This is why you feel so bad after a breakup

[chocolate_boy]

I posted this 5 years ago, but figured it would be worth a repost!

 

 

 

Found this article on the web, makes very interesting reading, especially if like me, your ex is out with a new partner just weeks after you split, explains a bit of their psychology, and also proves you don't have to do anything, just ride this out.

 

It's from a psychology book...

 

 

"Ive spent the last few days at work reading an entire medical libary worth of pshcology books trying to figure heartache out. Please PLEASE read this post, when you get to the end I guarentee you will feel better. I know its long but it will really be worth it in the end.

 

The science behind heartache is relatively simple; its simply the minds way of dealing with a sudden change in our lives that we have no control over. The mind will do anything to keep us in our "happy reality" which is the state of mind we are in when we are happy. When something happens to threaten this happy reality, such as pressure at work or money problems we become what is known as "stressed".

 

This means there are factors in our lives which threaten out happy reality and which we cannot control (or can control but are unable to see how to) and we become stressed. Now take being dumped: our happy reality is not only threatened it is destroyed. The mind reacts intially with numbness (to protect you from the powerful emotions asociated when the mind first begins to absorb such a threat to your happy reality).

 

Then your mind sets about doing everything it possibly can to keep you in your happy reality, such as making you beg and plead. Then if this doesnt work you may become scared as your mind simply cannot cope with the loss of your happy reality. In some cases your mind will simply become "overcome" with the pressure associated with trying to repair your happy reality (now in tatters) and at this point we enter denial, i.e. tell ourselves that our happy reality was not in anyway related to the relationship we have just lost. Sometimes the mind simply creates a new "pseudo-happy reality" which could be in the form of overly attempting to enjoy single life or a relationship with another person.

 

Overtime, a pseudo-happy-reality will become shadowed by a new happy reality which is being formed unconciously as your concious mind geniunely feels happy in its "pseudo-happy-reality". Overtime this person may become "conflicted" or "confused" about their lives, as the happy and pseudo-happy realities battle to take dominance in your life.

 

For people who do not develop a "pseudo-happy-reality", after a break up (and it could be even after a FEW MINUTES OF A BREAK UP) your subconcious mind sets to work trying to adapt to its new "view" on life. It slowly starts to build you a new happy reality, but remember this is your subconcious - so you cannot simply sit down and think about what you would like your new happy reality to be, your subconcious will decide for you. This works out for the best in the long run, because your subconcious mind knows you better than you do. In time your mind starts to accept the new happy reality being created subconciously and you start to live a life in which you feel genuinely feel happy with.

 

Now the above is a summary of the huge and massively complicated science of heartache and I have come up with some theories of my own below:

 

1) When you are first dumped your mind will do anything to save its happy reality (i.e. begging your ex) however once your mind realises it is no longer in a postion to save its lost happy reality, it can begin creating you a new REAL one. Now lets say you stay in close contact with your ex or stay friends. Your mind will simply stay at the stage of trying to save the lost happy reality rather than trying to create a new one. This could be why going no contact helps us to heal so well.

 

2) After a split, it seems best to take time out and try to get to know ourselves better. Take time trying new things, meeting new people as this helps your subconcious mind create a new happy reality for you. If you jump into a rebound realtionship you will simply have a "pseudo-happy reality" which will simply lead to you feeling depressed, conflicted or even agressive for unknown reasons because as your subconcious creates you a new real happy reality, it will clash with your pseudo-happy reality which is your rebound relationship. This could be why rebound relationships are usually doomed to failure.

 

The most important thing to take from this post is to know that the pain of a break-up is your minds why of dealing with the loss of your happy-reality. You can take comfort in the fact that even in the few minutes after a break-up your subconcious is busy creating a new happy reality for you. If you find yourself saying "I dont know how to be happy without her/him" then your 100% correct. Your concious mind doesnt know how to be happy, however each and everyone of us has a subconcious mind which knowd EXACTLY how to be happy without her/him and given time this will lead to you being happy again."

 

Cool huh?

[LoveTruthChaos]

Yes, I understand that, and it is a good post. The part about rebound relationships...well, I wish that was the case with my ex. You see, my ex was not just cheating on me, but BUILDING a solid relationship with someone else months, if not a year before he left me, and I'm sure that they will be together for a very long time. It's almost as though he was in a relationship with both of us in parallel. I wish that the above post related to him, but unfortunately some betrayals are very hard to overcome.

[skydiveaddict]

, however each and everyone of us has a subconcious mind which knowd EXACTLY how to be happy without her/him and given time this will lead to you being happy again."

 

Cool huh?

 

 

 

I wish I could agree with you and your book. But after a time you come to realize that "love" is a complete fantasy. You can read all the self help books you want but it can't change the reality that some of us will never find love and no book will ever change that.

[Tryingtorebuild]

Ironically I came across this article a week or so before the ex and I split.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/07/12/rejected.love.addiction/index.html?iref=storysearch

 

Basically the study shows that brain activity of someone happily in love provides similar reaction to the rush of a nicotine or cocaine ...really uplifting stuff...

[PegNosePete]

it can't change the reality that some of us will never find love

If you give up looking then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.