Complicated familial situation and mother that is driving me insane

[craig841]

Ok sorry for the long message in advance.

 

I'm 20 years old and at university, and at the moment I am stuck in a situation where my parents are divorcing but still living together. My dad is very busy and hasn't had time to fill out all his complicated financial forms necessary to further the process, and so my mum cannot move out until she has some money from him. They came to a decision in February this year that they were ending their marriage amicably. Obviously I was upset at the time, but after talking to many people I felt better and came to realise it was absolutely for the best.

 

7 months later, and they are still living in the same house (not sleeping in the same bed though obv). I have always been close to my mother and not so much to my father (he doesn't easily express himself and can seem quite cold at times). My mother is the opposite of him: expresses her emotions all the time, usually to me, after her nightly most of a bottle of wine. As well as the divorce, she also had to move workplace and is finding life a bit hard there.

 

I initially thought my father was at fault in the marriage...he never says a word, while my mother bitches at me about all the little things he's done and the fact that he doesn't talk to her much at all (she admitted she was using every man she could, including me, for attention from men). You can imagine whose side of the argument I know everything about now!

 

But I've come to realise that my mother is a passive-aggressive, manipulating, guilt tripping, same-point-of-a-conversation-repeating-for-an-hour woman, and that he doesn't talk to her much because he dislikes it so intensely. He wants her out of the house as much as she wants to leave (it's financially simpler for her to leave). So I see both sides now and very clearly.

 

I want to move out, but I really cannot afford to. I am expressely forbidden by my university to have a job while I am there, and there are so few spaces for work around where I live, so I am financially dependent on my father for the time being. I am also a classical musician by trade, and my jobs are few and far between (lack of connections for the moment) and usually paid terribly.

 

Every time I tell my mother that her behaviour is stressing me out, the response is always 'YOU'RE stressed?! Think what I'm going through...' followed by a diatribe on all the terrible things that are happening in her life, in her usual self-centered manner. I have no idea how to respond to this.

 

I nearly flipped on her tonight (I rarely do, but when I do I absolutely lose the place) for continually interrupting me when I'm talking and not listening to a word I just said, and when I eventually refused to repeat what I had just said because of her rudeness, she said 'oh do you do this to everyone who hasn't heard what you said? no wonder you have no girlfriend at the moment' which was not only a deliberate attempt to make me angry but also an extremely hypocritical remark (when I am listening to her but out of sight or something she will often refuse to continue even when I just repeat verbatim what she has just said).

 

And yet she wants continuous attention from me and phones me every single day while I am at university. I pick up those calls maybe once a week. She is attempting to keep me on a leash and I am just beginning to try and pull away.

 

Basically, how do I deal with this? Do I grin and bear it until she moves out, or is there anything I can say or do to lessen the stress on myself (which is large)? I spend as much time as my money can afford away with friends, but I have a whole month ahead of me at home until I go back to university.

 

If I've missed anything please ask questions.

[2themoon&back]

Let me start with saying you poor thing... my heart goes out to you !!!

 

it sounds like you are stuck in the middle of your parents problems and they both are taking advantage of the fact you are there and that you care for both of them but right now they only care about themselves.

 

i want to try to help you. i will do my best to give you some ideas:

 

1st you have the right to say to your mom that you no longer want to hear her berate your dad, nor do you want to hear about all her troubles.(not because you don’t care about her, just that you cannot fix it for her)

 

i know this is hard to do ... but it is necessary because it sounds like the roles of parent/child have gotten blurred here. So you have the right to say this and mean it, tell her you are willing to talk to her about her issues maybe once a week for an hour, after that she will have to figure them out on her own(as an adult) or find some counseling, or friends to talk to.

 

2nd you need to address your father about being okay with you taking his flack.... his passiveness must really upset your mom so indirectly he stirs the pot, and leaves things a mess knowing you will help clean it up. so ask him to address your concerns, and reassure you that he is going to help you get what you need for school, etc and to keep you out of the marital issues, that he may need to take time to talk to your mom because she seems to have a lot to say about the divorce.

 

3rd when your mom starts to say something about your dad --- you have a pat answer, such as "i really love you mom and i know you are going through a lot right now but you should really talk to dad about this"

 

**if she says "he (dad) won’t talk to her" than you say i am sorry about that too but i still feel that is who you should be addressing these issues with not me, they make me feel uncomfortable. **

 

4th find you a job, anything, a hobby, just something to keep you out of sight until they figure out what they are going to do. Get you a job in a in a restaurant (they make tips = instant money) volunteer in your area, anything to get some control of your life for you !!!!

(and out of the house for a little while so you can be 20!!!)

 

5th tell your parents that you love them and hope this will pass soon so that you will be able to appreciate them for the individuals they are because to you, they are both very important.

 

Sometimes parents do not realize the pressure they are putting on a child during a divorce they get caught up in their own feelings and forget about anyone else… but you can set these boundaries and they will still love you …… trust me I have been there and I am an only child with two crazy parents

 

I hope some of what I said will help you and keep posting to vent it out here and get support

Good luck !!!!!

[craig841]

Thank you very much 2themoon...makes me realise I don't have to take this. Haven't had any more problems yet, but when I do I shall take this advice. :-D

 

Just fingers crossed and pray she moves out soon...

[2themoon&back]

Thank you very much 2themoon...makes me realise I don't have to take this. Haven't had any more problems yet, but when I do I shall take this advice. :-D

 

Just fingers crossed and pray she moves out soon...

 

 

 

you are very welcome, i will keep my fingers crossed that this difficult time in your life passes asap !!!