What would you think...

[Fallen Angel]

when i read your post, my first thought was "what a sad, needy woman". you are doing everything in your power to get him to pay attention to you. you have sent him probably hundreds of emails. he barely replies. he has asked you repeatedly to leave him alone and yet you continue to email him.

 

my take is he is trying to be kind to you because you come off as a stalker who won't take no for an answer. you claim that he has some desire or love for you, but i think he was initially interested and then when he realized the ramifications of what his actions could do, he pulled back. he realized he did not want to to through with having an affair with you. he realized his wife and children are more important to him.

 

but you kept emailing him, sometimes hateful mean emails.

 

he is probably worried you will contact his wife or come after him in some way so he is just being nice.

 

i believe you need to let this go. your behavior is out of control. no one is making you reply to him. just stop. if you want us to believe you are getting it that there is no relationship, then please stop contacting him and bothering him. leave him alone.

 

why are you seeing him? because you are stalking him? why can't you leave this man alone?

 

he is trying to keep you calm because you have shown by previous behavior that you seem unbalanced and have an unhealthy attraction to him. he wants you to not disrupt his life because of past actions. he sees you can be very hateful and mean in your messages and he knows what you are capable of. he is probably very worried you will upset his life.

 

please leave him alone and get some counseling to help you sort out your unhealthy attraction to this man.

 

and before you start calling me names because of my post, no i am not bitter about anything. i am just trying to respond to what you posted with how i see things.

 

 

***THIS*** (Now where is that LIKE button damnit?)

[Elevation]

Hockey fan I have to correct you, no no no I haven't sent him hundreds of e-mails, there was probably 30 over two years, many of which I received replies to. None of my e-mails were hateful or mean or nasty. In fact they were nice, friendly, caring, brief, with news about stuff, mutual friends I'd seen who asked after him, etc. Yes I told him I missed him and I was sad we'd ended up this way (not speaking) but I'd hardly call it stalking. I appreciate what you're saying though, it was I who was initiating contact to him with not much response back. It's really difficult to explain things clearly on here to complete strangers and I haven't done it too well probably.

 

I have to admit of course it was me initiating contact and not getting that back from him. Hence the wondering what had changed recently. All that has changed from what I can see is that I'd told him I was giving up contacting him and I said he clearly didn't care about me (that WAS a 'mean' e-mail if you like) which seems to have prompted him to start e-mailing again and say sorry.

 

Anyway he could have changed his e-mail address pretty easily in the intervening time if I was such a pain in the neck to him. But he didn't.

 

He's not worried I will contact his wife or upset his life. As I have already said earlier I have no wish to do that and I have all the contact details I would have needed if that was my wish - all the contact details given to me by him I should add, including the home phone number. I wouldn't dream of it. I must have come across as some sort of desperate cling on to you all. I am not. I have gone months without even thinking of him this year, I have been involved with somebody else, a relationship which sadly ended, but I have no shortage of male interest. Before the relationship that just ended (with my recent guy), I have been on several dates in the time since I have known this married guy. I have lots of male friends including many that know both this guy and myself well. And who probably know that something happened between us. They still love me ok! I have not acted like a stalker, just an idiot. I don't understand my unshakeable attraction to this man and my fondness for him, it's just there I am afraid!

 

In response to why am I seeing him soon? No I am not stalking him (thanks) we are going to the same gig where our crowd of friends will all be together, we have tickets near to each other / will be sitting together in the pub before and afterwards etc.

 

I saw him in September 2009 in case you missed that, at a gig which I attended with my fella and he attended with his wife. And lots of mutual friends. He kept out of my way and I kept out of his. So he's not worried that I am about to either flip my lid or throw myself at his feet swearing undying love ok.

 

As I said he is initiating contact again.

 

Anyway not much more to say. The situation is such that nothing is happening which is of use to me or is good for me. I recognise that.

 

The comments on here have helped me enormously to put things in perspective and yes I can see that I am worth more than some half assed e-mail communication from some married man, as someone has so beautifully put it.

[WowReally]

I have his address, his home phone number, his mobile number, his e-mail address, his wife's e-mail address (all given by him - he initially used to write to me from the wife's e-mail before he had his own e-mail, and recently copied us both in on a joke

 

Wow hmmmmmmm not a very funny joke sorry

[Elevation]

Wow hmmmmmmm not a very funny joke sorry

Not quite sure what you mean, do you think he is getting a kick out of it, e-mailing wife and me the same e-mail with both our names clearly visible in the 'To' box (among other friends it went to).

[Elevation]

No more replies please. I have read some of the other threads on here. JJ33 you say that you have wasted at least a year pining for some married guy, but you felt qualified to say that my pining was something only a crazy woman would do, and that he'd only sleep with me if he was sloshed.

Fallen Angel you *like* hockey fan's post that says basically that I am a sad person, even though much of his/her post is factually incorrect and not particularly kindly worded bearing in mind I haven't even met them (hockey fan).

 

Considering that you appear to be in a relationship with a man who is married and there is no hope of him being with you properly, what makes you *like* someone else's pain when clearly you must feel a great deal of pain yourself.

 

Am only asking rhetorical questions, am going to get back to the real world and get off here, thanks to those who tried to help objectively without bringing their own hidden agenda, many thanks.

[torranceshipman]

Well thanks for the compliment, he may spend a night with you if he gets really sloshed, I don't think I would spend a night with anyone who was really sloshed, thanks very much, keep your bitchy comments to yourself if that's the best you can say.

 

And your situation is what, exactly, cheated wife?

 

This post wasn't bitchy, it was a poster trying to help you with good intentions - it isn't nice to be catty back to her.

 

Tbh, you do sound like you are cyber stalking the guy, and he has told you repeatedly that he isn't interested in a R with you, but you won't stop contacting him. I am not calling YOU a cyber stalker - everyone does crazy things for love one time or another - but your behavior is like a cyber stalker. Just give up - he isn't interested in you and this has gone on WAY too long.

[Fallen Angel]

No more replies please. I have read some of the other threads on here. JJ33 you say that you have wasted at least a year pining for some married guy, but you felt qualified to say that my pining was something only a crazy woman would do, and that he'd only sleep with me if he was sloshed.

Fallen Angel you *like* hockey fan's post that says basically that I am a sad person, even though much of his/her post is factually incorrect and not particularly kindly worded bearing in mind I haven't even met them (hockey fan).

 

Considering that you appear to be in a relationship with a man who is married and there is no hope of him being with you properly, what makes you *like* someone else's pain when clearly you must feel a great deal of pain yourself.

 

Am only asking rhetorical questions, am going to get back to the real world and get off here, thanks to those who tried to help objectively without bringing their own hidden agenda, many thanks.

 

I am sorry that you feel so offended by our honesty with you.

 

You came off in your post as stalkerish. If that is not the case, well, then you know that and we are wrong. *shrug*

 

But in your OP you stated that you met a guy one time, struck up an online sex relationship with him, me up with him one time again without having sex, and then he cut contact with you. You then spent the next two years sending him emails to which he almost never responded. That seems stalkerish and sad to me. I stand by my agreement with Hockey's post.

 

I did not like your pain. I agreed with a post that pointed out that what you are involved in is not a relationship, but a fantasy of such that you have built up in your mind to be much more than it ever was, or indeed ever will be, if you are to believe the man who keeps telling you he wants nothing more with you.

 

You may see Hockey's words (and my agreement with them), as unkind. I see them as being as honest with you as possible. Though judging from your posts, being honest with you about what is happening is not going to get anyone anywhere, as you will continue to see exactly what you want to see, even if it is not there.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting, but if you do indeed have other men who are in persuit of you, then that is where you should place your bets. Your MM has already made it abundantly clear that he is not only not going to be in a one-on-one relationship with you, but that he doesn't even want to be your MM.

 

Good luck to you. May you find lasting peace and love.

[Elevation]

Yes I had come to the conclusion myself that he wasn't interested funnily enough, and not worth any more of my time or concern, I am not as daft as I may look, honestly.

 

My original reason for writing on here was to say why, now, is he e-mailing me again out of the blue, and trying to strike up a friendship again, and why has he initiated contact several times... and was there anything to it.

 

I have as a result of some of the answers here decided not to reply to him and then we'll see if he tries again or not, however I have already seen that when I don't answer him, he writes again. I do still feel something for him but whatever his game is, it's got to be a lot more than this anyway if he wants my time and attention.

 

I don't think I want the 'friendship' I just want to draw a line under it all. Funny... I told him this recently and I said to him, I really am not bothered if you write to me or not, maybe it's best we don't... and I meant it... I know I've given too much... and been silly etc... but he writes back again saying he does want us to keep in touch... maybe I am in line to be the fall back girl as they say and things are a little wobbly at home who knows (and no I wouldn't go there again unless he was single, maybe wouldn't even do it then). It's just unsettled me I guess keep getting e-mails from him but it's helped me to realise that replying to him and maintaining contact is not a good idea. I do wonder if his wife knows that we sent sexual e-mails, had phone sex and oral sex and yes he finished it, yet he's contacting me again. I suspect not. I still think whatever you guys may say regards it's never going to happen (with he and I) men don't cheat if they're happy and they don't seek out friendship with a woman who they once had a thing with, if they're happily married, there has got to be a reason for looking elsewhere and especially to go back to a woman (as in pursue contact) that you knew wanted a relationship with you and a woman that would not leave you alone (as you guys put it).

 

I should have mentioned in my original post, we were buddies for quite a while after reconnecting in 2007, by e-mail, and occasionally he would phone me and chat about our common interests, he gave me his number too (home) as I could ring him too if I wanted as it wasn't just about the sex, in fact it was just a friendship at first but then as I said we admitted we liked each other quite a lot.

 

Anyhow thanks again. Case closed. I am putting this to bed (pun intended)...

Edited September 6, 2010 by Elevation

[Elevation]

Just wanted to point out what I mean by some people writing back to me with a hidden agenda, or to be more specific, the issues that they are dealing with personally or have been affected by personally will make the advice and comments they give far from objective, yet they claim they are objective - maybe they think they are, but for instance: hockeyfan posted that his/her comments to me further up on this thread were not because of any bitterness, yet they have just posted this on the infidelity forum:

 

"why is it so 'hard' for a spouse to communicate with their spouse prior to cheating? this is the person they pursued, they fell in love with, their shared their past, they made plans for the future. the person they chose to marry and spend their life with. this is the person they chose to start a family with. this is the person who stood beside them through hard times (such as the death of a parent, a sibling, a child; financial struggles, job problems, depression issues, etc). this is someone they made a commitment to, someone they promised to be honest with. someone they had spent hours upon hours talking to, starting back to dating and through out the marriage.

 

why then is it hard to be honest that they are losing faith in the marriage, losing respect for their partner, losing sexual interest with them, etc. why is it all of a sudden so hard to communicate with them?

 

i know many affair partners state the cheater is always honest with them, and not with the spouse, but why all of a sudden is this person not able to communicate with the person they have spent 5, 10, 15, 20+ years with?

 

do you think this is a valid/accurate statement when a cheating spouse claims this? or do you think it is just another excuse the cheater throws out there?

 

this is something i have never been able to come to terms with or understand".

 

Come on get real HF!! You have had a go at me, whilst concealing the fact that you are struggling to understand why married men have affairs or rather why they don't communicate that they're unhappy, after the greatest love affair ever (from your very wounded and sad stance in the post, I guess it's happened to you which I am sorry for. I have been cheated on by a long-term partner, it was years ago, but it hurt.. been there.. ok ). Now I think I understand your post which lashed out a bit at me. Did you have a marriage which broke down due to infidelity and a woman who 'wouldn't leave your husband alone' I am curious if you'd like to enlighten me please.

 

You're entitled to your opinion of me and women in general who have been involved with anyone married. I don't mean to say I am proud of it, of course not, and it caused me pain after all, but it seems to me that the wife always blames the other woman when she should blame her husband. After all he knew what he was doing. I don't know why the married man doesn't talk to his wife but rather goes after someone else. I don't think it's a good way to deal with things. But you have to remember it's their choice, wrong as it may be, to deal with it that way, and you can't blame the woman he chases for not saying no.

 

My former married man friend who I 'won't leave alone' is still contacting me, still initiating contact. But he's still married. Maybe they are all rat bags.

 

I think this forum quite bullying at times, some posters not all, are quite uncalled for in their manner of addressing others. However there are undoubtedly some very helpful people and some that intend to be helpful but aren't always gentle in the way that they communicate.

 

At the end of the day I don't think I will post on here again but all we are all trying to do is work our way through the minefield that is life and relationships and learn from our mistakes and be a better person, that's what I want anyway.

Edited September 7, 2010 by Elevation

[Silly_Girl]

I really think you need to learn not to take everything so personally.

 

It's a DISCUSSION forum, as well as for SUPPORT, and the world does not revolve around you.

[Elevation]

I really think you need to learn not to take everything so personally.

 

It's a DISCUSSION forum, as well as for SUPPORT, and the world does not revolve around you.

 

Gosh thanks for pointing that out, there was me thinking it did all these years! Disappointed in you sillygirl thought you were one of the good ones, now you've snapped as well. Of course the world doesn't revolve around me, don't know why you said that.

 

I like your posts and what you've posted to me, good luck with your sitch.

Edited September 7, 2010 by Elevation

[jj33]

The forum has a lot to offer if you take it in the right spirit. Most people dont post to upset you (some do but they are few and far between).

 

I apologized as my words obviously struck a nerve and what did I get back, more venom without any understanding of my A or whether it was similar in any way to your situation with this man (and it was not).

 

My point was that regardless of what one shares with someone its never worthwhile to look for what isnt on offer and no matter how you backtrack now, you have clearly been pining for something that doesnt exist.

 

Either hes toying with you or he is seriously confused. Neither one is a good thing.

 

Hope you find some peace.

[Elevation]

Yeah that's ok jj apology accepted and one goes to you too.

What's going on with you, how are you today.

 

Mine I think is confused and I am just going to do nothing. If he's genuinely interested he will show that won't he.

[Ellin]

I really think you need to learn not to take everything so personally.

 

It's a DISCUSSION forum, as well as for SUPPORT, and the world does not revolve around you.

There is a reason why THIS has been brought to attention on this subforum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/

[Silly_Girl]

There is a reason why THIS has been brought to attention on this subforum:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54546/

 

Not sure if you're quoting that at me, Ellin.

 

My point is that Hockeyfan is completely entitled to go and post somewhere else about something that occurred to her in another thread. I've done it a few times. Elevation is being quite narky about that, and making assumptions about motivation etc.

 

HF's post does not necessarily have to be about Elevation at all.

[2themoon&back]

Yeah that's ok jj apology accepted and one goes to you too.

What's going on with you, how are you today.

 

Mine I think is confused and I am just going to do nothing. If he's genuinely interested he will show that won't he.

 

 

i think you are on the right track here... and in the meantime do not let him play with your mind or your heart...you are a person not a past time.

[bentnotbroken]

Just wanted to point out what I mean by some people writing back to me with a hidden agenda, or to be more specific, the issues that they are dealing with personally or have been affected by personally will make the advice and comments they give far from objective, yet they claim they are objective - maybe they think they are, but for instance: hockeyfan posted that his/her comments to me further up on this thread were not because of any bitterness, yet they have just posted this on the infidelity forum:

 

"why is it so 'hard' for a spouse to communicate with their spouse prior to cheating? this is the person they pursued, they fell in love with, their shared their past, they made plans for the future. the person they chose to marry and spend their life with. this is the person they chose to start a family with. this is the person who stood beside them through hard times (such as the death of a parent, a sibling, a child; financial struggles, job problems, depression issues, etc). this is someone they made a commitment to, someone they promised to be honest with. someone they had spent hours upon hours talking to, starting back to dating and through out the marriage.

 

why then is it hard to be honest that they are losing faith in the marriage, losing respect for their partner, losing sexual interest with them, etc. why is it all of a sudden so hard to communicate with them?

 

i know many affair partners state the cheater is always honest with them, and not with the spouse, but why all of a sudden is this person not able to communicate with the person they have spent 5, 10, 15, 20+ years with?

 

do you think this is a valid/accurate statement when a cheating spouse claims this? or do you think it is just another excuse the cheater throws out there?

 

this is something i have never been able to come to terms with or understand".

 

Come on get real HF!! You have had a go at me, whilst concealing the fact that you are struggling to understand why married men have affairs or rather why they don't communicate that they're unhappy, after the greatest love affair ever (from your very wounded and sad stance in the post, I guess it's happened to you which I am sorry for. I have been cheated on by a long-term partner, it was years ago, but it hurt.. been there.. ok ). Now I think I understand your post which lashed out a bit at me. Did you have a marriage which broke down due to infidelity and a woman who 'wouldn't leave your husband alone' I am curious if you'd like to enlighten me please.

 

You're entitled to your opinion of me and women in general who have been involved with anyone married. I don't mean to say I am proud of it, of course not, and it caused me pain after all, but it seems to me that the wife always blames the other woman when she should blame her husband. After all he knew what he was doing. I don't know why the married man doesn't talk to his wife but rather goes after someone else. I don't think it's a good way to deal with things. But you have to remember it's their choice, wrong as it may be, to deal with it that way, and you can't blame the woman he chases for not saying no.

 

My former married man friend who I 'won't leave alone' is still contacting me, still initiating contact. But he's still married. Maybe they are all rat bags.

 

I think this forum quite bullying at times, some posters not all, are quite uncalled for in their manner of addressing others. However there are undoubtedly some very helpful people and some that intend to be helpful but aren't always gentle in the way that they communicate.

 

At the end of the day I don't think I will post on here again but all we are all trying to do is work our way through the minefield that is life and relationships and learn from our mistakes and be a better person, that's what I want anyway.

 

 

And the bolded paragraph is your opinion. Just as others have stated theirs. NOT all wives blame only the AP. Some of us blame them both equally. After all no one had a gun pointed at their heads making them do anything. A wife should blame her husband and for me I blame the ow. She knew he was married(yes he pursued her...until she gave in:rolleyes:), she knew she was married. They knew each others families.

 

Indeed all MM ( and MW) know what they are doing. Funny thing is, so does the AP. In the majority of the cases they do know the person is married. They are looking for a "hit it and quit it" relationship. Or they have met the greatest person, they are just married. You name it, there is a reason for them making the choice to remain in the situation.

 

I don't believe adults should dismiss their responsibility in any choices. That includes the choices and consequences of contributing to hurting anyone. You can take that anyway you need to. From a exBS, from a bitter woman or just from someone on this board.

[Mimolicious]

What I don't understand is why are you expecting people to hold you hand? If they don't, you are lashing back like a spoiled 12 yr old. Name calling and disrespecting people that have been perhaps through worse than you. We only learn from experience and you will learn by crashing and burning.

 

You keep on saying this:

 

My former married man friend who I 'won't leave alone' is still contacting me, still initiating contact. But he's still married. Maybe they are all rat bags.

 

Yet , you keep on responding and entertaining the situation. What are you really doing to make things different? You come across as someone that is getting a joy-ride out of this. Sorry, but it can't be that everyone on here (even people that never agree) see the same thing. You have insisted in lingering around your MM, just that you don't get the results wanted. You wont walk away until you feel like you've had enough or the last laugh.

 

I really question how much you really care about this MM. Is he just a defeated challenge?

 

People do to you what you allow them to. LET IT GO!

[jj33]

See now you are into the spirit of it:)

 

You are judging by your words, an honest and forthright person so it makes no logical sense why as you said so well someone wouldnt communicate their feelings to the one person you would expect them to communicate with - their spouse. Why cheat instead? Why even entertain cheating instead?

 

I wish I could answer that. Some people arent good at owning up to their feelings or if they own up to them in their hearts, they dont communicate them well to their spouses, if at all. Sometimes its the dynamic between the spouses, sometimes they ahve convinced themselves that they are entitled to have it all and all sorts of other reasons which I am sure you have thought of.

 

The bottom line is tho as Desert said so well its unfair to you. Whether he is confused or whatever doesnt matter. You cant be like a ping pong ball going back and forth sometimes he communicates sometimes he doesnt then hes silent then hes in touch.

 

Of course its confusing.

 

And its difficult sometimes regardless of the morality of the situation to be indifferent to someone who you feel you really clicked with.

 

Everyone likes to have a "little friend" (no disrespect to you most of us have been there) who you chat with, text with, whose IMs make you smile. But its not enough and its unfair to you whether he means it unfairly or not.

 

You know you are getting past it when the "why" doesnt matter. Because he can. Because you are fun and attractive and he enjoys it. AND....???

 

When I said I hung on it was over someone I had spent a year with after being friendly with him for several years before. We were practically living together during the week. It took a long time to stop asking why (as his W knew) and start asking why doesnt he just leave me alone when he has nothing to offer me.

 

So its not the duration or whatever its the is this the right situation for you and you have come to the right conclusion.

 

You dont need to be his little pasttime when he feels like communicating. Lots of them do that. And they do that so long as you let them.

 

he has memories of you. He can smile at them;)

[2sure]

This is way too much of yourself, your time, and your emotion spent on a man you spent one night with several years ago. He is not mentioning the "affair" because his take on what happened with you and his contact with you is different than yours. You cannot make him change his mind, you cannot make him understand that it is you he is supposed to be with .

 

He is not wasting your time. You are. Even if he again reaches out to contact you in friendship or because he is concerned you will do something drastic...ignore him. He has to go away. Has to be gone. His contacting you is not an indication that he feels differently than he has told you.

 

Block him. Or simply tell him: Please do not contact me again.

I dont think he will. The trick for you is to not contact him again because his replying to you in any fashion brings it all up again.

[Owl]

Let's break this down to simple basics, shall we?

 

1. What do you want from all of this?- Are you hoping for a full-blown, potentially marriage-type relationship with him? Are you hoping to resume the flirty cyber relationship? What, specifically, is your goal in all of this?

 

2. What are the costs of your goal?- In order to reach the goal you identified in #1, what has to happen? Does he have to divorce his wife first in order for you to become his wife? Does he need to setup a pattern of deception and lies with his wife and family so that he can maintain a secret, illicit relationship with you? What are the potential costs to you? For him? For his wife/family?

 

I get that you're 'interested' in him. But I'm not clear on the depth of your interests, nor do I think that you've thought through what it would take for you to achieve whatever it is that you're looking to come out of this.

[Ellin]

You asked why he started contacting you after you slowed down. My guess would be he got used to the attention you were giving him. Even though he seemed to be annoyed (and probably was) at times, deep down he liked the feeling it gave him - that he was special, irresistible, someone a nice girl would do anything for.

 

Then when your emails started to dry out he missed this feeling.

 

This is what I think happened. But it's not enough for you to hope that anything will change IRL.

 

You're lovely and you I'm sure many single guys would be delighted to have your attention.

 

Take care.

[unspokenwords]

I don't understand my unshakeable attraction to this man and my fondness for him, it's just there I am afraid!

 

In response to why am I seeing him soon? No I am not stalking him (thanks) So he's not worried that I am about to either flip my lid or throw myself at his feet swearing undying love ok.

 

As I said he is initiating contact again.

 

Anyway not much more to say. The situation is such that nothing is happening which is of use to me or is good for me. I recognise that.

 

The comments on here have helped me enormously to put things in perspective and yes I can see that I am worth more than some half assed e-mail communication from some married man, as someone has so beautifully put it.

 

This is a positive post. Sorry to see you got a bit of an ear-bashing but as it's been pointed out it is a discussion and support forum and I think sometimes people come here to unload their problems without really looking in detail at what responses they are likely to get.

 

I posted in the past - a story with a few similarities to yours - denial of an emotional encounter, initiating then withdrawing contact etc etc and I went through all the types of communication you have - being reasonable, trying to sort it out. Mine complicated by the fact I received unsigned emails from a 'fake' account he or his W had set up deliberately to contact me. I spent ages in turmoil trying to work out who they were from and when I confronted him he was weird and tried to pin the blame on his W. I have written loads of emails (nice ones and horrid ones) to that 'fake' account to try and out the sender. I have never found out.

 

I have had NC with him for a long time but still hear of him and may even have to face him again at some point. When I posted I was quite taken aback at how much 'advice' I was given and how much it hurt - of course some of it was good advice and some was bad.

 

I understand the frustration you have about the unfinished nature of what you experienced from him. You have every right to feel whatever you want for him. They are your feelings and I think it's not wrong to wonder about his motives etc the way you do. I don't blame you for replying to him when he contacts you... I can understand that. Perhaps he doesn't even know or can't admit to himself why he does it. I am sure he is not happy in his marriage - otherwise this would never have been an issue for him - he would have stayed right away.

 

His behaviour needs an explanation which he chooses not to give you for probably loads of reasons. You may never know - if you are lucky you will find out. Either way you will move on - if nothing else because life pulls you along - however perhaps a part of you will always feel this way. I hope you find happiness - because you are obviously a nice person and you deserve it..

[Elevation]

This is a positive post. Sorry to see you got a bit of an ear-bashing but as it's been pointed out it is a discussion and support forum and I think sometimes people come here to unload their problems without really looking in detail at what responses they are likely to get.

 

I posted in the past - a story with a few similarities to yours - denial of an emotional encounter, initiating then withdrawing contact etc etc and I went through all the types of communication you have - being reasonable, trying to sort it out. Mine complicated by the fact I received unsigned emails from a 'fake' account he or his W had set up deliberately to contact me. I spent ages in turmoil trying to work out who they were from and when I confronted him he was weird and tried to pin the blame on his W. I have written loads of emails (nice ones and horrid ones) to that 'fake' account to try and out the sender. I have never found out.

 

I have had NC with him for a long time but still hear of him and may even have to face him again at some point. When I posted I was quite taken aback at how much 'advice' I was given and how much it hurt - of course some of it was good advice and some was bad.

 

I understand the frustration you have about the unfinished nature of what you experienced from him. You have every right to feel whatever you want for him. They are your feelings and I think it's not wrong to wonder about his motives etc the way you do. I don't blame you for replying to him when he contacts you... I can understand that. Perhaps he doesn't even know or can't admit to himself why he does it. I am sure he is not happy in his marriage - otherwise this would never have been an issue for him - he would have stayed right away.

 

His behaviour needs an explanation which he chooses not to give you for probably loads of reasons. You may never know - if you are lucky you will find out. Either way you will move on - if nothing else because life pulls you along - however perhaps a part of you will always feel this way. I hope you find happiness - because you are obviously a nice person and you deserve it..

 

Thank you for this post and all the others. My original reason for writing on here was to say why, now, is he e-mailing me again out of the blue, and why is he trying to strike up a friendship again, and why has he initiated contact several times... and was there anything to it. I am writing with an update. For the last few months he has been e-mailing me quite often, nice chatty e-mails, and jokes, and his thoughts about our big common interest (which was how we met). I asked him by e-mail this weekend outright, if he was happy in his marriage, if he really loved his wife and if he thought that he was with the right person. I was trying to find an answer for the renewed contact from him. I said I was not going to contact him again if I had a reply which told me he was happy. Well I got the most hurtful e-mail back. Yes he was more in love than ever with her, things just get better and better, he'll be with her forever and and they just get happier as a couple etc. I have never had answers about why he chased me in the first place, why he cheated, why he cut contact, then resumed it, and I guess I will never get any. My reason for this update is that I would say to anyone thinking of getting involved with anyone married, DON'T. It will most probably leave you battered, bewildered and heartbroken no matter how nice they seem. Mine was fantastically lovely and attentive. BUT he isn't lovely and he isn't fantastic. No one who cheats and lies is. And who drops someone just like that. He is a cruel selfish arrogant pig who just wanted his cake and eat it. I don't know why he felt the need to re-establish contact, he even said how dear I am to him the other week, only to stick the knife in again, but there you go, I think I was just an ego boost. I am free of it now as painful as it is right now I do not want him anymore or to hear from him, see him or hear of him. It's taken a long time! Look how it can make you lose you mind, I think I lost mine as I thought so much of this guy and I can see posts still coming on here from women who've almost been driven crazy by married men.

 

To walk away though you have to be READY to walk away and start loving yourself and respecting yourself more than you love him (in my case he deserves no love at all). It can be a long tough journey. Better not to go there in the first place, but I did and it's the biggest mistake of my life. Just have to forgive myself now for what I put myself through and what a fool I made of myself over someone who wasn't worth it. Gotta feel sorry for his wife really who is completely in the dark.

 

Thanks for all comments. I wish all of you well.

[woinlove]

Thank you for this post and all the others. My original reason for writing on here was to say why, now, is he e-mailing me again out of the blue, and why is he trying to strike up a friendship again, and why has he initiated contact several times... and was there anything to it. I am writing with an update. For the last few months he has been e-mailing me quite often, nice chatty e-mails, and jokes, and his thoughts about our big common interest (which was how we met). I asked him by e-mail this weekend outright, if he was happy in his marriage, if he really loved his wife and if he thought that he was with the right person. I was trying to find an answer for the renewed contact from him. I said I was not going to contact him again if I had a reply which told me he was happy. Well I got the most hurtful e-mail back. Yes he was more in love than ever with her, things just get better and better, he'll be with her forever and and they just get happier as a couple etc. I have never had answers about why he chased me in the first place, why he cheated, why he cut contact, then resumed it, and I guess I will never get any. My reason for this update is that I would say to anyone thinking of getting involved with anyone married, DON'T. It will most probably leave you battered, bewildered and heartbroken no matter how nice they seem. Mine was fantastically lovely and attentive. BUT he isn't lovely and he isn't fantastic. No one who cheats and lies is. And who drops someone just like that. He is a cruel selfish arrogant pig who just wanted his cake and eat it. I don't know why he felt the need to re-establish contact, he even said how dear I am to him the other week, only to stick the knife in again, but there you go, I think I was just an ego boost. I am free of it now as painful as it is right now I do not want him anymore or to hear from him, see him or hear of him. It's taken a long time! Look how it can make you lose you mind, I think I lost mine as I thought so much of this guy and I can see posts still coming on here from women who've almost been driven crazy by married men.

 

To walk away though you have to be READY to walk away and start loving yourself and respecting yourself more than you love him (in my case he deserves no love at all). It can be a long tough journey. Better not to go there in the first place, but I did and it's the biggest mistake of my life. Just have to forgive myself now for what I put myself through and what a fool I made of myself over someone who wasn't worth it. Gotta feel sorry for his wife really who is completely in the dark.

 

Thanks for all comments. I wish all of you well.

 

Good for you for asking a direct question, rather than just assuming he was feeling what you were feeling. Who knows why he contacted you, but whatever, it seems he wasn't trying to put himself in your place and imagine what stirring up those feelings would do.

 

And good for you for respecting and loving yourself and learning from this.