saintfrancis Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Ohhhh, it's not what you think, I didn't get back into the sack with ex-MM.... so don't kick me too hard! BUT... I do confess that I agreed to get together with him last night.. actually we agreed to get together earlier in the evening to talk. Anyway, the point is, we made plans to get together! That was mistake no 1. He was at the gym and I was at a meeting yesterday late afternoon, and we agreed that I would call him after my meeting and then figure out where to meet and what time - so we didn't have the details worked out, but we DEFINITELY made plans to see each other, that much was certain. (I'm sure a lot of people see where I'm going with this...) After my meeting I call and leave a message on his cell. No response, so about an hour later call again. Go to the bank and do some other errands, and when I get home, send him a text msg that I'm home, and to call me there. Nothing. Took a nap, sent a "hello? you there??" text message after the nap. Still nothing. I decide at this point I've made enough effort, and I'm going to give him a chance to get back to me. After all the messages he got from me, he knows I'm waiting. AND... it is not like him to stand me up. He has cancelled plans (but always called if he had to do so), rearranged plans, been late for plans, but mostly been more or less on time for plans. Only on a couple of other occasions in the 2+ years I was with him, did he ever just stand me up, and one was because his son went into the hospital (so he says -- at this point I believe NOTHING he tells me -- can you tell I'm angry??). So I go to the grocery store and the mall and do a little shopping, bring my cell phone with me, and have caller ID at home so I can tell if he called while I was gone. Nuttin'. Get back home and do some work, and frankly think to myself, well, something must have happened, maybe some blowout with his wife, or maybe he really is being a jerk, but whatever it is, I'm sure he'll call eventually. And I didn't think too much about it for the rest of the evening. But then midnight rolls around, and still nothing. At 12:30 I start thinking, "Sh*t, what if he's lying in a ditch somewhere? Or in the ER??" I really did have this happen to me once a long time ago - with a girlfriend. She and I had made plans to get together, and she never showed, and never called. Many waiting hours later and fruitless calls to a few mutual friends, I decide it can't hurt to call the local hospitals because you never know. Well what do you think but she had been admitted to the ER that evening for emergency surgery!! No joke!! I know it was her because I went to visit her that night! So I'm thinking maybe something like this happened to him, and I really started to worry. It's not like I can call his house and ask if he's ok.... So as I would do with any friend, I call the local hospitals. Nothing. Well, now I start getting pissed. I wondering why he has not contacted me, because as I said this is not typical of him. You can call him a lot of things, given he was having an affair and all, but this is one thing he didn't make a habit of. I couldn't sleep tonight (as you can see from the timestamp on this post), so eventually I get up and check my email for lack of anything else to do in the middle of the night. In it is a note from someone we used to work with together. I talk to her every once in a while, and she does not have any idea of my involvement with him. Well, what do you know but she ran into A$$H*LE at the movies tonight!!! Oh, was that where I was supposed to meet him?? I didn't know that! I'm glad she told me that because now I can apologize for not showing up!!! :mad: Alright people, I'm bending over. Part of me CANNOT believe he did this. And yet, part of me can indeed believe it -- after all, he was cheating on his wife with me so I know he is capable of deceit. And I know about a couple of other lies he has told me in the past few months that actually contributed to my decision to break up with him. But this is just SO rude! And SO unnecessary, and just plain MEAN. GRRR. I probably have no right to even be angry. After all, what do I expect from someone who is willing to cheat on his wife, and let's not forget those lies he told me recently. But I can't help being angry anyway! He has always honored plans we made, or if he couldn't, then he would at least call. ARGGHH! I have had a lot of LSers write that they admire the fact that I broke up with him, etc., and LOOK AT ME! I'm FUMING over this! Why?? To all you poeple who have written to me congratulating me that I broke up with him -- KICK MY A$$ AND TELL ME TO NEVER MAKE PLANS WITH HIM AGAIN FOR ANYTHING -- NOT EVEN TO TALK!!!! I feel like I am back in high school. I am just disgusted. Oh yeah, and after you're through kicking my butt, any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Thank your lucky stars that Karma (or Whatever) intervened to prove to you that he's a jerk not worth ruining your life over. You dodged a bullet; you almost restarted that which you'd chosen to end. Now cut that out and get on with your life. One reason you're mad is that you're mad at yourself for not following your avowed intention. Go be strong, stick to your guns, and then you can be proud of you for keeping your promise to yourself. After you thank Whatever for the events of the evening. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Look, it's a process. So you gave in. Moment of weakness. Whatever. Don't beat yourself up. Right now, your mission is to remain calm and centered, plan what you're doing today (in addition to a nap!) to get yourself in a better place, and plan your response when he contacts you next. Because he will, sooner or later, right? Likely he'll say that (a) he didn't realize you had definitive plans (b) he left his cellphone at home by mistake © something else to cover his no-show. Perhaps calmly tell him you don't believe him, he unfortunately has a history of deceit with you and others, and you're glad it didn't work out for you to connect since you realize he's not someone you care to have in your life at this time. I've been working for seven weeks towards ending my MM relationship and I'm still not there, but I know I'm making progress (which is something I can judge for myself - I know where I am). But, suffice it to say, I'm proud of you, and a bit envious, that you are so close to being free. Don't let a step back camoflage the fact that you have made many strides towards ending this. Seriously. And you got lucky last night. Really lucky. Have a great day and be proud of yourself for the progress you've made. And be strong! Link to post Share on other sites
fallenangel Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Originally posted by saintfrancis But this is just SO rude! And SO unnecessary, and just plain MEAN. I'm sure his Wife would say the very same thing, if she knew the man she walked down the aisle with had been carrying on with you (and who else) for the past couple of years. Don't you feel ashamed that you could be so obsessed over someone's husband? That you've taken your time to post an hour-by-hour account of how you've obsessively checked for contact from some poor wife's husband? judging by the expressiveness and drama in your post, it seems to me you really enjoy this. Go find yourself a single guy and leave married womans' husbands alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 saintfrancis don't kick yourself or ask others to do it for you, because many will jump at the chance, we humans being the "compassionate" planet-dwellers that we are. This mm is a mess...He doesn't know what time it is, or who he loves, or where he is supposed to be or with whom. He has no moral compass and is probably non-compas mentas..(sp)?.......a little tongue teaser in the a.m. For real, you are doing fine. You posted this event. You didn't go underground determined to handle the back-slide by yourself..you shared and will get all the support you need from this LSer and many others...Moimeme and jester, Arabess are great for this kind of support as you know. Kick the habit, not yourself..........you're doing fine.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 21, 2004 Author Share Posted February 21, 2004 Thank you everyone... I suppose you are right, in a way, I did dodge a bullet last night. I certainly had no intention of falling back into a relationship with him, but nonetheless it is probably better that I didn't end up seeing him. kkat, you were right too, he sent me an email apologizing this morning - saying he got caught up in stuff with his kids which created the "conflict." Maybe that's true, but of course he didn't mention the part about the movie. Whatever. I deleted his email and am not responding to it. Thank you all. I guess this is really a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of process. What I need is to find someone else that I can have that cose friendship with again... The loss of that is what keeps pulling at my heart strings. Forget the sex or anything else... I just horribly miss feeling like part of something, where I share my life and day-to-day activities with someone. But, I made my decision to break up and that's what I'm doing... talk or no talk with him. I think I am going to go back now and read something I posted on my other thread. My "thoughts at night." That one always seems to keep me somewhat in check. Ok Skittles I won't ask for any more kicks, hehe! Just cyber-companionship from you all out there. I need that right now. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 The loss of that is what keeps pulling at my heart strings. Forget the sex or anything else... I just horribly miss feeling like part of something, where I share my life and day-to-day activities with someone Oh dear. He's been your sole emotional support. Definitely not good. If you can't find your own single male-type person to have for that sort of companionship and support, find yourself a female-type person to be friends with. Someplace in your city I'll guarantee there's some sort of support group you could join. Or club. Or charity. Or you could turn into a LS addict. There's enough going on here to keep your mind busy for days on end Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I think even if he wasn't your sole emotional support you are going to miss him terribly. I still miss my ex occasionally and I have sisters, a mother, several friends at work and several friends outside of work that I can call. Probably at least 4 people that I can wake up in the middle of the night even. Still doesn't totally fill in for my ex. Moi is right about finding others to help fill the gap. Hang in there, it takes time to get over. You're doing ok so far, don't beat yourself up too much. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 If I kick anyone, it sure won't be you. It did strike me though...if you stand him up, he just shrugs and goes home to his wife and kids. If he stands you up, you spend your entire evening alone just hoping for a word from him. That right there kind of sums up the whole deal for me. It's NOT FAIR. Yes, call my reaction petty, but it's just not fair for him to have two lives and you to have barely half of one. You know, I usually recommend taking the high road. However, if it occurred to you that having an ugly, destructive fight where you vent all your anger on him in a way that makes only HIM the target (not any third parties), and that is so filled with venom and contempt that neither of you wants to see the other again, might be a good idea, I'm not the one who will advise against it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 fallenangel, my post did sound obsessive, didn't it? Ick. The irony in that is that, yesterday evening after my last attempt to make contact, I did think about the situation, but actually I was not bothered at all by it, I figured he'd contact me at some point and I went about doing some work. I didn't start getting worried and peeved until much much later... when I started wondering if he was ok. The other irony is that for 99% of this breakup, I have NOT been obsessively thinking about him. Sure, I do think about him and miss him, but obsessing? No. I have been making a more or less successful attempt to get on with other things in my life. I know my post here didn't give you that impression, but this one incident among months/years does not an obsession make. I would be, and (as I said in my original note) have been, that worried about OTHER friends that "disappeared" temporarily. One really did end up in the hospital, and I guess that is something that has just stuck with me ever since. My reaction is certainly not limited to him. It just stings much more when it's someone you have had a romance with. I can't argue with the part about "someone else's husband." But I am asking for encouragement in sticking to this breakup -- after all ending the affair was the right thing to do, yes? -- rather than chastising from you or anyone else. But, your point is well taken. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 SoleMate, moimeme, brashgal - I wrote a reply to your posts and then ran the spellchecker, and walah! My entire note disappeared. i'll try and remember what I just wrote! SoleMate - I think your idea could be beneficial in a way, but I just can't go that route. I have been known to have a sharp tongue at times in the past, and I always ended up regretting things that I said in the heat of anger - no matter whether I was right or not. I just can't get into a knockdown fight like that. I would feel horrible afterward, I know that. Interesting suggestion, though! lol! It's NOT fair, you're right. Somehow though, I can't imagine never having loved him. Oh I have my issues with him... but also had a connection on some fundamental level that is hard to put into words...which goes to what moimeme and brashgal noted. He was my primary (thought not my only, thank heavens)emotional support thee past couple of years. Losing that, wether or not it came from a married person, it just kills you. I have, however, made some new girl friends lately, and it helps to hang out with them. One in particular I feel I can talk about peronal stuff with the most. She doesn't know about him being married, but she does know that I have ended a relationship with someone I love dearly. Friends don't replace him, but they do ease the pain a little. I have also had a very difficult time financially lately, which has added to my state of mind. I have become very depressed, something I did not expect to happen. Depression is not the way I have lived much of my life, and I don't like being here at all. But sometimes it seems like the world is coming down on me.. mostly because of the stupid choices I've made. Thankfully, I have picked up some new work this week which could lead to some steady projects for quite a while. So, things are starting to look up... I just wish my emotions would follow suit. I am hurting pretty badly right now. He called today to ask me about last night, if I was angry with him. I was. I just sat there in silence over the phone for most of the conversation because I didn't want to incite a riot (the way I was feeling, I could have easily done so). We left the phone conversation very tense and not at all resolved. I feel badly about that, but I don't know what I would have said differently. I'm not going to pretend to be ok with what happened. I will most definitely be over it, probably by tomorrow morning, but I wasn't going to tell him I was ok when I wasn't yet. Well, at least now I can get on with... getting on. Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 I'm not going to pretend to be ok with what happened. .......Never.............(my 2 cents) Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 He called today to ask me about last night, if I was angry with him. What a user. He's just tugging on the leash to see how firmly it's still connected. A decent person would have APOLOGIZED, not asked if you were angry. In fact, every word out of his mouth should be forming an aplogy about the pain he's put you through. And then every action should be about easing your pain, in whatever way you tell him to. But he won't do that, because fundamentally, he does not care about you feeling good. He cares about you making HIM feel good. Give me his address... Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Go get 'em Solemate. Let me know if you need back up. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 You are going thru a 'weaning' process. It may take a few tries. With EACH try though, since you are looking at it from a different angle, you'll see more and more what a complete F*CKTARD he is! Then one day you'll wonder why you didn't see it ALL so plainly before. That's when you'll wish you could kick you OWN A$$! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 F*CKTARD ......Arabess!....... saintfrancis you have an army of supporters here ......we know you will beat this thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate A decent person would have APOLOGIZED, not asked if you were angry. In fact, every word out of his mouth should be forming an aplogy about the pain he's put you through. Oh dear! hehe! Actually, he DID apologize, a few times. He didn't, however, devote every action to making me feel better.. and actually did start to slip into the "but I had a hard conversation with my son" whining routine. But, at least he did apologize. Also, he recently lost his job, that's what the long conversation with his son was all about... He has had this career a very long time and losing that has been a terrible blow to him, I know that. So, I've just kept myself in check - like I said, did not pretend to be ok with it by any means, but also didn't make it into a huge argument either. I'm just not going to make any more of a deal out of this. It's over and it's just stupid is all! Even if he lost his job, he shouldn't have stood me up like that, but... there are more imporant problems in the world than this I suppose. I will say that I am far less likely to agree to have any furhter talks or anything else now. Keep on dodging the bullet. SoleMate, I hope I stay on your good side! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess That's when you'll wish you could kick you OWN A$$! LOL! You know, I am pretty darned flexible (used to be a gymnast). Maybe I COULD kick my own a$$!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Now here is a twist for you. I wrote back to the girl who emailed me about seeing him out... asked for a few details (tried not to be obvious). Well, she now says she didn't actually talk to him, just saw him from a distance, and she was"pretty sure" it was him but she wasn't exactly positive, it was too quick. I could have been having a hissyfit for nothing! Well, not really, he still should have called, regardless. But when I read that I just about pooped my pants. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 He's already GUILTY for leading you on with empty promises. Anything else he does or does not do wrong after that fact.....is really irrelevant. LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 23, 2004 Share Posted February 23, 2004 I could have been having a hissyfit for nothing! Well, not really, he still should have called, regardless. But when I read that I just about pooped my pants....quoted by stfrancis saint, he could have been on the moon the night he stood you up, the fact remains he stood you up, didn't call and has done alot of damaging and irresponsible things to other human beings besides yourself as well before this episode... He must be jettisoned into the outer-space of your life.........open hatch now.......press the eject button....... whooooooooooosh.............................. Link to post Share on other sites
Author saintfrancis Posted February 23, 2004 Author Share Posted February 23, 2004 Originally posted by Skittles saint, he could have been on the moon the night he stood you up, the fact remains he stood you up, didn't call and has done alot of damaging and irresponsible things to other human beings besides yourself as well before this episode... He must be jettisoned into the outer-space of your life.........open hatch now.......press the eject button....... whooooooooooosh.............................. Hehehe! I have to chuckle at the visual I got reading that. You are right, about him being on the moon. Absolutely. I tried to make that same point but I guess I didn't really emphasize it. Link to post Share on other sites
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