Trying to get him back, don't know if this is the way

[Glors1116]

When my fiance broke up with me a few weeks ago, he said we could be friends. The breakup was out of the blue, one day he loved me the next day he claimed he didn't. Fine. If that's how he feels. He said he'd call me in a few days, but as expected, he didn't. The whole time I was miserable, jumping every time the phone rang, hoping it was him, but I wasn't trying to keep the phone lines open in case he called either. I only broke down once and called while he was at work so I could leave a message on his machine at home. But after that, I promised myself no phone calls, no emails until he contacted me first. The only thing I did want to send him was a letter detailing my thoughts, because I felt it was the only way I would be able to tell him without losing control over my emotions over the phone or having him delete it over email.

 

I knew it was the only way I could get on with my life, so in that letter, I expressed to him how I felt, highlighting why I loved him, what I missed most about him and that all I want is for him to be happy. And if being alone is truly going to make him happy, then so be it. But I also told him that I would always love him and have a special place for him in my heart. I hand wrote it, mailed it to him and promised myself I would never bring up my feelings to him again, if he ever spoke to me again.

 

Well, before he received the letter, he emailed me. And when I did not respond immediately, he emailed two days later to see if I got the first message. Strangely enough, I hadn't checked my email in a few days because I was busy and didn't even get a chance to respond for several days. So it would appear that I was playing games. I don't play games, and neither does he.

 

So there have been a few emails over the weeks and he even called me once. That caught me by complete surprise and talking to him made me so incredibly nervous. I tried to keep things light, not dwelling on anything that made me unhappy and I tried to show him that I was the person he originally fell in love with.

 

Last night, I called him up, and he actually sounded happy to hear from me. He told me that he had just emailed me, not five minute before I called. I didn't know that, of course, but he probably thought I called because he emailed me. Who knows. In any case, the conversation went well, but platonic. I had called with the intent of keeping it short and telling him I had to go, but I botched that up and it came across as forced. Or maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

 

I checked my email after we hung up and the email was so mechanical and unfeeling. I don't know what I expected. But the initial email he had sent me were platnoic but at least he told me about what was going on in his life. He even asked me to write back, to please keep writing, etc. But the one from last night, and the one from before seemed cold and inpersonal, merely answering my questions. The only difference I can see is that he might have read my letter that I mailed him in between. I mean, I thought a heart felt letter would at least show him how I feel, not push him further away.

 

The only thing about last night's email was that he imitated my way of writing the email. I don't know if it was on purpose or unconciously, but I usually put spaces between my paragraphs and he usually writes all his thoughts into one paragraph. Last night, he wrote the way I do, and then he signed his name, which he did not in his previous emails. And he wrote, "Talk to you soon," the way I did, when before, he had "talk to you later." I don't know if it means anything.

 

I think I'm just putting all my thoughts out here, and I'm probably over analyzing. I don't think he's playing games with me, since he has not mentioned changing his mind or getting back together. But I do want nothing more than to get back together with him. I think he got scared and it hurts, but I am willing to wait for him. I figure if he's still talking to me, I have a chance. If he hasn't sent all my stuff back to me, I have a chance. If I let him initiate all conact first, I'm not pushing him away.

 

I realize the no contact rule is in place to help yourself get over the trauma. I realize that the advice for getting your ex back is identical to getting over your ex - just presented in a different context. I think it just depends on which way you're more likely to accept it. What do they say - remain positive because it's easier to like a positive person? People don't understand that when they tell me there are other men out there, I really don't care. I know I'll have no problem getting another man. But I already know which one I want, and I am willing to wait as long as it takes...

[Darkangelism]

You know which one you want, but that one doesn't seem to want you. So the course of action that is least painful is total sepeeration, no contact then go find a new man.

[befuddled11]

First of all, you're being far, FAR too nice and accomodating and available to someone who had previously proposed marriage to you (you said he was your fiance), but then "out of the blue" (and for no reason that I can see in your post) ended your relationship. That's just a really stinky, rude thing to do.

 

Do you have ANY idea WHY he ended your relationship? You must have some idea, yes/no?

 

What ages are you both?

 

How long had you been together? How long engaged?

 

You have to be strong and tough and reach deep down inside and find some anger and strength. Sounds strange? Well...instead of spilling your heart out to a jerk that dumped you and gave you no apparent explanation...instead of telling him you'll love him forever, will have a special place in your heart for him and that you want him to be happy even if it means not being with you....you need to get a grip and realize your self worth and and self esteem. You, me, everyone is worth more than to be dumped, out of the blue, for no apparent reason.....without even an explanation or apology. That's the really sh*tty way to (mis)treat someone.

 

You need to step back from this situation and put yourself in the position of an "outsider looking in."

 

If what's happened to you was happening to a family member or close friend, what kind of advice would you give them? Wouldn't you likely tell them they're worth so much more than to be dumped by a coward who didn't even have the respect to sit down and communicate the problem(s)?

 

You gotta be tough. No more being sweet and gushy-mushy...telling him how you feel. All that does is sends him the message that you're a pushover and that you don't mind having your heart trampled over, and that he'll always be the cat's a$$ to you. Yuck. That's not the kind of message you want to be sending someone who treated you so poorly.

 

Ignore him.

 

Screen your calls.

 

Don't email him.

 

Don't respond to any of his past/recent emails.

 

As far as he's concerned, fall off the face of the earth. No contact at all.

 

And this "sh*t" of his, a few weeks after he dumped you, about "being friends"....what a crock. Talk about having balls. He dumps his fiance, out of the blue, without an explanation, likely knowing he hurt you badly and devastated you and confused you.......then he wants to "be friends"? Screw that. He doesn't deserve your friendship.

 

 

So is there more to why he ended your engagement/RELATIONSHIP??

[Reckless]

Glors, the only thing I would add is that regardless of WHY he left, he left you. That is the point - implicit in that action is the statement "I no longer want to be with you, you no longer make me happy and I want to be with somebody else. I may or may not have that 'somebody else' in mind but whoever it is, it aint you.'

 

You analyse his every move, each breath he takes, each word he utters, stop it and analyse what he's done. You say that the action of 'trying to get someone back' and 'trying to get over someone' are similar - granted when someone becomes truly unavailable they usually also become desirable - but remember someone that desires you doesn't necessarily love you and if this man loved you he wouldn't have put you through this kind of hell because he (and I'm quoting you here) 'got scared'....

 

Save yourself and do not agree to this 'let's be friends' twaddle. You need the distance so don't agree to anything else as a strategy to get him back; apply Beffuddles post to the letter and with time you'll be in a position to analyse what has happened and eventually see that he was not the man for you. I don't care why you did it, kicking me in the teeth and say 'let's be friends' puts you in my 'wobbly looser @sshole' book and the guy should be analysing the boot of your left foot!

 

Be strong(er)

R.

[rich_1517]

Dont let the negatives you see here get you down.

 

However, you have to cut this guy off, for your sake. Dont respond to his calls or email. His words and actions dont match. what he may be thinking or feeling doesnt matter, you have to face what he said. its over. If you truly think you can be freinds now then do it, but it will come at the cost of you heart and he will take advantage of it because he thinks its ok to be "just freinds". I have never seen that work out right away.

 

I wouldnt say no hope here, but i would use "no contact" to let him sit with his decision and see if her likes it. It sounds like you have been a big emotional support for him, in my book that goes with the relationship. So withdraw in the form of not being available.

 

Its not a game, its taking care of yourself, he wont at this point and anything you do to "control" his decision will only drive him further away. look for no contact on this site or enotalone.com that will help you to understand maybe the dynamics going on.

 

I would be not home for at least a month. there is no game to blowing off someone who dumped you. its called safety.

 

Best of luck I know it hurts

[Glors1116]

I see no point in being angry, I think that's a big waste of energy. I am moving on with my life. I am not always sitting at home, waiting for him to call, nor do I check my email every five seconds in hopes of receiving an email from him.

 

His reasons for wanting to break up are that he's not ready to be married and that he'd rather be alone. My theories are that he got scared, the long distance thing bothers him and he's insecure about his future. I don't know if that makes any sense. But all I know is that his love for me was not fake and neither was my love for him.

 

I must have left out the part that even though I told him he would always have a place in my heart, I meant no matter what happens. So even if I get over him, move on, whatever, he will always have a special place in my heart. I can't be mad at someone who I love that much and he was wonderful to me. I won't forget that. I am still good friends with my other ex boyfriend, so I don't think it's impossible to do. And I do have a special place in my heart for him too.

 

In telling him that I will always love him is not to tell him that he can walk all over me whenever he wants. He knows me well enough to know that. But I see nothing wrong with holding on to hope. People say to move on and find someone else - well I'm not that kind of person. My goal in life is not to find my soul mate, and if I never end up with the man I love who loves me the way I love him, then I guess it was meant to be.

[aesmith]

I agree that you should distance yourself from the situation. Talking to him and e-mailing him regularly will not give him the opportunity to truly miss you. It's great that the communication line is still open, but he will only reconsider his decision if he realizes that he truly lost something worthwile. Sometimes it takes a significant period of time without a person or even dating another person to realize that what you had was good. Since your ex was the one who called it off, he's the one who needs to come to that realization.

[monkey]

The 'no contact thing' being the same if your getting over or wanting to get back, mabe i feel work together, because someone on here said the best chance you have of getting them back, is when all seems lost, so getting over them can indirectly get you back.

 

I feel your pain Glors, i'm in the exact boat, pm me if you think we can console each other

aesmith, i sure hope your right!!