Cheated and made the biggest mistake of my life

[Distant78]

Wow, just got done reading this thread and it feels as if i'm watching the Young and the Restless.

 

But back to the matter at hand, I permanently agree with everyone who says that separation is viable and child counseling is important also. Those who choose to ignore what the child is going through needs to face the music.

[Donewrong]

Wow, just got done reading this thread and it feels as if i'm watching the Young and the Restless.

 

But back to the matter at hand, I permanently agree with everyone who says that separation is viable and child counseling is important also. Those who choose to ignore what the child is going through needs to face the music.

 

I agree - I think councelling is very important and we will be looking into that for her.

[2sunny]

it's safe (for me) to say that when a BS is thinking something is fishy and it appears that your spouse is acting in an odd manner that makes you think he/she is cheating but they lie and deceive you to the point of making you believe you may be a crazy person - ya, i think they have a right to get damn mad.

 

you willingly try to take away MY sanity by making me crazy - I GET MAD, and so should every person in that position.

 

we have a right to be mad - when we have good reason.

 

in your daughter's case - you and your husband can tell her that there can always be love - even if you don't agree with bad behavior. she can still love her Dad, even if she doesn't like his behavior. it also means she doesn't have to put up with unacceptable behavior. we teach people how to treat us. THIS she needs to learn... and live it well.

 

from the Mom's perspective - you need to understand that you are her role model... and remember that you are teaching her how to be a Mother as well.

[Donewrong]

it's safe (for me) to say that when a BS is thinking something is fishy and it appears that your spouse is acting in an odd manner that makes you think he/she is cheating but they lie and deceive you to the point of making you believe you may be a crazy person - ya, i think they have a right to get damn mad.

 

you willingly try to take away MY sanity by making me crazy - I GET MAD, and so should every person in that position.

 

we have a right to be mad - when we have good reason.

 

in your daughter's case - you and your husband can tell her that there can always be love - even if you don't agree with bad behavior. she can still love her Dad, even if she doesn't like his behavior. it also means she doesn't have to put up with unacceptable behavior. we teach people how to treat us. THIS she needs to learn... and live it well.

 

from the Mom's perspective - you need to understand that you are her role model... and remember that you are teaching her how to be a Mother as well.

 

 

Well said -thank you 2sunny

[Donewrong]

But you said yourself that W.N. abused you when he found out did you not? I'm not assuming i'm repeating what you said. But all in all, it was still a bad environment.

 

No he didn't abuse me when he found out.

[Donewrong]

No he didn't abuse me when he found out.

 

 

plus this is about me and what I need to change to better myself not Whats next. Im here to take the criticism and in the end having learned from it.

[What_Next]

You can all wax philisophical all you want, the fact remains I was faithful. Period.

 

Did I have a part in the downfall of the marriage? Yes, but then again so did my family, her family, hell sun spots might have. In the end I kept my wedding vows.

 

She lied, she cheated, she deceived almost every single person in her life. Why? Selfishness. Pure and simple. Feeling unloved or unwanted is simply NOT justification for taking the actions she did.

 

I will learn to forgive her for deceiving me eventually, I might even learn to forgive the cheating. I am having a VERY hard time with forgiving what this has done to the relationship between me and my daughter. Donewrong say all you want on this forum, but you bloody well know I AM A GOOD FATHER. I did NOT deserve this.

[What_Next]

Oh and in case you are wondering Bitterman, I found out the full truth while standing a hotel parking lot over 1000 km from my entire family. It is hard to abuse anyone from that standpoint isn't it? Get your facts straight before you shoot off your mouth.

 

Now I do admit that I was rude to the doorman on the way out of the hotel that morning, does that count? Some people really shouldn't multiply

[Distant78]

I tried to break it off once and when I came back home was some physical violence that I completely deserve based on what I did but that just gave me another push the next time he came calling.

 

I have to say if those people in the Dating section on LS find that kissing somone else outside their relationship is okay, then I have to say a slap should not be considered abuse. To me, I look at physical and emotional abuse as long-term and to find out that your best friend, your soulmate, and lover has not only been seeing someone else but took the child halfway across the world to have sex with the guy, a mere second of pain across the cheek of the lying, deceiving face (who made their BS's suspicions as nothing but paranoia) is nothing compared to what a WS puts a BS through.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Distant78

[Donewrong]

You can all wax philisophical all you want, the fact remains I was faithful. Period.

 

Did I have a part in the downfall of the marriage? Yes, but then again so did my family, her family, hell sun spots might have. In the end I kept my wedding vows.

 

She lied, she cheated, she deceived almost every single person in her life. Why? Selfishness. Pure and simple. Feeling unloved or unwanted is simply NOT justification for taking the actions she did.

 

I will learn to forgive her for deceiving me eventually, I might even learn to forgive the cheating. I am having a VERY hard time with forgiving what this has done to the relationship between me and my daughter. Donewrong say all you want on this forum, but you bloody well know I AM A GOOD FATHER. I did NOT deserve this.

 

You are a darn good father - I will never deny that.

[jnj express]

Hey DW-----How about we pursue your problems----1st would you be so kind as to think hard about you and your parents, and grandparents----is there anything there, that any of them did to each other, or to you that is causing you to act out the way way you have been

 

Relive issues of abuse, of any kind, of infidelity, of drunkeness, of lack of love, of abandonment, of change of circumstances----is there anything there that is causing you to have the emptiness you have inside you----for you are deep down empty, are you not

 

The WHY, may be explained by getting at some of your FOO history/issues-----something is causing you to continually troll on the internet for other men---in the face of what you knew to be a death blow to your mge., and to leave your daughter in a mental minefield, based on all that has gone on around her

 

You may think that you and your H., have run a happy household, but you are kidding yourself, if you think you can hide your emotions, and your daughter has seen/read all of them----it just may be she has kept it all bottled up inside of her----for who was she gonna turn to for help

 

What do you think has/is causing your daughter to hate her father----I'm sure you have some idea-----Is it her love for you, and in that situation she is percieving her father as being hurtful to you, therefore causing her to act out against her father-----just some random thoughts

[2sunny]

the daughter has these to deal with:

 

Dad has incurred some actions or words that make her angry at him.

 

Mom has engaged in behavior that makes her untrustworthy... and causes the family unit to break apart.

 

 

sounds like your daughter needs to sort these things through with a professional counselor.

 

who does she trust now? fear and uncertainty must be all around her...

[jnj express]

Hey DW ---2 sunny---- squeezed in ahead of me---I just wanted to add---when you go looking for the WHY based on your FOO----along with the other issues, is it possible that you had rejection issues, or sibling problems of any kind

[What_Next]

Hold on now, she doesn't hate me. That's definitely for sure. Our relationship is strained and we have lots to work out, but we will over time. My child and I have ALWAYS had an incredible bond. We will get that back together. There will be no counsilor for my child.

 

DW, you need the IC. You need to get to the root of why you exhibit this sort of behavior. You already have a good insight as to why but you have chosen to do little about it.

 

Honestly, up to this point I see little that you have done either way to atone for what you have done.

[2sunny]

Hold on now, she doesn't hate me. That's definitely for sure. Our relationship is strained and we have lots to work out, but we will over time. My child and I have ALWAYS had an incredible bond. We will get that back together. There will be no counsilor for my child.

 

DW, you need the IC. You need to get to the root of why you exhibit this sort of behavior. You already have a good insight as to why but you have chosen to do little about it.

 

Honestly, up to this point I see little that you have done either way to atone for what you have done.

 

keeping your mind closed to counseling for your daughter may not be in her best interest... why are you so afraid of admitting she may benefit from counseling?

[What_Next]

Why am I so afraid? Are you bloody kidding me? Suddenly you are an expert on child psychology?

 

I'll resist the temptation to tell you precisely what I think of your post and take the high road and say that I am more qualified to know what is in my child's best interest as opposed to you. Seriously. For heavens sake.

 

Yes the answer is always to pour your hard earned cash into someone else's pockets right? Good lord. Let me guess follow up the counsiling sessions with copious amouts of legal advice next?

 

I'm done with this thread.

[Distant78]

Why am I so afraid? Are you bloody kidding me? Suddenly you are an expert on child psychology?

 

I'll resist the temptation to tell you precisely what I think of your post and take the high road and say that I am more qualified to know what is in my child's best interest as opposed to you. Seriously. For heavens sake.

 

Yes the answer is always to pour your hard earned cash into someone else's pockets right? Good lord. Let me guess follow up the counsiling sessions with copious amouts of legal advice next?

 

I'm done with this thread.

 

Wow dude, 2sunny was only trying to help you man. You may not know it, but mostly everyone who commented on this thread is trying to support you.

[2sunny]

Why am I so afraid? Are you bloody kidding me? Suddenly you are an expert on child psychology?

 

I'll resist the temptation to tell you precisely what I think of your post and take the high road and say that I am more qualified to know what is in my child's best interest as opposed to you. Seriously. For heavens sake.

 

Yes the answer is always to pour your hard earned cash into someone else's pockets right? Good lord. Let me guess follow up the counsiling sessions with copious amouts of legal advice next?

 

I'm done with this thread.

 

the healing will take much longer when the mind is closed to help that can be useful.

 

i cannot fathom why you are so opposed to your daughter seeking counseling. if you have her best interest in mind - what is so wrong with counseling when she has anger to sort through- as well as so many big changes mixed in with trust issues now?

 

 

and while we're at it - what does money have to do with any of it? if your child needs help - why worry about money so much?

[2sunny]

Wow dude, 2sunny was only trying to help you man. You may not know it, but mostly everyone who commented on this thread is trying to support you.

 

seriously strong over reaction from him - must have hit a sore spot... or something he didn't want to face... it's unbelievable that a parent in his situation wouldn't consider counseling for his child's best interest. baffling - he must have reasons to keep this under wraps.

[Donewrong]

Hey DW-----How about we pursue your problems----1st would you be so kind as to think hard about you and your parents, and grandparents----is there anything there, that any of them did to each other, or to you that is causing you to act out the way way you have been

 

Relive issues of abuse, of any kind, of infidelity, of drunkeness, of lack of love, of abandonment, of change of circumstances----is there anything there that is causing you to have the emptiness you have inside you----for you are deep down empty, are you not

 

The WHY, may be explained by getting at some of your FOO history/issues-----something is causing you to continually troll on the internet for other men---in the face of what you knew to be a death blow to your mge., and to leave your daughter in a mental minefield, based on all that has gone on around her

 

You may think that you and your H., have run a happy household, but you are kidding yourself, if you think you can hide your emotions, and your daughter has seen/read all of them----it just may be she has kept it all bottled up inside of her----for who was she gonna turn to for help

 

What do you think has/is causing your daughter to hate her father----I'm sure you have some idea-----Is it her love for you, and in that situation she is percieving her father as being hurtful to you, therefore causing her to act out against her father-----just some random thoughts

 

oh my - my history..

my mother died when I was 6

My father left me and my sister with our grandparents a month later - moved to another province and raised another family.

I was a rape victim at 14

I was 15 when my father had an accident swimming and became paralized

I was 16 when I went through a pregnancy for Whats next

I was 16 and found my grandfather in bed when he passsed away

I moved out with What Next when I was 17

My dad was an alcoholic - i didn't see him much but when i did he was drunk

my grandparents were awesome. Best anyone could have.

 

I don't think any of this has anything to do with this. Maybe my fathers abandonment..I don't know. I want to seek personal councelling but that will have to wait til I am moved and settled or maybe even after Whats next gets his own place. just so I can get a grasp on the financial side of this.

 

Please just to make this clear so no one attacks. All i did was answer the question...this is not an excuse for what I did because that was completely wrong. Just plain wrong!

[Donewrong]

what does IC mean?

[2sunny]

what does IC mean?

 

individual counseling

 

MC = marriage counseling

 

 

can you explain (from your perspective) why WN is so adamant about your daughter not getting into counseling to help her? why the adversity?

[lkjh]

Gosh no.

I don't want to blame him for anything he doesn't own.

He played his part, she played hers.

I certainly am not blaming the H. What she did was destroy the foundation of trust within a marriage that is loyalty and fidelity. Where in the world do you get the idea I have a problem with men? I think you shouldn't say such things on LS, such sweeping generalizations about a person, or attack them personally as you just did me, it is in violation. I won't turn your post in, but I think you should remember that personal attacks are a no-no in the future.

 

 

Its not a "sweeping generalization". Everyone of your post target the husband. In one of your post you found a typo on his behalf about allowing the thread to go on and you attacked it. Everyone hear realized that he was trying to say he told her about the forum in the first place but you took the opportunity to take a shot at the guy. When the wife writes something you automatically assume its fact and then announce to the entire board that her word proves he has done something wrong.

 

If you don't believe go back and read your post

[Donewrong]

individual counseling

 

MC = marriage counseling

 

 

can you explain (from your perspective) why WN is so adamant about your daughter not getting into counseling to help her? why the adversity?

 

I don't think he is against it - I think he feels attacked.

Just rememeber this is his website that he told me to check out and then all of a sudden he feels as though he is being attacked. Maybe me posting is not such a good idea. I just thought it may help me some way..

 

He's been a GREAT father so there is nothing to hide. Pluse we now have split incomes and 2 households so the financial burden will be great. I think if she wants to talk to someone the school has councelling and its free but the WN would need to be in agreement of that since it is our child. Do I think she'll need it. Yes. But it has to be agreed upon by both of us unless she goes on her own at school.

[lkjh]

That is way out of line. YGG has made a lot of great posts and has been more then willing to share her story, and no she does not just blame the men, she even has admitted to her own shortcomings on more then one occasion. Shes not trying to blame the H solely but it seems that he needs to accept his part and so does Donewrong. The load is not hers alone to carry, they each had their part and the problems of the M go much deeper then just the affair.

 

 

 

I am sorry but I completely disagree with this new age everyone is too blame bs. Look its pretty clear for 5 years she has been searching the internet for EA's and sex. She has been doing this since her daughter was 6 years old. That is more than enough to destroy a family. OK great maybe the H had communication problems but flat out her actions have been like a slow moving cancer that has destroyed this family and will have long term effects on their daughter

 

I do not agree with the each person shares 50% of the blame nonsense