an unbelieveable situation

[september66]

Since this is long I will jump right to it:

 

my mother and father were married for 48 yrs in april 2010 and on june 23rd she passed away at age 62. she was my best friend. it hadn't always been that way. there was a long time there that we didn't get along and i was in foster homes, shelters, etc but we made our peace and became close the last 15 or so years of her life. anyway, the reason we weren't close was because of my father. he at one point when i was 13 yrs old tried to molest me but i screamed for my mother to help me. she came but turned a blind eye and threw me out of the house. i wasn't the first person he did this too in her life but each time she was told she sided with him against the person telling it. this has went on for years. i asked her about it once and she told me that with 4 kids, no education, not knowing how to drive and no where to turn she felt trapped and had no choice but to look the other way. she apologized to me for not believing me and we never spoke of it again.

3 weeks before she died my 2 other sisters were at my house and they were complaining about mom since neither of them were close to her any longer and said if something happened to her they would not help my dad in any way. NEITHER of them went thru the hell that i went thru in childhood with my parents and i forgave them and i could not believe they said this! it really upset me that they knew i was uncomfortable around dad even after all these yrs that they would leave it to me IF it happened that way. i was so pissed off that i told my mother what they said and it upset her more than i thought it would. i guess after 48 yrs of marriage and hell she did still love him (why?) and wanted what was best for him. while she cried i promised her i would step up and see to it that he was cared for. i never thought i would have to actually do it since she was in better health than he was.

 

now for the twisted part:

my mother died just a couple of weeks after the promise i made to her. it was a very unexpected death (asthma attack). it threw us all in shock. my 2 sisters who were estranged from my parents took it pretty well but was there for me during the arrangements and the funeral. they told my dad they would be there to help him too and for this i was glad to hear. he promptly told them to go the hell away that they werent there b4 mom died and he didn't need them now. he also told every other family member the same thing except for me and my 1st cousin who stayed with my parents off and on to help with housework and go fishing with my dad. did i forget to mention that my 1st cousin was FEMALE and age 41. she is also mildly retarded. there had been rumors for yrs about the 2 of them and even though he has been accused MANY times before, including by me i thought they were just rumors since my mother allowed her to stay there and allowed them to hang out. hell at one point my other siblings thought they were letting her stay there because she was secretly our half sister. stranger things have happened and we wouldnt put it past him screwing his brothers wife. well anyway, regardless of why she was there to begin with, the fact was, she was there and i just lost my mother so thinking clearly was not in me and once my aunts and siblings started complaining to me about her being there and how it didn't look right i got upset with them and told my father what they said. he took immediate offense and swore there was nothing going on, saying he was too old, he would NEVER do such a thing, he was too close to the grave, etc. besides, she didnt live there and she was there helping out when mom was alive so they were just causing trouble. i promptly took dads side and told everyone that they were disrespecting moms memory, upsetting dad and to stop the rumor mill. things got quiet for a couple of weeks, the COUSIN was hanging around more and more and didn't seem to make an effort to go home at all. a few days ago i stopped by after dropping my daughter at school and they had rearranged the furniture in the living room and all of my moms pics were gone. that upset me greatly so i left, when i got home one of my aunts (dad's sister) called and told me that a couple of days after mom died he came to her house and confessed to screwing the COUSIN just a few weeks before my mom died. i asked her why he would confess something like that to her and she said he was there drunk and confessed THAT while apologizing for molesting her when they were younger. I had barely hung up the phone when my other aunt called and told me alot of other stuff my father did to her and she said he also told her the same thing about my COUSIN. my aunt also informed me that COUSIN said she was going to get all my mothers jewelry, doll collection, silver collection and even the house before its over. that we would get nothing.

after telling me this i have noticed several items missing but was to busy to investigate it further and honestly thought that if he gave them to her there was nothing i could say or do anyway.

 

my reason for telling this to you, you ask?

 

for one, other than get physically ill, which i have, what would you do? i cannot openly try to run her off or i will be banned from the house and lose all my mothers things anyway. even though most isnt worth anything to anyone i would still want it for my daughter and her other grandchildren that loved her dearly. i find this situation very disgusting and twisted but i did PROMISE to look after my father so what do i do? personally he can rot in a pit of hell for all i care but i did promise my mother so i don't know...

is there something i can do legally? she is 40 and can consent to sex. she is recently divorced, doesn't have custody of her 5 yr old daughter thank god or she too would be in danger. they DO smoke pot there but i dont want the state taking the house that my mom loved, if they do that. she draws some type of check, ssi i think but i'm not sure for what.

 

could someone please answer and give me your opinion? my sister said to just walk away and forget about it but i know my mother would not want me to do that. i need to put a stop to this and somehow save her personal belongings but i'm at a loss as to how to do it. i can't say anything to my father because if i say i don't like COUSIN its over for me.

 

please help me to sort all of this out.

 

thanks so much in advance, september66

[BB07]

What a mess! I'm so sorry for everything you have went through.

 

Is there some way that you can get in the house and take a few things (momento's) that mean something to you? If so, why not get them and then get out and be done with it and them? Regarding the promise you made to your mother, well since your dad is not what she thought he was, I wouldn't hold myself to that. You need to take care of yourself most importantly and to involve yourself at this point in time would be detrimental to you.

 

If I were you, I'd get out of that toxic situation and never look back.

[Dooda]

Wow.

Who the hell is this person? He's an *******. A deranged, egocentric, self-indulged pervert who will only accept help from those who accept to be abused.

Why are you helping him?

I'm sure you meant good to your Mom by telling her that you would help your father if she died, which is why you told her that. It was the right thing to do, and a good thing to do. That said, your father is a deranged pervert. What you said to your Mother was to reassure her, to make her feel good. I believe, from what you said, that she had no choice BUT to 'love' her husband, for all the horrible things he has done, simply because she had no choice. She is brave, and I can understand how it feels to be trapped.

But, now, it's up to you to give that guy the biggest "**** off" sign you can, and make sure your interests come before his.

He sounds really nasty... Do your best to get as far away from him as possible. None of this is your fault.

Good luck.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am so, so sorry. I really feel your pain. I know how terrible family situations can infiltrate every part of us, and you have come so far and forgiven so much.

 

I agree with the poster above. You need to separate from this sickness. I would do it without drama, though I hope you can either talk to your father about taking some of your Mom's things or just get them somehow when you are in the house.

 

Your mom would not want you to hurt your own life to keep the promise. She would want you to have the best life you can, which does not include being enmeshed with this sickness.

 

Your daughter does not need you to be involved with that, either.

 

Sick and creepy or not, your dad is not all alone. Leave him behind if you can.

[2sure]

Your mother for whatever reasons did not have the emotional wherewithal to deal with your father. Like many women in her circumstance she became a victim of herself as well as her abuser and became so indoctrinated in it that she chose to protect her abuser. Even in death.

 

But you are not the same victim that she was. Or, it is important that you not be. For yourself and for the memory of your mother...stop the cycle. You made a promise to a woman that was emotionally unstable. A promise that would be wrong for you to keep.

 

Your father is poison. Poison. Expel him. You own him less than nothing.

 

As to your mothers things:

 

You are in mourning. The things you think may be important now soon will not be. However, you should have a keepsake or two of your mother to give to your daughter. On you last visit to your father's house you take those one or two things. If you have to take them without his knowledge fine. Demand them if you think you can. If you end up with nothing...you will still have gotten out by breaking this cycle. Thats more than enough.

 

Your sisters hell was not the same as yours. But it was still hell.

Your aunts and relatives may have something to offer you. Take the good and leave the bad.

 

If your father should call you later in life to ask for assistance you tell him:

This is why some people die alone.

[Angel1111]

Yea, I agree with the others - the promise you made to your mother isn't relevant. The man deserves to rot in a ditch, for all anyone should care. Your mother let herself be blinded all these years but that's not your problem. She should've never turned her back on you or your sisters, but if you continue to excuse or help this idiot, then you'll be doing the same thing - ignoring his horrible behavior and supporting him. There's nothing on this earth that would make me want to do that. I'm sure that now that your mother is in the spiritual world, she sees the truth of the whole thing anyway and wouldn't want you to honor that promise.

 

As far as your sisters are concerned, I'm guessing that something happened to them - you just don't know it. They're angry for a reason. They seem very angry as a matter of fact. I think something happened to them that you don't know about.

 

I agree, too, that you need to get into that house - either visit or go in if you have a key, or sneak in when no one is there - and wear something with pockets so that you can take whatever you can. Then disappear and never talk to that jerk again. He's lucky he's not in jail. If you have a mind to, you could take him to court for molesting you. Your aunts might join in.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Angel1111

[september66]

Since I last posted I have tried to distance myself from him and the COUSIN. I did talk to her mother (my aunt) who definitely confirmed they were "playing house" but she said there was absolutely nothing more she could do to get her out of there. (I think I forgot to mention in my last post that her older sister beat the crap out of her a couple of weeks ago when she found out what they were doing.)

 

Relatives have been calling me daily to tell me stuff he has done to them in the past and to complain about the two of them living together "that way". I swear I feel as if I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. It's like they are expecting me to put an end to it but I can't. I also feel ashamed that he's even my father. I knew he was a sick man but never in my life could I have fathomed just how SICK. My hands are tied as to how to stop him. I don't believe I can since she is 40. I did learn she draws a check for mental disability, no shocker there since she has the mind of a 16 yr old, hence the reason he "likes" her.

 

I have only managed to sneak out the picture albums and have so far been unable to get the few items my siblings are requesting. By my not going over there every day and/or calling him he is getting suspicious.

 

This whole thing is very twisted and disgusting and has my mind spinning but I don't understand why, when I went over there yesterday morning, he was sitting in his chair and I felt concern for him wash over me. He looked frail and physically ill and I had to stop myself from asking if he was ok.

As soon as I felt concern for him I also felt ashamed for feeling that way. Does that make sense? I feel as if I'm going crazy. Why can't I feel just pure hatred for him after everything I have learned? It would definitely make things easier.

[Ms. Red]

Since I last posted I have tried to distance myself from him and the COUSIN. I did talk to her mother (my aunt) who definitely confirmed they were "playing house" but she said there was absolutely nothing more she could do to get her out of there. (I think I forgot to mention in my last post that her older sister beat the crap out of her a couple of weeks ago when she found out what they were doing.)

 

Relatives have been calling me daily to tell me stuff he has done to them in the past and to complain about the two of them living together "that way". I swear I feel as if I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. It's like they are expecting me to put an end to it but I can't. I also feel ashamed that he's even my father. I knew he was a sick man but never in my life could I have fathomed just how SICK. My hands are tied as to how to stop him. I don't believe I can since she is 40. I did learn she draws a check for mental disability, no shocker there since she has the mind of a 16 yr old, hence the reason he "likes" her.

I have only managed to sneak out the picture albums and have so far been unable to get the few items my siblings are requesting. By my not going over there every day and/or calling him he is getting suspicious.

 

This whole thing is very twisted and disgusting and has my mind spinning but I don't understand why, when I went over there yesterday morning, he was sitting in his chair and I felt concern for him wash over me. He looked frail and physically ill and I had to stop myself from asking if he was ok.

As soon as I felt concern for him I also felt ashamed for feeling that way. Does that make sense? I feel as if I'm going crazy. Why can't I feel just pure hatred for him after everything I have learned? It would definitely make things easier.

 

If she has a mental disability where she has the mind of a 16 year old, she should have a legal guardian appointed to her. She falls under the jurisdiction of Adult Protection Services. Google "your state" adult protection services. You will find a lot of information there that can help you. You can contact them anonymously and they can take it from there.

 

Your hands are not tied. Please don't let her down. She needs someone to step in and help her even though she doesn't realize it.

 

I'm sorry for all the horrible things you have gone through. I wish you well.

[DaisyLeigh]

I am sorry about the loss of your mother. However, I don't feel much pity for someone who stays with a perverted ****tard who preyed on her own children. One of my SILS is still with a piece of **** like that. We cannot stand him. I don't mean to run your mom down, but I don't buy this idea that she was a victim. The victims are innocent children and a mentally challenged person who cannot/could not defend themselves.

 

That promise? I would forget it. I would walk away and I would definitely call authorities about the cousin. If she is mentally challenged then she needs protection.

 

Tell him to **** off.