Where to turn?

[trippi1432]

Hi Willow - First, I owe you an apology. I had no right to try and give you a "diagnosis" as I am not a therapist. That was wrong of me and I apologize.

 

Second - I was not offended, you pretty much hit the nail on the head of what my ex was during our relationship. No worries there.

 

It's going to take as much time as you need to get through this...there's no cap on that....I wouldn't suggest contacting your ex if you think he is going to be mean towards you. Wait until you are stronger...until then, maybe journal out what you would like to say to him so you are prepared when you feel the time is right.

[willowthewisp]

No need to apologize trippi!

 

There won't be a time to speak to him again, he cut me out completely and permanatly, made it clear he never wanted to hear from me again, I will never see or speak to him again.

[You Go Girl]

Willow, when was the last time you acted silly? Yeah, turned on the radio like I did after reading your post, and started dancing like a fool to an old song from my teenage years. I'm sure some of my dance moves were pathetic. But who cares!

Exercise is an excellent endorphin method to bring you up when you're down. I feel down everyday too, %&*#@!

But what can I do about it? Not a whole lot. I'm getting older=beyond my control. I can't force people to do what I want them to! $%*&@! AGAIN!

Why don't people do as I say? What's wrong with them? Don't they know I have all the answers? Ummm...I guess not. What are these sick waves of despair that come over me?

Dancing like an idiot for a few minutes actually helped. When you feel that creepy wave of blech come over you, it's really the best thing to do. I wonder if our bodies are telling us to move!

Tomorrow my D is final. I could never force him to change or see things my way. Geez he's stubborn. Guess I was too. I loved him, he broke my heart, he didn't seem to care about my feelings, and he's feeling ****ty too I know it, and he thinks that I'm probably half-crazy and he can't force me to see things his way. Humph!

It stinks. He stinks! I stink too! We're all flawed. But by golly...I want to have some happiness, I want to live, and I will find a way. I don't know just how I'll do it. My wide and varied education isn't doing it. My lonely nights isn't doing it. My success at business when I work hard isn't doing it. What I'm proud of isn't doing it.

But...acting like an idiot and dancing like a fool to an old song worked! Weird, eh?

There just isn't rationalizing some things. There just isn't winning by logic. It's not those things that cause us to want to live. You need to get silly sometimes. I know you have it in ya...come on...let it out!

There's just no figuring it all out to our liking. Sometimes, I have to give in, give up, and act like a fool.

[You Go Girl]

There won't be a time to speak to him again, he cut me out completely and permanatly, made it clear he never wanted to hear from me again, I will never see or speak to him again.

 

Wow...just saw this. That guy sucks. You do realize that, don't you? I've done some awful things to others, and others have done some awful things to me, but if a single one of them came to me for any decent reason, I would listen and be there for them.

I wouldn't want to be a jerk that way. Your ex sucks. Excuse the slang, but sometimes, slang says it all better than any educated air-tight judgment.

[trippi1432]

Willow - not sure what your ages are, but if you have been together for that long and since high school, have you thought about the fact that your X could be having a mid-life crisis? Not sure if you have read up on it, but some good information on this site might help.

 

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/

 

(Asking forgiveness to the mods if this is not in alignment with the TOS - informational site, not selling products)

[YSS]

But I feel that your problem is that you are unable to holistically see the big picture of your relationship with this man and categorize it. Therefore it just leaves the wound open and fresh.

Willow - I think Trippi offers some great advice. Its bolded above, (sorry Willow and Trippi, still trying to learn how the quote boxed here work).

 

From your postings, you are seeing some limited flaws in your EX and that the relationship for the most part was satisfying. While that may be true, if your stepped back and took away all the emotions and just looked at the "actions". Would you think the same? Meaning, no emotion invested....a man walks away from a marriage of many years with pretty much no explanation. Following that walk away, complete dismissal towards the spous. Is that normal behaviour? Is that behaviour of someone who has character? compassion? a heart? Forgot about that he is your EX and how much you care, just try to step back and look at the scenario without emotion, as if, a stranger relayed their experience to you. Does that help convey what Trippi was saying better? In all our relationships we take on roles whether we do it consiously or subconciously. The book "rebuilding your relationship after divorce" speaks of these various pattenrs. Its only in stepping back and seeing things without emotions, we can see our various patterns.

 

While this is such a painful time for you, you are lovable, you are worthy and you will get through this. However, the depression and teh despair it brings along - can be crippling. Perhaps if you have yet to do so, you may wish to be more open with your counsellor but you may wish to try the exercise to emotionally detach and see the relationship from those lenses.

 

I will share this experience with you....when my counsellor was workign with me at the onset she thought I was experiencing PTSD from my breakup. By our 3rd sesion, she began to suspect it may be more than that and perhaps depression, simply cause I was inconsolable (and somedays still feel this way). I promised that I would go see my doctor for a medical evaluation. The counsellor also suggested I need to find anger with my EX for how he treated me. For myself, I am/was overhwelmed with sadness...could see no anger apart from seeign where he is not a perfect person. Well it wa sitting in that Doctor's office, that I thought why am I here having to seeking meds, take time weekly to see a counsellor cause I feel so broken and he is off with his life without a look backwards in my direction. Anger came out, and it made a difference...sort of like a turning point. I share this with you not because i think meds are bad or therpay is bad (still doing therpay and have yet to rule out the need for meds), but because each of us experiences something to make us step back and look at the relationship from a different angle. For me, it was sitting in that DR waiting room. With that vision, some new healing begins. keep posting.

[tojaz]

No need to apologize trippi!

 

There won't be a time to speak to him again, he cut me out completely and permanatly, made it clear he never wanted to hear from me again, I will never see or speak to him again.

 

 

Willow, first my apologies. Early on I had said i would follow your thread, and while I have read it all I have not had the strength to reply as it reminds me of stories that strike quite close to home, both for myself and for people that are and were quite close to me.

 

What you stated above is not al together a bad thing. Sometimes the less you know and the less contact the better. Today as I'm writing this, I have gotten word that my beloved ex has selected my replacement. News that has set me to a point that I'm not sure is good or bad (That point currently is quite drunk).

 

A very valid point has been made here though. You do find a space to put your relationship and its demise into perspective. Mine happened quite a long time ago, and right here on LS. It wasn't the advice, or the posts, or the sad stories. It was the people that came to my aide ad me to them.

 

Some of these people I would come quite close to, and to be quite blunt, some I would credit with most of my happiest post D moments. People that showed me that there were indeed people out there that loved the way i loved, viewed relationships the way i did and believed the way i believed. People that pulled me through my hardest times and allowed me to try to pull them through theirs. People who have stories like yours Willow. Some like Trippi and YGG have found your thread and others like Lupa, MayI, and Broken Hearted to name a few have healed and moved away from LS but their impact on me bears mention as i credit each of them with a big part of my progress thus far.

 

Theses are the survivors Willow, Lost souls that have healed and moved on, found love for themselves, its a hard road and depending on the circumstances it takes longer for some then others. I hope to count myself among them one day.

 

Today Willow, I received word that my ex, who was my everything for 14 years has selected my replacement. I'[m hurt, shatttered, and alone, but I will not give up! I know some of what your going through Willow, as i am going through very much the same, it has been over a year since my D and in that time any correspondance with my ex has been through Email or text. A total disconnect. My "friends"? same deal, total disconnect now that I am the one in need.

 

Still Willow, I know there are true, good hearted people out there. People that love unselfishly, and care unconditionaly. I know, because I've seen them, spoken to them, shared with them. I think you have that in you as well Willow, and that is something to protect and to cherish because it is all to rare in this world.

 

Its that fact that gets me through times like this Willow, knowing that there are people out there with a heart like mine and that I may someday find that for myself.

 

Willow, I say your story is all to familiar, and I say that with good reason. The one LSer that helped me the most, taught me the most, and to be honest single handedly got me through the toughest times (thank you Lisa) shared a story much like yours. This person in all honesty probably saved my life. Heres where to find her story and i hope you read it >> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=14567524

 

Unfortunately, it would seem that the loss also got the better of her and she is no longer on LS. A loss for us all. I see you going down that same road of despair Willow. DO NOT CARRY THE BLAME!

 

Whatever happened, what ever he said, and whatever has been done. You are not to blame for this, he is the one that left, he is the one that made the decision, without your knowledge, input, or concern for your well being. Its selfish, its cold, hurtfull, and to borrow a term from my ex SUBHUMAN!

 

You are better then that, you deserve better then that, and you will find better then that!!!

 

Sorry for the rambling post its been a hard night.:o Be well Willow and know your not alone.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Trippi,

I have read a lot of your posts and feel for you. Your husband is an *******. You are a sensible lady who worked hard at a relationship where (sorry to say) the man didn't respect you. Let him go my love. I know that words are trite but he sounds a bit of a fanny. Just because you loved him and wanted what we all want (let's face it) you have to say goodbye. I know how it feels to accept the end of a relationship. I've had only 2 in my life. My 'high school sweetheart' (17 - 28) and 2 years later my erstwhile husband (30-39). Oh, I've been seeing another guy for the past 2 years but just called it a day because I don't love him. I'm 42 and don't give a **** because I'm still really attractive an intelligent and could net 'someone' but don't want to because I don't want to just now. Let him go and just see where life goes.

 

But I feel that your problem is that you are unable to holistically see the big picture of your relationship with this man and categorize it. Therefore it just leaves the wound open and fresh.

Willow - I think Trippi offers some great advice. Its bolded above, (sorry Willow and Trippi, still trying to learn how the quote boxed here work).

 

From your postings, you are seeing some limited flaws in your EX and that the relationship for the most part was satisfying. While that may be true, if your stepped back and took away all the emotions and just looked at the "actions". Would you think the same? Meaning, no emotion invested....a man walks away from a marriage of many years with pretty much no explanation. Following that walk away, complete dismissal towards the spous. Is that normal behaviour? Is that behaviour of someone who has character? compassion? a heart? Forgot about that he is your EX and how much you care, just try to step back and look at the scenario without emotion, as if, a stranger relayed their experience to you. Does that help convey what Trippi was saying better? In all our relationships we take on roles whether we do it consiously or subconciously. The book "rebuilding your relationship after divorce" speaks of these various pattenrs. Its only in stepping back and seeing things without emotions, we can see our various patterns.

 

While this is such a painful time for you, you are lovable, you are worthy and you will get through this. However, the depression and teh despair it brings along - can be crippling. Perhaps if you have yet to do so, you may wish to be more open with your counsellor but you may wish to try the exercise to emotionally detach and see the relationship from those lenses.

 

I will share this experience with you....when my counsellor was workign with me at the onset she thought I was experiencing PTSD from my breakup. By our 3rd sesion, she began to suspect it may be more than that and perhaps depression, simply cause I was inconsolable (and somedays still feel this way). I promised that I would go see my doctor for a medical evaluation. The counsellor also suggested I need to find anger with my EX for how he treated me. For myself, I am/was overhwelmed with sadness...could see no anger apart from seeign where he is not a perfect person. Well it wa sitting in that Doctor's office, that I thought why am I here having to seeking meds, take time weekly to see a counsellor cause I feel so broken and he is off with his life without a look backwards in my direction. Anger came out, and it made a difference...sort of like a turning point. I share this with you not because i think meds are bad or therpay is bad (still doing therpay and have yet to rule out the need for meds), but because each of us experiences something to make us step back and look at the relationship from a different angle. For me, it was sitting in that DR waiting room. With that vision, some new healing begins. keep posting.

 

Thanks amac....I've done that, I've let him go. I've spent way too much time living with misery to ever go there again honestly. Too many years of criticism and blame to ever let a man make me feel that way again when I am doing the best I can. I guess at my worst, I can only recall that since I was 12, I always came last....in that I learned that the only person who I could rely on to make me happy...even make me smile...was me.

 

YSS - Honestly, when you look at the big picture, you have to see the sum of all their parts...your role, their role and know what part you play/played. I've had a man ask me what he could do to make me happy....honestly, I can't answer that because sadly, I've no experience with a man wanting to make me happy without expecting something in return ...it was never about me, but what I could do for them. In that regard, I know that this is all a woman is good for when it comes to men. The rest of it...the care, the love, the hurt, the sacrifice mean nothing so why continue to expend the energy? In the end, you just get crucified for it....informed that you are not good enough or that you only cared about them because of the way they made you feel (forgetting that you have feelings too). That just shows me a man who can give but not receive....that too is just sad. There are so many good women and good men out there that have been hurt, taken advantage of..and carry their baggage around like a medal...makes it hard to trust again or believe in anything except what I give myself....it's the only thing I have to keep me from relapse.

 

Willow - I don't know what to really tell you love....getting over someone that you see in your dreams every night....it's hard. I've only recently experienced trying to do this with someone who I had more good times than bad with (an SO), but there just comes a time when you just have to let them go and let them be who they are...be happy for them. There is someone else here tonight sharing your same pain...Tojaz...he's another that has loved and lost...might help to talk to him.

 

Time to shove off for a while...LS can get as exhausting as real life...I will check in, but Willow, I do hope that you will be open and honest with your therapists...it's scary...believe me, where I've been I know. It also means it's a good time to take a break. Hugs...hope things get better for you soon.

Edited September 21, 2010 by trippi1432