Time Wasters

[jwi71]

Yellow I was in a situation like Boho Girls.

 

As I understand it, they stay for social status, to avoid a messy and public divorce that may make the papers and the local equivalent of People magazine and of course so you dont have to unravel finances decide who gets which house (why bother when you can stay at separate residences a good deal of the time). Theres relatively little alone time for the 2 spouses as they arent in the same place much of the week and when they are there is lots of socializing to keep them from having to actually spend time together (at least that was how it was in my case).

 

And all their friends do it too so its not seen as anything odd. Its simply "what one does". Its not really talked about its just how it is. And its a really lonely way to live.

 

And the REAL loser ends up being the OW.

[bohogirl]

Yes, he lied and manipulated..But you more than likely knew from day one he was married. He still went home everynight to be with his family. A man who says one thing and does the opposite is a man NOT to be trusted.

 

Don't put ALL the blame on him. You're a grown woman and should be able to own your part in choosing to be in an affair. You chose to believe him. He just took advantage of the fact that you fully trusted him. Over and over again. It takes two to be in an affair, so yeah, it's OK to be pissed off and hurt, but making it seem like he totally fooled you, pulled the wool over your eyes isn't fair since you knowingly got involved with a MM.

 

Do you tell the BS's this as well?

[bohogirl]

And the REAL loser ends up being the OW.

 

Not when she has a successful adonis sizing her up for his trophy wife! The BS simply has a cheater but he is ALL hers until he's not.

[bohogirl]

Yellow I was in a situation like Boho Girls.

 

As I understand it, they stay for social status, to avoid a messy and public divorce that may make the papers and the local equivalent of People magazine and of course so you dont have to unravel finances decide who gets which house (why bother when you can stay at separate residences a good deal of the time). Theres relatively little alone time for the 2 spouses as they arent in the same place much of the week and when they are there is lots of socializing to keep them from having to actually spend time together (at least that was how it was in my case).

 

And all their friends do it too so its not seen as anything odd. Its simply "what one does". Its not really talked about its just how it is. And its a really lonely way to live.

 

Thank you. I remember your non judgmental tone when I first arrived here. I know you get it.

[jj33]

 

I realise that his lying, cheating, game playing wasn't personal. He lied to his wife, family, work even himself to get what he wanted. It's just his make up and as he is in his 50's now so i doubt he will ever change.

 

Funnily enough the age thing may be the reason why he may actually try to curb his desires or find a mark to groom for his old age. The prospect of being old and alone when you are used to having two women on the go must be pretty scary.

 

Boho I have wondered something similar about the person I was seeing.

I dont think he will ever leave the M but I wonder if he might not find someone else eventually.

 

Hes a bit older than that and I wonder will he never do it again because it became so complicated or will he hope for one last go because he is getting older and he is used to having someone else and his marriage is lonely.

 

I used to know a couple who were in that position and eventually the H got sick (in his 80s). The W was suddenly looking after him. I think she had to give up her bf because caring for her H kept her busy 24/7 even with nurses to assist.

[jwi71]

Not when she has a successful adonis sizing her up for his trophy wife! The BS simply has a cheater but he is ALL hers until he's not.

 

I was referring to the OW believing, perhaps led on, that the MM would leave.

And he doesn't - leaving the OW in a world of misery. Just a clarification.

 

To reply to your quote above...I wouldn't want to be anyone's trophy anything for they tend to suffer the same fate as the previous wife. Yes, the BS has a cheater...which is exactly what the OW has - minus a ring, house, children, social acceptance and etc.

 

Not a good place to be for the OW (usually...the exceptions are just that...exceptions).

[bohogirl]

Boho I have wondered something similar about the person I was seeing.

I dont think he will ever leave the M but I wonder if he might not find someone else eventually.

 

Hes a bit older than that and I wonder will he never do it again because it became so complicated or will he hope for one last go because he is getting older and he is used to having someone else and his marriage is lonely.

 

I used to know a couple who were in that position and eventually the H got sick (in his 80s). The W was suddenly looking after him. I think she had to give up her bf because caring for her H kept her busy 24/7 even with nurses to assist.

 

 

It must be very lonely to return to the BS that MM has shut out for so long - this is it until he dies or she has enough.

 

When you factor in the distrust and fear that comes in the aftermath of a DD - how is MM going to allow himself to become vulnerable to BS? So he will need an escape. The cycle begins again - maybe he will choose alcohol this time.

 

However, the stakes are raised when MM/BS is nearing retirement age. They either find someone to be their last love or make do. Once again how does he make that choice? How will he know if it will work out. It is easier just to settle.

[YellowShark]

YS, the fact you'd say that leads me to think you've not read much of this particular board :laugh:

 

Oh god no. When my EX cheated with a good friend - (MM with the pregnant wife) - I read everything I could for weeks to try to process it. Especially the OM/OW section. I felt this is where I could possibly find some answers how she and he could do what they did.

 

I'm not laughing in a cruel way but the reasons people maintain these situations seem complex and infinite. And to me, really sad

 

I'd say why they "maintain these situations" is complex and infinite. I am always amazed at the myriad of rationalizations invented to defend infidelity. Ultimately it seems to be generally selfishness - (on the part of the MP) - disguised as something else.

 

But I am not here to judge people, only to seek wisdom.

[bohogirl]

I was referring to the OW believing, perhaps led on, that the MM would leave.

And he doesn't - leaving the OW in a world of misery. Just a clarification.

 

To reply to your quote above...I wouldn't want to be anyone's trophy anything for they tend to suffer the same fate as the previous wife. Yes, the BS has a cheater...which is exactly what the OW has - minus a ring, house, children, social acceptance and etc.

 

Not a good place to be for the OW (usually...the exceptions are just that...exceptions).

 

So was I. I was that OW earlier this year.

Now, I am treated like a goddess by someone who makes me go weak at the knees. Its easy to knock a situation that you will never find yourself in.

[Confused4Now]

Well, Yellow Shark's post illustrates the typical viewpoint of a bitter BS.

 

I wonder why he doesn't move to Infidelity forum, that could perhaps be more helpful..

I have to agree with this statement. You can always detect or sense of what poster is coming from.

[jwi71]

Now, I am treated like a goddess by someone who makes me go weak at the knees.

 

Believe it or not...that's EXACTLY where I want you to be.

 

Its easy to knock a situation that you will never find yourself in.

 

I have been in that situation (I was the BS (BH)). Hell on Earth I wish upon no one.

[bohogirl]

I am glad we've reached common ground.

[jj33]

OMG you are psychic! It starts at the station before the noon train home for the weekend. Even his relatives have commented on increased drinking. I do worry for him. I wish him well and hate to think hes using that as his substitute. All to save face. It astounds me.

[YellowShark]

I have been in that situation (I was the BS (BH)). Hell on Earth I wish upon no one.

 

It is a hell on earth that I would also not wish upon anyone. Yet some take great pride in being the OW/OM. It's something I am seeking to understand.

[bohogirl]

OMG you are psychic! It starts at the station before the noon train home for the weekend. Even his relatives have commented on increased drinking. I do worry for him. I wish him well and hate to think hes using that as his substitute. All to save face. It astounds me.

 

Not psychic, I just know my EX. He will need a crutch to deal with his reality.

 

Can you imagine the resentment that MM will feel in time when he realises that he made his own prison.

[jj33]

He knows he has. When he raised things in the past (its been over some years) i said well this is what you wanted. Your choice. He said I know.

 

He couldnt bring himself to leave and so????

 

I hope for his sake he doesnt look back and regret it in years to come but the drinking tells me he is working hard to keep himself from feeling anything. It started when I went as full into NC as I could given our professional ties.

 

He used to be really fit, hes not terribly unfit but he now shows the signs of someone who drinks more than an aging athlete would.

 

Im glad you have found new love. I bet you will make a great trophy wife and more. He just better be prepared for the more;)

[Silly_Girl]

It is a hell on earth that I would also not wish upon anyone. Yet some take great pride in being the OW/OM. It's something I am seeking to understand.

 

I can think of one, maybe two, who takes pride in being an OW. the others have accepted their situation and decided it is better for them not to walk away. That's not 'pride' to me. Few actually look to turning the man they love away when he turns up with on their doorstep with a black bag of washing and no wedding ring.

[stillafool]

Do you tell the BS's this as well?

 

Why would she tell the BS whose husband asked her to marry, married her, gave her his name, money, kids and home that she had the wool pulled over her eyes? The BS went into her marriage the right way whereas the OW most of the time knows she is doing wrong but does it anyway. When the WS does not leave his wife and family for the OW she feels that she has had the wool pulled over her eyes and was fooled. What does she expect?

[bohogirl]

He knows he has. When he raised things in the past (its been over some years) i said well this is what you wanted. Your choice. He said I know.

 

He couldnt bring himself to leave and so????

 

I hope for his sake he doesnt look back and regret it in years to come but the drinking tells me he is working hard to keep himself from feeling anything. It started when I went as full into NC as I could given our professional ties.

 

He used to be really fit, hes not terribly unfit but he now shows the signs of someone who drinks more than an aging athlete would.

 

Im glad you have found new love. I bet you will make a great trophy wife and more. He just better be prepared for the more;)

 

Thank you for the good wishes. I like our normal relationship. There are no rollercoaster rides just easy living. Maybe I had to be with MM to appreciate my current beau.

 

It is hard when you work in the same field. I could still rely on MM's support until now. I cannot even speak to him. The connection has gone. NC feels right.

 

The last time I saw him he looked 10 years older. Really shocking to see. Maybe my rose colooured glasses came off and he always looked that way.

 

You are the missed opportunity. The road not taken. Don't underestimate how that will play in his mind. Just as he crosses your mind with fondness (at times), you will cross his.

Edited September 8, 2010 by bohogirl

[jj33]

Your situation sounds about identical to mine (but for the fact that you are soon to be married)

 

Exactly looks 10 years older, cant stand to see him, etc etc

 

I think its the wear and tear of the A.

 

Its one thing to have a cinq a sept, or even somone you see M-F as and when you feel like it when W is in the country. Its another to fall in love and have a 2nd wife during the week. The falling in love bit takes a toll on them. Its just so not done.

[pureinheart]

Hey Pure,

 

I hear what you are saying. But it's when I slow down and have some time to myself that I have these thoughts.

 

When I am busy MM doesn't even cross my mind. I am on my own this week because my SO is working abroad and it is hard.

 

Thank you.

 

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))), I hope your SO gets home soon...that is real hard being separated like that:(

[bohogirl]

Your situation sounds about identical to mine (but for the fact that you are soon to be married)

 

Exactly looks 10 years older, cant stand to see him, etc etc

 

I think its the wear and tear of the A.

 

Its one thing to have a cinq a sept, or even somone you see M-F as and when you feel like it when W is in the country. Its another to fall in love and have a 2nd wife during the week. The falling in love bit takes a toll on them. Its just so not done.

 

 

He wants a commitment but I like how things are. I don't see marriage as a guarantee that people will stay together for ever. I like the fact that we choose to be together rather than bound legally.

 

I thought of Dorian Gray. Maybe the weight of all the deceit is taking its toll. There is nowhere to hide now, it is all in the open.

[bohogirl]

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))), I hope your SO gets home soon...that is real hard being separated like that:(

 

You are so kind. I miss him so much which means that my heart is open. I never thought that would happen so soon.