dontgetit Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Why is marriage soooooooooo important to women? What does marriage mean to you that you are willing to end a really GREAT relationship if you don't get that ring and piece of paper??? Is it just about having kids or is it more? PLEASE be HONEST! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Free Jewelry. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 kids are a big part of it, nobody wants to have semi-legal kids. there's also the idea of ... "if he doesn't wanna marry me, he must be with me just 'for now'" - i.e. a fear that unwillingness to get married indicates no future plans. also, men have longer lives than women, in some sense. a man can be in his fifties, getting married and starting a new family. that's highly unlikely for a woman - normally they have until 40 or so to play around. (yes, major generalizations, but they explain women's obsession with marriage!). So the fear is - in 10 years, he'll still be a hot commodity, but I won't be, so I want this marriage certificate to feel more secure. i personally don't see any harm in not getting married, but if i were living w/ a guy for a couple of years, i think i'd like him to marry me ... or at least discuss why we won't. my 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Maybe they want the stability. But either way there are tax benefits in the US at least to getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism either way there are tax benefits in the US at least to getting married. There are tax changes, not benefits, married couples usually end up worse off taxwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker There are tax changes, not benefits, married couples usually end up worse off taxwise. No, no thats not true, you can only get certain breaks if you are married filing jointly, my mom is a fed certified tax preparer, so I hear this kinda stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I think religious and social norms condition people to expect that marriage equals committment so if it's missing then you wonder if they mean business - and that's a logical approach to take in many cases. It settles many people, resolving any lingering doubts they have. In my experience this applies to men as much as women. I had a rather odd upbringing so did not have these expectations and was happy to live together until we had kids. Then we got married. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Why is marriage soooooooooo frightening to men? What does marriage mean to you that you are willing to end a really GREAT relationship just so you don't have to buy that ring and sign the piece of paper??? Is it just about having freedom or is it more? PLEASE be HONEST! Seriously. Many people, men and women, want marriage for security, companionship, sex, forming a family, having their kids be legitimate, status (not being a single "loser") and the hope of growing old together. I'm being as honest as I can. Link to post Share on other sites
calithin83 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 To me marraige is impiortant because it shows me that the man i want is willing to spend the rest of his life with me and that he sees me as the right girl to be with....i think that if ive been in a commited relationship with a guy when im like 26+ and if we have been together for 2 years or more i would expect a ring and if hes not willing to marry me it would make me feel that maybe he doesnt really lvoe me and is still curious to be with other women. At this age im not looking for marriage cos im young so even if i was in ac ommitted relationship i dont expect a ring or any talk about marriage -im 20...but if im 26 years or older then i think id expect it... I sure wanna get married and be commited to one person and that -that person is committed to me, and then form a family, share a joint account and later after 2 years of marriage maybe have kids...but anyways this is later in life..right now i dont even wanna think about it...thats to much of a step and if i get married its gotta be someone worthy, and that im 100% sure of cos i dont want to get divorced. so its a big decision! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 When two get married, and they both have incomes, their income is combined and they are put in a higher bracket. My parents are among the est. 40% who find marriage as a taxation detriment rather than a benefit. More information on the "marriage penalty" Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 That is assuming two incomes that are equal, but say one isnt working or has a low income then, there is no penelty, and you said it yourself, 40% have it worse off, but 60% have it better off. Myths of Tax Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Semi-legal children? Are children illegal in Canada if they are born out of wedlock? Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 If one isn't working or can't support themselves, there's their benefit for marrying right there Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 Why women want to get married: 1) Religious beliefs 2) So-called "security", i.e. "NOW my great guy won't dump me for that hot 19yr old!" 3) Legitimize children 4) Tax benefits for 60% of the people ;^) 5) Being able to make legal decisions for spouse if said hubby is in a coma or something 6) "Respectibility," in step with social mores 7) The jewelry, the fairytale wedding, etc. 8) They hate their last name and like yours better (I know, I know, they can legally change it anytime they want!) Now, why is getting married so unappealing for those guys who are already living with their long-time sweeties? Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Here's a woman who NEVER wanted to get married!!! I've been asked numerous times. It just never seemed to "fit" I think for many years I thought I'd meet that one great guy and suddenly I'd want to get married, but you know what? It's just not me. I just don't believe in it....for ME. Look, it's OK for other people. If you like being married and it feels great to you, go for it. For me...no way. I just don't believe in promising my whole life, forever and ever, to anyone. And I AM in a long-term monogamous relationships. I love my BF very much. He is a wonderful lover and friend and this is the longest I've ever stayed with anyone. That said, I still can't promise him forever. People change, lives change, situations change. Someone who made you happy for ten years might not make you happy later in life. Sometimes our values and needs change. I don't have kids and don't plan on having any, so that makes in simpler in some respects. I've never wanted the ring, the wedding dress or the big party. It just never did anything for me. I don't get it, frankly. What in the hell is so great about a big old cake and a big old white dress that you're only going to wear one time? I just don't get turned on by that stuff. If my BF and i are together 20 years or so, maybe on a whim we'll run off to Vegas and do the "i do" thing but I think it would be an ironic, tongue-in-cheek kind of thing if we do. I like honesty above all else. I see too many marriages where there is no honesty.....where it's all about appearance. Screw that Link to post Share on other sites
Wolvesbaned Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 After being bitter a week-or-so I was questioning the whole marriage thing myself. I had spoken to a bunch of women and none seem very happy. The bottom line was: The wife takes care of everything and the husband complies. The women I spoke to pretty much all felt unappreciated. Being jolted out of the "honeymoon phase" after 4 years of marriage, I was feeling pretty bitter. We don't get married and become the lifeblood of the family just to be taken for granted! So I questioned why is it (more likely than not) so? Here's what I came up with: [color=indigo]Factors why some married women feel unappreciated (a generalization): [/color] 1. By nature we are more nurturing, loving & more connected with our emotions, making us more sensitive to our loved ones needs. 2. Our society norms for dating & courting makes us expect the same "dating/romantic behavior" after marriage. But men on the other hand are programmed to act "sweet/romantic" to attract a mate, most are not taught to continue this behavior after they securing a wife. 3. Women are plain too nice for their own good & forget to put numero uno above all else. 4. Happiness is a promise. It's reinforced everywhere, the media, older couples, love stories -- when you get married you promise to make your spouse happy. [color=red]THIS IS THE BIG WRONG-O! [/color] Because we are all human. Your spouse will screw-up and hurt you, & with this logic that would make you unhappy very often. Happiness should be in our hands & not by controlled by another. We all have the power to be happy, it's a subconscious choice that's made everyday. Wheww... OK that was a little off topic Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 We all have the power to be happy, it's a subconscious choice that's made everyday. You are so right. Link to post Share on other sites
Wolvesbaned Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 I agree with CaterpillarGirl & Karlise. Marriage to some is a false security, simply because people change -- we are all still changing by the day. What I feel is the biggest flaw of marraige is the "promise". It is way too easy to take someone for granted if you know they'll be with you forever. But as hideous as that can be, it can also be beautiful. Just be honest and don't take the person you love for granted (it also helps if they do the same) Link to post Share on other sites
LibertyBelle Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 WHAT? I am a woman who finds it's the opposite. The guys I get involved with either want me to move into their house two weeks after we start dating or they propose marriage WAY TOO SOON!!! Men in their 40's who are divorced and single are more antsy and desperate than women. Or maybe it's that I just don't want to get married or rush into committment that makes me more attractive and more of a challenge so men try to rush things quickly with me. I am meeting more and more women who say to heck with getting married - why be someone's maid and cook and sex slave when it's more fun being single and enjoying life. Society puts pressure on women to be married or have the fairy tale wedding. Marriage to me is way overrated. The fastest way to kill great sex is to get married! Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 I think the loss of individuality is very demoralizing to some women. Not for all of them. But for very independent-minded women, suddenly having society perceive you as 'one-half' of a couple (i.e. 'where's your better half?'), the giving up of your last name, the sudden thrust in role of matron, is really unappetizing. A lot of women go through a major identity crisis after getting married. There are some good books on the subject (look for one called 'Marriage Shock' by Anne Roiphe) and some of my closest friends have confided in me....that marriage is really not the fairy tale some would have us believe. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted March 4, 2004 Share Posted March 4, 2004 Marriage IS a partnership. It takes dedication and self-sacrifice. If someone is uncomfortable with making personal sacrifices for the good of their union, then, yes, I'd agree, marriage is not for them. As far as the independence issue goes, I have to ask, independent to do what? What freedoms would you be denied in a marriage that differ from a long-term relationship outside of marriage? the giving up of your last name ...not a requirement for marriage. the sudden thrust in role of matron, is really unappetizing Well, hopefully, it's not that sudden, as I would like to think a woman had spent some time thinking about her new role in life. Also, what's unappetizing about a person who has made a commitment, whose spouse has done the same for her? Your core essence is not changing. Your lifestyle is. some of my closest friends have confided in me....that marriage is really not the fairy tale some would have us believe I think most of us have stopped listening to the Cinderella fairy tales, or at least realized that REAL LIFE is about work. BTW, Karlisle, lest I come off too harsh, the above statements were directed at your theories, not a personal attack on you as an individual. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 I have friends who have gotten married who thought they entered into things with open, well-informed eyes. Again I reiterate...please read "Marriage Shock" It echoes so much of what my married girlfriends have told me. I'm talking about well-educated urban women who did not enter into marriage blindly. They expected to carry half the load, to earn half the paycheck, to deal with issues. They didnt' expect Prince Charming. They also didnt' expect some of the incredibly difficult moments marriage can bring. Marriage brings a lot of joy but a lot of surprises, difficulties, tensions and uncomfortable moments. Marriage can stir up a lot of deep deep issues for people. Marriage is work. Strange, hard work. You must decide over and over again what the most important aspects of the relationship are. For some people, it's companionship. For others, it's raising children. The idea of marriage based on romantic love is a very recent invention of society. Most marriages serve other purposes. Link to post Share on other sites
swtbonita Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 I don't see why people always think it is women that are yearning to get married. What about men? As a mature individual you would realize that you are looking at it in the wrong direction. Women are looking for security, a future and a good life.. whether or not that includes a man or marriage is optional.. when it marriage comes it comes. nowadays women do not think marriage is that important because they can support themselves without a man.. women want companionship and that is what is important to them.. and also of course women also want children.. but they only want children with the right man that will be able to commit. In my relationship, my bf is the one that that brings up marriage, of course we both think marriage is very important and we both want children, we both want the commitment of a marriage, a family and a secure future, and I do not believe that that is unrealistic goal for any individual, either men or women. And if my bf didn't want to get married or was not thinking about our future and about us being married I think I wouldn't be with him.. Because I want all of that... so why would I be with someone who couldn't give me what I want. Thats like saying that you don't want to get married but you would get married and give up being single just because you want to be with that person.. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 I'll just answer this one based on my own personal feelings. I want to get married because of a number of reasons: 1) security 2) having kids 3) lifelong companionship and committment 4) the whole traditional thing...wedding, ring, signing papers making it legal, saying I do in front of people as a formal sign of committment etc (NB I do NOT want to change my name tho! lol!) 5) being willing to take that extra step, beyond simply living with someone...having the guts to make lifelong goals 6) the way I have been conditioned by society and my upbringing probably influences my feelings on the matter too Luckily for me, my guy has similar views on marriage, even though he's already done it once. Hope over experience I guess. I don't expect it to be easy at all. Relationships never are....not the good, true deep ones anyway. That's my view. Link to post Share on other sites
Smalls Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I think just the thought of it is so awesome! I mean being with the same person, not having to date anymore, having a best friend forever, a partner, never being lonley, growing old together, making memories together, and my biggest is sharing the name and the children. Just an over all commitment is a turn on to me. Its a great feeling knowing that a man wants to spend the rest of his like with me. Not ever worrying about dying alone, sleeping alone, or feeling alone. You will have that person there to hold, talk to, cuddle and relate with. What beats that? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts