How I got dumped and why I stopped dating.

[Rashad]

HOW I GOT DUMPED.

So here is my story.

My first REAL girlfriend and I met online... we quickly found common grounds, lots of it. She was into music, I'm an artist. She was into reading, I'm a bookworm. She was into writing and I really enjoyed her stuff and everybody (including me) thought we were the perfect couple. During our first summer break (we both went to separate unis in the same state though) we'd usually hang out 3-4 times a week and chat on msn until 6 am. She'd write the most romantic poetic pieces about me and everything around me told me that this girl loved me, I got to meet her friends and they were all excited and happy for us in fact I'm still friends with most of her friends.

We were pretty honest with each other and I trusted her a lot, in fact until now I believe that she was being genuine with me and I never suspected her of cheating and I believe she never did cheat on me. I gave the relationship my 100% I kept my conversations with other girls short and simple and I was ever so happy to let people now that I was committed, not to be cocky but I'm pretty sought after in uni, still I never as much as flirted with another chick. We also had a ritual of giving each other small gifts every time we met (small notes, love letter, candy..etc) The relationship was pretty exciting and fun.

When uni reopened for both of us, we cut doing on the msn thingy, we hung out on weekends and I'd make sure that everyday she'd wake up to a text from me. I'd find a way to get inspired during the day, write a text with a what we called a CAPITAL CODE (the random capital letters withing the text would read I LOVE YOU or something similar) I'd save the text, set my alarm to 3am for when I know she'd be sleeping, wake up and send and she'd wake up every morning to that. Even her mom commented on how she became unnaturally eager to wake up lol.

That lasted for a whole semester or so, and as impossible as it may seem we never actually had a fight or even got mad at each other, we'd actually spend a good time during our talks laughing at other couples we knew and actually complaining about how perfect we were lol.

 

NOW... the turning point.

Before her exams, during a phone call, I asked her how she was doing with her studies, she said that she was thinking about me the whole day and she couldn't focus on her books. I on the other hand was able to focus and study and I told her that it was just a matter of conditioning her mind. And just like that she tells me that she feels addicted and she doesn't like how she feels, I told her that I was an inexhaustible supply of heroine, made a few jokes, made her laugh, calmed her down and then initiated a 3 day NC period so that she can clear her mind and try to focus. I asked her whether she wanted the morning texts to continue. She said no.

After exactly 3 days, I call... I had missed the world out of her and I was really excited to hear her voice, she said "Hey Rashad, this is going to be difficult but I want you to hear me out, I've been doing some thinking and I seriously feel like this is not going to work out" I asked her what was wrong and she said she just has a feeling and that her feelings are never wrong, and just like that she did not give me any logical reason that my masculine brain could work with and she said she wanted us to remain friends. I said "alight whatever" and here is the deal, I sort of have an ego, so I really didn't beg her, ask her to think it over, or even insist on her giving me an explanation as much as it hurt me. I felt like a chicken bone thrown after the meat was eaten. I wasn't really thinking properly when I accepted to remain friends with her so after that call we had a month of NC, her FB status updates were more or less "I haven't felt this good for a long time" (which was a pathetic lie really), "I can breath again" and so on, at first I almost got into a STATUS BRAWL with her, but I quickly realized that she was just saying this stuff to make herself feel better for later when we talked she told me that her life sucked and whatnot. Now she has a BF who seems to be a nice guy, she seems to be doing well though I'd be the first to tell you that you never really know lol and as for me I somehow managed to turn **** into sugar.

 

What WOULD have been Red flags...

-She'd usually tell me that she felt like an evil person and she doesn't deserve the good things (me) that are happening to her.

-She'd always say that good things never last.

but these things are so vague that I don't even blame myself for not spotting them.

 

WHY I STOPPED DATING.

-First of all, I cannot do anything if I do not give it my 100% to me its an ego thing, I feel really bad and I just quit if I ever invest less than 100%.

-Experience tells me that girls do not deserve my 100%

 

A classical Value-Belief conflict... should I change my values and start investing less than a 100% or should I change my belief that girls do not deserve my 100% and how do I do that??

Has anybody ever been dumped for no tangible reason like I did? and how did they feel? what could I have done to prevent this from happening? I did not attempt to get her back, was I supposed to do that? and finally what do you think is up with this girl?? or does there seem to be something wrong with me?? was I overdoing the love thingy or was I being a sweetheart and she did not deserve that?

 

Thank you for reading. This feels good

 

PS: All the creative romantic stuff, from the giving gifts every time we meet to the morning text with capital codes were my ideas... I actually do not regret doing them. Y'all are allowed to use them since you took the time to read my story

[Don Ho]

Has anybody ever been dumped for no tangible reason like I did? and how did they feel? what could I have done to prevent this from happening? I did not attempt to get her back, was I supposed to do that? and finally what do you think is up with this girl?? or does there seem to be something wrong with me?? was I overdoing the love thingy or was I being a sweetheart and she did not deserve that?

 

Rashad, sorry to hear you got dumped and it left you wondering. You sound like an intelligent guy. Now, once again risking sounding like a prick, I have to say you got dumped because you were acting like a pussy. When you do all that "love thingy" like you said, they lose interest because you are not a challenge and it doesn't seem very manlike. You were sending ILY everyday? Made sure she woke up to one of your texts? Way to be a challenge and make it interesting.

 

I can bet you give 110% to a relationship and you smother them. That is why she said she was happy to have some breathing room. You were being a sweetheart and she did not deserve it? No, you were being weak and acting like a girlie man. What she wanted and deserved was a MAN. I don't think you need to stop dating. I think you really need to re-think relationship and how to act in one.

 

Most guys start out confident, fun and carefree. That is what attracts a woman. Once they get into a relationship 90% of guys decide they "love her" and start to slowly change. They start to let the woman have her way, the send flowers and cute little notes (not that there isn't a time and place for that), they decide that she is "the one" and they can't live without her, they start to become more "sensitive". In short, the transform from being a confident MAN into a little whipped pussy. When you get to this point where you're acting like a pussy, she loses interest, loses attraction (because you're no longer acting like a man) and you'll start hearing the infamous "I need space", "I don't feel the same", "I'm not sure how I feel anymore" and so on. That's just womaneze for "You have turned into a weak little man and I'm telling you that I need "space" with the hope and prayer that you will get a clue that you will start acting like a man again and be come that guy I was attracted to". But, by this point, her interest and attraction to you has tanked and it is too late.

 

There you have it Bro, no "tangible" reason. Again, I don't take anyone's misery and anguish lightly nor do I dismiss it. I have been there and I know how bad it feels. However, I do try to give members the straight scoop about what I think without holding their hand and coddling them. I just don't think that's very productive or helpful. At any rate, hang in there and keep us posted.

[RockinZ28]

Rashad, sorry to hear you got dumped and it left you wondering. You sound like an intelligent guy. Now, once again risking sounding like a prick, I have to say you got dumped because you were acting like a pussy. When you do all that "love thingy" like you said, they lose interest because you are not a challenge and it doesn't seem very manlike. You were sending ILY everyday? Made sure she woke up to one of your texts? Way to be a challenge and make it interesting.

 

I can bet you give 110% to a relationship and you smother them. That is why she said she was happy to have some breathing room. You were being a sweetheart and she did not deserve it? No, you were being weak and acting like a girlie man. What she wanted and deserved was a MAN. I don't think you need to stop dating. I think you really need to re-think relationship and how to act in one.

 

Most guys start out confident, fun and carefree. That is what attracts a woman. Once they get into a relationship 90% of guys decide they "love her" and start to slowly change. They start to let the woman have her way, the send flowers and cute little notes (not that there isn't a time and place for that), they decide that she is "the one" and they can't live without her, they start to become more "sensitive". In short, the transform from being a confident MAN into a little whipped pussy. When you get to this point where you're acting like a pussy, she loses interest, loses attraction (because you're no longer acting like a man) and you'll start hearing the infamous "I need space", "I don't feel the same", "I'm not sure how I feel anymore" and so on. That's just womaneze for "You have turned into a weak little man and I'm telling you that I need "space" with the hope and prayer that you will get a clue that you will start acting like a man again and be come that guy I was attracted to". But, by this point, her interest and attraction to you has tanked and it is too late.

 

There you have it Bro, no "tangible" reason. Again, I don't take anyone's misery and anguish lightly nor do I dismiss it. I have been there and I know how bad it feels. However, I do try to give members the straight scoop about what I think without holding their hand and coddling them. I just don't think that's very productive or helpful. At any rate, hang in there and keep us posted.

 

i gotta agree man..i hate to be negative because break ups suck and a lot of emotion is involved generally..but you turned into a certified nancy, giving gifts each time you meet that person? hopefully this is a learning experience and im not saying don't be yourself..if you cry at the end of marley and me and wanna eat dark chocolate and talk about your feelings some woman out there will love you for who you are..but if you aren't a nancy, and you did these acts thinking it would improve your status to the woman, you went about it the completely wrong way

[krazygirl]

im sorry i completely disagree with everyone here.

 

i am a woman, and ur texting thing is so cute. i know i got addicted to the good morning texts from the last girl i dated. and i miss them soooo much.

 

im not sure what got into your girl. i can honestly say im not sure what the hell is wrong with women in general.

 

i am done dating as well. burned too many times, given too much of myself. they all have told me i deserve the world, then walked out of mine. makes total sense.

[Rashad]

Wow... Don, I actually should be pissed off at you, but I'm not. There is truth to what you're saying and I really can't be mad at the truth. I'm sort of starting to realize all that though. After I got dumped I worked a lot on myself and like I said I managed to turn sh*t into sugar, its all about me now, its gym, books, basketball and fun all day. I've always had the humor thing going for me and it was getting me some attention but now its that X 10, and I'm just not responding to it, I think I need to focus on me still, I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

But for what its worth it was kinda relieving to be what YOU'd call a pussy, 'cause otherwise to the rest of the world I was the basketball player, serious student, rigidly practical male and it was nice to find somebody to be soft to. Guess it don't work like that lol, but anyways bro thanks a lot. Always happens, just when i think I'm too smart for anybody to teach me anything.

[Rashad]

im sorry i completely disagree with everyone here.

 

i am a woman, and ur texting thing is so cute. i know i got addicted to the good morning texts from the last girl i dated. and i miss them soooo much.

 

im not sure what got into your girl. i can honestly say im not sure what the hell is wrong with women in general.

 

i am done dating as well. burned too many times, given too much of myself. they all have told me i deserve the world, then walked out of mine. makes total sense.

Thank you for that, but consider this... don't you think that I gave too much of myself in a short while? I mean yes I was being genuine and I'm sure she knew that and I wouldn't say it was all predictable, but I did not add the right amount of pain to the mixture, I guess too much pleasure is somehow painful.

I don't know how you'll feel about me saying this, but you are lesbian and you think what I did was cute, so perhaps it was girly and that's why you found it to be cute... I don't know.

[NewToLS]

Rashad, Don Ho is my LS Superbowl! Seriously, he's so right on! I know how you feel. When I wrote about my dilemma here, he gave me harsh yet oh so true comments. I love reading his posts. Freakily hits so close to home. BUT, back to you. I've had experiences with men like you. We women love your intelligence, your independence, your drive, your initiative, your thoughtful gifts, your texts. We love the fact that you take charge, are manly, make decisions, let us know you care. What happened with one of my relationships was that the longer we were together, the more he turned into a "yes" man, doing everything and anything I wanted, getting so familiar with me that he, frankly, turned into a woman. I wanted a man. He lost his drive and his ambition. I lost the man I loved. He waited at home for me to get there. Never saw his friends without me. Never saw his family without me. Never wanted to do anything without me. I felt trapped and suffocated. I couldn't even go to doctor's appointments by myself without him getting his feelings hurt and wondering why I didn't want to "share" everything with him. We had to share the same bathroom, same closet. Rashad, you sound like a dream. BUT your girlfriend probably felt like you were a latex glove...hard to get off. She may have wanted a nice warm sweater jacket. One that you can put on when you need a bit of warmth, but easily taken off...knowing that it's right there when you need it again. That's real comfort in a relationship. Not smothering, but good, kind, and solid.

[Don Ho]

im sorry i completely disagree with everyone here. i am a woman, and ur texting thing is so cute. i know i got addicted to the good morning texts from the last girl i dated. and i miss them soooo much. i am done dating as well. burned too many times, given too much of myself. they all have told me i deserve the world, then walked out of mine. makes total sense.

 

Spoken like a woman. Probably a young woman. Sorry you've been hurt Krazygirl, but I imagine that you're the type of girl that smothers a person, chases them, is too available and is too little of a challenge. As long as you continue acting like that people will dump you. Learn and work on yourself. And don't be such a pussy in the future!

[Don Ho]

Wow... Don, I actually should be pissed off at you, but I'm not. There is truth to what you're saying and I really can't be mad at the truth. I'm sort of starting to realize all that though. After I got dumped I worked a lot on myself and like I said I managed to turn sh*t into sugar, its all about me now, its gym, books, basketball and fun all day. But for what its worth it was kinda relieving to be what YOU'd call a pussy, 'cause otherwise to the rest of the world I was the basketball player, serious student, rigidly practical male and it was nice to find somebody to be soft to. Guess it don't work like that lol, but anyways bro thanks a lot. Always happens, just when i think I'm too smart for anybody to teach me anything.

 

Here I am, drinking my latte reading your response that you should be pissed off at me and I about fell off my chair! LOL. It doesn't matter if you're a 300lb linebacker, you can be a pussy with your Momma but not with a woman your with. Glad you understand it Rashad. Like I said you seem like a smart guy. It's nothing to beat yourself up about, just something to be aware of that you can be too "lovey" and you have to watch that in your next relationship. I'm pleased you "heard" me. Sounds like you have lots to offer and you're getting it. Keep us posted Bro.

[Don Ho]

Bros: read what NewToLS just wrote five times!! There you FINALLY have it from a woman. Women will say they want all that lovey, sensitive stuff (which is ok in a small amount) but what they REALLY want is a MAN! See 95% of women either don't know that you behaving like a pussy turns them off or they do not want to tell you because they don't want to hurt your little girlie man feelings. HA! How's it feel to be treated like one of their BFFs? Now go re-read what she wrote and pass it on to your bros.

[Rashad]

NewToLS, thanks for that... I can see more clearly now, my relationship wasn't necessarily like that though I did give her her space and I demanded mine, like for example I told her that I didn't like her texting me when I was out with the boys and stuff and she kinda respected that... Overall I think it was a mixture of me softening up and something being wrong with her lol, cause I always felt like she didn't know what she wanted.

 

Anyways, the good thing is I got over her surprisingly quick and like I said I'm all about me now, but I'll definitely keep this info in mind for I don't plan on being single forever.

 

Thanks again y'all!

[Don Ho]

On the other hand, some women are crazy. Most recently with my ex, she encouraged me to visit her 4-5 times a week, to write love notes, to compliment her. It was only when she found someone else that all of a sudden, she "needed space" and "felt smothered". IMO, she used those statements as excuses to put space between us, so that she could pursue new guy. Being a calloused, silent, semi-jerk with a barbed wire tattoo on your tricep might work on some woman, but it wont work on all of them.

 

See BiAx, you were a nice guy because you thought that's what she wanted (at least that's what she said she wanted). Look what happened, as you admitted, she found a new guy and those were just excuses. I never said be a tough, calloused, semi-jerk. My point is most guys turn into pussies after a while in a relationship and that's why they get dumped. Obviously there are women on both ends of the scale, but as a rule I would say being overly emotional, chasing them, telling them often how much you love them will lead to disaster for you. There are a few women that might eat that up, but I think even those would tire of it eventually. That's human nature. Like you said, all things in moderation.

[Dazzel]

Wow, I really disagree with all of you. I'm a straight female and I would just eat up everything he did. The texting, the gifts, the sappy words.... I rarely ever get these. The two males that mattered most in my life (one including my current bf) hardly ever do this. Both my first boyfriend and current boyfriend are alike. He never calls me. The only times he calls is when he wants me to come over, and sometimes when I am supposed to come over are forgotten in favor of the TV. He won't get a cell so won't text. It's not often I get love confessions (but he has been getting me gifts lately). He won't get his license so he nevers comes to my house.

 

I would just love everything you did. The challenge isn't everything. It's the feeling you get when you know someone wants you so much and they care for you. It's not unmanly. I hate how men feel they need to be cold and emotionally distant.

 

I feel like you did nothing wrong. I think that your ex just gave up an awesome guy. Plus, you sound intelligent on top of all of this.

[Don Ho]

Wow, I really disagree with all of you. I'm a straight female and I would just eat up everything he did. The texting, the gifts, the sappy words.... I rarely ever get these. The two males that mattered most in my life (one including my current bf) hardly ever do this. Both my first boyfriend and current boyfriend are alike. He never calls me. The only times he calls is when he wants me to come over, and sometimes when I am supposed to come over are forgotten in favor of the TV. He won't get a cell so won't text. It's not often I get love confessions (but he has been getting me gifts lately). He won't get his license so he nevers comes to my house.

 

See Dazzel, you make my point for me. You claim you would want a guy that did all that kind of stuff and your first BF and your current BF are NOTHING like that! Women say they want all the love letters, texts and so on, but when a guy does that the woman dumps them and she gets involved with a guy that doesn't do that. Know why? Women want a MAN. Go ahead, go find one of those "lovey" guys and I'll bet you'll dump him in six months and you won't even know why. You're a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Thank you! LOL!

 

Bros, you just heard it from the typical woman! Proceed with the program.

[cody19]

I just went through this ****, sort of... the thing that drove a wall between us is the fact that she is from another country and not coming back and says she doesn't want to be with me anymore and the LD wouldn't work. Reading what don says makes me wonder if trying to apply to a school in her country is what did it (even though it was her idea and she wanted it).

 

My question is this... Is it to late to turn it around ever?

 

I was like rashad... not so much waking up texts... but i sent her a few cards last year and I would draw all over them and write **** on them.

 

It was her bday two weeks ago and since she says she doesnt know if she wants to be with me. I am still going to send her bday box o'**** to her I had planned.. which includes some of the **** like that.. for instance I used to do a lot of photoshop **** so I made her something in there as well as played around with a postcard (drew on it and ****)

 

When I tell other girls what's going on and how I've been doing this they say that they don't get why she would break up with me etc. that I'm such a sweet boyfriend... and I beleive that.. I naturally put all I have into a relationship I can't help that and honestly for 2 years it was a mutual thing between us until now.

 

 

So now we are going to go a month NC (hoping I can make it I'm having troubles) and see how she is feeling then... and just go from there...

 

 

 

Does that even have a shot at working? or am I screwed? I really do want this girl back.

 

And I understand I need to work on me and I plan on it.. but my hopes are kinda that if I pick myself up now and pull myself together maybe she will start to come around?

 

 

Possible or no?

[Don Ho]

Reading what don says makes me wonder if trying to apply to a school in her country is what did it (even though it was her idea and she wanted it).

 

It was her bday two weeks ago and since she says she doesnt know if she wants to be with me. I am still going to send her bday box o'**** to her I had planned.. which includes some of the **** like that.. for instance I used to do a lot of photoshop **** so I made her something in there as well as played around with a postcard (drew on it and ****)

 

When I tell other girls what's going on and how I've been doing this they say that they don't get why she would break up with me etc. that I'm such a sweet boyfriend...

First, you're having an LDR? WTF are you thinking? There are plenty of women HERE. Um, yes, applying in her country was the ultimate pussy move. Geez Bro, grow some balls back since you gave them away to her.

 

NO!!! You are not going to send her sh$$t for her B-DayFor ! You are not even going to call you little girlie man. For once you're going to act like a MAN. Do you get it Bro? WTF are you thinking? God if I was there, I would sock your bitch ass in the jaw.

 

Of course your female friends say that!! And you know what? They all love the jackasses and bad boys and they don't even know why. It's like they're telling you "I want a guy that will love me and send me sweet notes and send me flowers" when the reality is if they got into a relationship with a guy like that, they would dump his ass for being such a pussy!

 

Glad you're here on LS, now get a grip!

Edited September 7, 2010 by Don Ho

[Nikki Sahagin]

Bros: read what NewToLS just wrote five times!! There you FINALLY have it from a woman. Women will say they want all that lovey, sensitive stuff (which is ok in a small amount) but what they REALLY want is a MAN! See 95% of women either don't know that you behaving like a pussy turns them off or they do not want to tell you because they don't want to hurt your little girlie man feelings. HA! How's it feel to be treated like one of their BFFs? Now go re-read what she wrote and pass it on to your bros.

 

The only way I can explain what women want, in a blanket generalisation, is by explaining what men want. All men want supposedly 'the lady in the streets' but 'the freak in the sheets'. Well women want a 'real man' whatever that is, but also a man that is respectful and sensitive. No women really wants a bad man in the sense of being a liar, thug, cheat or bully, unless she has her issues. In the same way I don't believe a man wants to hurt a woman, unless he has his own issues. Nothing turns me off more than a bad boy. What I do like is a confident man who is cheeky and who tries really hard to win me over, but what I fell in love with MOST with my ex, was his sensitive moments, seeing him cry and yes the morning texts. I loved seeing that side of him that no-one else saw.

 

However with my last ex, he flipped completely from being My confident and cool, to crying ALL of the time and that was a turn-off because it was such a 180 turn and it was uncomfortable.

 

But please don't assume all women don't know what they want. Not all men know what they want. Most of the time no-one really knows what they want. We might have a type, and find ourselves attracted to people completely opposite.

[Rashad]

First of all, I don't think people here disagree as much as they think they do... Sure Don may sound like he wants me to be cold and inconsiderate, but I don't believe that's the case, maybe some of y'all are just too sensitive to his approach.

Dazzel and Krazygirl both seem like sweethearts and it really made me feel good reading what they had to say... at the end of the day I think its a matter of balance, I wouldn't want to be too emotional... not that I was (that's what makes me feel like there was something wrong with my ex) Nikki said that it bothered her that her ex cried all the time, I actually never cried to my ex, not even when she dumped me. By balance I mean like for example instead of the morning text being a fixed everyday thing, I can resort to sending them randomly every now and then or perhaps when I feel like she needs them, same goes for the small gifts. I really can't see myself being a cold person to begin with, but for the sake of excitement and balance I think I should withhold my sweetness a little more so that it can be missed and craved for.

[Don Ho]

Hey Rashad, I don't want you to be cold and inconsiderate. But as you know yourself, many guys here on LS have gotten dumped and they don't know why. Most of the time I have to give a little tough love because they don't see how they transformed from a man into a girlie man as they went along in their relationship, and how that ultimately was the reason they got dumped. You can say it's a matter of balance; I think once a guy gets into a relationship he doesn't realize he's "out of balance", has started becoming a pussy and will eventually get dumped.

 

Nikki, if you ask most women what hey want they will say they want a guy that's kind, loving, considerate, sends flowers, makes nice gestures and so on. If you look at most women, they do not end up with that type of guy, which is exactly what happened to Dazzel. They don't realize their instinct and subconscious drive is to find a strong "mate". What women say they want and who they end up with is often two different things. Yes, I know, there are exceptions to the rule, there are guys that act totally sensitive and their S.O.s eat it up. Nikki, I think you agree with me, women want a strong man that is able to be caring, yet not one that turns into a pussy like your Ex.

 

As far as men, they say we want a slut in bed that's a sweetheart at the same time. They want their personal prostitute yet a woman they can take home to Mom. I think what they're saying is they want a woman with a high sex drive (his natural instinct) and some sweetness but they do not want a woman that is out having sex with other guys nor too weak. With either sex, I think acting weak will make the other person lose interest, dump them and find a stronger "mate".

 

Rashad, in my opinion, you have a good heart and a sensitive side. For you then, as with the majority of guys on here, your task in a relationship will be always to keep that in check so that you don't turn into a wuss, make her lose interest and dump you. Look at all the guys on here that attract a woman because they're confident, fun, strong and kind. Then without knowing it they change "polarities" (as another member calls it) and the guy becomes more feminine and the woman takes on a more masculine role.

 

What does the typical guy do when she starts to lose interest, backs off and dumps them? The exact OPPOSITE of what he should do, starts chasing, sending flowers and notes, professing his love, trying to buy her, trying to win her over with "love". At that point it's too late, he should not have been acting like such a pussy over the previous several months. As he does all these gestures, she becomes even less interested because that is not how a MAN behaves.

 

I would caution all guys not to become too nice as the relationship goes along, and, of course, make sure they're not becoming a pussy.

[cody19]

First, you're having an LDR? WTF are you thinking? There are plenty of women HERE. Um, yes, applying in her country was the ultimate pussy move. Geez Bro, grow some balls back since you gave them away to her.

 

NO!!! You are not going to send her sh$$t for her B-DayFor ! You are not even going to call you little girlie man. For once you're going to act like a MAN. Do you get it Bro? WTF are you thinking? God if I was there, I would sock your bitch ass in the jaw.

 

Of course your female friends say that!! And you know what? They all love the jackasses and bad boys and they don't even know why. It's like they're telling you "I want a guy that will love me and send me sweet notes and send me flowers" when the reality is if they got into a relationship with a guy like that, they would dump his ass for being such a pussy!

 

Glad you're here on LS, now get a grip!

 

 

Thing about the LDR was the fact that she WAS here. She is from another country she came here and so we had a distance relationship (5 hour drive) for a semester but then were at the same place for much of the time. She left for the summer and was planning on coming back it wasn't until she found out she had to stay that she started to change things.

 

Problem is (and I may be naive) I don't think its the "girlie" stuff I did that made her dump me... sure maybe subconsciously it had a part, but it's the fact that there was a distance. Me trying to go to school there wasn't a pussy move at all, it was her idea, and not only that I would have liked to go to school there (I think I might still want to but it is not a good time to make that decision).

 

I don't know, I may just be in denial and I know for sure that I partly am, but I don't think the "girlie" stuff is what caused her to break up with me. Hopefully the **** for her birthday makes her miss all the **** i did for her. And part of the stuff I sent were just her things.. we were together for 2 years and when we weren't at school she lived at my house with my family so she had a place to stay, she left some things thinking she would be coming back so naturally she will want some back. Anyways I hope it doesn't **** things up more because it's too late, not only that I would have anyways because I told her I would and I'm a man of my word.

 

Excuse me for being in opposition to you, I'm either really dumb or else I'm still blinded by the break up but half the stuff you say seems true and relevant and sometimes it doesn't.

[Don Ho]

Sounds like you've got all the answers Bro. Good luck with all that.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, if you ask most women what hey want they will say they want a guy that's kind, loving, considerate, sends flowers, makes nice gestures and so on. If you look at most women, they do not end up with that type of guy, which is exactly what happened to Dazzel. They don't realize their instinct and subconscious drive is to find a strong "mate". What women say they want and who they end up with is often two different things. Yes, I know, there are exceptions to the rule, there are guys that act totally sensitive and their S.O.s eat it up. Nikki, I think you agree with me, women want a strong man that is able to be caring, yet not one that turns into a pussy like your Ex.

 

As far as men, they say we want a slut in bed that's a sweetheart at the same time. They want their personal prostitute yet a woman they can take home to Mom. I think what they're saying is they want a woman with a high sex drive (his natural instinct) and some sweetness but they do not want a woman that is out having sex with other guys nor too weak. With either sex, I think acting weak will make the other person lose interest, dump them and find a stronger "mate".

 

 

When women say what they want, all of the above you have listed are actions rather than characteristics. I don't know a single woman that does not like getting flowers or being provided with nice gestures. However some men, take qualities such as being nice and considerate, and lose their personalities and character in the process. The issue is never about 'the nice guy', it is about the man who loses his self trying to please a woman. I can only speak for myself and not all women, but my ex, who I loved beyond measure, was always nice and considerate, but he never lost who he was as a person.

 

And yes I do agree with you if we are saying that basically, what a person sees is another is a composite of SO many factors. Often we don't even KNOW what it is we are drawn to. The problem is that people rationally or logically WANT, is not always what makes someone feel emotionally or physically alive. I have met many a boring guy, but I still would never go over to the bad boy side because to me that's not excitement but drama and I think women that ARE drawn to that type of man are not really looking for a relationship; they are looking for a project. I think its important that a man is always respectful and considerate, or he will only ever attract 3 generalised types of women; easy girls, insecure girls with issues or fixers. He won't meet 'the one' that way. This applies if we flip it to women as well.

 

I do agree that unconsciously women want a strong mate, but what constitute as strong is a subjective thing really, whether it be a physical, mental or emotional quality. If I speak for myself, going by what drew me to my ex, it was the feeling I could be a best friend to someone but that that person was strong enough that I could lean on them if I wanted to and 'provide' for me, but some of the moments when I felt the strongest love were when my ex was in a sensitive state because that is really knowing the person...anyway I digress a little.

 

I 100% agree with you that both partners want a strong mate, what constitutes as strong being different between the genders. This is the true reason why nice girls and nice guys fail, because you can be sweet, cute and romantic but if you have no passion, or soul or REAL chemistry or connection, you are just ANOTHER nice person.

 

Nice = bland. Yes its admirable to be nice, but can you make someone laugh? Can you make them feel wanted? Can you be passionate and intense? Can you be fun?

 

Sadly, its not enough for men or women to just go on dates and be nice. You have to have something more to offer usually, unless the attraction just comes and hits both of you out of the blue. So yes I DEFINITELY agree with you there. I think we are on the same wave length.

[Don Ho]

Nikki, I think we're pretty much on the same page. BTW, you choose to stay away from bad boys because you're seasoned and you know better! You're probably still attracted to them, but you stay away.

 

Good to have a woman on here that "gets it" and understands that a man can turn into a pussy in a relationship and that is a turn off.

 

BTW, you said an inconsiderate guy will only attract "easy girls, insecure girls with issues or fixers". Is there a fourth type?

[Dazzel]

See Dazzel, you make my point for me. You claim you would want a guy that did all that kind of stuff and your first BF and your current BF are NOTHING like that! Women say they want all the love letters, texts and so on, but when a guy does that the woman dumps them and she gets involved with a guy that doesn't do that. Know why? Women want a MAN. Go ahead, go find one of those "lovey" guys and I'll bet you'll dump him in six months and you won't even know why. You're a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Thank you! LOL!

 

Bros, you just heard it from the typical woman! Proceed with the program.

 

I have absolutely no clue how what I said proves your point. The two guys I liked most are like that. I broke up with my first boyfriend for not being affectionate enough and never even trying to contact me. We had/have the same exact interests and hobbies. I am thinking about getting rid of my current boyfriend because he is the same way. I want the texts, the gifts, the lovey dovey words....all of it. I am not getting what I need out of my relationships. I don't want to work hard for no affection. According to you, once a woman gets the affection she wants, she leaves. That's very incorrect. No one would be married. Or all women would have aloof husbands.

 

 

And simply because a guy does this stuff doesn't mean he's a girly sissy boy. Nothing is wrong with showing affection to your significant other. I rarely ever see this, especially with my parents who simply just like to fight over money.

 

My only other boyfriend was really like that. Super affectionate. I just didn't like his addiction to drugs like heroin and ****. That, and he was dumb as ****.

 

Also, I think you are being very sexist, don ho. Stereotypical too. I wouldn't listen to your advice at all. No offense, but dang, it ticked me off.

 

If you are into someone a lot, why not show it? That's how they know it.

 

Men and women have different things that drive us. But what a person wants all comes down to personality. Some women like cold men. Some women like sensitive men. You make it sound like all women want a cold and aloof partner in a male. Not true.

I for one am sick of working my arse off for a guy who won't even voluntarily call me at least once a week. You know how crappy that is? No flowers, not texts. Never says he loves me much anymore either. Guess since he knows he's got a leash on me, he doesn't have to make the effort anymore.

 

He shouldn't have to change who he is to get a woman. Let them know what they are getting. If he likes doing those things for her, then let him. He is only fooling himself if he makes himself be someone he's not.

Edited September 7, 2010 by Dazzel

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, I think we're pretty much on the same page. BTW, you choose to stay away from bad boys because you're seasoned and you know better! You're probably still attracted to them, but you stay away.

 

Good to have a woman on here that "gets it" and understands that a man can turn into a pussy in a relationship and that is a turn off.

 

BTW, you said an inconsiderate guy will only attract "easy girls, insecure girls with issues or fixers". Is there a fourth type?

 

Yeah I think we are also!

 

In all honesty, I don't think I am attracted to bad boys. I am attracted to bad boys in movies sometimes but I know the reality of a 'bad boy' is a very different thing. I think its comparable in many ways to a man who may be attracted to a glamour model, but realistically, outside of sex, the relationship would be most likely unfulfilling.

 

Haha, realistically anyone CAN fall for a bad boy (or for that matter a bad girl) but I think they do normally fall into one of those four categories. Girls who are drawn to them at a primal level for easy sex, girls with issues who don't feel worthy of being loved or women who feel they can change the man. I would add a fourth type of perhaps naive, nice girls who can't differentiate between fictional bad people as a fantasy and a REAL bad person who will make their life's miserable.

 

I can't quite understand the draw to bad boys myself. As I said, I like men who are cheeky, or have an edge but actually 'bad', in the sense of the real world, I find is usually really unattractive.