2sunny Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 are you planning to tell your counselor right away that you had an affair and fell in love with your OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Sorry I messed up your name above, someday! Link to post Share on other sites
terrific Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 Before this, what was the longest you two were apart? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Chiming in on the discussion on why NC is harder as time goes by. It's harder because the reality check kicks in not immediately, but with a delay. Starting NC is something you do because you think you have to. It's not internalized. It's just something that you make yourself do (or, even worse, someone else forces you into it). In the back of your head, though, there's always a little bit of hope waiting for the contact to be reestablished. Whether you admit it or not. You are still hoping, waiting, pining. NC is just an empty shell in the beginning. As time goes by, though, hope dwindles. That hurts. It's reality now and that's the stage where NC becomes a hard fact. It gets more and more unlikely that there will be any more contact. Reality check done. Hope gone. Time to move on. Pain. Ouch. That's why NC gets hard later rather than immediately. Nietzsche said it very well: "Hope is the worst of all evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." IOW: Hope is a bitch. Great post, Minnie. I agree with all of it. After a certain amount of time, the likelihood of the AP breaking NC fades, and reality sets in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 are you planning to tell your counselor right away that you had an affair and fell in love with your OW? Yes; do you think that's okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Before this, what was the longest you two were apart? We did about a month of NC when we sort of broke up the middle of the A. So this has been by far the longest. Link to post Share on other sites
terrific Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 Don't you look back and ask yourself why you didn't stick with it the first go round? Seriously it is an awful feeling, and can honestly say I have never felt like this before. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 Yes; do you think that's okay? i think honesty is the quickest way to heal. how can it be fixed if you don't tell what went wrong? telling your truth is key. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 There really is no point in going NC if one is going to pine for the other person, or hold out hope that things could be different. I think pining for another person is a huge disservice to self. I don't know if this was directed at me, but I don't think I'm pining, and I'm definitely not holding out hope for exOW. The A is over and I'm likely never going to talk to or see exOW again. I posted to offer insight into my perspective, to vent, and to help myself grieve and get over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 This is how I believe most are in the early stages of NC. You try to psych yourself into thinking that everything will be ok - Sort of the "Fake It Til You Make It" theory. For some it works, for others not so much. NC is not easy. But over time, when you focus on something else besides the affair - It does get easier. The memories of that person are more in the distance than right in front of you & still fresh. BHMM since your NC is fairly new, you will have many triggers that will make you remember the OW - My advice to you is.....Keep moving. Don't stop & ponder on a song, a restaurant, a certain smell. Just Keep Moving. Don't let it disable you - If you take the advice (or even little tid-bits of info) from those here in LS - You'll be fine. Really! and - who knows, your marriage may very well be better than you ever thought it would or could be. Thanks for the advice confused, it's very well taken. "Keep moving", I like that as a mantra. I do feel like I was just going through a rough patch when I posted last week, but things are getting better. Hope things are well with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 It's very difficult. It's certainly a discipline. Something you elect to do, and then... well... DO!! Well said SG. Getting her out of my thoughts and focusing on my real present life absolutely feels like a discipline, like a battle inside my mind. But I think I'm winning... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Don't you look back and ask yourself why you didn't stick with it the first go round? Seriously it is an awful feeling, and can honestly say I have never felt like this before. Definitely. But she broke NC and it was easy to fall back into things. It is awful, but we have to believe it'll get better. We are strong and resilient. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 i think honesty is the quickest way to heal. how can it be fixed if you don't tell what went wrong? telling your truth is key. Okay, good, that's what I was planning on doing. Thanks 2sunny. Link to post Share on other sites
terrific Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 Do you think you would have contacted her had she not contacted you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 I see BHMM is still willing to answer questions and has not confined this to just questions from OW; so... I echo Owl's questions asking BHMM what he is doing/planning, to heal his marriage and relationship with his wife? I'm doing what I can right now, which is being present and attentive to, and appreciative of, my W and kids. I'm moving in the right direction as I work through this. As another who has managed this, I can say that merely spending more time with your wife and children is unlikely to suddenly recreate intimacy and affection with your wife. Point taken. Though I don't expect anything I'm doing to suddenly recreate anything within my M. I understand it's a process and it will take time. You seem adamant BHMM that this (recover your marraige) is what you want to do, and that the affair is over, despite you still mourning its loss. It would be a pity to see you fail because you never quite understood how to go about healing your marriage. I appreciate your concern. The A is over, and I am "still" grieving... though I think I might have only just started grieving, since the first couple months of NC weren't very difficult for whatever reason. In any case, I'm not preoccupied with failing in what I've set out to do. I'm focused on rebuilding my M and I know I'm moving in the right direction. If in a couple months I'm still grieving, and seem to be treading water, then I'll know I need to address some issues. Right now I'm on the path and I'm making progress. You and Owl will just have to trust me on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 I think in my situation why it has gotten harder is because in the beginning I was sure I would hear from him again. Now that it has been 2 months I am starting to accept the fact that I won't hear from him again. And that is heart breaking to me. That is so hard to hear dolphinscry, I can't imagine things ending that way. I'm so sorry you're heartbroken. But ask yourself this: do you want to hear from him again, after the way he cut you off? Does part of you feel like he's shown his true colors? I just can't believe someone would end a R like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 There's always time. That is not my fear. I'm only 29, with a good head on my shoulders. I know I can find love again. The sadness only comes from knowing I wanted it to be him. That can resolve itself easily just by being given unconditional love by someone who has no prior commitments. Good for you, KTD. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 are you exercising at all? it can help you feel mentally and physically stronger. on another note - do you ever worry your wife may find you posting here on LS? if she checked your computer she may see you here... Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Do you think you would have contacted her had she not contacted you? I honestly don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 are you exercising at all? it can help you feel mentally and physically stronger. Yes, pretty much every day. You? on another note - do you ever worry your wife may find you posting here on LS? if she checked your computer she may see you here... Not really. Link to post Share on other sites
terrific Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 I honestly don't know. Good honest answer. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BHMM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Share Posted September 8, 2010 Good honest answer. Thanks. No problem. Take care, & have a good night! Link to post Share on other sites
terrific Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 No problem. Take care, & have a good night! You too, get some sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 are you exercising at all? it can help you feel mentally and physically stronger. Yes, pretty much every day. You? yes, i exercise my mind, body and spirit. but i'm one of those gals that works out to stay strong... i have to work hard to keep weight on. if i even lose 3 pounds i don't feel the strength i need. exercise will also help you rest well at night. Link to post Share on other sites
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 8, 2010 Share Posted September 8, 2010 Random what if question for you! If...a big if, things still don't work out with u and w and you find yourself divorced a year from now. Would you contact OW again? Would you want to but not because of fear of intruding on her life so much later? Fear of finding her moved on and happy and over you? Is the fantasy of her always loving you more desirable than risking learning otherwise? Regardless of whether I've moved on or not, regardless if it's a year later or 10 years later..if mm divorces and still holds feelings for me I pray he will contact me that and give me' that choice to make..either to love or obtain closure. Link to post Share on other sites
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