what should I do?

[Calamity-Jane!]

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation at the moment, so anyone with a few pearls of wisdom is very welcome!

 

At the moment, I'm "friends" with a guy whom I recently broke off a relationship and engagement with (I know it sounds strange!).

 

I broke it off because I felt smothered - anything that I said he would agree with etc,etc - it was almost like he was trying to be my perfect man, by forfitting his own personality. At the beginning (and engagement time) of our relationship I thought that we were compatible 'cause we liked the same things etc, and he was becaming all that I would want in a partner. I care about him alot, but now I realise that that he hasn't been honest with me or himself.

 

As I said earlier, I really care about him - he is a really caring, sweet guy, and I'm confused as to whether I'm in love with him. Since we broke up, he has strived to maintain our friendship, and has always maintained that he was content as friends (that's what I had wanted) - but now he has dropped a bombshell that he is still in love with me - & had been all along. I would really miss him, if I weren't to see him again, and as I said, I'm not sure of my feelings towards him. What should I do???

[Tony T]

You broke up with him because he was too nice, to available, too sweet, too predictable and too sickening to want a long term relationship with. There is just no way anybody can enjoy that kind of a situation because it's simply too easy and no challenge at all. There can be no sparks in that kind of situation and I hope you do this guy a favor by telling him.

 

I think you would really like to be in love with him. I have an idea you've even tried to force yourself to feel romance for him...but you couldn't pull it off because the spark, the challenge, the essential ingredients werenn't there.

 

You have no control over his feelings for you. If he wants to be stupid and hang around you and torture himself while you look around for a real MAN who is not going to be a wimp and who is going to stand up to you, then by all means let him hang around. But make it clear in no uncertain terms that it's a no-go as far as your feelings are concerned. By not giving him even a glimmer of hope, unfortunately, you encourage him even more by being even more of a challenage.

 

You may just have to keep away from him for several years until his feels ease off and he finds someone else. I know you want to be his friend and this stay away strategy sounds very harsh. You seem like a really sweet lady, but you are just as human as any other person and you just can't force yourself to love someone.

 

Don't look for this guy to change much in the near future. So, I think the ultimate solution you'll arrive at is just staying away from him completely and avoiding him at all costs for a while. There is nothing worse than having a lovesick puppy for a shadow, particularly one that will jump in your lap at the snap of a finger.

 

Isn't life a bxtch sometimes?!?!?

[Calamity-Jane!]

Thanks for your response Tony - it was really helpfull, and I'm going to take your advice. There is one thing though, that I would like to ask further advice on...

 

It seems that I attract men who are like the guy I mentioned above - they either seem to be really dependant on me ( I've been stalked before now), or they really play me around - never an in-between. Do you think that I'm sending the wrong signals? Most of my friends have found their soul mate (or so it seems), and I suppose that that I feel that I would like to meet someone (eventually) who I can have an equal relationship with - someone who I love. I'm not desperate for a relationship, but I don't want to attract guys that are not compatible. What do you think?

[Tony T]

We attract people that we seem to need at the time, even subconsciously. While on the outside, you may give lipservice to the type of guy you want, you consistantly gravitate to males where nothing will ever come of the relationship.

 

To me, this indicates some internal, perhaps unconscious fear you have of being in an intimate relationship. You may be unaware of this entirely. Because of some abandonment issue from your childhood, perhaps your parents split and you had to live with only one, or maybe someone you loved died when you were young, you may have been traumatized and are just plain fearful of getting too close to anyone. Picking men who just don't cut is your subconscious mind's way of protecting you from that which you fear. Now, that's my speculation...only you can decide if it's on target.

 

I have found that when we get really serious about finding a mate and simply cease to put up with the kind of behavior we find inappropriate, the right person comes to us.

 

People who attract nice, sweet, agreeable guys usually have very strong personalities and, again, use that as a tool to prevent a relationship. People who attract jerks tend to use that the same way...they usually are attracted to them sexually and enjoy their company intermittently but they know nothing will ever come of it.

 

When you get ready, give a lot of thought to it and make a short list of the attributes (and don't ask for too much, men are human) you would really like to have in a mate. Then, if the guys that come into your life don't reasonably have those attributes, stop seeing them right away.

 

Just stop putting up with what you don't want. STOP!!! When you do that, you'll be sending vibrations to the universe of exactly the kind of guy you want in your life...and PRESTO, Mr. Right will show up. That's a guarantee.

 

This process may take a while but the longest journey begins with a single step. Take it today.

[Charles]

I'm a person like that myself so I can sympathise with him.

 

I can tell you now that it will eventually ware off and he'll settle down and stop needing to be with you every

 

5 seconds if you two are together. He is one of those

 

rare guys that you will always be able to trust on for

 

loyalty towards you.

 

there tend to be two types of people. those who stay the

 

way they are and wait for someone who is a match for them,

 

and those who will do the best to become what their partner

 

wants. obviously there are various levels of how much a person wants the other to be like them and how much they are willing to change but some are very much one way or the other.

 

It sounds like you two fell in love and decided to marry

 

very quickly. If you do get back together with him

 

hold out as long as you can and he will eventually get

 

to a point where he'll show a stronger will to do what he wants.

 

If you don't decide to get together with him though then

 

make sure he knows it and try to find another guy that

 

you like to go out with and strengthen that.

 

My relationship has lasted quite a while now and my GF

 

had the same problem with me that you do. Time has

 

tempered me now though and I'll say that I have changed

 

my personality to suit hers but my change is at and end

 

and I am who I am for her.

 

we don't just change for our Girlfriends though

 

we change quite a lot depending on the people around us.

 

I'm friends with a carpenter, a computer expert, an

 

unemployed girl and a book worm. Its just the way we are.

 

he's not being dishonest with your or himself

 

thats really is, who he is. a person who adjusts himself.

 

a good solution is to live a little appart so that you

 

don't see each other that often, this way when you are

 

together then the smothering won't bother you so much

 

because its not constant, only when your together. also

 

jobs and such can help if you don't have one or only

 

work short hours. Anything to reduce the amount of time

 

you spend together so that by the time your together again

 

you feel like you've missed him a little and not wishing

 

he would go away for 5 seconds.

 

if you get back together go straight out and say that you

 

don't want to get even engaged for something like 2 years.

 

this gives you plenty of time to settle with each other.

 

Good luck

 

Charles

[Rogue]

He seems to be very devoted to you. He seems to have gone to great lengths to respect you,your thoughts and your feelings.He did this at great cost to himself.Believe me men HATE hearing "I'd like to break up,can we still be friends?".There's a lot hurt when you hear those words,lady.That alone would've embittered most men. He put up with a lot for your sake. And ,as far as you've told us,he hasn't asked for anything in return.

 

Now ask yourself this.Why does he do it? Because he's wimpy? Maybe.Because he's stupid? possibly. Maybe,just maybe, he's gutsy and cares about you? Maybe he BELIEVES in you. Maybe he sees something in you he doesn't see in other girls,and he doesn't want to give up,he doesn't want to surrender.Maybe he thinks you're worth hurting for! I have no idea where he could get such silly thoughts. Surely,you're not worth it, are you?

 

Now ask yourself,what have you ever done for him? He's shown what he has to offer,now it's time for you to think about what you can give.

 

My older sister had a very similar dilemma.She was "dating" 3 guys at one time and asked me for my opinion who she should keep,since she only wanted to go out with one guy only.I asked her which one was the nicest,most trustworthy,and told her to keep him. She did . They eventually got married and have kids.Now I have to put up with her weekly e-mails about how disgustingly happy she is with her life and her family!!!

 

The point is, at the time , my sister felt that "nice" guy was way too "wimpy",way too "dependent" . He turned out to be the only one with guts enough to last the rough times married people have. It makes me sick how happy they are now!

 

Make your own decisions about this guy you have. It's your life. I'm just sick of women complaining about what jerks men are then treat nice guys like dirt.