SG Update

[BB07]

Can you explain your rationality for that? I just recently chose NC for my sanity....but the fear of giving up my chances by staying out of sight out of mind worries me' too. I just don't want to hold up his progress. Keeping me there a his beckon call to fulfill both his sexual and emotional needs means it's easy to be complacent. While I would never give him an ultimatum, in a way now he has to choose knowing if he wants to be with me' again he better approach me' only when he has made substantial progress and able to be with me outside of our secret life.

 

I'm not Jennie, but I wanted to comment on your question.

 

The reasons that you chose NC (for your sanity) are all the RIGHT reasons for doing so. Ideally NC should be chosen for this reason when the situation is no longer tolerable for you, when the cost vs the benefits are too great.

 

IMO, NC should always be used in that reasons above. Other than that, it can also be used to let the AP know that you will no longer tolerate the situation as is and you can use it in hopes that they will miss you enough to make the changes required to have a better, different relationship. In some situations depending on the dynamics between the two people (such as Jennie's situation) Jennie feels that NC would not aid her in pushing her AP into taking some action and she feels that her situation is tolerable enough to her so that NC is not required. (Hope I didn't speak to heavy handed for you Jennie).

[jwi71]

I'm not Jennie, but I wanted to comment on your question.

 

The reasons that you chose NC (for your sanity) are all the RIGHT reasons for doing so. Ideally NC should be chosen for this reason when the situation is no longer tolerable for you, when the cost vs the benefits are too great.

 

IMO, NC should always be used in that reasons above. Other than that, it can also be used to let the AP know that you will no longer tolerate the situation as is and you can use it in hopes that they will miss you enough to make the changes required to have a better, different relationship. In some situations depending on the dynamics between the two people (such as Jennie's situation) Jennie feels that NC would not aid her in pushing her AP into taking some action and she feels that her situation is tolerable enough to her so that NC is not required. (Hope I didn't speak to heavy handed for you Jennie).

 

Wholly agree.

 

NC is NOT a power play to compel another to act.

It is not a substitute for healthy conversation about what you want and expect.

 

It is the end. Forever. Immediate. Irrevocable.

It is simultaneously the beginning.

 

NC's SOLE purpose is to begin to heal from the wounds of a dead R. To use it any other way almost guarantees failure and EXTENDED suffering.

[BB07]

Sorry about the t/j SG......and you know that I'm very optimistic for you and as someone else said, I so admire your grace and intelligence in the way you have handled your situation. You are so brave and I'm proud of you.

 

I only want and expect good things for you SG..........big, big hugs.

[donnamaybe]

I wonder. The BSs have been lied to. A lot. The OW often have not. Many OW have MM who have been nothing but honest to them. Is this one reason why the BSs seem to doubt the honesty of the MM so intensely, trying in every way to figure out a scenario where the MM is lying to the OW as well?

Just because an OW believes her MM doesn't lie to her doesn't mean he doesn't.

 

SG, I have enjoyed your stance on your A. You don't like the deceit and the dragging of the BS through a farce of a M. You are to be commended for your caring about others.

 

I wish you all the best!

[Silly_Girl]

Wow! Thanks so much, BB07, high praise indeed after everything you've been through and how you conducted yourself!!

 

And thank you donnamaybe, very much. It means a lot, you saying that.

[bohogirl]

SG, I like your style too. Your grace under fire is inspiring. Good luck.

[jennie-jennie]

NC's SOLE purpose is to begin to heal from the wounds of a dead R. To use it any other way almost guarantees failure and EXTENDED suffering.

 

This should be the disclaimer always stated when someone recommends NC. I wonder how many OW/OM would choose not to go NC if they realized this.

 

It's forever. No contact ever again. For life.

[jwi71]

This should be the disclaimer always stated when someone recommends NC. I wonder how many OW/OM would choose not to go NC if they realized this.

 

It's forever. No contact ever again. For life.

 

I know!

I added that per our discussion a while back!

[Hazyhead]

 

As for 'Is he a good catch?'. Oh good god yes!!!!! :love: I went in to detail about this on another thread, but to try and keep it brief... Our relationship is extremely different to theirs. They will arrange activities X% of the week so as to limit time together, or things get strained. They have never faced the 'bigstuff'. They don't have sex. They share no interests outside the home (by which I mean - they watch tv together). They don't confide in each other. He's heavily encouraged to filter what he says, and to act in a certain way. And more.

 

It's because we are so different, and natural together... and the luxury of building a relationship as we did, as friends with no pressure or vested interest... we have a very different, multi-faceted relationship that we believe gives each of us what we want.

 

 

I'm so happy for you SG. I sincerely hope it works out. You deserve it to and, long run, it will probably be best for everyone.