She Cheated and I'm having trouble dealing

[jvs84]

Here is the story.

 

A few years ago my wife and I were going through a rough time in our marriage. Neither one of us had been paying much attention to the other. We sat down and discussed this, and she had told me that she was sexually interested in another man but that nothing had happened. I felt a little betrayed, but we decided to work on our marriage because we both still had love for each other. It took us about six months to recover, but we pulled through and for the last year and a half things have been very strong between the two of us. Then I confronted her about the guy she was sexually interested in two years ago.

 

Here is the problem.

 

She lied when she told me nothing had happened. It turns out that she and the guy she was sexually interested in had been sexually active (just shy of intercourse). She said that she was on her period every time which stopped them from actually having intercourse. This is a real problem for me because when I said my vows I took them very seriously, and no matter how difficult our marriage is/was I could never bring myself to do this to my spouse.

 

Here is the real kicker.

 

I would have thought that as soon as her and I had decided to fix our marriage and try to fall in love again that she would have called it off with this guy. Apparently, she had continued the affair after we had sat down and agreed to "work" on our marriage. This is by far the most painful part for me because I worked very hard during those months to try to regain what we had, and she was still off with this other guy. It ended when he stopped calling her, so she didn't even end the affair.

 

It took her two years to tell me anything about this, and the only reason she said anything was because I had confronted her about the other guy she told me she was interested in a couple of years back. That is when the truth, assuming she is not lying about it, finally came out.

 

The fact that we had agreed to work on our marriage and she was still seeing this other guy seems like a huge red flag about a flaw in her personality that I have never seen before.

 

Another problem I have with the affair though is that she said she doesn't know how it happened, and that things just happened. I would just assume that after the first time you would realize what you were doing. It turns out that she was basically this other guys booty call, whenever he wanted it he would call her and they would go meet in a parking lot to do their thing.

 

I have been discussing this with my parents and my wife's sister because they are the only ones that are aware of the affair. Everybody said I should give her another chance, but I am 25 so I have a lot of years ahead of me still and I don't want to have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life because I know it will haunt me.

 

The Question:

 

Should I even be considering taking her back after the fact that she continued this affair while we were supposed to be working on our marriage? Even some tips on how to cope with my feelings would be great.

[mark982]

jvs, how many more lies are you going to put up with? you trusted her to try and rebuild your relationship,and she was boinking another man. don't let her clain she was on her period. shes lying to try and save alittle bit of face. dump, and run. think how much you'll get shafted when you throw a couple kids into the mix.

[2sunny]

she's definitely lying when she says they never had sex. a guy makes a booty call to get sex. she jumped at the chance every time. went behind your back and betrayed you over and over. then she covered it up... diminished her actions and lied some more - how do you trust her?

 

i don't blame you for being angry... she didn't have any real consequences and she wasn't/still isn't willing to tell you the truth.

 

since you haven't had honesty - what do you really have in the marriage?

[jvs84]

Maybe I'm naive, and still kind of want it to work out. Her sister, who I trust dearly, says that she is being honest about everything that happened, that my wife is very remorseful and wants to stay together.

 

Trust is a serious issue for me at this point, and that is why I don't think I will ever be able to recover from this. I though our marriage was based on trust, but I'm beginning to doubt every year we have been married (5 1/2).

[2themoon&back]

Here is the story.

 

A few years ago my wife and I were going through a rough time in our marriage. Neither one of us had been paying much attention to the other. We sat down and discussed this, and she had told me that she was sexually interested in another man but that nothing had happened. I felt a little betrayed, but we decided to work on our marriage because we both still had love for each other. It took us about six months to recover, but we pulled through and for the last year and a half things have been very strong between the two of us. Then I confronted her about the guy she was sexually interested in two years ago.

 

Here is the problem.

 

She lied when she told me nothing had happened. It turns out that she and the guy she was sexually interested in had been sexually active (just shy of intercourse). She said that she was on her period every time which stopped them from actually having intercourse. This is a real problem for me because when I said my vows I took them very seriously, and no matter how difficult our marriage is/was I could never bring myself to do this to my spouse.

 

Here is the real kicker.

 

I would have thought that as soon as her and I had decided to fix our marriage and try to fall in love again that she would have called it off with this guy. Apparently, she had continued the affair after we had sat down and agreed to "work" on our marriage. This is by far the most painful part for me because I worked very hard during those months to try to regain what we had, and she was still off with this other guy. It ended when he stopped calling her, so she didn't even end the affair.

 

It took her two years to tell me anything about this, and the only reason she said anything was because I had confronted her about the other guy she told me she was interested in a couple of years back. That is when the truth, assuming she is not lying about it, finally came out.

 

The fact that we had agreed to work on our marriage and she was still seeing this other guy seems like a huge red flag about a flaw in her personality that I have never seen before.

 

Another problem I have with the affair though is that she said she doesn't know how it happened, and that things just happened. I would just assume that after the first time you would realize what you were doing. It turns out that she was basically this other guys booty call, whenever he wanted it he would call her and they would go meet in a parking lot to do their thing.

 

I have been discussing this with my parents and my wife's sister because they are the only ones that are aware of the affair. Everybody said I should give her another chance, but I am 25 so I have a lot of years ahead of me still and I don't want to have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life because I know it will haunt me.

 

The Question:

 

Should I even be considering taking her back after the fact that she continued this affair while we were supposed to be working on our marriage? Even some tips on how to cope with my feelings would be great.

 

 

i am usually in a different forum, but i saw your post and i had to read it ... it is so true IMO that a lie hurts twice, first when you know you have been lied to and second when you find out the truth...

 

i am the OW, and i have been BS, so i can feel for both sides here.

 

well i do not have all the answers but i will make a few suggestions:

 

you trusted her before knowing about the OM

you trusted her when she said was attracted to OM

you worked very hard on you M, while being deceived

and now with the "whole" truth is out in the open that wound you thought was healed is cut wide open again... and deeper because of the new information.... it sounds like to me you have been taken advantage of more than once.

 

i know you love your W, but do you love her enough to get over the resentment you are feeling now, i think you know what you want to do and i know it is a scary thought.

 

I would suggest you separate; it might be the kindest thing to do right now.

1. it will give you a safe place to figure out if you can or even want to stay in the M.

2. it may give your W a chance to figure out why when she lied 2 yrs ago couldn't she maintain the lie forever----i think she should have been truthful the first time you asked.... you deserved it no matter how much it might have hurt you, you would be so much better off now.

 

I would guess you do not feel safe in this R, right now and you have a right to feel that way, i am sure you are questioning everything that has happened the last two years ... i am sorry you are going through this, it is a painful place to be, follow your gut, it has no agenda, your head and your heart do. good luck

 

and keep posting you will get a lot of good advice

[jvs84]

you trusted her before knowing about the OM

you trusted her when she said was attracted to OM

you worked very hard on you M, while being deceived

and now with the "whole" truth is out in the open that wound you thought was healed is cut wide open again... and deeper because of the new information.... it sounds like to me you have been taken advantage of more than once.

 

i know you love your W, but do you love her enough to get over the resentment you are feeling now, i think you know what you want to do and i know it is a scary thought.

 

It is very scary for me to think about because I took my marriage vows so seriously. I often start to wonder if certain clauses in the vows are more important than others. Does the fact that she cheated nullify our vows and therefore divorce is the only option? Or does the clause that states through good times and in bad mean that I'm somehow supposed to forgive and forget?

 

I would guess you do not feel safe in this R, right now and you have a right to feel that way, i am sure you are questioning everything that has happened the last two years ... i am sorry you are going through this, it is a painful place to be, follow your gut, it has no agenda, your head and your heart do. good luck

 

You're right, I don't feel safe in the R right now. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a complete lie. While I am still young, I was really looking forward to starting a family with her within a couple of years. (I'm at least glad I found out before children.) But now the I feel the possibility of having a good marriage with children within the next five years is going to be nearly impossible. But it isn't worth staying with her merely to have a family, that will only cause more problems down the road. I just feel that I've wasted my years with her.

 

I thank you for your post and your insight.

[karnak]

It is very scary for me to think about because I took my marriage vows so seriously. I often start to wonder if certain clauses in the vows are more important than others. Does the fact that she cheated nullify our vows and therefore divorce is the only option? Or does the clause that states through good times and in bad mean that I'm somehow supposed to forgive and forget?

 

 

It seems you're a man of faith and moral principles.

 

The marriage vows, despite their sacred status, are just like any other vow, contract or treaty. It only stands while both parties involved respect the clauses. As soon as one of the parties breaks the vow, it is nullified. Feelings are the thing that really matters... not some words pronounced at a cerimony.

[Darth Vader]

It is very scary for me to think about because I took my marriage vows so seriously. I often start to wonder if certain clauses in the vows are more important than others. Does the fact that she cheated nullify our vows and therefore divorce is the only option? Or does the clause that states through good times and in bad mean that I'm somehow supposed to forgive and forget?

 

 

 

You're right, I don't feel safe in the R right now. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a complete lie. While I am still young, I was really looking forward to starting a family with her within a couple of years. (I'm at least glad I found out before children.) But now the I feel the possibility of having a good marriage with children within the next five years is going to be nearly impossible. But it isn't worth staying with her merely to have a family, that will only cause more problems down the road. I just feel that I've wasted my years with her.

 

I thank you for your post and your insight.

 

Of course the last 2 years of your life have been nothing more than a Lie, but your wife doesn't give a crap about you or your feelings! She's trickle truthing you now, and probably always will! Years later you will find out they had oral, then, "well we only had sex once, but it wasn't good at all"!

 

Listen up man, you know she straddled this OM and Rode him like a bucking bronco orgasming the whole time, and kept on going back for more! Who does that unless the sex is that good?! Period or no period! Some guys like it like that, Dirty! I'm serious here MAN! It's gruesome, but hey, really, what do you feel really happened? Forget about what her sister told you, your wife could Lie to anyone including her own family if she's been lying to you this whole time!

 

Again I ask you, what do you think really happened (not what your wife told you), What does your GUT tell you?!:confused:

[Lovebone]

Listen up man, you know she straddled this OM and Rode him like a bucking bronco orgasming the whole time, and kept on going back for more!

 

 

lol...epic.

 

sorry, OP.

 

It had to be said.

[PegNosePete]

I have been discussing this with my parents and my wife's sister because they are the only ones that are aware of the affair. Everybody said I should give her another chance, but I am 25 so I have a lot of years ahead of me still and I don't want to have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life because I know it will haunt me.

Tell more people. Expose the affair. Do you think your friends would give the same advice?

 

Do you think she would accept it, if the roles were reversed? If you'd been making booty calls to some slut and been sexing her in a car park on multiple occasions?

 

Do you think "it just happened" is in any way acceptable? An earthquake just happens. A volcano just happens. A thunderstorm right as you light a BBQ just happens. Riding someone else's cock doesn't just happen! It happens because she wanted it and allowed it to happen. It's not an accident or a mistake, it's a choice she made.

 

It sounds like you've answered your own question, with your last sentence.

[phineas]

Maybe I'm naive, and still kind of want it to work out. Her sister, who I trust dearly, says that she is being honest about everything that happened, that my wife is very remorseful and wants to stay together.

 

Trust is a serious issue for me at this point, and that is why I don't think I will ever be able to recover from this. I though our marriage was based on trust, but I'm beginning to doubt every year we have been married (5 1/2).

 

Yeah, & my cheating wife's father swore OM was just a friend because his little girl wouldn't lie to him.

 

A week later I found dirty videos she made of herself for him on the computer & talked to OM's family a few months later after she moved out to discover she was his GF.

 

i'm 38 with 2 kids & guess what? I no longer live with the trust issue gnawing at my brain. I no longer lie awake at night with the thoughts of how everything she tells me don't add up.

 

Dudes don't repeatedly make booty calls to chicks who meet them but don't have sex. That guy must have the worst timing in the world if she showed up on the rag every time (how many times was that by the way?)

 

Lets say she was on the rag. Why would he keep calling her then? She must of done something to get him off or he would of lost her number after the first time.

 

Take it from someone who has been there, unless they are willing to confess everything, explain why they did it & take the blame for their actions your better off finding someone else who will treat you right.

 

Your wife is not treating you right.

[jvs84]

Dudes don't repeatedly make booty calls to chicks who meet them but don't have sex. That guy must have the worst timing in the world if she showed up on the rag every time (how many times was that by the way?)

 

Lets say she was on the rag. Why would he keep calling her then? She must of done something to get him off or he would of lost her number after the first time.

 

When I originally asked her how many times she was with this other guy she said 3 or 4. When I asked for a more concrete number she said 5. Which probably means it happened 6 or 7 times. She told me that two of the times happened when we were supposedly working on our saving our marriage.

 

I don't know why he would have kept calling. She told me that he never finished, which your write doesn't make sense with the fact that she claimed it happened five times.

 

She could be telling some sort of truth though because the relationship stopped after he stopped calling her. So one of two things happened, he was getting what he needed from her or he had already gotten what he wanted with her.

[jvs84]

Of course the last 2 years of your life have been nothing more than a Lie, but your wife doesn't give a crap about you or your feelings! She's trickle truthing you now, and probably always will! Years later you will find out they had oral, then, "well we only had sex once, but it wasn't good at all"!

 

I understand the trickle truthing and I like the term. When we first sat down to discuss things she said that clothes stayed on the entire time, and that he was just reaching under them. Then a few days later I asked her if he saw her down there area, and she said yes. So then I was confused because I don't see how pants could stay on, yet still be able to get a good view of down there. She then admitted that her pants came off (only once), but I'm having trouble believing it only happened once.

[2themoon&back]

It is very scary for me to think about because I took my marriage vows so seriously. I often start to wonder if certain clauses in the vows are more important than others. Does the fact that she cheated nullify our vows and therefore divorce is the only option? Or does the clause that states through good times and in bad mean that I'm somehow supposed to forgive and forget?

 

jvs... i want you to read your own post, the answer is there.

 

YOU, took your marriage vows so seriously...this does not guarantee that your W did, due to the fact she still does not by giving you half truths until she feels the need to give more information--that is called manipulation of you with your own feelings for her.

 

you don't have to divorce right out the gate, but separate for 6 months (or whatever time you think you need) and if she does not respect this request you will have your answer sooner, but if she does then you can see how you feel...and maybe look into some IC for yourself.

 

You're right, I don't feel safe in the R right now. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a complete lie. While I am still young, I was really looking forward to starting a family with her within a couple of years. (I'm at least glad I found out before children.) But now the I feel the possibility of having a good marriage with children within the next five years is going to be nearly impossible. But it isn't worth staying with her merely to have a family, that will only cause more problems down the road. I just feel that I've wasted my years with her.

 

I thank you for your post and your insight.

 

if that is really how you feel that you have wasted anytime, STOP!! Because you never know when times up.

 

i would rather take the timeout now then wait 5 years have kids and find out the whole marriage was a lie.

 

i hate you are hurting the only thing that age is on your side is young people heal faster!

 

by the way you are very welcome, anytime, i hope you find your way... keep posting and take care of yourself...

[cyabye]

Save some of your dignity. Don't bother to swallow your pride. Keep it. You need your Cojones right now. If you don't have them, grow em' quick. This woman will continue to put a hurtin on you. Divorce her out right. You have no kids. You are young. Cut your losses. Nuff said. You'll thank us later. I promise. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and I'm better for cutting her lose.

 

cya

[You Go Girl]

What I see is a woman who was trying to minimalize the consequences by minimalizing the truth.

What she did accomplish was dragging this entire thing out another two years, and causing a greater inability on your part to trust her again.

So after the revelation that there was more truth to out, you were back to square one, and probably, worse off than the day you initially discovered the infidelity.

Here is the determining factor: If your W doesn't understand that transparency is the only way to rebuild any trust or recover the relationship, then she is a lost cause.

Can it ever be overcome, this problem? Of course it can, anything can. But nothing will, if nothing changes.

I suggest if you are willing to try at all, that you discuss every gory little detail that she can remember. This, not to hurt you, but to prove that she will be transparent when her marriage depends upon it.

Then, there is remorse vs. guilt. They are not the same animal. First she must acknowledge the guilt of being caught. Then she can address remorse. True remorse comes from a couple different sources though, the first being the values she has/hasn't instilled in her already. The second source is the understanding between the two of you that makes her feel remorse out of caring for you.

Don't focus on making her feel guilty because of your pride. This will accomplish nothing.

Focus on understanding, so that she can feel truly remorseful, and the relationship can move forward.

[jvs84]

Save some of your dignity. Don't bother to swallow your pride. Keep it. You need your Cojones right now. If you don't have them, grow em' quick. This woman will continue to put a hurtin on you. Divorce her out right. You have no kids. You are young. Cut your losses. Nuff said. You'll thank us later. I promise. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and I'm better for cutting her lose.

 

cya

 

Thanks for your response. Divorce is hanging very strongly on my mind, and she is fully aware of it. I appreciate input from individuals that have been in similar situations. When I talked to my father about this he told me the story about how my mother did this to him, and he ended up taking her back. I see this as a week move because I feel I deserve better.

[jvs84]

What I see is a woman who was trying to minimalize the consequences by minimalizing the truth.

What she did accomplish was dragging this entire thing out another two years, and causing a greater inability on your part to trust her again.

So after the revelation that there was more truth to out, you were back to square one, and probably, worse off than the day you initially discovered the infidelity.

Here is the determining factor: If your W doesn't understand that transparency is the only way to rebuild any trust or recover the relationship, then she is a lost cause.

Can it ever be overcome, this problem? Of course it can, anything can. But nothing will, if nothing changes.

I suggest if you are willing to try at all, that you discuss every gory little detail that she can remember. This, not to hurt you, but to prove that she will be transparent when her marriage depends upon it.

Then, there is remorse vs. guilt. They are not the same animal. First she must acknowledge the guilt of being caught. Then she can address remorse. True remorse comes from a couple different sources though, the first being the values she has/hasn't instilled in her already. The second source is the understanding between the two of you that makes her feel remorse out of caring for you.

Don't focus on making her feel guilty because of your pride. This will accomplish nothing.

Focus on understanding, so that she can feel truly remorseful, and the relationship can move forward.

 

Thank you for responding to my thread You Go Girl. I actually discovered the infidelity last week when I confronted her about our situation two years ago. I had no idea that there was physical contact between the two of them at the time we were fixing our marriage. I was only aware of an emotional attachment to the OM.

 

I need her to at least show guilt. I have been unable to eat or sleep because of the emotional roller coaster I've been on. All while she is able to sleep at night and eat just fine. She says she sleeps because she cries, and I have seen her cry so maybe it is true. I just don't see how if she truly felt guilty that it would take two years and me confronting her about it to confess.

 

Maybe my pride is getting in the way a little bit, but at the same time I am taking steps to protect her. I don't want her family to know because as it is, they all think that I'm the greatest thing to happen to their family since sliced bread. She has already told me that if some members of her family found out that they would disown her. So I'm not telling them out of respect for her feelings. (That and not to sound callus, but I believe that the fear of her family finding out will ensure that she will not pursue spousal maintenance since there is such a large income gap between the two of us.) I know that move is essentially a financial decision disguised as respect, but it is what is going through my mind.

 

So I'm showing her the respect of not telling her family, mean while where was the respect for me or are marriage? Sorry I'm just venting now.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[YellowShark]

I would have thought that as soon as her and I had decided to fix our marriage and try to fall in love again that she would have called it off with this guy. Apparently, she had continued the affair after we had sat down and agreed to "work" on our marriage. This is by far the most painful part for me because I worked very hard during those months to try to regain what we had, and she was still off with this other guy. It ended when he stopped calling her, so she didn't even end the affair.

 

This is the part where you have to say enough is enough. If you decided to repair the marriage TOGETHER and set some REAL goals and boundaries, and she STILL carried on with the affair while you were in damage control she is really a lost cause.

 

Sadly that is the truth. I know, I've been there.

 

Best of luck.

[phineas]

This is the part where you have to say enough is enough. If you decided to repair the marriage TOGETHER and set some REAL goals and boundaries, and she STILL carried on with the affair while you were in damage control she is really a lost cause.

 

Sadly that is the truth. I know, I've been there.

 

Best of luck.

 

Mine did the same thing.

If OM didn't want her she would of moved back in & everything would of been hunky-dorie. until the next time she got the hots for someone.

 

It sounds like the only reason she even stayed with you is because the OM got what he wanted & moved on.

 

Your looking at the rest of your life here.

Do you really want to be tied down to someone like that?

[Darth Vader]

I understand the trickle truthing and I like the term. When we first sat down to discuss things she said that clothes stayed on the entire time, and that he was just reaching under them. Then a few days later I asked her if he saw her down there area, and she said yes. So then I was confused because I don't see how pants could stay on, yet still be able to get a good view of down there. She then admitted that her pants came off (only once), but I'm having trouble believing it only happened once.

 

 

That tells you right there! She RODE this guy hard! The pants or whatever came off! In front of someone else who's not her husband! Then how in the HELL does she explain that the OM saw down there? SHE CAN'T, and is full of BULL$HIT! Not to mention whatever the OM gave her!

[Darth Vader]

Thanks for your response. Divorce is hanging very strongly on my mind, and she is fully aware of it. I appreciate input from individuals that have been in similar situations. When I talked to my father about this he told me the story about how my mother did this to him, and he ended up taking her back. I see this as a week move because I feel I deserve better.

 

 

So your mom screwed around on you and your dad? Talk about a SUCKY time! It must bring up a whole lot of hurt and betrayel for your father! Your mom must not like having to relive what HELL she put your father through by seeing her son going through the exact same thing!

[jvs84]

So your mom screwed around on you and your dad? Talk about a SUCKY time! It must bring up a whole lot of hurt and betrayel for your father! Your mom must not like having to relive what HELL she put your father through by seeing her son going through the exact same thing!

 

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was out of the house, and was pissed at my dad for getting back together with her. I still don't trust my mother.

 

My mother actually understands my wife's choice to have an affair, and said that she can't be mad at her for doing it since she did to my father.

 

The thing I don't understand is how much bad luck guys in my family have. There are four males in my family, and three of them have cheating wives and the fourth one has an abusive wife. Of course, I feel like I'm the only one that is going to do what needs to be done and get rid of the cheating wife.

[Darth Vader]

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I was out of the house, and was pissed at my dad for getting back together with her. I still don't trust my mother.

 

My mother actually understands my wife's choice to have an affair, and said that she can't be mad at her for doing it since she did to my father.

 

The thing I don't understand is how much bad luck guys in my family have. There are four males in my family, and three of them have cheating wives and the fourth one has an abusive wife. Of course, I feel like I'm the only one that is going to do what needs to be done and get rid of the cheating wife.

 

 

Bird of a feather flock together! Talk about no support from your own mother! SHE SUCKS big time!

 

Have you guys thought about going to IC to find out why in the Hell you guys keep taking stuff like this, I know it must have started when your mom did it to your father, your father needs to drop her ass! Just my 2 cents.

[jvs84]

Bird of a feather flock together! Talk about no support from your own mother! SHE SUCKS big time!

 

Have you guys thought about going to IC to find out why in the Hell you guys keep taking stuff like this, I know it must have started when your mom did it to your father, your father needs to drop her ass! Just my 2 cents.

 

Trust me about my mom. I have hated her ever since she did what she did. Her excuse was that she has depression. My dad accepted her back because of his kids, only one of which was still living at home when this happened.

 

I have always voiced my opinion to my dad though about getting rid of her. Which is one of the primary reasons I want to just end it with my wife. I want to show my father that we can move on to a better life.