Tommy_A Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I have been married for 6 yrs now. I have a fairly normal sex drive for a 31 yr old man. My wife (36) has little to no sex drive and its gotten progressively worse this past year or so. Last May I asked her about it and why she has never initiated sex during the whole of our relationship. She told me that she had never had a sex drive ever since we started dating or while we've been married and (I'm quoting her) - she always just did it because she knew I wanted it. Ever since hearing that I've felt that maybe I was "forcing her" to have sex everythine we've been together and well, that doesn't feel too wonderful - and it certainly doesn't make me feel very desireable or loved. In July I came home a little late and found her taking a bath with her best friend - she laughed it off saying that they were best friends since they were 5 and it was a completely natural thing for women friends to do. I'm not so sure about that. I grew up with all brothers and am not quite sure what women do when they get together - but this just doesn't sit well with me. Then in August she tells me that she wants to try for another baby (we have a 3 yr old son) - and she doesn't want him to be an only child like she was. We haven't had any luck thus far - but the only time she wants to have sex is when she is ovulating and even then its not a very fulfilling experience for either of us (I won't go into the details). Am I wrong to think I'm not getting the full story from her? I feel like its just about having another baby and ignoring what is wrong with us. I really try in our marriage - I do all the cooking and washing up afterwards and help out as much as I can so that everything is not all on her and that this is a partnership. I just feel that everything is out of balance here. P.S. Background: her mom left her abusive dad after many years and moved in with a woman who has been her "partner" for the past 5 yrs. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Her behavior is not normal, and no man should have to resign to sex only during ovulation. It's possible issues from her childhood, medication, emotional problems with intimacy, chemistry, psychology, no one can say for certain why she doesn't enjoy sex. Would she see a professional about it? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 found her taking a bath with her best friend - she laughed it off saying that they were best friends since they were 5 and it was a completely natural thing for women friends to do I have no idea where she grow up or what kind of friends she has, but I can assure you that grown women do not have baths with their female friends. She definitely should see her physician to sort out the cause of her low sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 My guess would be that the bath has nothing to do with the sex drive, that's just my guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I came home a little late and found her taking a bath with her best friend - she laughed it off saying that they were best friends since they were 5 and it was a completely natural thing for women friends to do. Uh-uh, no it's not. Grown women in a non-sexual relationship don't take baths together. Your wife's statement was completely untrue and a big red flag. Your marriage is in trouble, do you expected to live without a satisfying sex life for the rest of your life? Will the incurring sense of bitterness and resentment be a healthy atmosphere for future children. Wake up! If you're wife is ambiguous about her sexuality you're going to have to live with it or not but sticking your head in the sand and allowing her to use you as a sperm donor to save on going to a bank, will not help. You are sitting on a marital time bomb, I repeat wake up or it'll all blow up in your face. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner-Davis. I've never heard of two adults bathing together for any reasons other than sexual. Doesn't mean her story isn't true; but this behavior is not the norm. I would also recommend counselling if you want to save your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Weighing in on the bath thing - the only girl I ever had a bath with was my sister and that was before our ages hit double digits. None of my girlfriends have ever suggested doing this either. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I've never shared my tub. At least not with anyone except my partner! (and my sister when I was five years old.) I'm sure there are some cultures where this is perfectly acceptable, but I would be real uncomfortable if I walked in on my boyfriend and found him sharing a bubble bath with one of his hairy-knuckled biker buddies. Eeeew! Just another heterosexual adult female here, adding her voice. This is NOT typical behavior between my gal pals and I! Link to post Share on other sites
Tommy_A Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 What gets me about the situation with the girlfriend is that when I asked her if she had "feelings" for her girlfriend, she got very defensive. She said that she absolutely would never have homosexual feelings and went into a diatribe about the woman who "chased after her mother until she submitted to a homosexual relationship with her." You see her father left her mother for another woman and a few years after the split her mother started a homosexual relationship which has lasted for quite a few years - including them living together for the past 5 yrs. I'm just wondering if she's just angry with her mother because she's angry with the very same part she recognizes in herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted February 25, 2004 Share Posted February 25, 2004 Wow, that's a doozy Well, just from this woman's perspective... I have never taken a bath with any of my woman friends and I never plan to. I think that's just real odd. I am curious as to why you would try to bring another child into your marriage when it appears to be on shaky ground? Surely the stresses of pregnancy and infancy would not be helpful at this time. Is she agreeable to marriage counseling? Perhaps putting off the baby until she agrees to at least a year of counseling would be helpful Just my $0.02 Link to post Share on other sites
eagle_nate Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 I'm just wondering if she's just angry with her mother because she's angry with the very same part she recognizes in herself. You seem to have a handle on something. It sounds to me that she is actually at logger heads with her emotions. Her mother's behaviour according to her is despicable, while at the same time, she doesn't fault her for it. Why?? She sees her actions as justifiable because her father left her. So, mom is not to blame...she is the victim. But someone has to take the blame, which is her mom's partner. On the subconscious level, she might have come to appreciate this relationship which her mom is in...why? Because mom is now happy. Therefore, it is possible that what she is doing is just the reality of these two things playing up in her mind. It is a "hate and love" scenerio. She is most likely trying to play out these two opposing views in her believe system. On the other hand, behavioural scientists have theorized that when a child grows up and does not bond with the parent of the same sex, that the child becomes arrested at a certain stage, and because s/he is not secure in the same sex parent relationship, that s/he will have difficulties bonding with the opposite sex, hence higher chances of ending up in an homosexual relationship. If this is true of her, it might explain the difficulties in your sexual relationship. So you might wonder, why did she then get into a relationship with you? Well, she is doing the "right" thing, which society expects of her as a woman...get married, have kids, and raise them up. No wonder she just wants a baby with you. Again, you might wanna ask her about her upbringing, sounds to me like she was raised up in a classic quasi-religious environment, and that might explain her hightened sense of emotional conflict. I know this may sound simplistic, however seeing a psychologist might be the best idea to be able to deal with these imbeded intra-psychic stuff and undo them bit by bit. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts