SG Update

[Silly_Girl]

So... I was in a much better place emotionally, as far as MM was concerned (despite him going awol and not keeping in contact when I felt he could have done). I could see a fork in the road. One way led to a life with MM, who I love very much, and was full of happy and fulfilling times. The other way led to a life without MM, and was full of happy and fulfilling times. Those kind souls who've held my hand thus far know that I was (embarrassingly) of the 'I just don't know how the hell to cope without him' camp not so long ago, but that I had moved on a lot from there.

 

My life away from MM has been a bit of a roller coaster lately, so that, combined with my desire to be more in control of my feelings and less reactive, led to me not really getting in too much of a state when he went (mostly) quiet and I assumed it was like last time... He'd not felt strong enough to tell his wife about us and couldn't face telling me so. I was pretty relaxed about the situation. If we were over I'd cry and mourn and feel resentful etc, but it would pass with time. And if not, great.

 

I had also decided to tell his wife, myself, of our relationship. It was the biggest issue I had with the situation - the lying. In May he'd said he was moving out, and didn't, but in a misguided attempt to 'protect' her (ouch!) he denied there was anyone else. I had been thinking for a while of how wrong that is.

 

BHMM's thread led to me deciding that, for many reasons, if we were moving on together, MM and I, and he refused to tell his wife, I would tell her myself (and risk MM ending our relationship). And if we weren't moving on together and he was going to stay put, I would tell her anyway. I felt it gave her the best chance of understanding recent events and being able to make her own choices instead of a cheater 'playing God' with her life.

 

I haven't told her. My MM has finally found the courage to tell her... and as expected she's cross and hurt and angry about the affair, and LIVID about the lying and the carrying on of the Husband role, when in reality he should have been honest long, long ago.

 

Both MM and his wife are upset, this is a very difficult time. But in the first instance they are dealing with practical immediate issues, living arrangements, bills etc (although very little will change there for some time).

 

I have suspicions MM's wife may attempt to reconcile with him. She thinks he's utterly crazy. She has said a lot of things and places a LOT of responsibility on him for the failings of their relationship. Well, from where I'm sitting she blames him entirely, yet things that happened ten/twelve years ago have all slowly helped to amount to where things are now. So I think MM is in for a rocky ride. But that's the way it goes.

 

So I'm keeping an open mind (reading on LS does that to ya!), but mostly happy there is no longer any lying. That gave me sleepless nights and made me angry. And we're not in limbo now. And we have been able to spend time together with us NOT being a secret and it not requiring deceit and hurt. I am crossing my fingers but not counting my chickens. And I am very grateful to those on LS who have helped me regain my sanity after I rocked up here spraying my emotional turmoil all over the show

[piscis]

Hi SG!!

I really do not know what will happend here but I hope you find peace with yourself.

The waiting is horrible.

Time is going to kill you and the impotence of not being able to de anything about it.

At least it si the way it has been for me.

But time can also be your best friend.

Let things happened as they are suppose to happend.

Keep posting, keep busy and try to be very good to yourself regarding if they separate or not.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi SG!!

I really do not know what will happend here but I hope you find peace with yourself.

The waiting is horrible.

Time is going to kill you and the impotence of not being able to de anything about it.

At least it si the way it has been for me.

But time can also be your best friend.

Let things happened as they are suppose to happend.

Keep posting, keep busy and try to be very good to yourself regarding if they separate or not.

 

Thanks Piscis. The deciet was killing me. Anything now is good. If they reconcile, with the facts etc etc, that's better than it was. If he and I make it work, that's fantastic. I'm not waiting and wondering WHEN he'll tell her.

 

I will let things happen as they will, as you say, and be good to myself. Thanks

[lilbunny]

SG I am so glad you are in a happy place. I have wondered how things have been going for you.

 

You really do sound so much more positive. It gives me hope that I will get there eventually.

 

I hope things work out for you, but either way I think you are going to be ok. (((hugs)))

[Silly_Girl]

SG I am so glad you are in a happy place. I have wondered how things have been going for you.

 

You really do sound so much more positive. It gives me hope that I will get there eventually.

 

I hope things work out for you, but either way I think you are going to be ok. (((hugs)))

 

Thanks so much lilbunny. I very much wish I had found LS a long while before I did because there's some serious wisdom on them thar boards!!! I think I could have saved myself some heartache and anxiety but there you go

 

As for giving encouragement to others, not you lilbunny but as a bit of a disclaimer to some very young members who may be clutching at empty straws... My MM's relationship with his wife was never conventional or fulfilling in the way one would expect. They had/have a strange dynamic and events of ten years past were the startings of things going wrong for them. They had no 'magic' to rediscover, or intimacy to regain.

 

It just took meeting me for my MM to see things with fresh eyes and realise he didn't HAVE to settle in his marriage, accepting terms designed to suit someone else, and 'get by' until his days were over. He didn't moan about how unhappy he was, instead his attitude was that 'it's not alll that bad', and some really quite screwy things were going on whilst he left his head neatly buried under the sand. There are a couple of MMs I see referred to around here who remind me of the man in my life

 

As things stand I'm not comfortable counting on the plans we've made and the things he'd said. It's not that I don't believe him, I do. But I need to protect myself, and focus on my stuff, and going at it a day/week at a time is probably for the best.

[Hazyhead]

Totally hear ya about wishing I had found LS sooner, but then when all was 'good'... But, sounds like things could be looking up for you. Regardless of where this leads SG, and I hope it's to the conclusion that you want, which I think would bring everybody peace, at least now you're out in the open and have honesty on you side. Now, there is no more hiding from his truth, both he and his wife have to (you'd think) face it. If they start to make a go of it at least you know and can start to move on, but if they don't then I hope he treats you well.

 

Good luck with it, hon!

[Silly_Girl]

Were you there in the room when the disclosure of the A occurred? I'm wondering how you know what happened or if you are just taking his word for it.

 

I wasn't there and wouldn't wanted to have been. I'm absolutely taking his word for it and am happy to do so.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm crossing my fingers for you SG. Not to be negative lol but just remember that this is only the first step. A lot can happen that still changes the course so stay cautiously optimistic.

 

Oh thanks SiT! And 'cautiously optimistic' sums me up perfectly!!

[NoIDidn't]

I'm glad he told her himself, but I am a little confused about you saying she knows about you and you and he are still seeing each other.

 

Are they actually separating and just negotiating things now, or is he disrespecting her and their home further by continuing a R with you openly that he knows hurts her?

 

As a W, I wouldn't find not knowing about the A acceptable and I definitely wouldn't be accepting of my H telling me about the OW and still expecting me to sit home while he went out with her.

 

I am trying not to assume anything here, so please forgive me if it comes across that way. It just seems that you are doing a different kind of waiting now. Instead of waiting for him to tell her, now you are waiting to see if they will reconcile or divorce. If that's the case, why is that better?

 

(I know, I know, it does seem like OW just can't win no matter what happens, but I am genuinely trying to understand why her knowing is better than her not knowing when she still doesn't want him going out with you, and she's still hurt, and he's still not likely made a final decision)

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, yes, not terribly clear from my post, but clear as day in my head

 

I'm glad he told her himself, but I am a little confused about you saying she knows about you and you and he are still seeing each other.

 

Are they actually separating and just negotiating things now, or is he disrespecting her and their home further by continuing a R with you openly that he knows hurts her?

 

They are separating. He's told her he's leaving the marital home, changing his job asap, and moving away to be with me. They have agreed some short term financial and practical arrangements. Then there'll be a period of time for the dust to settle, after he's moved out. His wife can't afford the house alone so he'll continue with all bills etc then, when she's had time to think about what she might like to do, where she might like to live etc, they can start dealing with the bigger stuff.

 

As a W, I wouldn't find not knowing about the A acceptable and I definitely wouldn't be accepting of my H telling me about the OW and still expecting me to sit home while he went out with her.

 

I am trying not to assume anything here, so please forgive me if it comes across that way. It just seems that you are doing a different kind of waiting now. Instead of waiting for him to tell her, now you are waiting to see if they will reconcile or divorce. If that's the case, why is that better?

 

To me, the divorce or not divorce is not an issue. I'm not asking him to marry me. There were 2 issues. One is an unhealthy marriage. The second is he and I appearing to have something pretty spectacular. And we wanted the time and opportunity to explore that, to build on it; to be a couple properly, out in the open and start exploring the life we both believe we want together. We can do that now, so I don't feel I'm waiting at all.

 

(I know, I know, it does seem like OW just can't win no matter what happens, but I am genuinely trying to understand why her knowing is better than her not knowing when she still doesn't want him going out with you, and she's still hurt, and he's still not likely made a final decision)

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for the clarification. That sounds much better.

 

I'm glad you didn't reveal yourself to her as it would have definitely complicated things for him. Him telling her was best and for the best.

 

Good luck with things. I'm glad he finally told her and has gotten the ball rolling in an open and honest way.

[torranceshipman]

I wasn't there and wouldn't wanted to have been. I'm absolutely taking his word for it and am happy to do so.

 

Just be careful-his back was against the wall, and he knew he had to tell her, or you would. That was a lot of pressure on him, and he may well have 100% opted for the easy route: pretending he told her.

 

Also, he disappears for long periods without contacting you? He doesn't sound very invested.

[jennie-jennie]

Sorry, yes, not terribly clear from my post, but clear as day in my head

 

They are separating. He's told her he's leaving the marital home, changing his job asap, and moving away to be with me. They have agreed some short term financial and practical arrangements. Then there'll be a period of time for the dust to settle, after he's moved out. His wife can't afford the house alone so he'll continue with all bills etc then, when she's had time to think about what she might like to do, where she might like to live etc, they can start dealing with the bigger stuff.

 

To me, the divorce or not divorce is not an issue. I'm not asking him to marry me. There were 2 issues. One is an unhealthy marriage. The second is he and I appearing to have something pretty spectacular. And we wanted the time and opportunity to explore that, to build on it; to be a couple properly, out in the open and start exploring the life we both believe we want together. We can do that now, so I don't feel I'm waiting at all.

 

Sounds good to me! Good luck! :bunny:

[Silly_Girl]

Just be careful-his back was against the wall, and he knew he had to tell her, or you would. That was a lot of pressure on him, and he may well have 100% opted for the easy route: pretending he told her.

 

Also, he disappears for long periods without contacting you? He doesn't sound very invested.

 

His phone broke when he was away.

 

I hear you. I sent him an email last week pretty much saying I'd had it and would just go. Just back right away and chalk it up to experience. He answered next day, once back at work and said that prior to me emailing he'd told his wife they'd be talking that night, and he was sure of what he wanted to say and what he wanted to happen. And he did it, that night, exactly as he said he would.

 

As for invested... I know he'd really laugh at that. He's a creature of habit, an ostrich, never swims upstream. He goes with the flow and accepts his lot. He's never made big decisions or taken life-changing actions.

 

He'd be shocked if I said he wasn't invested but is ending a ten-marriage, leaving a secure job after ten years and moving a hundred miles to live where the only people he knows are my son and I.

 

-----

 

As for lying, I have no reason whatsoever to believe he is lying. I won't repeat here the details of their conversation, but it would be very hard to have made that up. There hasn't been one thing in 11 months that I've had cause to pull him up on, in terms of lying to me. The only thing (admittedly a huge thing) has been the 'I'll tell her this week, I promise'. And it wouldn't have happened, he'd bottled it.

 

If he wanted to lie about having told her he'd have done it long ago, I think. And if he's lied he's going to get found out pretty damn quickly when he's not available (to me) for all the things we've planned, starting this weekend.

 

I trust that what he relayed to me is what happened.

[Fallen Angel]

His phone broke when he was away.

 

I hear you. I sent him an email last week pretty much saying I'd had it and would just go. Just back right away and chalk it up to experience. He answered next day, once back at work and said that prior to me emailing he'd told his wife they'd be talking that night, and he was sure of what he wanted to say and what he wanted to happen. And he did it, that night, exactly as he said he would.

 

As for invested... I know he'd really laugh at that. He's a creature of habit, an ostrich, never swims upstream. He goes with the flow and accepts his lot. He's never made big decisions or taken life-changing actions.

 

He'd be shocked if I said he wasn't invested but is ending a ten-marriage, leaving a secure job after ten years and moving a hundred miles to live where the only people he knows are my son and I.

 

That sounds pretty invested to me hun. :bunny:

 

-----

 

As for lying, I have no reason whatsoever to believe he is lying. I won't repeat here the details of their conversation, but it would be very hard to have made that up. There hasn't been one thing in 11 months that I've had cause to pull him up on, in terms of lying to me. The only thing (admittedly a huge thing) has been the 'I'll tell her this week, I promise'. And it wouldn't have happened, he'd bottled it.

 

If he wanted to lie about having told her he'd have done it long ago, I think. And if he's lied he's going to get found out pretty damn quickly when he's not available (to me) for all the things we've planned, starting this weekend.

 

I trust that what he relayed to me is what happened.

 

It sounds lovely SG. I hope you are happy and at peace and live a lifetime of love. My thoughts are with you wishing you much joy!

[Silly_Girl]

It sounds lovely SG. I hope you are happy and at peace and live a lifetime of love. My thoughts are with you wishing you much joy!

 

Thank you very much FA. It's really appreciated.

[Silly_Girl]

Sounds good to me! Good luck! :bunny:

 

Somehow I missed this. Just wanted to say thank you, j-j

[2sunny]

i hope you're right and he did tell her about you. i wish you happiness!

 

as things go around here - it is easy to get skeptical.

 

are you certain he told about his new life with you? it could be that he told her he's moving and changing jobs... but left the part out about seeing you.

 

it happens - often enough. some MM like to leave the door behind them ajar because they tend to go running back home when things don't go just the way they expected they would with their OW; or if the divorce process becomes as grueling as it can often be. they figure, the less they tell - the more she may forgive. then the setup for him tends to be kind of temporary...

 

is your MM moving in with you or has he signed a one year lease to rent his own place near you? i do think it's important for a man like this to allow himself time on his own - without living with another woman right away - to get his head clear and to become stable as he moves through cleaning up and making his past tidy. the divorce part can become tiring and drawn out.

 

it also allows him to court you a bit instead of just moving right in to your space.

 

my hope is that you two find the life you've been dreaming of together!

[turnstone]

it would be very hard to have made that up.

 

What could anyone say that would be hard to make up?

 

That's a rhetorical question, by the way.

 

I hope it works for you and he does the right thing by you as well as his wife.

[Silly_Girl]

i hope you're right and he did tell her about you.

 

I'm satisfied that he did.

 

i wish you happiness!

 

Thank you

 

as things go around here - it is easy to get skeptical.

 

Indeed, but it's important to remember that everyone, and every situation is different.

 

are you certain he told about his new life with you? it could be that he told her he's moving and changing jobs... but left the part out about seeing you.

 

Yes. He told her. There's lots of ways it was discussed, but a fundamental point was that she was horrified that he would give up a 13 yr relationship 'just for a sexual relationship' (they are not and never have been sexual). It was at that point things got trickier for him - because we are very much more than 'just a sexual relationship'. It meant he was required to truly admit (and rightfully so) how much contact we have had and that he considers his relationship with me worth giving up his relationship with her.

 

Also, when he was leaving before (and tried to hide my existence) it meant she simply refused to accept he was going. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever (of course it didn't, that must have been a very hard/strange time for her). Whereas now, now she's aware of me, things make more sense. However, she doesn't want him to go and has said a LOT of things (some of which certainly appear untrue) to try and get him to stay.

 

it happens - often enough. some MM like to leave the door behind them ajar because they tend to go running back home when things don't go just the way they expected they would with their OW; or if the divorce process becomes as grueling as it can often be. they figure, the less they tell - the more she may forgive. then the setup for him tends to be kind of temporary...

 

is your MM moving in with you or has he signed a one year lease to rent his own place near you? i do think it's important for a man like this to allow himself time on his own - without living with another woman right away - to get his head clear and to become stable as he moves through cleaning up and making his past tidy. the divorce part can become tiring and drawn out.

 

He's applied for a job, and will apply for more. When we know what's happening with the work we'll talk housing. For now he is spending weekends here with me and getting a room near his work for Mon-Thurs. That suits us both for now, for lots of reasons.

 

it also allows him to court you a bit instead of just moving right in to your space.

 

my hope is that you two find the life you've been dreaming of together!

 

Thank you very much for your good wishes. I remain 'cautiously optimistic'. When we parted at the weekend he said such a heartfelt and sincere thank you to me for generally 'being there' through all this. As much as I see resolve (more than I realised he was capable of) from him in terms of getting on and doing this, now we've come this far, I know he's struggling with facing the situation and telling his wife was by far the hardest thing he's ever done. I don't feel sorry for him (his choices led to this, well, hers too) but I do acknowledge this is extremely hard on them both and I hope they are able to salvage some sort of friendship or at least able to be civil and co-operative over the coming months.

[Silly_Girl]

What could anyone say that would be hard to make up?

 

That's a rhetorical question, by the way.

 

I hope it works for you and he does the right thing by you as well as his wife.

 

I'm glad its a rhetorical question because, to be honest, I resent your comment. Turnstone, I understand you taking that stance but to be honest I'm hacked off with the assumption that I'm being fed b-s left, right and centre. And this is not directed at you but in general.

 

Is there even the slightest small chance that he ISN'T lying to me????

 

I lived for 8 yrs with a cheater with a personality disorder who was an AMAZING liar. Sometimes it was hours or weeks later that the dots joined up for me, but, 99.9% of the time they did indeed join up. He used to be ASTOUNDED at what I would pick up on. Small facts, silly things.

 

I'll share something about me now. I work in finance, when my boss asks me about the margin on x,y,z last month, I do not have a clue. I produced the numbers but I don't REMEMBER. Why? Because although I'm good at my job that stuff just does not interest me. I don't have a natural flair for remembering that stuff and it's not close to my heart.

 

When I worked in a lawyer's office and costed files (and therefore part-read them to know what we needed to charge for)... goodness! The things I would remember about those people or those cases. That stuff, people stuff, emotive stuff. It wedged itself in my head, and oftentimes I wished it wouldn't because some of it was pretty darn upsetting.

 

When I used to row with my ex I could almost recite the row afterward. And recall it next time - and would aften need to. I would catch him out on things that didn't even matter. And I find myself doing it with anyone I am close to. Not being suspicious, but a need to understand. I could be chatting with my mum about one of her horses, and I'll say 'Oh, I thought Billy had that treatment last time? Why's he got to have it again'. No, turns out the treatment was booked, but the vet postponed. It sounds such a silly thing but I remember things, I don't just accept stuff willy-nilly. And I am obsessed (in relationships) with the truth. I have always been extremely very anti-lying, but my experience with my ex means I am almost obssessive about it - but working on this

 

Coming back to MM, we've always talked a lot. We had a period of NC, our first phone conversation after getting back in touch was 6 hours. 6 hours of talking about how he had been, how I had been, how he was feeling about his wife etc. The next night we spoke for 4 more hours. And the next night was 4.5 hours. We TALK. Not all the time, but when there's things to be talked about, we talk.

 

Am example when he came and told me about the conversation with his wife.

Him: 'She told me it's my fault she never did X in her life'

Me: 'But you talked to her about that 3 years ago, you said'

Him: 'Yes, I did, on holiday, but apparently because of XYZ she didn't believe I was sincere'

Me: 'But she said that about such-and-such before and then said she understood, much later down the line, didn't she?'

Him: 'Yes, but that was slightly different because of These Reasons'

Me:'Oh god, yes. I see. That sounds really difficult'

 

There's quite a few of those that I don't want to give facts for, because it's not fair, but suffice it to say, I didn't just open the door to him, he says 'it's okay sweetheart, I told her', and I say 'lovely, glad that's done, now what shall we have for dinner?'.

 

What I am trying to say is, I listen VERY hard. I can't help myself. Even when it looks like I'm not, I am. It's how I'm wired.

 

There were some really in-depth (and not so in-depth) things that were discussed between MM and his wife, and it would have been extremely difficult for him to have made it all up. No, hang on. POSSIBLY making it up might be feasible (although I'm not sure my MM thinks that quickly!!), but then talking it over with me, me challenging and feeding back in based on what I know... that's what I think would have been impossible.

 

Just like the flat he put a deposit on, and posters here told me he hadn't, it was all part of his 'net' and then I was able to later verfiy independently that exactly what he said had happened, had happened.

 

I genuinely trust that what I'm getting is his truth.

 

The challenge now is to ensure I keep an eye on the actions backing all this up and don't assume all will be well just because he says so. But he (and I) updated his CV and he sent it off yesterday for a job 20 miles from me, and I thought that side of things would take him ages, to be honest. So we will see.

[turnstone]

I'm glad its a rhetorical question because, to be honest, I resent your comment. Turnstone, I understand you taking that stance but to be honest I'm hacked off with the assumption that I'm being fed b-s left, right and centre. And this is not directed at you but in general.

Of course you feel hacked off. But I'm sure you understand why there is scepticism, you've read this board for long enough to know that the vast majority of (if not all) MM aren't all they make themselves out to be. Infact, I kinda resent that you expect everyone to believe everything that you're told without asking for clarification

 

POSSIBLY making it up might be feasible (although I'm not sure my MM thinks that quickly!!), but then talking it over with me, me challenging and feeding back in based on what I know... that's what I think would have been impossible.

 

Ok, so it's feasible and thanks for clarifying why you feel he couldn't be lying.

 

Look, what those people who question the scenario are doing is no different than you do with the MM in question. Challenging your thoughts and your beliefs about what he's telling you. That's to be expected on LS for starters, and hopefully it helps clarify the picture for you and get your own thoughts in order. Being challenged can help your belief in him to be strengthened, as much as encourage you to see any inconsistencies where they exist.

 

My stance is not about OW versus BS - that's just counter productive, never mind immature. I am coming from this as a woman who knows how much damage an MM can commit to all parties.

[jennie-jennie]

I am glad to see you strong, SG, and refusing to swallow the seeds of doubt many are trying to feed you.

[jennie-jennie]

I wonder. The BSs have been lied to. A lot. The OW often have not. Many OW have MM who have been nothing but honest to them. Is this one reason why the BSs seem to doubt the honesty of the MM so intensely, trying in every way to figure out a scenario where the MM is lying to the OW as well?

[Silly_Girl]

Turnstone, I appreciate you replying. And you're right in what you say. I think it's just that you were the lucky one millionth customer so you got the feedback!!!

 

It's not that I don't expect to give clarification, but some of that is so intensely personal (e.g. Their failed sex life) that it makes it difficult.

 

I suppose it's something I find difficult personally, because I am a natural skeptic... I find myself appearing distrustful on other threads, yet I trust my guy almost 100%. That doesn't feel altogether comfortable for me; feels a bit hypocritical. But my comments would always be made with the best of intention. Like so many posts I've received!!

 

And Turnstone, re your last comment about BS vs OW etc, I personally don't subscribe to that so I didn't react to you with that in mind at all. If I was forced to label you as one or the other personally, I wouldn't have a clue! Apart from a couple of hit-and-run stirrers I approach and accept all posters equally and find that most of the women have played more than one role (OW/BS) in a romantic set-up, and some have completed the hat-trick by having been the WS too!! Fundamentally most of us have been impacted or hurt by an affair-related situation and want to help prevent others going through the same heartache.

 

Thanks again for replying