Am I a fool or a good husband?

[1151]

This is my second post. I was overwhelmed by the immediate replies that I received. I would like to first thank all of you for your words of wisdom. They helped me through another couple of days.

 

Not quite a week has gone by since this whole thing surfaced. Today was the first day that I didn't shed a tear although my mind runs constantly. My wife and I are still together. It is almost like nothing happened. This kills me. I know that she has difficulty sleeping. I know that deep inside she must know that what she did was wrong. My wife is a very strong minded person. I do not think that it would be as easy for her to open up as I did. I do not address the problem with her anymore. As difficult as this is, I'm waiting for her to bring it to me. I don't want this to be our only conversation when we see each other. There is also my 5 year old son to worry about. I have spoke with my councelor. Once again she hears only one side of the story. I actually feel more comfortable writing to you.

 

Here is my problem...When I first knew that there was something wrong and I started councelling, I drew a line and said that I would wait for my wife for a lifetime as long as I knew that her intentions were good and that there wasn't someone else invovled. Well now I've met that point and I still want her as my wife. I love her much more than I can describe in this post. The only relationship that I can actually prove so far is a bunch of phone calls to and from this guy. Probably for the past 4 or 5 months. She told me that she has not been having an affair with him. Her definition of an affair is sleeping with him. I very much want to believe her. I do not see my wife as being unfaithfull however I also never invisioned her with another man at all. I don't know what I would do if I found out anything further. I say that I would not accept it and break off the marriage. Then I realize that we are all just human and that I don't love her any less. I'm just crushed. I think that if we just both learned from this, stepped around it, and built a stronger realtionship that I could live with that. I tell myself that I won't dig any deeper. So far I haven't. This is not easy. The trust thing would appear to be harder to cope with than finding out about an affair. Things as little as her coming home from work a couple of minutes late or a car driving by the house and beeping the horn drives me crazy. If I had my way I would throw our cell phones out the window. The sound of a nextel phone beeping takes what feels like years off of my life.

 

I have two questions that I need help with. The first is how long do I wait before I bring this whole thing up again? I don't know if I am ready for it again yet. I really want to give her the opportunity to come to terms with herself and then approach me. I realize that a week isn't nearly long enough. I just need a sign that she halted this other relationship and is now working on us. My next question is kind of strange. I know that within the next few days our phone bill is going to be delivered in the mail. I know that there is going to be numerous phone calls on it to him. Do I open the bill and confirm what I already know or do I leave it unopened on the counter and let her know that I don't need to find out anything further and "lets just start getting beyond this"?

 

While we have been talking for the past few days, she has made references to the future and about future events that would include the two of us. She does this without hesitation. I'm looking at this as a good sign, but I don't want to be nieve

to the whole thing.

 

There is so much more that I could tell you. This is so much easier than than speaking face to face and getting upset.

 

Am I wrong for loving my wife and family so much that I could forgive her for what she has already done and might have already done? One thing that my councelor told me is that so far all I know is that they have spoken on the phone alot and that a phone call is not adultry....it's just a phone call.

 

Once again....Thanks for listening. I'm sure I'll be back.

 

1151

[befuddled11]

Sorry, I must have missed your previous post and I can't seem to find it. If you can provide the link (address) to it, then I would be glad to read it, so that you don't have to go and waste your time rewriting a bunch of pertinent details.

 

So far I've gathered that your marriage was rocky (is this correct?) and THEN you found out that she's been talking on the phone, for several months to some guy? Yes/no?

 

So how do you think she met this guy? Online?

 

Secondly, I think your counsellor is a bit out to lunch to tell you, in your situation here, that talking on the phone isn't adultery. Okay, so generally it's not adultery......BUT if a spouse is spending a helluva lot of time, behind their spouse's back, talking on the phoen to someone of the opposite sex, that would at the very least indicate some form of "emotional infidelity"........because they're obviously sneaking around and confiding in someone else other than their spouse.

 

As for what you should do when the cell phone bill arrives, I don't think you should just ignore it. What would be the good in that? I guess I'm a firm believer in knowing all the facts of a situation, even if it's a hurtful situation. Your wife deserves to be confronted and made aware that you're not a fool here.

 

Am I missing anything? Did I misunderstand anything?

 

What ages are you roughly?

 

How long married?

 

Where does this other dude live, closeby or far away?

 

Does she spend hours at a time talking to him? If so, seeing how you've mentioned having a 5 yr old, who is looking after your son when she's on the phone with this dude?

[brashgal]

Phone calls, many phone calls, show evidence of him providing emotional support and could be construed as an emotional affair. Many people think this is as bad, if not worse, than a physical affair (adultery). I'm not sure why your counsellor differentiates. And if you feel she isn't doing you any good, get another counsellor who makes you feel more comfortable talking about this.

 

If you've been crying every day you are probably still too emotional to talk about this with your wife without the conversation escalating. It might be wise to wait a little while, especially since she talks about things in your future without hesitation. I think that is a good sign.

 

I think you should leave the phone bill unopened. You know there are probably going to be calls to him on it and it is going to tear you up. It's next month's phone bill I'd interested in seeing. Hopefully by then you'll have had a conversation with her about how you feel.

 

I know how painful this is. Hang in there.

[uriel]

I hope I can provide you with some comfort. I'm a woman who had an emotional affair. I'd been married to a wonderful man for over 10 years. We had no children, but were best friends with a strong commitment. Neither of us had ever strayed.

 

I met the other man through business at an especially stressful period in my life. I was feeling very down about myself. He charmed me and made me feel wonderful -- the way someone else can in the beginning of a relationship. I shallowly fell for this form of romantic attention that was masked as platonic friendship. I thought I was in love with him in a way I wasn't with my husband.

 

I tried to compartmentalize my life and affections, keeping a special relationship with the other man on one side and leading the usual life with my husband on the other. I would talk about our future (my husband's and mine) together etc. without reflection, just as I always had. I felt horribly guilty; I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I was so hungry for the sort of affection and attention the other man was giving me, I didn't want to live without it.

 

I was willing to make accomodations that disrespected myself and my husband. The secrecy alone is such an accomodation. Then too were some of the things I said to him that I would not have been willing to say in front of my husband. These are both measures of an emotional affair. That your wife was willing to do this when you share a child (something that ended my affair -- I wouldn't have gone so far) suggests how much she relied upon the emotional fix she got from this other man. She was willing to make that accomodation -- and it's telling, since it's even more serious.

 

The emotional affair is so seductive because it happens gradually. Your wife was probably hooked before she quite realized it. Once she knew, she lacked the strength to get out because she wanted whatever that was so badly. You honestly can't trust her until she's rebuilt herself and her life until she has that. Your relationship can't entirely provide that; it has to come from her.

 

Your relationship does need some work, however. It's likely that you've fallen into a pattern of neglecting one another's emotional wants (and maybe needs too) as you take care of business. Some of this is normal and usual, especially with busy couples who work and have children. However, some of it has begun to erode the bond between you -- for her, even if you haven't felt that. That you haven't felt it means she hasn't shared that with you, either because she's felt you'd be unresponsive, she didn't want to admit it to herself, or she was surprised into the realization. Perhaps a mixture of this and more.

 

Will you be able to trust her again? Yes -- after a testing period and lots of work. My husband and I have worked on this for three years. I got help -- individual counseling. I rebuilt my life from the inside out. We're more tender and kind toward one another, even though our lives are still equally busy.

 

I now think the other guy was a huge jerk. He'd done this with other married woman -- although I was his first nonphysical affair. He likes the control and distance he can achieve with them. Nice, huh? Consider what kind of man does this with a woman who is married and has a child. He's not honorable, at least he's not behaving honorably in this situation. If he really cared about her, he wouldn't have helped her along to confusing herself and messing up her family. Of course, I'm mortally ashamed of what I did and let him do.

 

If your wife's going to commit to your marriage, she needs to acknowledge she had an emotional affair. She needs to admit it was wrong, apologize to you, and get help if she can't rebuild her self-esteem and her life on her own. You probably also need couples therapy unless you are willing and able to have the intensely honest and often painful discussions about what you haven't been working on. She also has to be willing to face your lack of trust and your anger. You're not allowed to beat her over the head with that forever, but you're allowed to feel it and express it, especially in the early stages of this shock and betrayal.

 

If she won't face up to this and how it impacts you and your relationship together, then you should reconsider staying in the marriage. Don't give up too soon, however. There's hope for recovery, and you've a beautiful child together. He's even more innocent in this than you are.

 

--uriel

[Arabess]

That was a wonderful post Uriel. I'm sure it really helped the original poster. I hope everyone has the opportunity of reading it and understanding BOTH sides. Thanks.

[Reckless]

Yes, that was an outstanding post by uriel, especially her points on rebuilding the marriage. 1151, one thing that 'bothers' me a little in your post (and I may not be understanding the situation completely) is that you still seem to be posing an awful lot of questions.

 

If your wife's emotional affair is now out in the open surely the road to recovery is that you both discuss the situation.

I take it it's only been a week, so I completely understand being in shock but as uriel stated, there is so much work that needs to be done to reestablish trust and intimacy. It's not a race and there is no 'timetable' but your post made me wonder if you were both willing to rip up the carpet and see what's underneath or not.

 

You still are not reassured that the relationship was not physical. You don't know how long it lasted whatever it's nature. She has not admitted to an emotional affair and you only presume at the moment that she feels 'deep down' that what she did was wrong. You don't know if she's ended the 'affair' (and are tempted to go through her mail to get reassurance/confirmation). You aren't sure if she is fully committed to repairing your marriage and speak in terms of 'good signs' that she is. So many questions, too many to let lie for too long unanswered.

 

Are you wrong for being fully committed to your family? Of course not. For loving her despite what may have happened? No. But as uriel explained so well, you are both going to have to do the work required to make it better, discuss possible (emotional) neglect on your part, define the boundaries for your relationships with others and face up to the damage done.

 

You ask how long do you wait before you both get to work? No one can answer that but like an abscess that is causing pain, I'd think sooner rather than later. What about the upset and the anger? Well I hope uriel won't mind me quoting her...She also has to be willing to face your lack of trust and your anger. You're not allowed to beat her over the head with that forever, but you're allowed to feel it and express it, especially in the early stages of this shock and betrayal.

 

So no, don't go through her mail looking for clues, put it unopened on the coffee table and discuss what has happened and how you both feel about it, come up with a plan to get the trust back; you clearly love your wife so success is possible, in any case it's what I wish for you both.

 

R.

[Atlas]

I found this site by accident about a month after my husband and I divorced (actually sep. since the divorce is not final). It seems my husband must have spent some time here posting and/or reading and I became consumed with trying to find words that I could imagine were his. Consumed with wondering what he was saying about me.

 

I have not posted in the past but will go out on a limb here and do so since I feel that I could offer some "been there, done that" info to 1151.

 

I became involved with another man during my marriage. I don't know why I did, but I did. It was both physical and emotional and I found it very rewarding. He knew that I was married when the affair began and he tried to end it when the physical part became emotional but I wouldn't allow it, I promised him that it was what I wanted, that he was what I wanted. Heck it was the truth. I no longer was in love with my husband and I knew that for some time, I guess this guy was my excuse for doing something about it.

 

My husband eventually found out about the affair after I was spotted in a public place with "him" by a friend of my husband. My affair abruptly ended after my husband proved to himself that he was a man and went after the other guy. I did not end the affair, nor did I want to. THe OM left me because he didn't want any more trouble. Guess what, maybe my husband felt better about himself but I now disliked him even more!

 

After the "incident" between the guys my husband did his best to show me how much he loved me. I was greatful for that, but I just didn't love him anymore and no matter what he said or did it didn't change that. I was ready to move on. I was afraid to tell him that because I figured I would be the next person he would "beat up". I went along day to day just existing.

 

Eventually my husband decided that he was going to move out. I was overjoyed although I did not tell him this. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him and/or risk what the results of my doing so would be. What a relief it was for me to have him do what I had wanted to do. I guess I was a big fat scardy cat and probably would have continued being with him, happy or not. I may have even moved on to another affair - who knows.

 

anyway - your questions- how long do you wait? That depends on what it is your waiting for. you want her to confirm that her 'emotional relationship' with the other guy is over. will this make you feel better , her fell better? both of you feel better?

I found that not once did my husband care about what I felt and what I wanted. He only cared about what he wanted and what was good for him. I can't now imagine what he was thinking (why I keep searching these boards) he would gain by forcing me to be with him, this is what I felt like he was doing to me.

so- wait as long as YOU want to. she may decide that she wants to make it work, or she may be where I was and waiting for an out. as far as the phone bill - look at it, you know you want to. What difference does it make. If the fact that she calls this guy is out in the open already why should this even be an issue.

 

when you say that she makes reference to future things together what kind of things are they? dinner out one night? or having children? it does make a difference in thinking this is a positve sign that she wants it all to work. Just doing day to day things doesn't mean that a future exists.

 

I have enjoyed reading all the responses to your post and don't want to discourage you from doing what you think is right. I see much good advice and support for you. I just felt compelled to tell you that I was in a similar situation to the one you describe, only not on your side of the fence and felt that it might be nice to have someone tell you that it isn't always fixable. Reality is that as painful as things may seem, it is not the end. Life goes on.

 

It is never easy to end a relationship - it is worse to stay in an unhappy one to please others.

 

good luck to you 1151

Atlas