Time Wasters

[bohogirl]

A couple of the threads that I have followed on LS have really triggered me badly. Both revolve around the cruelty of having your time wasted by someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

 

When my "relationship" ended I was so angry that I was deceived by MM. Yes, deceived. I was continually lied to in order for him to have me in his life. I had such contempt for him and to be honest I still do. His wife has taken him back and things are back to normal - seriously.

 

I realise that his lying, cheating, game playing wasn't personal. He lied to his wife, family, work even himself to get what he wanted. It's just his make up and as he is in his 50's now so i doubt he will ever change.

 

Funnily enough the age thing may be the reason why he may actually try to curb his desires or find a mark to groom for his old age. The prospect of being old and alone when you are used to having two women on the go must be pretty scary.

[eleanorrigby]

I don't blame you for being pissed. It's infuriating, especially to a woman I think, to have a man waste your "datable" years. As much as I hate it, for us women, our options for partners get less and less the older we get. Not so much for men.

[jj33]

I don't blame you for being pissed. It's infuriating, especially to a woman I think, to have a man waste your "datable" years. As much as I hate it, for us women, our options for partners get less and less the older we get. Not so much for men.

 

Doesnt matter how old you are. Im older and I still hate it, my options are fewer and I dont want to be messed around when I could be focusing my energies elsewhere.

 

Eleanor I know you dont mean it this way but the age issue feeds into the idea (which other MMs have suggested to me) that an older woman shouldnt be so upset with th idea of an MM because after all what options does she have....

[lilbunny]

Doesnt matter how old you are. Im older and I still hate it, my options are fewer and I dont want to be messed around when I could be focusing my energies elsewhere.

 

Eleanor I know you dont mean it this way but the age issue feeds into the idea (which other MMs have suggested to me) that an older woman shouldnt be so upset with th idea of an MM because after all what options does she have....

 

Oh lord my future looks bleak!

 

I wonder though, divorce rates as they are, don't a good number of them come back onto the market at some point anyway? Saying that in my late teens I often attracted men in their twenties, then in my early twenties it was men in their thirties, now the only interest seems to come from men in their forties. I'm not unattractive, I have a good education and good job, on paper I shouldn't be hard up for a date. Is it just me?

 

OP- I don't think it is unique to MM. I was in an R from the age of 18 to 23. I suspect, with hindsight that for a good 18 months to two years he knew fine well that he wasn't going to take things any further i.e. get married or even buy a house together. He had excuses for these things, but ultimately he wasted my time. It was me who finally pushed him for answers and it was me who left in the end.

[bohogirl]

It is never to late to find that spark with someone special! I am VERY happy now but still regret the time I wasted with someone not worthy of me. LS is the only place I can vent or silently cheer on those who feel the same as I do but are far more articulate.

 

 

A MM promising to work towards a future with his OW is in a different category to a single guy not ready to settle down. The former, has proven he can commit (when it suits him). The latter hasn't. JMO. Granted both can easily waste your time if relationship expectations are not managed from the outset.

[You Go Girl]

It is never to late to find that spark with someone special! I am VERY happy now but still regret the time I wasted with someone not worthy of me. LS is the only place I can vent or silently cheer on those who feel the same as I do but are far more articulate.

 

 

A MM promising to work towards a future with his OW is in a different category to a single guy not ready to settle down. The former, has proven he can commit (when it suits him). The latter hasn't. JMO. Granted both can easily waste your time if relationship expectations are not managed from the outset.

 

If you keep thinking like the underlined, you are doomed.

No MM screwing around has proven any committment, but they have certainly proven deception and betrayal.

If you don't want the story repeated, I suggest you rethink that line.

[bohogirl]

I don't take your point.

You can commit to remaining in a marriage without sexual fidelity. That is what cheaters do until they decide to leave or are forced to do so.

[stillafool]

A couple of the threads that I have followed on LS have really triggered me badly. Both revolve around the cruelty of having your time wasted by someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

 

When my "relationship" ended I was so angry that I was deceived by MM. Yes, deceived. I was continually lied to in order for him to have me in his life. I had such contempt for him and to be honest I still do. His wife has taken him back and things are back to normal - seriously.

 

I realise that his lying, cheating, game playing wasn't personal. He lied to his wife, family, work even himself to get what he wanted. It's just his make up and as he is in his 50's now so i doubt he will ever change.

 

Funnily enough the age thing may be the reason why he may actually try to curb his desires or find a mark to groom for his old age. The prospect of being old and alone when you are used to having two women on the go must be pretty scary.

 

How did he deceive you? Did he tell you he was married when you started dating or did you find out later?

[Ellin]

That's what I find really appaling. Be it a MM who strings OW along never intending to leave his W or a single man who's with a woman just for the time being, while she longs for marriage and family.

 

Of course genders can be reversed, but somehow women seem to be more under pressure of time (or do I just think that because I'm one of them?).

 

Wasting someone's life like this is much worse than stealing material things, as time cannot be replaced.

 

I always wondered how aware such a person is of what they're doing. The more aware the worse, of course.

[eleanorrigby]

Doesnt matter how old you are. Im older and I still hate it, my options are fewer and I dont want to be messed around when I could be focusing my energies elsewhere.

 

Eleanor I know you dont mean it this way but the age issue feeds into the idea (which other MMs have suggested to me) that an older woman shouldnt be so upset with th idea of an MM because after all what options does she have....

 

You are right, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. And any MM that said that to you is a selfish sh*t (if we couldn't have already figured that out lol)

 

Even if a woman is older and has fewer options she still should not have some selfish ass wasting her time when he has no intentions of making the relationship exclusive, whether she is OW or BW.

[jj33]

Amen to that. It feeds into every bad stereotype our society has to offer. And the cheek! Suggesting someone is "on the shelf" so they should be pleased to be offered crumbs

[Silly_Girl]

I don't take your point.

You can commit to remaining in a marriage without sexual fidelity. That is what cheaters do until they decide to leave or are forced to do so.

 

BG - are you referring to something akin to 'house-trained' when you say 'commitment'? Because I had an interesting chat today with a girlfriend and we talked about the possibility that MM may seem more attractive (than they otherwise might) to some types of gal, because they're house-trained and don't need 'breaking in'.

 

That's a different kettle of fish from proving they do 'commitment', because the cheating sort of belies the claim to being committed.

[2sunny]

soooo, how much time was wasted?

[BB07]

I certainly feel like I've been cheated out of the last 2 years of my life, my hopes and dreams and plans for the future with this man who I though loved me. Some days the anger wants to take me down to where I don't want to go, and then there are days when the sadness wants to swallow me whole. Then there are some days when I can see the light, but it's a roller coaster and I hate it, but I feel like I have to ride it out.

 

And I'm very resentful that I didn't knowingly sign up for being an OW. He made me one without my knowledge or consent. And........I'm no spring chick, so I have less options than someone younger and that pisses me off to, because I feel he stole so much from me with all the lies.

[lilbunny]

A MM promising to work towards a future with his OW is in a different category to a single guy not ready to settle down. The former, has proven he can commit (when it suits him). The latter hasn't. JMO. Granted both can easily waste your time if relationship expectations are not managed from the outset.

 

Single guys can do the bs routine too, I don't think it was an issue with being unable to commit, we lived together, had joint bank accounts etc, he just wanted out of the R and it was easier to stay and carry on making promises about the future he wasn't going to keep. I think for a while he thought he meant those things, but I think they turned into lies to save the upheaval. Maybe he is a WS in the making and I had a lucky escape!

 

Whatever the reason he wasted my time. I can't get it back. I don't think it matters who does it or why, the result is the same in the end.

[YellowShark]

I've been cheated out of the last 2 years of my life...And I'm very resentful that I didn't knowingly sign up for being an OW. He made me one without my knowledge or consent.

 

I must ask because I seek enlightenment.

 

How can you date someone for two years and not know he's married? Did you never go over to his place? Didn't he ever get a call even once from his wife or kids while you two were together in two years? Wasn't their a tan line where his wedding ring would be? Didn't his tone of voice get guarded or he wouldn't make eye contact when certain topics came up like family, children, vacations, where he lives, etc? Did he never give you his home phone number? Didn't he ever give strange reasons for not wanting to go to certain places? What about giving him hickeys? Etc...etc...

 

Inquiring minds want to know!

Edited September 6, 2010 by YellowShark
grammar

[BB07]

I must ask because I seek enlightenment.

 

How can you date someone for two years and not know he's married? Did you never go over to his place? Didn't he ever get a call even once from his wife or kids while you two were together in two years? Wasn't their a tan line where his wedding ring would be? Didn't his tone of voice get guarded or he wouldn't make eye contact when certain topics came up like family, children, vacations, where he lives, etc? Did he never give you his home phone number? Didn't he ever give strange reasons for not wanting to go to certain places? What about giving him hickeys? Etc...etc...

 

Inquiring minds want to know!

 

Yeah I know, it sounds like I'm a really dumb twit uh. Actually I'm not. He was a very good liar, he had all the bases covered or most of them and yes looking back there were a few signs, but I loved him, believed him, had no reason to think he would ever lie to those depths and I didn't think it was possible for him to deceive me or anyone else like that. He had a sterling reputation by all who (thought) they knew him.

 

He was living 2 1/2 hours away from me, during the week due to his job and yes I was there plenty of times and there were no signs of a woman there because she wasn't. She lived in their house, her thinking that he was just living at the apt so he wouldn't have to drive such a distance during the week. Due to my family circumstances, (caring for my disabled daughter), I have very limited free time, so we would see each other once or twice during the week and he had the weekends covered by the lie about his 2nd job on the weekends. So he had a couple of nights with me during the week and all weekend with his wife.

 

He went on and on with many stories about how difficult the separation was for him with how the stbx was pushing for more money, blah, blah, blah. So of course he played the poor me card to the hilt and yes I believed him. He had no home phone, told me he had no cell phone, but he did as I found out later. He kept the cell phone hidden from me that his wife would call him on, but they also had prearranged times that he would call her, morning and night and he had that covered with a lie. He would have to go to work to turn off and on a certain machine was the excuse and why would I question that.

I had no reason to think he was living a double life. Looking back there are a few things that flew up flags, but no big waving in my face flags. If it had been someone other than him, this person who had the sterling reputation, I would have been more cautious but not him or so I thought. There are no children.

 

You can read the whole story here

[GreenEyedLady]

A couple of the threads that I have followed on LS have really triggered me badly. Both revolve around the cruelty of having your time wasted by someone who does not have your best interests at heart.

 

When my "relationship" ended I was so angry that I was deceived by MM. Yes, deceived. I was continually lied to in order for him to have me in his life. I had such contempt for him and to be honest I still do. His wife has taken him back and things are back to normal - seriously.

 

I realise that his lying, cheating, game playing wasn't personal. He lied to his wife, family, work even himself to get what he wanted. It's just his make up and as he is in his 50's now so i doubt he will ever change.

 

Funnily enough the age thing may be the reason why he may actually try to curb his desires or find a mark to groom for his old age. The prospect of being old and alone when you are used to having two women on the go must be pretty scary.

 

I understand where you are coming from. And I think some of it comes from anger at yourself. YOU "wasted" your own time.

 

Now I will clarify with this.

 

I personally don't think that any R is a "waste" of time. There is a reason a particular person is in our life. It is up to us to determine the reason and learn what we need to learn from the experience.

 

Stop "wasting" any more time on him and what he thinks, feels or is doing. Focus on you. Focus on getting to a good place where you can love like you've never been hurt. You loved him for a reason. You were patient for a reason. It didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that something good can't come from it.

 

GEL

[YellowShark]

Yeah I know, it sounds like I'm a really dumb twit uh.

 

Not really. I was wondering how he could have fooled you for two years without one screwup.

 

He had a sterling reputation by all who (thought) they knew him.

 

Sounds like a serial killers neighbor... "he was such a nice quite man..."

 

He had no home phone, told me he had no cell phone, but he did as I found out later.

 

I would have questioned that immediately. Who in the 21st century doesn't own a cell or home phone? HA! Did people reach him via smoke signals?

 

Thanks for the enlightenment.. I was curious how he lead a double life BB07.

[BB07]

Not really. I was wondering how he could have fooled you for two years without one screwup.

 

 

 

Sounds like a serial killers neighbor... "he was such a nice quite man..."

 

 

 

I would have questioned that immediately. Who in the 21st century doesn't own a cell or home phone? HA! Did people reach him via smoke signals?

 

Yeah you are right about the no cell phone thing, that was the biggest clue that I should have heeded. He called me from work, and kept telling me soon on getting a phone, and he couldn't get one till the separation agreement was final, blah, blah, blah. He did eventually get one, after the real separation.

The rest of everything else was very believable.

Thanks for the enlightenment.. I was curious how he lead a double life BB07.

 

It's embarrassing to be conned like that......I admit it but this was a man who I thought I knew for years. If I ran into someone on the street that knows him and used to work with him, and I told them this story they would NOT believe me. They would say.......not (insert his name here), anyone but him.

[bohogirl]

I understand where you are coming from. And I think some of it comes from anger at yourself. YOU "wasted" your own time.

 

Now I will clarify with this.

 

I personally don't think that any R is a "waste" of time. There is a reason a particular person is in our life. It is up to us to determine the reason and learn what we need to learn from the experience.

 

Stop "wasting" any more time on him and what he thinks, feels or is doing. Focus on you. Focus on getting to a good place where you can love like you've never been hurt. You loved him for a reason. You were patient for a reason. It didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that something good can't come from it.

 

GEL

 

 

I take your point.

[bohogirl]

BG - are you referring to something akin to 'house-trained' when you say 'commitment'? Because I had an interesting chat today with a girlfriend and we talked about the possibility that MM may seem more attractive (than they otherwise might) to some types of gal, because they're house-trained and don't need 'breaking in'.

 

That's a different kettle of fish from proving they do 'commitment', because the cheating sort of belies the claim to being committed.

 

No I mean commitment in the sense that MM chooses to remain married. MM cannot be "house-trained" if they are frolicking with OW- IMO.

Edited September 7, 2010 by bohogirl
grammar

[Silly_Girl]

No I mean commitment in the sense that MM chooses to remain married. MM cannot be "house-trained" if they are frolicking with OW- IMO.

 

Interesting. I see those terms entirely the other way around. Commitment to a marriage - to me - means zero cheating. Whereas being house-trained means someone who does the routines and is used to sharing their life with someone.

[Ellin]

I understand where you are coming from. And I think some of it comes from anger at yourself. YOU "wasted" your own time.

 

Now I will clarify with this.

 

I personally don't think that any R is a "waste" of time. There is a reason a particular person is in our life. It is up to us to determine the reason and learn what we need to learn from the experience.

 

Stop "wasting" any more time on him and what he thinks, feels or is doing. Focus on you. Focus on getting to a good place where you can love like you've never been hurt. You loved him for a reason. You were patient for a reason. It didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that something good can't come from it.

 

GEL

That's a lovely post and much food for thought.

 

I entirely agree with everything above, but sometimes the time really is wasted for more practical reasons.

 

Imagine a girl who - like most people - wants children and preferably marriage with their potential father, and she feels the pressure of time because due to her age she hears loud ticking of her biological clock, so she wants to try for a baby as soon as possible.

 

She meets a nice man and falls in love, they date for some time and get closer, then she tells him what she wants from a R and he understands. He says he wants the same but they need to do x, y and z first. It makes sense so she waits.

 

Months go by (and time can be passing very quickly in some situations) and then she brings it up again, because she feels that either everything has been sorted out and there's no need to wait any more or she feels that things are moving a bit slow. She is re-assured once again that everything will happen soon the way she wants it, maybe next month. The next month some other minor problem occurs and it's next month again.

 

She's getting more and more anxious and when a bit more time passes and things come to a head, it turns out her man is not completely sure that he's "ready" to become a father. He says maybe some time later. Putting all the pieces together she comes to a conclusion he was never sure, even though he claimed otherwise.

 

Now she can either wait longer and hope that he will commit himself fully or break up and hope that she will find a nice new man soon enough (although she has to be rather lucky for that to happen).

 

The time she spent with this man has been wasted in terms of what she wanted from the R and from life, and since her chances of conceiving decreased in the meantime, it might have ruined her chances of it ever happening in any other R.

 

Perhaps a little extreme example but things like that happen all the time. The man in this story kept her waiting with promises he wasn't sure he was going to keep and didn't think about how devastating it could be for her.

[bohogirl]

A woman willing to enter into a relationship with a MM is also in a different category, don't you think? We know we're taking a bigger risk when we go in that direction. Even when we deny it and call it fate, destiny or whatever, we know it. Unless they flat out lied about being married, I don't think we can hold them responsible for wasting our time. We chose to be there.

 

 

Speak for yourself - not me or the ambiguous "we".