Hello

[BHMM]

No you don't come across as proud, which is a good thing.

Okay, good.

 

Maybe my statement about your kids was harsh, but the kids weren't oblivious to your absences either in body and/or mind and it has to have had an effect on them and even if they didn't say it, they have had to sense that things were not right with mom and dad. You've done some damage, do you recognize that you have?

Yes, you're absolutely right, I do see that.

 

Did you and your wife fight a lot during the time of your affair?

No, just a lot of distance, silence and absence (physical and mental).

[terrific]

Thanks, hope you're doing okay too.

My day stunk so I had carb overload. I ate some Moose Tracks for you too.

[Thunderbolt]

Hello BHMM...

When I read your thread at the very beginning about a week ago, I was extremely interested as I'm a former OW. But before I knew it, the topic had completely mushroomed off topic with such a high volume of responses that I reluctantly decided to watch from the sidelines.

 

I'm happy you started another thread and hopefully I can pop some questions in before all the others find out that you're back.

 

First of all, I respect your choice to break it off with the OW to work on your marriage. I broke it off once and for all with my MM after a 4 year R. We've endured many NC periods along the way and it's never been easy for either of us to stay away. How have you been able to block the OW from your life with no thought of ever contacting her. I know for a fact that the best thing you could do for her is to never contact her as long as you plan on staying in your marriage, But I guess my question is, how can you make such a clean break without even looking back? How have you been able to block her from your life? Doesn't the feeling of loss ever make you consider, even for a moment, going back to her? Don't you ever get moments of weakness where you'd like to give up everything to be with her?

 

Thanks in advance for your response. I admire your ability to stick around here despite some of the chastising. I'm glad you're doing what's right for you. Nobody can take that away and nobody here truly knows what it's like to walk in another's shoes.

 

Good luck, I hope you and W can regain a relationship that works for you as well as her but also enriches your lives every day. You only get one shot at this life, make the most of it.

[BHMM]

Hello BHMM...

When I read your thread at the very beginning about a week ago, I was extremely interested as I'm a former OW. But before I knew it, the topic had completely mushroomed off topic with such a high volume of responses that I reluctantly decided to watch from the sidelines.

 

I'm happy you started another thread and hopefully I can pop some questions in before all the others find out that you're back.

Hi Thunderbolt, thanks for the kind words.

 

First of all, I respect your choice to break it off with the OW to work on your marriage. I broke it off once and for all with my MM after a 4 year R. We've endured many NC periods along the way and it's never been easy for either of us to stay away.

I hear you on that; I know how addicting the A can be.

 

How have you been able to block the OW from your life with no thought of ever contacting her. I know for a fact that the best thing you could do for her is to never contact her as long as you plan on staying in your marriage, But I guess my question is, how can you make such a clean break without even looking back?

I'm not sure how to answer this. By sheer force of will? I think it's like breaking any other addiction, you have to suck it up and put yourself through a period of detox. It's really hard and it feels impossible sometimes, but it does get easier. You just have to tell yourself you'll get through this week, this day, this moment.

 

Like you, my exOW and I tried ending things several times during the course of the R. But then one of us would always break down and contact the other, even though we're both pretty stubborn. I think by the time I ended it 3 months ago, we both just knew this was it, it was over. It had been so long and things weren't happening and we both knew it had to end.

 

How have you been able to block her from your life? Doesn't the feeling of loss ever make you consider, even for a moment, going back to her? Don't you ever get moments of weakness where you'd like to give up everything to be with her?

Absolutely, I experience all of those thoughts and emotions, at least once a day. It gets easier, but yes I still visualize what it would be like if I'd chosen to be with her. I don't dwell on it, and it crosses my mind less and less as time goes on, but those thoughts are definitely there. I guess I tell myself, it's okay to have those thoughts; they're not real life.

 

One thing that's also helped me with this lately is reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It really hits home the idea that these wayward thoughts we all have are controlling us and pulling us out of the moment, and can if left unchecked destroy us by focusing all our attention on what-if scenarios.

 

Also, she hasn't tried to contact me, so she's either suffering through NC like I am, or she's moved on (or both). I am trying to respect that.

 

Finally, I know I can call her or email her any time, but really, what would I say? I can't waste any more of her time.

 

Thanks in advance for your response. I admire your ability to stick around here despite some of the chastising. I'm glad you're doing what's right for you. Nobody can take that away and nobody here truly knows what it's like to walk in another's shoes.

 

Good luck, I hope you and W can regain a relationship that works for you as well as her but also enriches your lives every day. You only get one shot at this life, make the most of it.

Thanks again for the kind thoughts.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I am new here, but your post is one I followed intensely. I think we all want to know your perspective. Especially those of us who are in NC from our MM. I want to know that he loved me. That I wasn't just a whim or fancy of his for a fleeting moment. It helps that you can say it is just as hard for you, that you still think of OW and that you would support other women in her position is reassurance that my MM may have more integrity to him than currently meets the eye. I dint think we necessarily want to hear that you have no intent on going back to her, since so many of us hold on to that smidgen of hope, but it helps all the same. I know that if I never hear from mine again it will be for the very same reasons, his children. There is no way to compete for that piece of him, and I would never want to. His love for his children and his do anything to protect them was probably one of his most desirable traits to me. I'm scared, like many of the OW here that we will never find our true happiness, but I think in reading your post, I am more scared for you never finding your happiness than her...because you are the one who chose to settle for less than satisfied. She is single and still afforded that opportunity. It was a very selfless sacrifice and I wish you all the joy you can find in the lot you choose.

[jj33]

Wow, that is messed up. As some other people said, it definitely sounds like a power play or some kind of mind game. At the very least its insensitive and disrespectful. He knows what he's doing, especially if there is no reason or context for him to bring her up. Good move on requesting they send a new rep.

 

If I can ask, who ended the A?

 

 

Initially I did. Then he seemed to be coming back with more of a future but he immediately realized he wasnt ready to commit to that and then a year later he came back again with nothing and I was extremely angry. Then another year later after much figthing (at work which is never good he used work as a way to do I dont know what and when I would say this is personal whats on your mind he would say why do you still bring up the past this is business) then a few months he said he needed to speak to me, met him and he rambled on about his assets (something we had never discussed as it wasnt why I was with him) and said we wanted to continue talking about (was really odd) it and a month later when I asked him what that was all about he said it was nothing just a business lunch. Then the other behavior.

 

My sense is he was thinking again about leaving, I didnt fawn all over him and tell him how much I missed him (but really after being told that I should stop bringing up the past why would I) he thought better of it.

 

Its all just a shame. We managed to carry on a cordial business relatonship for a year or two after the A and then suddenly he became aggressive for no apparent reason. I say aggressive but when I have asked him about it he always said its my imagination and he was just conducting business like he would with anyone else. I dont even ask anymore. I just avoid him as much as I can which is a real shame. We were great allies even after the A ended.

 

I had lunch today with a friend of his Ws. Ugghhh. Shes really lovely and doesnt know but of course they came up in conversation. Felt so silly.

 

BH I feel for you but at the same time your thread really made me ashamed that I ever got involved in the whole thing. As wonderful as it was at the time, its been h*llish for the past year or so. On balance definitely not worth it. And it didnt have to be this way. It could have continued to be smooth sailing and then I wouldnt regret it.

[September]

I have some questions, if you could answer, please...

 

How do you cope with still having feelings for OW? Somedays I feel sick missing him.

 

Is it easy to walk away and give up on the love?

 

If your xOW, really struggled getting over you and kept telling you how much she loves and missed you, would you see that as desperate?

 

What triggers your memories of your relationship with her?

 

Do you feel guilty for ending it with her?

[AlexaBlue]

I feel soooooooooooooo sorry for your OW. If you think you are feeling bad she is feeling 10x worse than you are. You have absolutely devastated her. You mentioned that maybe she has moved on - she has not moved on in only 3 months!! - you have your W to move on with but she has no one. It is a very lonely, cold world where she is right now.

 

I find it very strange that you seem so sure that you are doing the right thing? Honestly, why is that?

 

You have already destroyed the R with your W by having the A whether you want to come clean about it or not - it is done - you cannot erase the past. It is difficult to face the end of a M (especially for men) but I think you are just prolonging the inevitable.

 

I know from experience that staying for the kids does not work - I mean your intentions are good - it's a noble idea - but if that primary R is not working (you are in love with someone else!) - you will not be able to sustain things long term - no matter how many roses you buy or vacations you take.

 

The most important thing is to be true to yourself (you are not) everything else will fall in to place eventually (of course there will be hardship along the way). I too have struggled with this for a long time. There are lessons I know I need to teach my children (that can be taught to children by parents whether they are together OR separated) lessons like to be true to yourself and that it is okay to make mistakes etc. etc.

 

I am not trying to change your mind - you seem so resolute about what you are doing (which I find strange) I don't think anybody would be able to. I'm just writing from my own experience and my A, which I'm embarrassed to admit, lasted quite a lot longer than yours (and we were both M). I just fear for the regrets you may have later on when it is too late to change things.

 

Some other food for thought:

My own parents divorced several years ago after 35 years of M. I always knew growing up that it was never a great M.

My mother has told me that she wishes she had left a lot earlier when she was younger and it would have been easier to meet someone else and move on (she hasn't). I said "so why didn't you?" She said "Because I had four kids".

Noble what she did but she now has regrets. And do you know how that makes me feel as 1 of those 4 kids? She is now spending her retirement years alone. Anyway, this is just a thought on the topic but it just makes me think about the choices people make in life - after all, we only get one shot at it.

[ceppisfield]

My first post on this forum, and I'mglad I did..

 

BHMM, I commend you for taking the route you did.

 

That said, I have to answer alot of the OW ?? here:

 

Although it hurt me to see the pain of the OW and what our actions caused, it hurt more to see the pain on my (now) wifes face. I could never live with that. I fell in love with her a long time ago, and seeing her hurt really crucified my soul. She didn't deserve my dishonesty or my non-communication. I effed up big time.

 

My wife has her demons and troubles; so do I. to me, it is a package-for better or worse. Although I wish OW well, I don't wonder or search or pine for her. My life would not have been better served by having her by my side.

 

 

I am sorry that you never confessed; my wife discovered my affair, and I acted shamefully in the aftermath. My advice is to tell and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would tell. But I am here and only one person who is anonymous, so I can only say do what you think is best.

[whichwayisup]

What bothers me so much about your authenticity/sincerity is you say you are fixing your marriage, but you are on the OW board talking to OW's about your A and your xOW.

 

If you were really sincere, I think you would/could/should be over on the Infidelity board looking for ways to reach what you say is your goal.

 

I hope BHMM moves over to the infidelity thread too, but only when he's ready to. He is far from ready, seems he nees input from OW here to help him get over his own exOW before he can focus and reconnect with his wife.

 

Though I DO believe if he created a thread asking how to reconnect with his wife, what he truly can do to get over his exOW and put that love and energy into the mother of his children, it would be a good thing and maybe give him the push he needs to just focus on his wife and not worry so much about the exOW. But again, he isn't ready to commit to just talking and focussing on his wife right now, and even more so when many OW are asking him questions and thoughts about their own affair, and comparing it to their own situation.

 

I will come give you a (nice) swift kick in the butt if you are still just posting about your exOW come October and no mention of how you're doing inside and what changes you're working on yourself so you'll be open to your wife and recommitting to the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Although it hurt me to see the pain of the OW and what our actions caused, it hurt more to see the pain on my (now) wifes face.

 

And this may be the wake up call that BHMM needs. To confess and experience, see the pain he's caused his wife. His emotions will do a 180 and he'll instantly realize and prioritize his wife over his exOW. Right now it seems he STILL is more emotionally attached to her than his own wife.

 

If his wife knew, then he would be suffering consquences and have a deeper understanding of how badly he's messed up. He can say it all he wants to now, but he hasn't "felt" ANY consquence except losing his OW and causing her pain. And the exOW KNEW he was married, had young children under the age of 10, so she isn't innocent in any of this, she was a grown woman who made a choice to continue to get involved with a MM for 3 years. She has own her part in the A and not blame BHMM for all of her pain.

[2sunny]

has your wife noticed your change in acting interested in/connect to the family?

 

if so, how do you explain your change in attitude to her?

[TOWinNYC]

My first post on this forum, and I'mglad I did..

 

BHMM, I commend you for taking the route you did.

 

That said, I have to answer alot of the OW ?? here:

 

Although it hurt me to see the pain of the OW and what our actions caused, it hurt more to see the pain on my (now) wifes face. I could never live with that. I fell in love with her a long time ago, and seeing her hurt really crucified my soul. She didn't deserve my dishonesty or my non-communication. I effed up big time.

 

Facetiously, I'm going to say - then why aren't you dead?

 

My wife has her demons and troubles; so do I. to me, it is a package-for better or worse. Although I wish OW well, I don't wonder or search or pine for her. My life would not have been better served by having her by my side.

 

Then that's the biggest difference between you and BHMM, isn't it? You apparently never truly loved your OW. BHMM did. Which is the reason why he's hurting as much as he is.

 

I am sorry that you never confessed; my wife discovered my affair, and I acted shamefully in the aftermath. My advice is to tell and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would tell. But I am here and only one person who is anonymous, so I can only say do what you think is best.

 

Since everyone's validity seems to be questioned here recently (including BHMM), I'm going to say you sound like a BW masquerading as a WH. Saying things that BWs would like to hear. Just saying.

[TOWinNYC]

Right now it seems he STILL is more emotionally attached to her than his own wife.

 

And I'm going to say SO WHAT? That may be the reason why he's here, on this forum, instead of the Infidelity/Marriage one.

 

Everyone has a different threshold, level and ability to deal with things. Some people fall in and out of love quickly. Others don't - but when they do fall in love, they fall hard. My point is, everyone is different.

 

BHMM is hurting and telling his story here.

 

He's here on the OM/OW board answering questions that other OW might have, perhaps (most likely) as a way to get over his OW. And because he's here (and not on the Infidelity/Marriage board) I don't think he has to justify his actions (in terms of tell/don't tell).

 

He said in his very first post he was having a hard time dealing with NC. So it's taking him some time to get over SOMEONE HE TRULY LOVED. Is that so horrible?

[pureinheart]

I am new here, but your post is one I followed intensely. I think we all want to know your perspective. Especially those of us who are in NC from our MM. I want to know that he loved me. That I wasn't just a whim or fancy of his for a fleeting moment. It helps that you can say it is just as hard for you, that you still think of OW and that you would support other women in her position is reassurance that my MM may have more integrity to him than currently meets the eye. I dint think we necessarily want to hear that you have no intent on going back to her, since so many of us hold on to that smidgen of hope, but it helps all the same. I know that if I never hear from mine again it will be for the very same reasons, his children. There is no way to compete for that piece of him, and I would never want to. His love for his children and his do anything to protect them was probably one of his most desirable traits to me. I'm scared, like many of the OW here that we will never find our true happiness, but I think in reading your post, I am more scared for you never finding your happiness than her...because you are the one who chose to settle for less than satisfied. She is single and still afforded that opportunity. It was a very selfless sacrifice and I wish you all the joy you can find in the lot you choose.

 

I hope you don't mind my imput, and BTW welcome:). IMO in more cases than not the MM is very much in love with the OW...

[pureinheart]

Thanks hun. I did have a nice weekend.

 

I am glad to know that you did as well. Curious though as to if your weekend with the family was a weekend with the family (kids) or if you attempted to use the time to reconnect with your wife.

 

I really do hope you find a way to reconnect since you are determined to stay regardless. I wish you happiness above all else, so if you are going to stay I really wish you would put forth real effort into fixing what is broken.

 

And your thread didn't get shut down because you were gone per se, I think it had to do with all of the off topic posting that were full of conjecture about why you were gone.

 

I'm not understanding what the issue was with BHMM being absent...if he lives in the States, Labor Day is the last summer holiday, and most throw in vacation days with the long weekend...people do have lives outside of LS, or they should anyway.

 

Glad your back BHMM:), and just want to add that I think you are in the right forum...

[SidLyon]

I'm not understanding what the issue was with BHMM being absent...if he lives in the States, Labor Day is the last summer holiday, and most throw in vacation days with the long weekend...people do have lives outside of LS, or they should anyway.

 

Glad your back BHMM:), and just want to add that I think you are in the right forum...

 

I agree with you Pure. Not being in the USA I knew nothing of it being a holiday; but no matter, because people are allowed to take holidays in real life and even from LS.

 

Are we at risk of busybodies reporting our threads just because we don't post for a few days and because other posters get carried away with speculating about what happened to us? So what if the speculation is correct or way off? It was an easy matter for BHMM to come back a few days later to set the record straight.

[pureinheart]

And I'm going to say SO WHAT? That may be the reason why he's here, on this forum, instead of the Infidelity/Marriage one.

 

Everyone has a different threshold, level and ability to deal with things. Some people fall in and out of love quickly. Others don't - but when they do fall in love, they fall hard. My point is, everyone is different.

 

BHMM is hurting and telling his story here.

 

He's here on the OM/OW board answering questions that other OW might have, perhaps (most likely) as a way to get over his OW. And because he's here (and not on the Infidelity/Marriage board) I don't think he has to justify his actions (in terms of tell/don't tell).

 

He said in his very first post he was having a hard time dealing with NC. So it's taking him some time to get over SOMEONE HE TRULY LOVED. Is that so horrible?

 

Very true TOW (bold), and he spent a lot of the last thread doing just that...trying politely to give answers from A to Z...and some ventured into major imaginations. It would have been better for him to work out his sitch and talk about that in a more constuctive atmosphere.

 

Hi BHMM,

 

I'd like to share a bit of my story, possibly it will help you. Since you've been reading a bit, you mostlikely know some of our stories...in the event that you didn't read mine, here goes:

 

I met MM (now exDM) at work..long story short, we ended up in an EA. He never could walk away from me, although he felt the guilt all of the time I imagine. His kids were grown, and his M was over the day it started.

 

He and his exW D'ed...the D was VERY hard on him for many reasons...the dynamic they all operated in was unhealthy, so that is the reason I was glad he got out, or they split...I hear stories here and there and I'm priddy sure it was better for her also.

 

We did not survive his D, it took it's toll on both of us, and there are many gory details, but that is the jist.

 

Every sitch is different, as one post stated that there is much loneliness for the OW...this was not the case for me, I never sat and waited and was very independant. My life was full then and it is now and getting better everyday.

 

I think there is a major stereotype concerning OM/OW as there is with MM...not many on these boards fit that IMO...I really hope you and your family had a good weekend...now the winter holidays...man how time flies!

[jj33]

Absolutely. LS is not a job or a commitment of any kind. Its up to BH when he wants to post and besides he gets bashed for being on here and talking about his OW.... cant win

[pureinheart]

I agree with you Pure. Not being in the USA I knew nothing of it being a holiday; but no matter, because people are allowed to take holidays in real life and even from LS.

 

Are we at risk of busybodies reporting our threads just because we don't post for a few days and because other posters get carried away with speculating about what happened to us? So what if the speculation is correct or way off? It was an easy matter for BHMM to come back a few days later to set the record straight.

 

I can't remember this happeneing on LS before, and if I remember correctly on the other thread, a comment was made in the effect of how dare he go on holiday and leave the thread...maybe I interpreted it wrong, although the entire notion struck me in a very weird way.

[Ellin]

I can't remember this happeneing on LS before, and if I remember correctly on the other thread, a comment was made in the effect of how dare he go on holiday and leave the thread...maybe I interpreted it wrong, although the entire notion struck me in a very weird way.

 

Yes, there was a comment like that (or a few), which also concluded that the fact BHMM did not continually posted was a further proof of the weakness of his character. As if he has a responsibility towards LS members to keep posting every day.

 

And when I commented on the absurdity of that I was attacked for trying to justify his actions! Which is something I never did as I didn't see any reason for justifying being away from LS, whether temporarily or not...

 

Funnily enough there were so many posts earlier which questioned why he spent so much time posting here... You couldn't make it up.

[terrific]

Yes, there was a comment like that (or a few), which also concluded that the fact BHMM did not continually posted was a further proof of the weakness of his character. As if he has a responsibility towards LS members to keep posting every day.

 

And when I commented on the absurdity of that I was attacked for trying to justify his actions! Which is something I never did as I didn't see any reason for justifying being away from LS, whether temporarily or not...

 

Funnily enough there were so many posts earlier which questioned why he spent so much time posting here... You couldn't make it up.

Funny, I had the same thoughts. Well, you can't win for losing

[dolphinscry]

Hi dolphinscry,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Feel free to ask me anything you want. I can't promise it'll help but I'll answer honestly and hopefully some good will come of it.

 

Take care.

 

Thanks!! I haven't read through all the posts, so I hope I'm not repeating anything.

The A I had with my xmm sounds like your's. The connection,all those things. He said he felt like we were destined to be together, I was the woman of his dreams, he couldn't imagine his life without me. He was married with a daughter and baby on the way. His wife had cheated on him several times and he said he was living with so much heartbreak. He pushed to take the A from physical to emotional. He is the one who first brought up leaving our marriages. I never once pressured him to leave and told him even if he didn't I wanted to continue to be in his life.

June 23 he sent me a text saying he was ready to leave his wife and asked if I was willing, I told him I was. We saw each other later that night, everything was great. He sent me a text that night telling me how much he loved me. And that was it. He has ignored all my attempts to get in touch with him. I saw him a couple of weeks ago at the store with his daughter and he just waved and smiled. Like I was a casual acquaintance. So my questions are:

 

1. Feeling the way you say you do about the OW could you have just cut off contact with no explanation?

2. If you live in the same area and happened to see your OW how would you act?

3. If you saw her would it make you want to get in touch with her?

4. How can you be okay with not knowing if she is alright?

5. How do you stay strong enough to maintain NC?

6. During the A he said his days and nights were consumed by thoughts of me. Now that your A is over how often do you think of her?

 

I hope I haven't asked too many questions.

Also, if you want to know how your OW feels. If she is anything like me, she if feeling shattered, in shock, wonders if she ever meant anything to you. Probably spending many nights crying. Also like you I am having a harder time now than I did in the beginning. I wonder why that is.

Look forward to hearing from you.

[Thunderbolt]

I believe it got shut down because we weren't even close to being on topic. People were more or less telling him what he should do. This isn't what the initial topic was about. At the beginning, he said he'd be available to answer any questions OW may have. It completely spiraled out of control and the topic of the thread turned into people being pissed off that he wouldn't tell his wife about the A. It got to be too much for me, I can't imagine how BHMM stuck around so long. Hopefully we can keep this to a more or less Q & A session with comments here and there. I believe his mind is made up. He's not going back to the xOW and he's decided to make his M work. How can people question this or try to change his mind?

 

Ok...sorry about the rant.

 

BHMM, I have a couple more questions.

 

Two breaks up ago from xMM, I got so sick and tired of the indecisiveness. I told him that it was best for us to be apart while he worked on his marriage. I truly encouraged it because I knew this was the only way he'd ever have a clear conscience. He didn't want to but understood my point. 7 weeks had gone by and he started contacting me again. I stupidly thought this meant he had come to some conclusion. We met and had small talk until I finally asked how things were with him and his W (his W knew about the A). He said that they hadn't had time to address it yet. He moved back home at the beginning of the year after being separated for 3 months. How can 5 months go by without them addressing such a life changing issue? Neither of them attended IC and there was no mention of MC. Why didn't he take our time apart to work on the M? How can she just sweep the whole matter under the rug?

[Thunderbolt]

Dolphin, you make a good point. I've been NC for 10 weeks and the last couple seem to be harder than at the beginning. BHMM mentioned this too. Why is this? I thought time was supposed to heal.