding is a big deal, and it seems like that reaction to call the wedding off was quite a dramatic one.

Edited September 6, 2010 by GooseChaser

[RockinZ28]

In my opinion it is very silly to cancel the wedding and give up on her if:

 

1) You love her

2) She had been having sex before

3) She would continue having sex after the wedding

 

She's concerned about premarital sex, which I understand can be a problem for some men, but you guys were engaged! You guys would get married, premarital sex would no longer be an issue, and then there would be no problem! You can't wait until after the wedding?

 

Think about it! Do you want to risk losing her? Is she the one you want to spend your life with? If she wants to wait until after the wedding, do you care enough about her to respect and act on her wishes? Do you trust her?

 

It's like an ultimatum you're giving her-- "Do this, or I won't marry you! Wahhh!" It's a power play, and seems a bit childish. Calling off a wedding is a big deal, and it seems like that reaction to call the wedding off was quite a dramatic one.

 

You're not really seeing the problem here..shes is giving him an ultimatum as well "you don't get this if we don't get married"..and i wouldn't be in a hurry to legally bind myself to someone with the promise of sex once its done whether i trusted them or not..premarital sex was not an issue, she was doing it before, now strangely shes shifted the other direction..GooseChaser is telling him basically "hey i know there's a lot of question marks and red flags in this scenario, but just get married and hope for the best"..i think its best to follow your gut on this one..

[beforewegrewup]

I can't believe I am still getting attacked for looking out for #1... myself.

[GooseChaser]

I can't believe I am still getting attacked for looking out for #1... myself.

 

If you really feel you're better off without her, that's your call, it's your relationship and potential marriage, after all...

[GooseChaser]

Okay, I read your starting post a little bit closer. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, and I don't want to be mean, but you really need to consider this and understand the consequences each choice would have. It is a serious question-- marry, or not. If you refuse marriage, there is a chance you will lose her. Are you okay with that? Can you see yourselves being in a happy marriage?

 

Your girlfriend is worried about the well-being of her potential child in the case she had an unplanned pregnancy. She wants someone to be there for her and the child, and for it to happen in wedlock. This is a valid concern. She is trying to be safe and responsible, and it's a smart thing to do for her. She is also looking at it from a religious standpoint and being held back by her father. In a way, it is also a test to see if you guys can withstand a short time of abstinence. It's doable! If you guys had chemistry before, you may be able to regain that. It is good that you are working on things with her. Do you trust her?

 

Whatever happens, I hope things work out in a way that both of you are happy in the end, together or apart. If you truly believe there is no hope for you two as a couple, is there any reason to continue things with her?