Hello

[BHMM]

Hi everyone,

 

I came back to my "MM's Perspective" thread Thursday night and it had already grown by 5 pages in about 12 hours, and some of the comments were getting tough to read, so I decided to step away and go offline for the weekend. I came back today and saw that it's been locked/closed for some reason. I'm not sure if it strayed too far off topic or if it was my fault for leaving it for too long, but in any case I wanted to follow up to answer the questions that were posed, and let anyone who might care know that I'm still here and didn't "abandon" my thread. If no one cares, that's fine too. In the meantime I'll try to catch up and answer whatever questions I missed from the last several pages of the original thread.

 

Hope everyone's doing well. I had a nice long holiday weekend with the family, away from the computer.

Edited September 6, 2010 by BHMM

[2sunny]

glad to see you BHMM! welcome back!

[BHMM]

glad to see you BHMM! welcome back!

 

Thanks 2sunny! Hope all's well with you...

[2sunny]

Thanks 2sunny! Hope all's well with you...

 

it's been a relaxing weekend here at the beach... nothing could be better!

[Fallen Angel]

welcome back hun.

[BHMM]

welcome back hun.

Thanks FA, hope you had a good weekend.

[BHMM]

how many children do you have and how old are they?

 

is there any thought in the back of your mind that you may leave after they are grown and gone if things don't improve in your M? or are you staying even if it seems like a death sentence?

Kids = more than one; all under 10.

 

I haven't really considered what I will do when they leave. I guess I'm hoping things will be good by then. If for some reason it's intolerable once they're out of the house I guess I would consider leaving. I'm trying not to think about such a scenario now though.

[BHMM]

BHMM,

 

I am a few pages behind so please forgive me if it has already been said, but I don't think you REALLY WANT to fix what is broken in your marriage. I think you are convinced you can't and don't feel like putting forth the effort to do it.

 

I think as evidenced by your posts, you are there because of the kids, and only because of the kids. You know that you can put forth almost no effort at all and keep skating along like this. I mean, you can have sex with her if you want, she isn't turning you down, I would suppose she does at least her share of the household chores and parenting, so why bother, right?

 

I think that in the back of your head, you feel that you are never REALLY going to be happy anyway, and she, well she is not too terribly unhappy, so why waste all that time and effort to change nothing..

 

At least that is what I see looking from the outside..That is what it seems to me like you are doing.. just planning on skating by in the marriage, being a great dad, and a mediocre husband because you are convinced that you can never have a truly great marriage anyway.

 

And hey, who am I to tell you that is not okay. If you are happy with mediocre then so be it. But you know what great feels like, smells like, tastes like.. and you miss it. Don't you think your wife should get the chance to know what great is like too?

You may be right, at least right now that's where my head is, thinking good enough will be good enough. I'm hoping in time I'll want to put more and more effort into it, as memories of OW fade and I recommit fully to the M.

 

As far as my W getting a chance to know what great is like too, I'm going to try to give her that.

[BHMM]

Great post FA. Not to bash but if this mediocre behavior continues in the M and wifey becomes unhappy (she has already suspected an A in the past) she may just have her own A. Just sayin'

BHMM, how would you feel if she did?

I'm not sure. Part of me would feel like I deserved it.

[BHMM]

I always hold to thought that you are a long time dead and so owe it to yourself to live the best life I can, part of that is not causing or being the cause of hurt to others. If your relationship with the OW is the be and end all, then I would say that you owe it to yourself to leave your marriage, owe it to your wife to find happiness and for her to find her be and end all with someone else. To withold information about the A means that there is no truth, no level playing field and the thought of your wife constantly wondering what is wrong, what she has done, or all the other questions a half marriage causes will ensue. Personally, I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy.

 

Am I right in understanding that the OW knew you were married? had you both made plans for the future? Did she think you were going to leave? if the answer is yes, then I cannot imagine what she must be feeling and how you can be so cavalier in hurting her if you love her as you do, not just love the idea of her, but the person. I am a BS, but even I can understand how she might be wondering what the hell is going on. I understand that telling your W will hurt her (understatement) and would not be easy, but you have hurt the OW and survived. As for your children, I can understand not wanting to leave and how that would be devastating, BUT, they will adapt far more readily to regular visitation far more easily than seeing parents in a half marriage.

Yes, she knew I was married. We talked about the future. She knew I was trying to get myself to leave.

 

I don't see how I was "so cavalier" in hurting her. You really have no context to make that assumption. exOW and I tried ending it multiple times. We talked about possible scenarios, together and apart, multiple times. She knew I struggled with the idea of leaving my kids and what a D would do to them. I didn't promise her the world and then just decided to dump her one day.

 

Women aren't stupid, we pick up on our H's feelings, we can see when they are distracted or not loving. problem is, we usually blame ourselves when we don't know there is an A, as someone else said, gaslighting is, IMO, a form of the worse emotional abuse. I have lived it and it all but broke me, the truth is a relief. Ask yourself where you want to be in 20 yrs time and what sort of person do you want to be, and act on it. I do see, me, me, me in your post and think you are afraid - well it won't go away and I think you know that. Be the man you want to be and the one you can be proud of, whatever that means, at the very least be honest.

I want to be a father who was present and raised my kids, and that's the future I'm acting on.

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks FA, hope you had a good weekend.

 

Thanks hun. I did have a nice weekend.

 

I am glad to know that you did as well. Curious though as to if your weekend with the family was a weekend with the family (kids) or if you attempted to use the time to reconnect with your wife.

 

I really do hope you find a way to reconnect since you are determined to stay regardless. I wish you happiness above all else, so if you are going to stay I really wish you would put forth real effort into fixing what is broken.

 

And your thread didn't get shut down because you were gone per se, I think it had to do with all of the off topic posting that were full of conjecture about why you were gone.

[BHMM]

I think the OW forum is where BHMM landed - because he is mourning the loss of his OW relationship and is using the forum to explain to other OWs his reasoning.

 

The guilt for his choice has mostly lead to his mourning. If things were reversed and he decided to stay with the OW and leave his W, then I believe his guilt and mourning would be for his W and marriage.

Good insight, I think you're right.

[BHMM]

I'm wondering where BHMM went???? Many pages & he's silent.

 

Bottom line is ~ it's wrong what he did! Period. (I believe he knows this)

But it does not mean that he has to spill the beans NOW. He's made his decision to work on the marriage & not tell his wife.

 

What I'm curious about is - BHMM have you been able to keep NC?

I stepped away from the computer for the weekend.

 

Yes, still NC.

[BHMM]

BHMM, this whole thing is just SO wrong. You gave your OW crumbs, you gave your wife and kids crumbs and now you are still giving your wife the leftovers.

 

Leftovers might do for a day or two, but after that they should be thrown out. Sadly your wife doesn't even know that she is getting leftovers. She has to "settle" for a half assed marriage and she doesn't even know it.

You really screwed up, not just your life, but the OW's, the wife's and your kids and now you are trying to do the "right thing" and fix it. Don't you see that you can't fix it by yourself?

 

I hope you really comprehend what you have done to others that you profess to love.

I disagree that I've screwed up my kids' lives.

 

I think I do comprehend what I've done. I hope I haven't come across as proud of my actions.

[BHMM]

Hang in there, one step at a time. Call your wife and say hi if your are thinking of her.

Thanks, hope you're doing okay too.

[BB07]

I disagree that I've screwed up my kids' lives.

 

I think I do comprehend what I've done. I hope I haven't come across as proud of my actions.

 

No you don't come across as proud, which is a good thing.

 

Maybe my statement about your kids was harsh, but the kids weren't oblivious to your absences either in body and/or mind and it has to have had an effect on them and even if they didn't say it, they have had to sense that things were not right with mom and dad. You've done some damage, do you recognize that you have?

 

Did you and your wife fight a lot during the time of your affair?

[BHMM]

I've been working my way through this thread and have found it very interesting. I've been a BS and an OW. Neither is fun. I've never tried to recover a relationship from an A so that's something I have no expertise on.

 

I will say this in defense of BHMM. He ended the A. He recognized that he wasn't going to end the M and that he needed to react accordingly. He did. He is working at making things better. I agree he should tell his wife but I also think that he's doing what he's prepared for and capable of at the minute. He's said a few times that he isn't ruling it out, he just can't do it now.

 

I do still think that's selfish but I've also been in love and had the task of pulling myself together when the relationship ended. You can't snap your fingers and have it all better.

 

My thoughts. He's screuued up for the last 3 years and if it takes him 3 months or 6 months to get the gumption up to tell his W then so be it. Maybe he needs to build enough so that he can tell her. Maybe he's taking small bites so he can finish the meal without choking. Maybe he knows his limitations and he's doing the best he can right at this minute. Maybe he realizes that his best might be more in a few months. He knows as well as we do that if she stumbles across something or she approaches him about it again and he hesitates then he may well lose her.

 

For the moment he's done something and I pat him on the back for that. BHMM, I hope you do more because it is only fair to your W but at least you're doing something.

Thanks SB, I appreciate the comments. I do feel like I'm doing what I can within my own limitations at the moment, but I'm confident things will get better, and easier, with time.

[BHMM]

BHMM this is my first post. I am a brokenhearted OW and would like to know if you are still answering questions on this thread? My A ended in June also, not my choice. Your A has so many similarities to mine, especially in the way you felt for each other. I won't go into my questions until I see if you are even replying to this thread anymore.

Hi dolphinscry,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Feel free to ask me anything you want. I can't promise it'll help but I'll answer honestly and hopefully some good will come of it.

 

Take care.

[Thunderbolt]

Hello BHMM...

When I read your thread at the very beginning about a week ago, I was extremely interested as I'm a former OW. But before I knew it, the topic had completely mushroomed off topic with such a high volume of responses that I reluctantly decided to watch from the sidelines.

 

I'm happy you started another thread and hopefully I can pop some questions in before all the others find out that you're back.

 

First of all, I respect your choice to break it off with the OW to work on your marriage. I broke it off once and for all with my MM after a 4 year R. We've endured many NC periods along the way and it's never been easy for either of us to stay away. How have you been able to block the OW from your life with no thought of ever contacting her. I know for a fact that the best thing you could do for her is to never contact her as long as you plan on staying in your marriage, But I guess my question is, how can you make such a clean break without even looking back? How have you been able to block her from your life? Doesn't the feeling of loss ever make you consider, even for a moment, going back to her? Don't you ever get moments of weakness where you'd like to give up everything to be with her?

 

Thanks in advance for your response. I admire your ability to stick around here despite some of the chastising. I'm glad you're doing what's right for you. Nobody can take that away and nobody here truly knows what it's like to walk in another's shoes.

 

Good luck, I hope you and W can regain a relationship that works for you as well as her but also enriches your lives every day. You only get one shot at this life, make the most of it.

[BHMM]

BH if you are still answering posts I have a question for you.

 

Why is it that whenever I am out with xMM (for business) he feels the need to mention his W repeatedly. Noone else mentoins their spouse after all its business and she is not in our field (she doesnt work).

 

I know hes married. Noone has asked. He just raises it appropos of nothing again and again and again.

 

His view is that I shouldnt care now that the A is over. I think its terribly disrespectful and inconsiderate to me when he is there at my invitation (as his company's representative) and that he is doing it to annoy me.

 

As a result, I have asked his company to send someone else as their representative.

Wow, that is messed up. As some other people said, it definitely sounds like a power play or some kind of mind game. At the very least its insensitive and disrespectful. He knows what he's doing, especially if there is no reason or context for him to bring her up. Good move on requesting they send a new rep.

 

If I can ask, who ended the A?

[BHMM]

Hey BHMM....I hope you are ok, and that you are doing as well as can be expected...your doing a good job. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing, more courage or energy than I had, I commend you.

 

If you want PM me when you get that feature to let me know how you and your W are, or just to say hi and that your ok...GBU (((((((((BHMM))))))))

Thanks for thinking of me, and for the kind words.

[BHMM]

Seems BH abandoned this thread like he said he would. He's even proven his pattern here on the internet. Tough questions lead him to abandon and leave things unsaid and undone.

 

But at least he didn't lie to us about planning to do that.

 

Yeah' date=' I hope BH took some positive points away from this thread before he abandoned it.[/quote']

 

I am still amazed at the rationalizing away his reasons for abandoning this thread.

How's it going?

Edited September 6, 2010 by BHMM

[BHMM]

For a man who was trying to do the responsible, unselfish thing in staying with his wife - he probably posted on the wrong forum.

I think you're right.

 

I had thought he posted here to try to explain his position to other OWs.

Yes, thanks.

[BHMM]

Maybe... Maybe he abandoned the thread because he broke NC and is back in contact (and maybe more) with the OW. Everyone told him his attempts at fixing his marriage were doomed unless he disclosed the A. He was adamant about not disclosing the A, so maybe he decided to resume it.

No, and no.

[BHMM]

Thanks hun. I did have a nice weekend.

 

I am glad to know that you did as well. Curious though as to if your weekend with the family was a weekend with the family (kids) or if you attempted to use the time to reconnect with your wife.

A little of both. But things are moving in the right direction.

 

I really do hope you find a way to reconnect since you are determined to stay regardless. I wish you happiness above all else, so if you are going to stay I really wish you would put forth real effort into fixing what is broken.

Thanks, I really appreciate it. I am focused on putting forth that effort. Starting IC next week.

 

And your thread didn't get shut down because you were gone per se, I think it had to do with all of the off topic posting that were full of conjecture about why you were gone.

I see, thanks for the explanation.