The ex that wont disappear

[Tribble]

Okay--my fiancee met a woman online who was married with 2 children) they chatted on line and on the phone for about a year--and then he sent her money for a plane ticket to join him in the united states (she was from australia) she came over and they had about 3 months of a perfect/horrible relationship--it was either the best day of his life or the worst day of his life--depending on when you talk to him. After 3 months she realized she wanted to give her hubby another go and she missed her kids so she left even though he was still deeply in love with her (it was his first real relationship). About year or so later he met me on line we talked for about 2 mos and then he came to meet me and moved up here--because we hit it off so well. We have had nearly a perfect relationship in my eyes--a few small arguments--but other then that I care for him deeply and he recently proposed--and I accepted--date has been set for a year from now and everything. Okay now I have to back up a little--ever since the beginning he has brought her up frequently--after one large fight early in our relationship he stopped bringing her up--by chance when I asked him a few months ago he told me that he had recently called her and they had a long conversation etc. I didn't mind tooooo horribly much--it did bother me a little--if he still has feelings for her then I feel that marriage isn't probably what I want with him. I accidently stumbled across a letter (that was left in MY desk--which he does occassionally use) that he had written to her--basically comparing the two of us--and where things weren't the same--I seemed to be the worse comparison. He also told her in the letter that he misses her sometimes and he seemed very pensive in telling her that he cared for me at all. It's been very scary for me--I've been very jealous for the last few days since I found it and I feel all choked up as though someone is holding onto my throat--it really bothers me that much--I even cried as I read the letter--because I feel strongly that he still loves her. I don't know where to take this--I am thinking seriously about talking to a psychologist--because things seem to be great in our relationship and then she is like the hidden secret that underlays it all--I don't want to ignore it anymore. I haven't confronted him about the letter--should I? ANy advice? anyone been through something similar? We've been togther day and night for about 1 1/2 years now. I care deeply for him--but this is a big obstacle for me in our happiness. I think mostly because when I left my first love I was in a relationship for 2 years--that I knew I didn't want or need--I basically was in it for support until I could get over my love. I don't want to be that person for my current love--does that make sense??

[billy the kid]

Tribble, great to hear from you.. now to your problem, it seems to me that you both were on the rebound when ya'll met.. And this is just me but that seems to be the problem.. read your post again and see if you don't see it.. Neither of you are over your past relationships. I could be wrong, just read it again and see what you think.

Okay--my fiancee met a woman online who was married with 2 children) they chatted on line and on the phone for about a year--and then he sent her money for a plane ticket to join him in the united states (she was from australia) she came over and they had about 3 months of a perfect/horrible relationship--it was either the best day of his life or the worst day of his life--depending on when you talk to him. After 3 months she realized she wanted to give her hubby another go and she missed her kids so she left even though he was still deeply in love with her (it was his first real relationship). About year or so later he met me on line we talked for about 2 mos and then he came to meet me and moved up here--because we hit it off so well. We have had nearly a perfect relationship in my eyes--a few small arguments--but other then that I care for him deeply and he recently proposed--and I accepted--date has been set for a year from now and everything. Okay now I have to back up a little--ever since the beginning he has brought her up frequently--after one large fight early in our relationship he stopped bringing her up--by chance when I asked him a few months ago he told me that he had recently called her and they had a long conversation etc. I didn't mind tooooo horribly much--it did bother me a little--if he still has feelings for her then I feel that marriage isn't probably what I want with him. I accidently stumbled across a letter (that was left in MY desk--which he does occassionally use) that he had written to her--basically comparing the two of us--and where things weren't the same--I seemed to be the worse comparison. He also told her in the letter that he misses her sometimes and he seemed very pensive in telling her that he cared for me at all. It's been very scary for me--I've been very jealous for the last few days since I found it and I feel all choked up as though someone is holding onto my throat--it really bothers me that much--I even cried as I read the letter--because I feel strongly that he still loves her. I don't know where to take this--I am thinking seriously about talking to a psychologist--because things seem to be great in our relationship and then she is like the hidden secret that underlays it all--I don't want to ignore it anymore. I haven't confronted him about the letter--should I? ANy advice? anyone been through something similar? We've been togther day and night for about 1 1/2 years now. I care deeply for him--but this is a big obstacle for me in our happiness. I think mostly because when I left my first love I was in a relationship for 2 years--that I knew I didn't want or need--I basically was in it for support until I could get over my love. I don't want to be that person for my current love--does that make sense??

[Charles]

I think you should see the shrink with him.

 

I think this is something he needs to get over.

 

first time relationships are very strong ones

 

more so because they are the first than because

 

of all the good things in them.

 

he probably keeps thinking about what he could have done

 

here and there to keep it going but I'd dare say

 

that it is over and nothing more than something he

 

speculates over once in a while. If you brought

 

it up he'd probably hate himself for it and consider

 

it a moment of weakness which it probably was.

 

I would bring it up with him just to hit a few points

 

home. I'd say its something he more speculates

 

on now than something he will ever act on, and that

 

as soon as he's with you again after thinking about it

 

he wonders how he could have ever done it. He wrote the

 

letter while thinking about her mainly and naturally

 

these are old and painful memories. but I do not think

 

they are ones that he will ever act on.

 

try to get him to a shrink so he can deal with these

 

problems because it is a problem and to be honest he

 

should break off all communication with her (beware

 

the computer). she really is probably nothing more than

 

and old memory and if he loves you then he'll know only

 

to reminice and not act on anything.

 

Goodluck in sorting it all out

 

Charles