Hello

[Owl]

BHMM-

 

I'd posted a list of specific actions that you could/should be taking to rebuild your marriage.

 

You seemed to appreciate them.

 

I'd like to follow up and ask if you've implemented any of that advice?

 

Have you started any ACTIVE effort to recover/rebuild your marriage?

 

If so...what?

 

If not...why not?

 

I think it's time to change your focus, my friend. Rather than focus on the "what might have beens"...time to focus on your goals, and how to actively reach them.

[mtndew]

BHMM,

 

Welcome back, I was hoping you'd come back, it has been interesting watching from the sidelines and I am glad you had a great holiday... without the computer.

 

I too am a MM who had a short but intense EA with an incredible single OW over 3 years ago. I too am working on a tough marriage that just went thru its 22nd year. I too am "staying for the kids" and can see the results of my being deeply involved in their daily life. And I too struggle daily with the thoughts of OW.

 

I guess I am chiming in on this forum and thread to answer to the OW's out there concerning their MM. Do I think of her? Yes, I do still think of her often. I still love her deeply. More deeply than I have ever loved. The intense EA ended just short of becoming a full blown PA over 3 years ago. I respect her privacy and she mine. Although we are not total NC, contact is rare and when it does occur it is always the basics. We live in a small big town, so crossing paths happens from time to time. There are no promises, no fishing on either side, no talk of the future. How do I cope? I keep busy, I am self employed, run kids everywhere, work on "fixing the M", work on "fixing me", walk, bike, etc. And like I try to explain to my kid when he asks if I prefer a Lamborgini or a Ferrari, I say I don't kill myself worrying about things I know I can't have. But that doesn' stop the thoughts of what if.

 

So I continue to work on what I do have, a marriage that struggles at best primarily because we are not the same people we were when we promised til death do us part. The blame for that is mainly due to OW who showed me that there was a life to live out there. I know, I know, pie in the sky fog. BS! Do yourself a favor and BW a favor and leave the M. The kids will be fine in the longhaul. Easier said than done. Kinda like those thoughts and triggers of OW,

 

Hang in BHMM and thanks for the thread.

[Confused4Now]

So I continue to work on what I do have, a marriage that struggles at best primarily because we are not the same people we were when we promised til death do us part. The blame for that is mainly due to OW who showed me that there was a life to live out there. I know, I know, pie in the sky fog. BS! Do yourself a favor and BW a favor and leave the M. The kids will be fine in the longhaul. Easier said than done. Kinda like those thoughts and triggers of OW,

 

Hang in BHMM and thanks for the thread.

Trust me when I tell you the kids will be fine. My kids are much happier to see both my xW apart after 2 years removed. Even though I was the primary caregiver in every sense...nothings changed with the relationship of my adult kids. MW did show me how I could find love again and is why I left my marriage. Even though she stayed in her. I didn't want to settle ever again.

[SouthernLady]

Good Afternoon!

 

Some of you mentioned why NC is more difficult after more time passes. My belief is that it becomes more difficult because it's a sacrifice...similar to when you are dieting or something.

 

Also, in any normal relationship NC is not a normal concept, IMO. When you love someone it's not normal to hold your feelings inside or pretend that you don't have any feelings at all. To me, NC goes against human nature. It's not wrong that we love another person, it was wrong because he or she was M or committed to another.

 

In addition, I believe NC is more difficult because we wonder and question were the feelings real, does the person even care because in the back of our mind we thought they would reach out by now if he or she cared. The human part of wondering and questioning is what has probably led us to even consider a relationship with a M person.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[John Who]

What bothers me so much about your authenticity/sincerity is you say you are fixing your marriage, but you are on the OW board talking to OW's about your A and your xOW.

 

If you were really sincere, I think you would/could/should be over on the Infidelity board looking for ways to reach what you say is your goal.

 

Thats exactly what I was thinking.

[Owl]

I think that NC is harder for some people simply because they don't truly grieve the end of the affair. I don't think that they truly accept that the affair, the relationship with the other person...is over for life.

 

They still hold out the hope deep down that someday they can still be together.

 

And that hope is what prevents them from "moving on". Prevents them from taking the actions needed to heal. To reconcile and repair the relationship they're already in.

 

That's why NC has to be a complete, permanent thing. It can't be done by halvsies. It can't be LC...you can't maintain that friendship.

 

I suspect that BHMM (and others) hasn't accepted the fact (deep down) that there is no going back, and no going forward with this other person at some point in the future. I think that they still hold the glimmer of hope that somehow they'll still be together.

 

And it could come true. As long as they hold out that hope...they hold out fully re-investing themselves in the marriage. They hold out allowing others the chance to potentially fulfill a romantic relationship with them if they're the OW/OM. And I think that there's a belief (again, deel down) that if they just keep themselves "available" long enough...it'll happen.

 

It might happen in BHMM's case. If he never reinvests in his marriage...he stands a decent chance of the marriage ending, freeing him to be with OW.

 

That's why CHOICE is the key factor here.

 

You have to CHOOSE to do what you do.

 

My wife, shortly after our d-day, while she was still coping with the loss of her OM, went shopping one day while I was at work. I walked over to the shopping center she was in when I got off work, and she rushed to show me a plaque that she found with a saying (supposedly from Confuscious) on it.

 

She said that it explained why she couldn't go to live with OM. It explained why she had to give our marriage a chance.

 

It read:

 

"Wherever you go, go there with all of your heart".

 

She couldn't leave to go be with OM...because she couldn't go there with all of her heart.

 

BHMM (and others) should consider this. I'm not telling them "where their heart is". But I AM saying that they need to "go there with all of their heart". They need to pick a direction...and commit fully and completely to that direction. If it's NC and working on the marriage...then go there with all of your heart. If it's divorce and living with the OW...go there with all of your heart. If it's living your life to the fullest, and you know that MM can't/won't be there....then go there with all of your heart.

 

But don't do any less than that.

[someday]

BHMM,

 

I’m a fairly simple person who wishes to live a simple life. I believe with all my heart that I make my life what I want it to be by my actions. I fully understand that not everything in life will go my way and that much in life is not exactly what I want or how I planned it to be. However, I also know that I have the power within myself to decide if my current situation is worth my continued time and effort.

 

Having said all that I’ll tell you that you can make your life anything that you want it to be; you want to love your W, to make the M work (for whatever your reasons) then do it. Put your all into it. If, after a sufficient amount of time/effort, you’re still not feeling it then move on with a clear conscious knowing that you *really* gave it your very best….but you have to truly give the effort your all, no half assing allowed. No wistfully thinking back on time shared with OW, no romanizing the memory of her and no internal completion between OW and your W.

 

Understand that you lead yourself to this place and you must find your way thru it. Don’t sugar coat it for yourself. It will take time to come to terms with the outcomes of your actions.

 

Find the silver lining.

[Lizzie60]

Has she tried to contact you?

[Minnie09]

Chiming in on the discussion on why NC is harder as time goes by. It's harder because the reality check kicks in not immediately, but with a delay.

 

Starting NC is something you do because you think you have to. It's not internalized. It's just something that you make yourself do (or, even worse, someone else forces you into it). In the back of your head, though, there's always a little bit of hope waiting for the contact to be reestablished. Whether you admit it or not. You are still hoping, waiting, pining. NC is just an empty shell in the beginning.

 

As time goes by, though, hope dwindles. That hurts. It's reality now and that's the stage where NC becomes a hard fact. It gets more and more unlikely that there will be any more contact. Reality check done. Hope gone. Time to move on. Pain. Ouch. That's why NC gets hard later rather than immediately.

 

Nietzsche said it very well: "Hope is the worst of all evils, for it prolongs the torment of man."

 

IOW: Hope is a bitch.

Edited September 7, 2010 by Minnie09

[bohogirl]

You really have come up with a very plausible explanation.

[Ellin]

Dolphin, you make a good point. I've been NC for 10 weeks and the last couple seem to be harder than at the beginning. BHMM mentioned this too. Why is this? I thought time was supposed to heal.

 

Hi Thunderbolt, so sorry about your pain.

 

I was wondering if in the beginning of NC people are just glad that they're able to carry on with their lives regardless, as they had thought they wouldn't be able to, so they think they're stronger that expected.

 

The first few days seems to be easier and easier so they think "oh, it's not so bad and if the trend continues I'll be ok very soon" but then the initial "high" wears off and it's back to the daily routine and all the problems that were there before (which partly caused the A) are still there.

 

Time is supposed to heal but sometimes the healing is very slow and if we miss someone it can get worse with time.

 

Many posters report such setbacks during NC and this probably cannot be avoided, but maybe several weeks or months is not enough to make real progress?

 

So sad.

[Ellin]

Trust me when I tell you the kids will be fine. My kids are much happier to see both my xW apart after 2 years removed. Even though I was the primary caregiver in every sense...nothings changed with the relationship of my adult kids. MW did show me how I could find love again and is why I left my marriage. Even though she stayed in her. I didn't want to settle ever again.

 

Are your kids adults? That makes a difference to children under 10, don't you think?

[Ellin]

I think that NC is harder for some people simply because they don't truly grieve the end of the affair. I don't think that they truly accept that the affair, the relationship with the other person...is over for life.

 

They still hold out the hope deep down that someday they can still be together.

 

And that hope is what prevents them from "moving on". Prevents them from taking the actions needed to heal. To reconcile and repair the relationship they're already in.

 

.

 

Some that are grieveing the loss of the "love of their life" (A) have no other R to reconcile and repair.

[Owl]

Some that are grieveing the loss of the "love of their life" (A) have no other R to reconcile and repair.

 

Agreed...which is why I also included:

 

"They hold out allowing others the chance to potentially fulfill a romantic relationship with them if they're the OW/OM. "

 

Even if there's no other relationship to repair...they still need to allow themselves to heal. They're still denying themselves the opportunity to someday begin a relationship with someone else...to find another "love of their life".

 

Not all marriages survive infidelity. This doesn't JUST apply to the OW/OM...it could well apply to the MM/MW as well.

[NoIDidn't]

There really is no point in going NC if one is going to pine for the other person, or hold out hope that things could be different.

 

I think pining for another person is a huge disservice to self.

[Owl]

There really is no point in going NC if one is going to pine for the other person, or hold out hope that things could be different.

 

I think pining for another person is a huge disservice to self.

 

Per my signature:

 

"Do, or do not. There is no try."

 

You can say what you want to about the little furry guy...he was one wise muppet!

[KarmasTestDummy]

There really is no point in going NC if one is going to pine for the other person, or hold out hope that things could be different.

 

I think pining for another person is a huge disservice to self.

 

I respectfully disagree 100%. why would I chose to stay in contact and sabotage his best efforts? Why would I accept having the burden of ruining someone's life and destroying their family? Cause I can guarantee you the w will be blaming me' not him or herself. That doesn't change my love for him one bit and doesn't change my need to greive or even my secret desire that things will happen naturally in time, but it is the one thing I can control. The only circumstance.

[Owl]

I respectfully disagree 100%. why would I chose to stay in contact and sabotage his best efforts? Why would I accept having the burden of ruining someone's life and destroying their family? Cause I can guarantee you the w will be blaming me' not him or herself. That doesn't change my love for him one bit and doesn't change my need to greive or even my secret desire that things will happen naturally in time, but it is the one thing I can control. The only circumstance.

 

Grieving is one thing...pining is another.

 

If you're grieving the end of the relationship...that's normal, natural, and even potentially productive. It creates the opportunity for you to heal and even eventually move on in your life.

 

If you're pining and placing your life on hold with the hope of the relationship continuing...that's a good bit less productive.

[Owl]

And to steer this back on topic to the OP...that's the question still posed to BHMM.

 

Is he truly working to rebuild his marriage...or is he placing his life on hold, passively seeing if the marriage will heal itself, and secretly yearning that it doesn't?

 

It all comes back to CHOICE, as I said earlier.

[confusedinkansas]

Is he truly working to rebuild his marriage...or is he placing his life on hold, passively seeing if the marriage will heal itself, and secretly yearning that it doesn't?

 

This is how I believe most are in the early stages of NC.

 

You try to psych yourself into thinking that everything will be ok - Sort of the "Fake It Til You Make It" theory. For some it works, for others not so much.

 

NC is not easy. But over time, when you focus on something else besides the affair - It does get easier. The memories of that person are more in the distance than right in front of you & still fresh.

 

BHMM since your NC is fairly new, you will have many triggers that will make you remember the OW - My advice to you is.....Keep moving. Don't stop & ponder on a song, a restaurant, a certain smell. Just Keep Moving. Don't let it disable you -

If you take the advice (or even little tid-bits of info) from those here in LS - You'll be fine. Really! and - who knows, your marriage may very well be better than you ever thought it would or could be.

[Thunderbolt]

Thanks so much Ellin. NC is tough but not impossible. Everyone has great insight as to why NC gets more difficult with time. I'll be honest, I still hold hope in my heart that he'll D and come back for me. But, I keep trying to tell myself that this isn't likely.

 

 

"Where ever you go, go there with all of your heart." Owl, this is so spot on. I couldn't agree more. I initiated another NC this past spring. I told MM that we would never make it if he didn't give his M an honest shot. Nearly 2 months went by and he contacted me. But, him and W didn't even mention the A. He claimed that they had been too busy. I was so mad! If you're going to stay in your marriage, then work at it 100%!!! If you're not willing to do this, then get out. I spent one day with MM when I found this out and went back into NC. Here I am, 10 weeks later, wondering if he's found time to address his marital issues.

[Owl]

This is how I believe most are in the early stages of NC.

 

You try to psych yourself into thinking that everything will be ok - Sort of the "Fake It Til You Make It" theory. For some it works, for others not so much.

 

NC is not easy. But over time, when you focus on something else besides the affair - It does get easier. The memories of that person are more in the distance than right in front of you & still fresh.

 

BHMM since your NC is fairly new, you will have many triggers that will make you remember the OW - My advice to you is.....Keep moving. Don't stop & ponder on a song, a restaurant, a certain smell. Just Keep Moving. Don't let it disable you -

If you take the advice (or even little tid-bits of info) from those here in LS - You'll be fine. Really! and - who knows, your marriage may very well be better than you ever thought it would or could be.

 

I agree with this, CIK. Especially the bolded bit, but also with the recommendation to "just keep moving".

 

The trick here is...keep moving IN A CONSTANT DIRECTION.

 

Towards your goal.

[2sunny]

Thanks so much Ellin. NC is tough but not impossible. Everyone has great insight as to why NC gets more difficult with time. I'll be honest, I still hold hope in my heart that he'll D and come back for me. But, I keep trying to tell myself that this isn't likely.

 

 

"Where ever you go, go there with all of your heart." Owl, this is so spot on. I couldn't agree more. I initiated another NC this past spring. I told MM that we would never make it if he didn't give his M an honest shot. Nearly 2 months went by and he contacted me. But, him and W didn't even mention the A. He claimed that they had been too busy. I was so mad! If you're going to stay in your marriage, then work at it 100%!!! If you're not willing to do this, then get out. I spent one day with MM when I found this out and went back into NC. Here I am, 10 weeks later, wondering if he's found time to address his marital issues.

 

 

see this is the problem when an OW appears that she's not moving FORWARD - she spends so much time and energy wondering and worrying what her MM (xMM) may or may not be doing - that she forgets to put herself and her best interest first and foremost.

 

do for self first ----> then when you are in a good place share healthy self with others.

 

stop worrying what he's doing...start DOING for self.

[Silly_Girl]

[/b]

 

 

see this is the problem when an OW appears that she's not moving FORWARD - she spends so much time and energy wondering and worrying what her MM (xMM) may or may not be doing - that she forgets to put herself and her best interest first and foremost.

 

do for self first ----> then when you are in a good place share healthy self with others.

 

stop worrying what he's doing...start DOING for self.

 

I remember NC and thinking 'oh, but we arranged to do this', and 'we have tickets for that'... It just made it harder for things to sink in. Made it incredulous it had all stopped dead.

 

But recently I had started planning without MM. Why did I have so much enthusiasm for things with him, but not the same enthusiasm for things alone, or with friends... It felt a bit pathetic, to be honest. But it took time and my counsellor said one day 'it sounds like you'll be hurt, if he doesn't pull through, but you'll be okay - you've got everything sorted'. And I realised I had. Plans and goals and me-time and weekends away. Long showers with the music blaring. I started to realise how much I could enjoy with no sign of MM.

 

It's very difficult. It's certainly a discipline. Something you elect to do, and then... well... DO!!

[Thunderbolt]

2sunny, I couldn't agree with you more. I'm trying...

 

I was trying to make a point about the MM choosing a direction and going full steam ahead.