Is this FWB or other?

[IrishGirl1018]

Hello Everyone:

 

New to this sort of thing. I just need some honest opinions. About 6 months ago I e-mailed some people I would be working with in the Fall. One of them was this guy. He e-mailed me back and we became friends on Facebook. Then within two months, we went from chatting on FB every once in a while, to every two days, to every day. Then we exchanged numbers and we started texting every day. We started calling each other and we would talk for like two-three hours. And the convos were a mix of flirting but also talking about serious things. And we kept saying how excited we were about meeting, he even almost came to my best friends wedding with me but because of money and distance he couldn't. But he kept telling me things like, "I've never liked a girl this much, so soon without even meeting her," or "You're in my thoughts and dreams, I like you so much, etc."

 

So, jump to July. I ended up getting him a job and we met sooner than we thought. And our first day together was like "BAM!" instant chemistry. But later on, during our first night, we were both a little drunk and he mentioned how he didn't want "a relationship right now." So I got upset. He said, "I guess we're going in two different directions" and I went to leave and he grabbed my hand and said, "I don't want to lose you." He explained that since we technically just met, he wanted to get to know me first. So I let it go. We spent more and more time together, went on some dates. And then about two weeks later, he mentioned that he still thinks about his ex. I was furious, but then later allowed him to explain. And he told me about their whole relationship and towards the end it got messy. So he just said "You need to have patience with me." So again, everything was fine and remained fine. We actually grew closer and one night he told me that, "He beyond likes me, but can't say the words he feels yet." And before I left our job to return home he told me that "He knows I am good for him and I make him happy and he will do everything he can to keep it that way."

 

I had an awkward break-up about a year ago. So I don't know if I am paranoid or he's..."just not that into me." He called me right when he got home from a two days bus trip, and we have talked on the phone 3-4 times since we both have been home. He showed me before I left that his phone was broken, so he hasn't texted me as much and we haven't chatted on FB because he doesn't have internet where he is. But I asked him about his feelings and he said that, "I'm not like other guys you have dated. I like you and I want to be with you." I just need some feedback!

[spiderowl]

No wonder you're confused! He sounds like he likes you but is non-committal. I can sort of understand his feelings. If he did feel strongly for his ex then getting involved with someone else is not a good idea, but we all need human contact. He's still not sure how he feels about you, just knows he wants you around. Every time you doubt him (and presumably he feels you may give up on him), he says or does something to hold you there.

 

I can see that this is not enough for you and you want some security in this relationship. I don't blame you. Years ago, I would have stuck with it and waited to see if he became more definite, but having experienced break-ups since and realising I can cope and don't have to put up with things that I'm uncomfortable with, I am less tolerant of uncertainty. I want honesty these days. Uncertainty is natural and probably not something under his control. The question is, can you tolerate it for any length of time? What if this is as good as it gets and he never really commits himself? There is nothing happening at the moment to show him the consequences of this or to trigger any shift in his feelings. Sometimes people only realise what they've got when they are at risk of losing it.

 

I can't really advise you on what to do. I know what I would do, but that's me, with my experience and my feelings. I'd step backwards, let him know I don't feel it's moving anywhere and I'm finding it uncomfortable living with uncertainty now. I'd probably move out. This is a serious move and I'd have to mean it, to intend to live alone again. It may have positive consequences in making him think about his real feelings about me, but they may not be there. Stepping back would do several things: give him the experience of being without me so he could see whether or not it mattered to him; let him know how it affected me and that drifting was no longer an option for me; restore my sense of self and control over my life.

 

I would do this for me, because I wouldn't want to be waiting around at someone else's bidding. I do not know what the impact of this would be on him and the outcome would be unpredictable too. But that's the way things go sometimes: a feeling that one copes with for a while becomes too much and can become demoralising, even feel degrading. Sometimes, one has to act to restore a sense of self-respect. I am not saying this is the situation you are in, just that this is the way I'd deal with it. There may well be a better way. I just feel that sometimes people need boundaries and sometimes they need bridges. You have already provided plenty of bridges, it seems, by sticking with him this long, despite the uncertainty.

[IrishGirl1018]

Thank you so much for the advice. It has been confusing. Once during the summer when we were talking, he had me talk to his niece on the phone and he mentioned something about "this might be a girl I'm dating," he tells me about his future plans, his family, his passions in life. He talks about meeting my parents. We both promised each other we wouldn't date other people during this summer or during the month we won't be seeing each other. So to me, isn't that commitment right there? I don't know. But then he mentions "no labels." Or he tells me, if I ever feel uncomfortable or feel like I want more to talk to him about it. I had a talk with him once, that I was afraid my feelings were more strong and he said that he had equally strong feelings. It's difficult because we don't live in the same state and due to the work we do, we don't know where we will end up after our contracts. It's tough.