Cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life

[What_Next]

1 point of fact here, I TOLD HER about LS. Since the details of her affair came out I told her that I had a few places to turn to, and this was one of them. It was only a matter of time before she found my thread. I had nothing to hide in it.

 

I still believe little about the "truth" with regards to the affair, but no she did not have sex with him with my child present. There was no oppurtunity. Would she have had the weekend been allowed to continue? No idea, but she didn't.

 

She is asleep now, but I am sure she will continue to post tomorrow.

Edited September 8, 2010 by What_Next

[2sunny]

1 point of fact here, I TOLD HER about LS. Since the details of her affair came out I told her that I had a few places to turn to, and this was one of them. It was only a matter of time before she found my thread. I had nothing to hide in it.

 

I still believe little about the "truth" with regards to the affair, but no she did not have sex with him with my child present. There was no oppurtunity. Would she have had the weekend been allowed to continue? No idea, but she didn't.

 

She is asleep now, but I am sure she will continue to post tomorrow.

 

are you considering reconciling now WN?

 

to me, it seems like odd timing - now that she knows you have a boundary and she is going to suffer consequences - she's all hip to make things change... why wasn't she motivated enough before she thought she would lose everything? i think she didn't think you'd leave her. now she's running scared because she's going to suffer a little from her actions.

 

you make it easy for her - and she will just keep doing what she's been doing.

 

i think she's not sorry she did it - she's only sorry she got caught. she was also banking on you just forgiving and forgetting.

[spriggig]

He loves you, still. He doesn't trust you, he gave up. Who can blame him?

 

Of course you need to be open and honest with him now, as you needed to before but weren't. That hasn't changed.

 

But, it's not enough.

 

You felt a growing emotional void between you and your husband. Rather than confront him directly when the void was smaller, you let the void grow larger until you convinced yourself that the marriage was doomed. That conviction gave you the justification you needed to seek out another man. It's no coincidence that the other man is a young boy, you feel that you are mentally younger than your physical age and a younger man more is more compatible with your "real" self. You may have engaged in fantasies that you would have a child with the other man. That he is/was your "soulmate" and that he really "gets you".

 

The OM shares your music tastes, or more honestly, you've changed your music tastes to match his. Perhaps his politics are more in line with your own, or at least you've told him so. Maybe he claims to share spiritual beliefs that mirror your own or are attractive to you. He reads the same books, likes the same movies, food, vacation spots. Everything.

 

In reality, if you were both honest with each other, the younger man is likely very similar to your current husband at his core with only superficial differences. They may even look something alike.

 

Once the honeymoon is over and the shine is off the marriage, you have to trust that you can talk to your husband as a partner, not just a lover. He must not routinely discount your opinions, or in any way indicate that you are less than the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks of before he sleeps and every moment in between--you know the reality, but the illusion must be maintained. Only then will you feel safe in confronting him with the deeper issues that come up in any relationship.

 

Your part is trusting that he loves you in spite of his offish behavior and overcoming your fear of rejection to confront him with anything that is on your mind--be true to yourself first, and then to him. His part is to make certain that you know you are cherished by his actions and to never discount anything you say.

 

What_Next, you aren't going to trust ANY woman unconditionally from here on out, that naive bliss is gone forever, you have to accept that. You can do the work with the mother of your child, a woman you love, or you can leave her and do the work with the next woman, who will present her own set of challenges. But, you will do the work or you will be alone.

[trippi1432]

1 point of fact here, I TOLD HER about LS. Since the details of her affair came out I told her that I had a few places to turn to, and this was one of them. It was only a matter of time before she found my thread. I had nothing to hide in it.

 

I still believe little about the "truth" with regards to the affair, but no she did not have sex with him with my child present. There was no oppurtunity. Would she have had the weekend been allowed to continue? No idea, but she didn't.

 

She is asleep now, but I am sure she will continue to post tomorrow.

 

W_N - you promised...read, but post in your own thread...remember. LS cannot be taken as a professional counseling session...sorry, but going to call you on it. If you can't do MC...don't post on her thread...asleep does not erase what you post here...you know that.

[You Go Girl]

I have made a serious effort to _not_ comment on other people's posts, but I have to make an exception this time.

 

In regards to the above in bold: bullsh*t.

 

This is not only held as standard by the courts, but by God's Word.

 

Otherwise, if both sides can come together, if it's genuine and selfless, then something wondrous has occurred. This should be encouraged IMO.

Steadfast--

As psx3 has been the cheater, what might he mean by that pride keeps him from reconciliation?

He's been condemned perhaps, and can no longer hold his head high in that relationship? That would be pride, would it not? He could definitely be in error holding onto that pride. It might also feel like backed into a corner with no way out.

 

As for betrayed spouses, I do believe pride plays a huge role in why they don't reconcile. I think it was definitely true for me. Anger! Anger related to my pride!

Trust? Absolutely, a huge hurdle to overcome. But a refusal to trust again is linked to pride. It's back to the hurt pride over sex. Now if somebody tried to trust again, and simply couldn't over time, that might be less of a pride issue than when we scream on LS to leave that cheater! At least they tried. Those with huge pride issues would never try to reconcile after an A, they would immediately condemn and never agree to try. Sex is simply such an emotional betrayal because of our pride. What about other forms of betrayal that don't arouse such strong emotions? Betrayal such as drinking too much, spending too much, etc? We simply don't take it as personally because it doesn't affect our PRIDE.

This CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be held against the betrayed, should he or she decide that trust and love has been irrevocably broken.

So if trust and love have been irrevocably broken, no, I agree, we shouldn't hold it against the betrayed. But I hope the betrayed won't hide behind those type of lines when really it is their pride that is suffering.

Man(kind) does not have to let his soul and character be slaughtered to prove he is capable of love and forgiveness.

Again, I hope people don't use the type of words above if it truly is their pride that is suffering, but they have found an air-tight argument to redirect focus to morality.

I'm exploring the idea that infidelity is attacked to the degree it is, and so venomously on LS, because of pride...there are so many forms of betrayal...ignoring a spouse who is talking to you is an excellent example that would never arouse such emotions on LS. Just a thought, anyway? And if we set aside our pride, wouldn't infidelity be as forgivable as any other betrayal?

[2sunny]

choosing not to be with a cheater might actually have to do with a person having a healthy boundary.

[What_Next]

W_N - you promised...read, but post in your own thread...remember. LS cannot be taken as a professional counseling session...sorry, but going to call you on it. If you can't do MC...don't post on her thread...asleep does not erase what you post here...you know that.

 

Let's be clear on something, unless you are some sort of moderator you will NOT tell me what thread I can and cannot post on. OK? I said nothing out of order nor broke any forum rules that I could find and YES I have read them and followed them since I began coming here.

 

I initially did say I would not post on this thread, but you know what I've changed my mind on it, and honestly, if you don't like it then too bad.

 

Sorry if it sounds like I am attacking, you, but I am not. I am well aware that LS is NOT a conseling session. My intent was to correct some mis-information that was being presented here, NOT to influence the thread.

 

I agree, go back to discussing what the OP wanted this thread to be about. Oh, for the record, NO I have not re-considered reconciling on anything.

[Meatballsmom]

Donewrong

 

You have another problem that you are going to have to address and that is your daughter. You chose to get her involved by taking her with you to visit the OM.

 

When a family breaks up the children are always hurt. It has been my experience that they almost always blame the cheating spouse. Someday she will be an adult with children of her own. Should you and your H divorce, would you care to speculate when the holidays come which of the two homes she will be bringing your grandbabies to visit?

 

Two of my workmates were in your shoes. Today one of them mentioned that she had already seen the first Christmas items being put on the shelves, and the black cloud has already began to descend. They both know that neither will get to spend anytime with their grandchildren over the holidays as none of their children want anything to do with them. It has been a couple of years since one of my workmates has seen her grandkids, and she is the lucky one as the other has never seen any of grandkids.

 

I do not have any advice on how to fix your problem. I would strongly suggest that you never contact or allow contact with the OM again, no matter how dark your future days might be. He is toxic poison.

[jnj express]

Hey DW----OK so you have now decided that you can work on anything and everything that was wrong with your mge., but this decision was made only after your H., backed you into a corner, by letting you know he was/is leaving you, and moving on with his life-----So now you have decided you are fully in love, and can't live w/out him

 

Unfortunately it is way to little, and way to late---for this go round----BUT---since you will be living next to each other, and sharing each other's lives for the next umpteen years----the 2 of you could re-kindle the old spark----BUT before you can even think of that----you need to fix what is wrong with you based on all the mistakes you made---that drove your H. away---the biggest being repeatedly looking for other men via the internet

 

Is it possible that there was/are FOO problems, that have caused you to act out the way you did, in seeking other men, and in refusing to talk to your H., forcefully enuff to straighten out your mge. Very highly trained expert counseling can help with this.

 

You took your H. thru a horrible roller-coaster of emotions, blaming everything on him, all the while you were contacting your lover day after day. You lied by ommission, connived, manipulated, and decieved your H., thru that whole period of time, allowing him to think he was unable to solve the basic faults in your mge.----the topper being, the minute he went away for business, you high tailed it to your lover, dragging/exposing your daughter to the illicetness of your A., and subjecting her to your lover.

 

Way worse than having your A., is what YOU have done to your daughter----any and all psychological ramifications that this whole situation has brought about that will bear negatively on your daughter, are the fault of you, and you alone---she will bear the scars the rest of her life------hopefully you can fix yourself, and move on, and I suggest you do attempt to dig into any FOO problems that you have suppresed until now. PH D Bonnie Weil, has a success rate of 98 % at repairing mge.'s based on digging out FOO problems that were the root cause of the couple's marital problems, eventually leading to the A. for one of the partners------good luck to you---I hope the 2 of you do work it all out, and do what is necessary, to help your daughter overcome the negativity you have led her into.

[Donewrong]

First off. Wow alot to read this morning. Thank you.

 

Ok I have to reply to 2sunny. I know we are seperating and divorcing - that is inevitable. I am not scared of the move AT ALL. I am inviting is as a fresh start. His mother currently lives with us and has been a root cause of alot of stress and distance between us for years so her not being there will be a welcome thought so to reply to you - I am not doing this because I am afraid of seperation. Absolutely NO. I am doing this to fix me.

 

Whats next and I talk openly and calmly about where we want to be. reconcililation is not going to happen in the next couple weeks. May not happen in a couple months ...so when I am talking about reconciliation - I am looking at the long term - not a one day fix. Yeah he is going to change things he tells me from day to day and hour to hour. I am going to continue to do what I'm doing for me right now. Move ahead!

[tojaz]

Folks, I see this thread taking a very angry turn as the subject constantly returns to the matter of the A. Nothing posted here is going to change that. There are a lot of other issues that are trying to be brought to light aside from the affair and it seems to me that is what she wants to focus on. There are plenty of cheater bash threads here, this is one WS that is trying to make it right, and is looking for help.

 

Morning Donewrong, going back to communication, since we all are getting to see that dynamic first hand with both of you here on LS. Plenty to say, but what do YOU think was the biggest obstacle???

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, it was obvious that she was going to get hammered for what she did. Heck there are enough BS's around here to fill a stadium. However, I agree I'd like to see it not be the focus of this thread, with that being said I have absolutely no control over the direction it is heading in.

 

This is so strange to be talking about this on a forum like this with both of us, but it seems strange and odd is the order of the day for me lately.

 

As much as I'd like to sit back and just read and not comment, it is very hard for me to do that. I'm not going to say anything about the dynamic of our marriage in terms of what drove her to the affair, I am going to see if she does that.

[2sunny]

First off. Wow alot to read this morning. Thank you.

 

Ok I have to reply to 2sunny. I know we are seperating and divorcing - that is inevitable. I am not scared of the move AT ALL. I am inviting is as a fresh start. His mother currently lives with us and has been a root cause of alot of stress and distance between us for years so her not being there will be a welcome thought so to reply to you - I am not doing this because I am afraid of seperation. Absolutely NO. I am doing this to fix me.

 

Whats next and I talk openly and calmly about where we want to be. reconcililation is not going to happen in the next couple weeks. May not happen in a couple months ...so when I am talking about reconciliation - I am looking at the long term - not a one day fix. Yeah he is going to change things he tells me from day to day and hour to hour. I am going to continue to do what I'm doing for me right now. Move ahead!

 

ok, good. are you still drinking, at all?

[Sambo]

There is a saying "A coin in the pocket can't make noise by itself" this is very true in this case BUT the fact of the matter is this was a marriage and they both swore before God to love, honor and cherish.

 

She committed adultery plain and simple and was caught red handed.

 

She has confessed but the question remains is she truly remorseful for the right reasons and has she asked for forgiveness properly ?

 

From what I've read so far I don't see any real remorse nor do I see any real attempt from her to address the real issue of HERSELF except to making herself feel better about what she did.

 

Listen to me carefully dear.

 

It's NOT the act of the infidelity that is the problem here.

 

It's the INTENT and the malice in which it was done.

 

Your not a bad person because you cheated !

 

Your a CONFUSED person because you don't even understand the extent of the damage you have caused to your family !

 

Until you can really understand what you have done this man should not only run from you but he should fight as hard as he can to get the child away from you !

 

Can you understand what I am saying ?

 

Your acting like an alcoholic that is blaming the world because he drinks.

 

IT'S YOU

IT'S YOU

IT'S YOU

 

Your behavior is so serious that it has hurt several innocent people and that maybe irreparable do you get that?

 

[You Go Girl]

What_Next, you aren't going to trust ANY woman unconditionally from here on out, that naive bliss is gone forever, you have to accept that. You can do the work with the mother of your child, a woman you love, or you can leave her and do the work with the next woman, who will present her own set of challenges. But, you will do the work or you will be alone.

 

After that line, I do have hope for the woman who in the future loves you, spriggig. You perhaps aren't going to be the unavailable heartbreaker forever...

[You Go Girl]

It just seems to me you're trying to downplay the magnitude of infidelity and comparing it to issues that could be solved mighty easily.

Afterall, you said it yourself before. Isn't that what we as BSs strive for, no matter what path we take? Why continue to sacrifice yourself, your sanity for someone who refuses to even apologize for sleeping with OW and continues to remain in contact with the her?

Cheating can be worse than losing a child. If your spouse cheating hurts you worse than losing a life, then i'd hardly say that can be compared to other marital issues.

 

.

Oh gosh no, not trying to downplay it at all....

Other issues solved mighty easy? You have not been married to an alcoholic, I can tell.

Yes, thank-you for reminding me to not self-sacrifice. I had temporarily forgotten this. The underlined above hit home.

If you have lost a child, I am so sorry.

My D was supposed to be finalized yesterday and wasn't because of a missing piece of paper. I was back to--why can't we overcome anything...but I never want self-sacrifice to be part of that equation.

[What_Next]

Spriggig, will I have trust issues? Yup. Will I NEVER be able to unconditionally trust again? Hell no. I know this thread isn't about me, nor should it be, but I wanted to say that. To go through life hating women and blaming them all for what one did to me seems; well silly.

 

I feel sorry for you if you feel that way. I will learn to heal properly and to trust again. As will Donewrong. She is already healing. Does that mean I will reconcile with her? Umm, nope not right now.

[jnj express]

OK, so for all of you here, who are so into forgiving this woman----I have one question?

 

What do you say to the innocent child who is going to be the most hurt of all involved---whose life will never be the same, and who may have FOO problems for the rest of her life----what do you say to her-----FOR THAT AND NO OTHER REASON, THIS WOMAN CAN NEVER BE FORGIVEN, NOR MAKE IT RIGHT-----the above is not under the betrayed umbrella, it is under the thoughtless wreckage and disrespect given to your own flesh and blood child!!!!!!

[trippi1432]

You don't need to be married to teach a kid to do right. Obviously What Next was trying to put himself first in the M but he got burned by his W. If a married parent brings their child into their place of their affair, what does that teach the child? This isn't about the marriage now. Separation should suffice for this moment and child counseling for the daughter should be good.

 

I would agree here Bitterman...the child should not have been involved in the affair or brought around the OM at all, that in itself is a huge damaging action to the child and to any trust in the marriage now I'm sure. A child should have a safe foundation...and there are many single parents out there that have to work from that as much as married couples do.

[JustJoe]

DW and WN, your areas of concentration shouldn't be about any future re-connection at all. First, DW , you need to find a way of truly relating to the damage you have caused your H and, more importantly, your child. You must find a way to regain your integrity and honor. You are the truly guilty party, your H was merely an accessory. WN, you must concentrate on your child first, yourself second, and your wife third (but only in her role as the mother of your child). Your marriage is over, the future is about you child's well-being.

[You Go Girl]

OK, so for all of you here, who are so into forgiving this woman----I have one question?

 

What do you say to the innocent child who is going to be the most hurt of all involved---whose life will never be the same, and who may have FOO problems for the rest of her life----what do you say to her-----FOR THAT AND NO OTHER REASON, THIS WOMAN CAN NEVER BE FORGIVEN, NOR MAKE IT RIGHT-----the above is not under the betrayed umbrella, it is under the thoughtless wreckage and disrespect given to your own flesh and blood child!!!!!!

 

Donewrong--in order to clear the air on this one, how old is the child, did the child know that you were romantic with this OM, did you kiss the OM in front of the child, or did the child know nothing except that it was visiting a new person's house that mom knew?

I think saying that there is some severe damage to a child without knowing if this visit went beyond anything other than "we went to visit some friend of mommy's" that the child may never remember in later years, is assuming all kinds of things.

Lots of kids go with a parent to visit someone they never met before, and may never meet again. The visit could have been platonic and non-memorable for the child. Or it could have been romantic and confusing therefore.

So which was it. I think this visit needs to be put to rest.

[You Go Girl]

Why are you trying to minimize what she did? This isn't a case about her bringing her daughter to work so that she can meet her coworkers. Everyone knows it was not strictly platonic and even if she didn't see her mom and someone else getting physical with each other, the fact that she took their child to see another man is disgusting and dangerous. What if the OM had some sick plan for both DW and her daughter? If she really needed her fix, then leave the kid at home. She betrayed both her husband and her daughter and to think this should be put to rest is absurd. What occured was still dangerous and never should've happened. How would you feel if your husband decided to take your kid to see another woman to sleep with, in the OW's house?

 

Not minimalizing. Some posters though are saying that this child is scarred for life. There is zero proof of that! If the visit appeared platonic to the child, then of course it was horribly overstepping marital boundaries, but hardly scarring. I like to keep things in perspective. That this child is damaged forever is an assumption that some are jumping to simply because they want to judge and condemn, and are trying everything in their power to sway whatsnext to leave his wife. They have one goal in mind--to say anything that will get whatsnext to leave this woman forever. They have a motive, and that motive is not to look at the situation calmly and figure out ways for these two to eventually rebuild a life together. Both whatsnext and donewrong have expressed a desire to work this through, and in the future, rebuild this relationship.

I understand the breach of marital boundaries. But that is a separate matter. Breach of marital boundaries is between the H and W, and breach of marital boundaries does not equal==child damaged for life.

Everyone here knows that it wasn't platonic. Does the child know, or not? I asked this simple question.

How would I feel...see, here again, we are back to looking at this situation from our personal emotional point of view, as if it happened to us. That is not the issue here in regards to the child. How I would feel if it happened to me is another matter entirely, and not the topic of whether the child is damaged.

[What_Next]

YGG, I want to make something perfectly clear, NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE is going to influence my decision one way or the other. Do you really think that a BS venting on here will influence me one way or the other?

 

FWIW I have comitted to nothing. I am moving out and so is DW. We both are getting our own places. I am also moving forward with dating other women in the short term. Now I have no intentions on getting into anything serious, just dating. Therefore any talk of reconcilitation is in the form of friendship first and then romantic a LONG TIME from now. With that being said we ARE divorcing. I'll say that again, that is happening no matter what.

 

She came here of her own free will and started this thread. She knew what she would get when she did and she has been getting it with both barrels and she deserves it.

 

Since this does effect me (go figure) I'm not as concerned with the damage that was done re: the actual time she took her. Now there are some concerns that DW well knows. First and foremost is the potential danger to my child. She knows she will NEVER EVER try to pull something like that again. OK, set that aside. Next is the damage done DW lieing to our child. She knows that I am not satisfied that she has repaired that damage and she has comitted that she will.

 

Last but far from least is the damage that has been done to the relationship between my child and I. It is forever effected because of what she has done. It was a selfish and foolish act and I am paying for it in terms of the relationship I have with my child. It is up to ME to repair that though. I fully intend on doing that. It is my job as her father and I take that responsibility with the utmost urgency.

 

DW will respond in due time I am sure. She and I have still been talking today and will likely continue to talk until I move. Then we'll see what comes next.

[You Go Girl]

Last but far from least is the damage that has been done to the relationship between my child and I. It is forever effected because of what she has done. It was a selfish and foolish act and I am paying for it in terms of the relationship I have with my child. It is up to ME to repair that though. I fully intend on doing that. It is my job as her father and I take that responsibility with the utmost urgency.

 

DW will respond in due time I am sure. She and I have still been talking today and will likely continue to talk until I move. Then we'll see what comes next.

 

I understand this is her thread, but I am talking to you now whatsnext--how is your relationship with your child affected?

As far as this meeting between DW and OM with the child there-- The child was innocent. You are innocent. So how does that come between you and the child? In what way does your relationship with the child suffer?

I don't understand this, but probably because I am missing out on details. Age approx. of the child please?

[What_Next]

I understand this is her thread, but I am talking to you now whatsnext--how is your relationship with your child affected?

As far as this meeting between DW and OM with the child there-- The child was innocent. You are innocent. So how does that come between you and the child? In what way does your relationship with the child suffer?

I don't understand this, but probably because I am missing out on details. Age approx. of the child please?

 

She is 11. How is my relationship affected with her? You mean besides the fact that she largely blames all of this on me? You mean besides the fact that it is hard for her to even want to spend time with me anymore? You mean besides the fact that she hardly wants to hug her dad anymore? You need more? You mean besides the fact the when we told her about our seperate places she told me that she would come by once in a while and see me, maybe? Need more? I can go on.

 

I am NOT focusing on that one meeting. DW IMHO needs to come clean and admit the lie to our child. Which she really has yet to do. It's important that she understands that much. Our child really knew little of what was going on and no, that one event won't "scar" her or anything like that. The first Christmas without her family together, there's a scar for you. Her first birthday waking up to either only her mother

 

When I let DW know with certainty that it was over, DW spent a lot of time crying a lot. Completely normal. She actually did her best to keep it away from our child and I give her credit for it. However, when your 11 year old looks at you and says "Dad I know you are happier now but can you stop making Mommy cry" how would that make you feel?

 

This post is full of emotion, take it for what it is.