I called the wedding OFF

[GooseChaser]

If you guys have been and are still long-distance, maybe it would be good to have one person move near the other so that you guys can have more time around each other in close proximity. That would be a good reason to delay the wedding. Maybe that would help things or make the right path clearer.

 

A person shouldn't get married just so they can have sex. You proposed to her for reasons besides sex, I'm sure? Do you want to be her husband, or would you be happier elsewhere??? This is ESSENTIAL to answer for yourself! Do you want this relationship and marriage to work, or not?

[stillafool]

For still a fool:

We had a lot of sex up until last October when she thought she may have been pregnant (the condom broke) but I knew she wouldn't be. In that fear she made a pact that she wouldn't have sex again because she didn't want to get pregnant.

 

For Lauriebell:

No one is saying she doesn't have the right to do whatever she wants with her body. Ultimately if a woman wanted to get an abortion she could do it and there's nothing the man can say or do about it. That is not the argument here on what she can and cannot do with her body. She is scared out of her mind of birth control due to the side effects she hears of in commercials. What the argument is: Do you honestly believe that if you just stop having sex that your partner is not going to feel a ripple effect from it? Yes it is your right to have sex whether you're married or not; but if you start eating meat its hard to go back to vegetables (e.g. having sex a lot and then coming to a halt to none at all)

 

In the bedroom I am very selfless.

 

 

For aerogurl87:

I just wanted to reach a larger audience is all.

 

 

I still don't understand. If you do marry her are the two of you planning to only have sex for pregnancy? Does she want 30 kids? How are you going to have sex after marriage without some form of birth control?

[stillafool]

I can't believe I am still getting attacked for looking out for #1... myself.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't understand your fiance's thinking. If you think you aren't getting any now just wait til you marry.

[GooseChaser]

I can't believe I am still getting attacked for looking out for #1... myself.

 

You have the attitude of "I" here, and in a marriage you need the "we" mentality. Maybe neither of you are ready.

[beforewegrewup]

She's concerned about premarital sex, which I understand can be a problem for some men, but you guys were engaged! You guys would get married, premarital sex would no longer be an issue, and then there would be no problem! You can't wait until after the wedding?

 

Also, "You have the attitude of "I" here, and in a marriage you need the "we" mentality. Maybe neither of you are ready. ".

 

The girlfriend has been receiving all this praise for looking out for herself in this posting, and the minute I do the same for myself I'm deemed selfish or "unready". Married or not, a man can still bolt and walk out on his kids. I'm not that man. Plus, let me make really simple... I do NOT want to marry a mother, I want a wife. If she is a great mom, then cool, but I want my wife first.

 

On a different note, being that it's a long-distance relationship you can understand there isn't a lot of sex except for in the summers when she is not teaching. Her withholding on sex anytime she feels like it is considerate and okay in the woman's manual? Is that what you ladies are saying? If I stab you with a knife slowly or quickly, will you not still feel pain? If we have sex everyday and then "stop" so that it will be "precious" and "special" is blatenly retarded. It doesn't make it special, it makes people bitter and angry. Your vagina is no more a gift than a man's penis so stop treating it as such. Enjoy each other's hospitality or keep it moving.

 

I would be WAAAY understanding if we NEVER had sex at all. I would be WAAAY understanding if we didn't spend the summers having crazy sex. I am WAAAY pissed off because this is something worth pre-nupping and divorcing over if she doesn't "up the booty". And if you ladies are married and not regularly having sex and taking your anger or bitterness out on this post then I feel for you... Sex is good. Sex is great. Sex is not everything, but it can get pretty darn close. If the folks posting on here lost their penis or vagina was mutilated, you'd think sex is pretty "precious" and "special" then.

 

All I'm saying is losen up and get outahere with this feminist movement and up the booty for a change. What's wrong with you ladies????????

 

Geesh.

[Woggle]

Why is he wrong for looking at this potential marriage and deciding it is not for him? It's not like he is cheating and going behind her back or any of that. He simply decided to call of a wedding and he gets roasted for it. Are men allowed to do anything in our own interest?

[aerogurl87]

I skimmed this thread and have read the original post twice (once here and once over in the LDR section). Beforewegrewup let me tell you from a young woman's point of view who wasn't on birth control before, what could be going through her mind.

 

1) "If I get pregnant he's gonna bolt on me and the child." This is a legitimate concern for any woman who is not looking to have a child anytime soon. Have you and her even discussed what would happen if she did wind up pregnant? I mean that may be a discussion you need to have. I know after going through a pregnancy scare with my ex and realizing that he'd want me to have an abortion if I got pregnant, got me to think twice about rolling in the sheets with him.

 

2) "I found God." Most religions discourage premarital sex and if she's becoming religious, then this may be a reason. And once again a legitmate one.

 

3) "I'm gonna trick him into marrying me by using sex as a ploy." This is a very NON-LEGITIMATE reason, but is possible still. Although I doubt it since you were already engaged apparently.

 

4) "I don't want to sex him because he doesn't know how to make me feel special other than when he wants to have sex." Another legitimate reason. You say you care for her and take care of her, which may be all good and dandy. But if you're not taking care of her the way that her needs in particular need to be met, then it will all be in vain. Also if you only do romantic things when you want some type of sexual gratification women catch onto that quick. No one likes to feel like they're being used.

 

5) "When we see each other it's like he's a stranger." You mentioned being in a long distance relationship, so that could be another issue. When you see each other is it like having a homecoming to your best friend or like you have to readjust to one another all over again? Luckily for me and my SO it's like seeing your best friend again and we don't have a real shy/adjusting period but some couples do. And if she sees you being more like a stranger than her boyfriend, then she probably doesn't want to hop into bed with you.

 

Those are the six things that may be going through her head, that I can think of for now. By the way you obviously don't understand the differences in men and women thanks to social conditioning. Men who sleep around are studs, women who do it nilly willy are considered whores. So yes socially, the vagina is more precious than the penis. Hence why guys are always pining for virgins.

[GooseChaser]

People, people! I'm only a random single 21-year-old female posting my thoughts on the internet! You do not need to take my comments so personally! I'm trying to say things that will help you. You can let things I say affect you, or not. All up to you. I am not trying to roast anyone! There are plenty of people here that sympathize with you here too! Please relax.

 

Maybe you two need to talk about this more.

 

The only reason I make this an issue is that the topic starter needs to be sure that he is happy with his decision of calling off the marriage, as it is a big choice to make.

 

I don't think my posts are that feminist. I dunno. o-o

[Lauriebell82]

Why is he wrong for looking at this potential marriage and deciding it is not for him? It's not like he is cheating and going behind her back or any of that. He simply decided to call of a wedding and he gets roasted for it. Are men allowed to do anything in our own interest?

 

"H simply called off the wedding?" Yikes! Men can be so insensitive...

 

I wouldn't want a sexless marriage either, if my fiance was holding out on me I'd be concerned as well. But something is definatley not adding up here. I am beyond confused why a man who is engaged to be married, his fiance is terrified of premarital sex for fear of pregnancy, and so he choses NOT to marry her? I would think MARRYING HER would solve the problem in itself!

 

There is an underlying issue here of trust here, it's not just about the sex. The OP doesn't trust his fiance at all, thinks she is being manipulative and trying to trick him. They should be talking about their trust issues not calling off the wedding. There is a complete lack of communication between the two of them. IMO, the OP is not ready for marriage.

[Lauriebell82]

All I'm saying is losen up and get outahere with this feminist movement and up the booty for a change. What's wrong with you ladies????????

 

Geesh.

 

You have not even answered some of the legitimate questions that we have asked to get further clarification. Every single women who has responded to you has posted that they are confused, as am I. But it seems as if you just want to defend your viewpoint and disagree with anyone who doesn't say "You did the right thing man."

 

If her concern is that she doesn't want to have premartial sex then get married!!!! What is the problem?

[beforewegrewup]

You have not even answered some of the legitimate questions that we have asked to get further clarification. Every single women who has responded to you has posted that they are confused, as am I. But it seems as if you just want to defend your viewpoint and disagree with anyone who doesn't say "You did the right thing man."

 

If her concern is that she doesn't want to have premartial sex then get married!!!! What is the problem?

 

 

What specific questions are we seeking answers to?

 

To set the record straight I will say this: In the book "Anatomy of Female Power" by Chinweizu. The author goes on to say "Men rule the world, but women rule the men who rule the world". I will respect women's power and the design of the civilization.

 

Macho: Men that are ruled by their gonads, bred for nest slavery, and an ego indoctrinated mind to believe that he is the lord and master of the woman who rules him.

 

Musho: Is the breed of diffident men, henpecked version of the macho, who have been bullied, guilt-tripped, ego-bashed and penis-twisted into pram pushing, diaper changing and breast envy.

 

Masculinist: A man who is devoted to male liberty, and who would avoid nest slavery. He doesn't suffer from most of the illusions of the macho, nor drawn into macho ambitions, he views the musho with robust comtempt. He would end the psychological, social and legal conditions for that slavery, and create instead conditions for equitable relations between the complementary sexes.

 

In all of this I say I do respect the power that women have... it may surprise, scare, or shock you when a man understands how manipulative it can get. Just in case this dialogue went over your head there is the next best read that all men should read... "How to Avoid Getting Screwed When Getting Laid" by RK Hendrikc, Esq. This book is what most fathers should have told their son's if they had been there or known better.

 

In reality, ignorance about how some women use the modern day "politically correct" system as a FIERCE WEAPON can get you arrested, land you in jail, slam a felony on your record, cause you to lose everything you have, (including your kids) and cost you tens of thousands of dollars or worse! (taken from the back of the book)

 

Long story short I cannot afford to screw up on these type of decisions. Basically, I will not allow the others to influence me into a potential "politically correct destruction" path where there is uncertainty. Unless there is a pre-nuptial agreement, the system will take me to the cleaners and she can finish me off. We could get married and have a great sex life, but when things SUDDENLY come to a halt then come on. Everytime you have sex (MARRIED OR NOT) there is a possibility of getting pregnant. Married or not CHILD SUPPORT EXISTS. Nor would I ever hope that the situation would lead to that, but it can happen. So you say the woman is at risk? The man pays child support, alimony (which is like child support for adults), and all kind of other stuff.

 

Who really loses the most in the end??? The answer is the kids...and then the man. The woman gains in both scenarios. Are there trust issues? Yeah. Why not. Respecting someone's decision doesn't mean you have to like them. I didn't cheat, didn't break up with her, never abused her, stayed attentive, and all the great things you could think of. I understand a fear of pregnancy, but cutting it out is a bit tough. Do I love her? Of course... Am I being selfish for wanting to get my rocks off as well? No, it's only fair if we both got our rocks off, etc.

[GooseChaser]

Marriage is a partnership. It is about both of you, not just you. You must consider her feelings as well as your own.

 

You need more faith, sir. You seem very afraid about what could go wrong, and how the woman could manipulate you, rather than how happy it could be if it was successful. It's as if you don't see it working out with her. If you don't trust her, just put an end to it.

[quankanne]

whole lotta red flags here, dude:

 

• "I take care of her, but nothing on my end"/"She doesn’t want penetration from my penis because she said 'She has made her peace with God' after a pregnancy scare we had." ... it's about HER needs, not Y'ALLS.

 

• "She kept our relationship a secret in the beginning and ducks and dodges her family because her dad and his side of the family controls and runs her." ... um, she wants MARRIAGE but refuses to acknowledge the relationship because she's afraid of her family? Hello?

 

• "She is beyond obsessed with the IDEA of being married but I do not think she understands what it takes" ... this is prolly the BIGGEST red flag of them all: She wants some ideal but refuses to seriously consider the reality of the relationship.

 

dude, I'd run if I were you. This relationship is not about the both of you building something together that could eventually lead to a long-term, committed relationship, it's about YOU being in the right place at the right time to fulfill HER needs.

[Woggle]

Marriage is a partnership. It is about both of you, not just you. You must consider her feelings as well as your own.

 

You need more faith, sir. You seem very afraid about what could go wrong, and how the woman could manipulate you, rather than how happy it could be if it was successful. It's as if you don't see it working out with her. If you don't trust her, just put an end to it.

 

That is very easy for a woman to say when she doesn't have a 75% percent chance of her spouse pulling the plug on the marriage and haing it blow up in her face. This woman is already withholding sex and we all know this kind of stuff just gets worse after marriage. I just don't understand the flack he is getting for calling a wedding off. Should he marry a woman who already does not want to sleep with him?

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm surprised at all the people (even the women) taking your ex-fiance's side. Personally (and I'm a girl), I think that the issue at hand is not just the sudden lack of sex...but that she seems to be using it as a tool to scare you into marriage. She sounds immature, manipulative, and mentally unstable.

 

And honestly, birth control isn't as scary as she's making it sound. I've been on it for about six years now, I experience no side effects other than lighter periods (hallelujah) and no babies. Have her talk to a doctor. Does she go to a gynecologist regularly? Sexually active women should be going for gyno check ups once yearly. The next time she's in she should have a chat with her doctor about birth control options. The chances of heart attack/stroke/the scary things are extremely small. There are parts of our daily lives that are far more likely to hurt or kill you than a birth control pill, such as getting into a moving vehicle.

 

If she's still uncomfortable with medication or an IUD type option, what about condoms?

 

There are so many options to prevent pregnancy...that I feel that the risk of pregnancy itself cannot be the only issue here. To have a sexual relationship for years and then suddenly find god and become celibate speaks to a deeper personal trauma than just a pregnancy scare (in my opinion).

 

I think you're in the right by calling things off. The relationship just seems strange and dysfunctional, and I think both of you need a little bit more time to mature.

Edited September 8, 2010 by kiss_andmakeup

[Angel1111]

Like many other men, you think that sexually satisfying a woman is what makes her want to sexually satisfy you in return. It doesn't work like that at all!

 

Whether someone sexually satisfies me has very little to do with whether I want to satisfy them. Romance and affection and closeness and caring are the things that make me want to sexually satisfy a man; what he does for me sexually is completely irrelevant.

 

I totally disagree with this. If a guy goes out of his way to be pleasing toward me, I will do the same. If I go out of my way to be pleasing toward him and he doesn't reciprocate at some point, I would eventually back off.

[Angel1111]

I would think that any woman would understand that once she starts a sexual relationship with a guy, turning that off all of a sudden (while remaining in the relationship) just isn't going to fly. This stuff about not taking birth control and all that is just nonsense. I think the real problem here is that as soon as her father found out about the relationship, things changed drastically. The fact that she has never been on her own and has an unnatural relationship with her father are the big problems here - and they're not likely to go away...ever. Not meaning to sound racist or anything but she sounds Latin. They typically create this kind of drama and their fathers are usually way too involved in their lives. Not always, but a lot of the time this is the case. I strongly suggest that you not marry this girl - there are way too many issues here.

[GooseChaser]

Well, I think the big question is, where do you see this going now, beforewegrewup? Are you going to continue working on this relationship and working through the issues with her? Will you try to make it work, even if the marriage is called off at the moment? It's okay to delay the marriage if you feel you two are not ready to go through with it. Just keep in mind that calling it off may have hurt her, and that may be another issue to get through with her. I mean, did she not give up on the relationship after the wedding was cancelled?

 

The reason I think it's a good idea to avoid overusing birth control pills is because it messes with a woman's hormonal system-- complicated stuff-- and if you use too much of certain ones, it can lead to infertility. I don't know enough about birth control at this time to know which has that risk, but I hope to learn more about that in the future.

[Hop_prophet]

I too am surprised at the lack of empathy for the OP. Marriage should not be rushed into and if he does feel 100% comfortable with it then it is not the best choice. There are serious red flags here and I would feel really uncomfortable too. It is not like she imposed this condition on him from the beginning of the relationship. She gave him good sex like most women would. And lets face it, no premarital sex is a serious stumbling block to anyone. I would NEVER get into that type of relationship. That is just not going to fly with the vast majority of men.

 

What she did was actually pretty cruel in my opinion. She lured him in with sex and then shut it off because of a condom scare (and not because of religious reasons because she was perfectly willing before). Yeah, I get that pregnancy is a big deal and she has the right to protect herself, but then you better believe he has the right not to put up with it when he is used to something completely different.

 

I think you are making a good decision. She sounds like she has lots of issues which you have supported her with. For her to pull this on you is unfair and damaging to the relationship.

[kiss_andmakeup]

The reason I think it's a good idea to avoid overusing birth control pills is because it messes with a woman's hormonal system-- complicated stuff-- and if you use too much of certain ones, it can lead to infertility. I don't know enough about birth control at this time to know which has that risk, but I hope to learn more about that in the future.

 

This is a myth.

 

http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/news/20020827/birth-control-pills-may-aid-fertility

 

http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/birthcontrol/a/thepilljstthefa_2.htm

 

There is no clinical evidence to support birth control pills causing infertility.

 

Just because a woman has taken birth control in the past, and then has trouble getting pregnant, doesn't mean the medication is to blame.

 

That's like someone getting lung cancer and blaming it on pollution rather than the fact that they smoke a pack a day.

 

We ingest processed foods, chemicals, and all sorts of disgusting things on a daily basis, and those things are a helluva lot more likely to mess with our body chemistry than a birth control pill.

[Angel1111]

I too am surprised at the lack of empathy for the OP. Marriage should not be rushed into and if he does feel 100% comfortable with it then it is not the best choice. There are serious red flags here and I would feel really uncomfortable too. It is not like she imposed this condition on him from the beginning of the relationship. She gave him good sex like most women would. And lets face it, no premarital sex is a serious stumbling block to anyone. I would NEVER get into that type of relationship. That is just not going to fly with the vast majority of men.

 

What she did was actually pretty cruel in my opinion. She lured him in with sex and then shut it off because of a condom scare (and not because of religious reasons because she was perfectly willing before). Yeah, I get that pregnancy is a big deal and she has the right to protect herself, but then you better believe he has the right not to put up with it when he is used to something completely different.

 

I think you are making a good decision. She sounds like she has lots of issues which you have supported her with. For her to pull this on you is unfair and damaging to the relationship.

 

I agree with all of this.

[GooseChaser]

OP is getting empathy, and he can make his own decisions, but he posted asking for opinions and supposedly wants help thinking this through, and giving opinions is what we are doing. If he really doesn't want to marry, he doesn't have to. He just HAS to understand the gravity of this decision and its possible implications!

 

This is a myth.

 

http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/news/20020827/birth-control-pills-may-aid-fertility

 

http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/birthcontrol/a/thepilljstthefa_2.htm

 

There is no clinical evidence to support birth control pills causing infertility.

 

Just because a woman has taken birth control in the past, and then has trouble getting pregnant, doesn't mean the medication is to blame.

 

That's like someone getting lung cancer and blaming it on pollution rather than the fact that they smoke a pack a day.

 

We ingest processed foods, chemicals, and all sorts of disgusting things on a daily basis, and those things are a helluva lot more likely to mess with our body chemistry than a birth control pill.

 

Oh, that's interesting, thanks. I'll be sure to put more research into that, but I'm glad they have some level of safety. Hearing that makes me feel a little better about them. Overall I try to live in a healthy way.

[sillysillygoose]

I am a woman and I totally understand what the OP is trying to say. Some woman do manipulate men into marrying them, and if they were having sex before then comes the pregnancy scare- that is not related what-so-ever to pleasing him in return, although it may not be penetration. if i read correctly, yall do other stuff.. just not penetration? and she still doesnt return the favor? if that is correct, then SHE is selfish. i do see why you would call off the wedding because if she is like that now, she could very well be manipulating you. she could have decided she would use this as leverage... i mean whos to say it will really change. it just doesnt make much sense as to how someone would be so sexually active then just stop. there are many methods of protection and like i said IMO she is just being selfish and close minded, not thinking about how this effects you. it IS supposed to be a two-way street. people grow together when BOTH people are putting effort and i can see how that could be tiring. if she was saving herself for marriage, and they never had sex then that is totally different. but to have crazy wild sex and just cut him off is a huge red flag.

[sillysillygoose]

I too am surprised at the lack of empathy for the OP. Marriage should not be rushed into and if he does feel 100% comfortable with it then it is not the best choice. There are serious red flags here and I would feel really uncomfortable too. It is not like she imposed this condition on him from the beginning of the relationship. She gave him good sex like most women would. And lets face it, no premarital sex is a serious stumbling block to anyone. I would NEVER get into that type of relationship. That is just not going to fly with the vast majority of men.

 

What she did was actually pretty cruel in my opinion. She lured him in with sex and then shut it off because of a condom scare (and not because of religious reasons because she was perfectly willing before). Yeah, I get that pregnancy is a big deal and she has the right to protect herself, but then you better believe he has the right not to put up with it when he is used to something completely different.

 

I think you are making a good decision. She sounds like she has lots of issues which you have supported her with. For her to pull this on you is unfair and damaging to the relationship.

 

 

i completely agree with this post.

[beforewegrewup]

Well, I think the big question is, where do you see this going now, beforewegrewup? Are you going to continue working on this relationship and working through the issues with her? Will you try to make it work, even if the marriage is called off at the moment? It's okay to delay the marriage if you feel you two are not ready to go through with it. Just keep in mind that calling it off may have hurt her, and that may be another issue to get through with her. I mean, did she not give up on the relationship after the wedding was cancelled?

 

The reason I think it's a good idea to avoid overusing birth control pills is because it messes with a woman's hormonal system-- complicated stuff-- and if you use too much of certain ones, it can lead to infertility. I don't know enough about birth control at this time to know which has that risk, but I hope to learn more about that in the future.

 

I haven't given up on the relationship completely. My nose was once wide open, but now it is my eyes. The momentum has slowed dramatically and every decision is calculated. I am not 100% trusting. The situation is uncomfortable and I'm thinking with my heart by staying in the relationship instead of my MBA business brain and walking (basing my decisions on facts instead of emotions) but I'm in pergatory trapped in between those two worlds. As goofy as it may sound...I know. There is no jumping into marriage, I'm placing my toes and then my feet into the idea of it. Getting married in a couple of months would have been the worst decision of my life because I think it is wrong going into a marriage with this mindset and when I try to talk to her about it she just gets angry and resentful...so I still talk about it because it is an issue, even if she gets upset.

 

I am a teamplayer though. There is a male contraceptive that is in-progress to perfection. Once FDA or whomever approves it in the States I will definitely get the procedure. It's much safer than birth-control for women and I think possibly more effective. I also like the fact that I can control when we will have a little bambino.

 

Check the links guys:

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reversible_inhibition_of_sperm_under_guidance (I'm really liking this one)

 

2. http://www.grist.org/article/sperminator/ (same as number two)