Cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life

[Donewrong]

So i had an PA for about 6 months. I turned to another man for support of things that was emotionally missing in my marriage. One of the key components missing was communication on my side. I know if communication was there I probably wouldnt have strayed. I take full responsibility for what I did. I feel horrible and realize that I do love my husband. He is leaving and getting his own place and I mine. I am working on my own issues to what drove me to doing what i did. I know i want to resolve the issues and work on getting my marriage back. I need to learn to trust and i need to learn how and what to do to get him to build trust as well. Any ideas on how to start?

Edited September 7, 2010 by Donewrong

[What_Next]

This is going to a strange thread for sure. Firstly, most everyone around here knows me and knows my story well.

 

Well this poster is my STBX.

 

In case you've been living under a rock lately, here is our story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/

 

That's all I have to say on this thread for now. I am going to let it continue and I won't comment.

[Woggle]

Learn so you don't make the same mistake with another man. I'm sorry but when a man ups and moves out after being betrayed chances are he isn't coming back.

[spriggig]

Welcome.

The chance to hear both sides of the same story is rare, even in real life.

 

We've only heard your husband's point of view, tell us the whole story in your own words as though we don't know any of it.

[You Go Girl]

Yes, do tell it as if we don't know it, like spriggig said.

 

Actually, I don't know it. I was off LS for a couple months because my stbx was watching what I was posting. So although I followed your H's thread in the beginning, I lost track during that time, and reading 30 pages of one thread just isn't in my time table.

 

Plus, you're brave enough to come here and discuss the failed intimacy. Rebuilding that trust, and learning to trust yourself, comes with understanding. Understanding comes through discussing how the two of you drifted apart in the first place, or, if you were never truly close to begin with, developed a close intimate relationship. I imagine both these things are true. You may, if the two of you so chose, develop a closer relationship than you've ever had in the past.

Forgiveness and trust will come naturally then. You will understand each other, your love for each other will grow under these circumstances, and you will see the love you had before as childish compared to what you will develop for the future.

This is the best case scenario. It takes instilled good values to even contemplate that outcome. Straying against one's values is one thing, not having those values is another animal altogether, and usually not fixable.

 

So I suggest that the two of you discuss your family values growing up, and the values that you each carry today. Are those values in agreement with each other in most ways? In the ways that those values do differ, are they understandable differences, or are they deal breakers? To start, what does each of you think about infidelity? Do each of you believe that infidelity can be worked through and overcome? If not, why not?

 

Secondly, I would focus on the remorse vs. guilt on your part. Remorse is very different from guilt. Remorse can be healthy, and atonement can follow. Guilt is a roadblock to understanding. Is your H willing to consider atonement and believe your remorse, or does he just see guilt? Do you feel honest remorse, or do you feel guilty at having been caught? Now the latter is probably true, so owning up to what percentage you feel guilty about being caught is something you should own, and say it aloud. The first steps of course in any reconciliation are always honest ones. Owning the guilt at having been caught is the first step to both of you approaching this digression with maturity. The remorse will follow with understanding on both sides. To deny there was guilt at having been caught is a lie. See? So both of you need to approach this with maturity.

 

I believe infidelity can be overcome and a stronger relationship can be created from the ashes of the one that burned. Pride on his part is a huge issue that must be discussed in depth and at length also. "You did this to me" is the usual thought that is so difficult to move past to create a greater understanding.

Keep posting. You have nothing to lose, everything to gain, and I think you can surivve the attacks from the people you will never know personally, as some are definitely coming. There are betrayed spouses here who will desire to lash out from their personal hurt. Learn to recognize them and identify them when you feel attacked.

[Donewrong]

well..the story is pretty much what What_next said in is thread. He did have it spot on except for what I was feeling at the time.

 

I guess for a long time I felt there was alot of things missing in our relationship that I needed. I also held alot against my husband for along time - one was I was unable to stay at home with our child 2. We had his mom living with us and, 3 our long history that I couldn't let go. I have always been a fairly quiet individual and I think that was the one major cause of this. I didn't feel like I could approach my husband to tell him what i needed emotionally. Years and years of not telling him and REALLY WRONG I found it somewhere else. It was like a drug. I was like an addict. One hit and I wanted more until I couldn't think straight. I tried to end it several times before it got physical but that emotional drug just sucked me back in. When I got caught I did feel guilty for getting caught for the first 24 hours. Since then I've been feeling deep remorse for what i did. I feel remorse about what I put him through. i hurt him and I can't forgive myself for that EVER. I can every day prove to him with actions that I will never hurt him like that again. 20 years lost because I couldn't approach my husband and tell him what I needed. I am working on my communication skills. What I did was absoluetly wrong and you will never hear me say it was right. I want to start rebuilding the relationship with my husband but I'm having a hard trying to figure out where to start. Trust - I am an open book to my husband now. I have given him my email passwords and cell access as well as my cell bills. I have answered any question he has had and I will continue to answer. I want to restart to rebuild our relationship and hope that in the end he will find forgiveness. I told him I will give him as much time as he needs to do what he needs to start his healing process. I will be there for him during the process no matter what!

[Donewrong]

Thank you you go girl. You give me hope.

[YellowShark]

So i had an PA for about 6 months. I turned to another man for support of things that was emotionally missing in my marriage. One of the key components missing was communication on my side. I know if communication was there I probably wouldnt have strayed. I take full responsibility for what I did. I feel horrible and realize that I do love my husband. He is leaving and getting his own place and I mine. I am working on my own issues to what drove me to doing what i did. I know i want to resolve the issues and work on getting my marriage back. I need to learn to trust and i need to learn how and what to do to get him to build trust as well. Any ideas on how to start?

 

1) Communication is the key to any successful relationship. If there is no communication in a relationship it is bound to fail.

 

2) You and your husband are each 50% responsible for what happens in the marriage. But you are 100% responsible for the affair. It is now up to you to repair the damage the affair caused, and not your husbands. You have to do whatever it takes to win his trust and love back.

 

3) When you have an affair you have stolen/removed passion and emotion that should have been reserved for your husband. Therefore you marriage suffers greatly because you have removed passion and emotion from it - (which should have been invested into it.)

 

4) You must now ask your husband if he is willing to try again. Then if he is, you need to go to couples therapy, and YOU also need to go to a therapist to work on your issues.

 

I have been down this road Donewrong with my EX and her affair. Here is some insight as to what the betrayed spouse feels:

 

A) Sexual/Intimacy - I was beyond devastated that the woman I loved and cared for was having sex with another man AND me. She also put me at risk for an STD because she doesn't know if the other man had any.

 

B) Betrayal - I felt betrayed that she had an affair behind my back.

 

C) Lack of Respect - I felt a deep anger that she would disrespect me in this way after all we shared together.

 

D) Trust - The fact that she hid her affair, and lied to me about it, showed that I could not trust her at all - or anything she said to me after the fact.

 

E) Faith - I lost all faith in her because she did A, B, C, and D.

 

So as you can see Donewrong the affair caused a huge amount of damage. And even with couples therapy I could not overcome the betrayal, disrespect, lack of trust, OR have the faith that my EX would not do it again. And therefore I couldn't allow it to happen again. The pain of the affair was too great - (so I left for good.)

 

In some cases the betrayed spouse CAN overcome the damage, but in other cases they simply cannot. All I can say is you have to step up to the plate now and it is only up to you to prove to your husband that you are worthy of his love again.

 

Best of luck.

Edited September 7, 2010 by YellowShark

[GorillaTheater]

Great post YellowShark, I'd only add two things:

 

1) If your H decides that he's willing to attempt to reconcile, he needs to see you doing most of the heavy lifting to repair the relationship. He seems like a pretty level-headed guy, but he's still going to be riding an emotional roller coaster for some time. Very sad one moment, hopeless the next, followed swiftly by extreme anger at you and the situation. You have to be strong enough to lovingly weather this. You have to be transparent to him for as long as he needs you to be. Can you do it?

 

2) This roller coaster? He's going to be on it for a long time. Months, certainly. A couple of years, likely. He'll heal in his own time and don't you dare EVER tell him that it's been long enough, that he needs to get over it. That'll be the kiss of death. Trust him to heal at his own pace.

 

And I wish the both of you the best of luck as well.

[What_Next]

YellowShark, I am not going to comment on any part of your post except to say that there is no way in h__l I'd EVER consider therapy. We did in fact go to MC very early on. Right when she was cheating.

 

In fact our first session was the day after she came back from sleeping with him! She sat there and lied, so no, there is no way I am ever going to consider going to any therapy, ever, period.

 

In addition I have taken more than my 50% of the downfall of the marriage. In fact I had already made great strides in terms of fixing those flaws as the affair was ongoing.

 

I'll admit this is yet another surreal experience to be discussing this on an open forum, although this is not the first time this has happened here on LS.

[karnak]

 

I have always been a fairly quiet individual and I think that was the one major cause of this. I didn't feel like I could approach my husband to tell him what i needed emotionally. Years and years of not telling him and REALLY WRONG I found it somewhere else. It was like a drug. I was like an addict. One hit and I wanted more until I couldn't think straight. I tried to end it several times before it got physical but that emotional drug just sucked me back in. When I got caught I did feel guilty for getting caught for the first 24 hours.

 

I think you have emotional issues which you must resolve.

 

At this moment you're like a drug addict, as you so well stated. And everyone knows how a drug addict works (i was one). You think this is the last time and that it will never happen again. But, when you shall feel fragile, week or lonely, you may fall prey to temptation again. It's like a coping mechanism.

[YellowShark]

YellowShark, I am not going to comment on any part of your post except to say that there is no way in h__l I'd EVER consider therapy. We did in fact go to MC very early on. Right when she was cheating.

 

In fact our first session was the day after she came back from sleeping with him! She sat there and lied, so no, there is no way I am ever going to consider going to any therapy, ever, period.

 

I understand where you are coming from 100%. If you made a promise TOGETHER to fix things, and on the day you were to go to counselling she was STILL sleeping with the other guy, then I have to say it is really a lost cause.

 

That for me would be the ultimate deal-breaker too.

[Donewrong]

I appreciate all your input. I'm taking it all in and trying to takes parts from it all.

 

Yes I did have the PA - I felt unloved and unwanted and and I did seek it out elsewhere and NO excuse for it. By the time the MC took place - I was already in a fog of what he was offering - and I had to get it. I did try and break it off several times. I tried to break it off once and when I came back home was some physical violence that I completely deserve based on what I did but that just gave me another push the next time he came calling. AGAIN WRONG I KNOW - JUST EXPLAINING THE SITUTATION. I truely wanted to work it out with my husband but I couldn't stop wanting to get that hit! I am going to give him as much time as he needs. I am finding it confusing because i don't know when he needs space or not. I'll

figure that out. I don't know where we'll be next month but I will not stop changing myself because I can and I will not stop proving to him that yes what I did was wrong but yes I have changed.

[trippi1432]

Wow! I have been an avid follower of W_N's thread, so this is a shocker for me to see the other side on here. Wish my ex had the guts to come on here and talk about his side.

 

DoneWrong - I can understand the lack of communication, but I also see a fundamental lack of understanding and listening on both sides of the fence here. That is what my ex and I did to each other as well for 15 years. It didn't validate the leaving, not working on it...nor bringing an OW into the split up and recon process....granted, I gave my ex the chance to make it right and try to work on it....told him all could be worked on if he gave her up and gave us both some space to work on it. He wasn't able to because he was still in his affair fog. To be honest with myself, I don't think that I could ever forgive him for it anyway and that may very well be where you find yourself with your husband....can he forgive it and can you forgive yourself?

 

To go to counseling straight from the OM with your husband....yes, that is like an addict....lust for what you thought you were missing. Not trying to invalidate your feelings, but why did you feel you couldn't communicate your emotional needs to your husband?

[Donewrong]

Not trying to invalidate your feelings, but why did you feel you couldn't communicate your emotional needs to your husband?

 

Well I'm not sure - I think my husband said in his thread - I read alot but there was alot. He was very unapproachable for years. I should have screamed and made him stop what he was doing and listen but I didn't so I can't blame him for any of this. I take full blame. I really want to reconcile when we are both ready.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I dont post much anymore...lurk here and there. Been a long time since I was an active poster here....but I have followed What Nexts story...and now that you have posted.....

 

wow...how eriely similar.

 

I spent 8 months in MC with my wife....ALL the while she was STILL in here affair...of course I didnt now at the time...had gut feelings...but still didnt know.

 

You cannot even begin to fathom the betrayal your husband feels right now....knowing you FLAT out bold face lied to him....gas lighted him and down right humiliated him.

 

It will take A LONG time to heal that wound...so dont think this will happen over ngiht.

[stillafool]

It seems it is harder for men to forgive infidelity than women from my experience. I would seek independent counseling to help you through this. I hate to say this but I doubt if he is coming back since he was strong enough to move out and get his own place; he's probably strong enough to move on.

[willowthewisp]

I tried to break it off once and when I came back home was some physical violence that I completely deserve based on what I did but that just gave me another push the next time he came calling.

 

Your husband was physically violent towards you?

[JustJoe]

To be frank, DW, I would never even consider reconciliation, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a good acquaintenceship, and share the raising of your child without rancor. That you are showing remorse is good, and your willingness to change is also positive, but think about what you've done.......how can you un-make the past? My advice would be to try to come to an understanding, regarding your child, and for each of you to live separate private lives.

[LisaLee]

This is going to a strange thread for sure. Firstly, most everyone around here knows me and knows my story well.

 

Well this poster is my STBX.

 

In case you've been living under a rock lately, here is our story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/

 

That's all I have to say on this thread for now. I am going to let it continue and I won't comment.

 

Wow, I knew it!!! When I read the initial thread I thought... wow, I wonder if that W_N person's wife found this forum...

[Sambo]

Any ideas on how to start?

 

Start what ?

 

Getting your marriage back or working on yourself and your issues ?

 

If you answer getting your marriage back then your still lost in space.

 

You absolutely MUST fix yourself FIRST then and only then do you deserve a second chance at this man love.

 

When you fully understand what I just wrote in all of it's complexity then you may have a chance.

 

Best of luck to you but I know I could never trust a cheater fully in my heart once it's done.

 

My advise is to learn your lesson and move on.

[FryFish]

Donewrong.... You took your kid to see your 23yo ****BUDDY at your ****BUDDY'S parents house where your ****BUDDY still lived... YOu are insane to think you have a chance... or even deserve a chance.

[lkjh]

I just read the H's thread and you took you kid across the border to see your 23 year old internet boyfriend at his parents house? This has nothing to do with getting your needs met, there is something really weird about that

 

 

Im sorry but combining what you did and the fact that you keep trying to justify it I think your marriage is over for good

[hopesndreams]

It was like a drug. I was like an addict. One hit and I wanted more until I couldn't think straight.

 

What makes you think you wouldn't want/desire another fix? You got quite the high from cheating.

 

Where are your comments about how disgusted you feel about what you've done?

 

I can't seem to find those.

[You Go Girl]

Not trying to invalidate your feelings, but why did you feel you couldn't communicate your emotional needs to your husband?

 

Well I'm not sure - I think my husband said in his thread - I read alot but there was alot. He was very unapproachable for years. I should have screamed and made him stop what he was doing and listen but I didn't so I can't blame him for any of this. I take full blame. I really want to reconcile when we are both ready.

 

Ok...here's a straw for us to grab at. Now those who are sentencing the woman to hell already, I don't think you are helping matters. Chastizing isn't going to do anything to help to find out if this marriage is salvagable.

 

You say your H was unapproachable for years.

Ok, let's run with that. Not attacking him for a flaw, but what can we do with that? How can we work with it?

Improved communication between the two of you!

So now the secrets are out, the walls are down, and there's nothing to lose by playing to win, because at this point if things don't improve, you've both already lost.

And yes I say both, because the death of a marriage both lose.

 

You need to find something to work with. The lack of good communication between the two of you is the place to start.

How is he going to be more approachable? How are you going to be less quiet and share your true feelings? (Long before they spiral out of control!)

The above is how the work on the marriage starts. Pointing fingers is going to do nothing here. She knows she has done wrong and hurt him. The work needs to begin.

So, when the two of you see each other, or are communicating in whatever fashion you choose, how are you going to be completely honest with what you are feeling? It sounds from what you said about yourself--quiet--that you need to open up more.

It sounds from what you said about him--that he was unapproachable--that he needs to be open to communication, and really listen.

If he pushed you--or whatever the violence was, if she took the child across the border...we have two wrongs, let's put them behind you and focus on the WORK TO REPAIR. Those two nasties can be discussed in depth later AFTER the basic communication has improved.