Screwed over by admin... again.

[Els]

Things not going so well here.

 

Bf received his postings for next year (his first year of work). Although his first 4 choices were for THREE rural districts, all nearby the city I planned to do my postgrad in, PLUS the city itself... he got none of them. He got a city a 2-hour plane ride away from mine, that he ranked SIXTH. So much for hearing reports about how badly understaffed the rural districts there are and how badly they need doctors.

 

Their admin is really ****ed up.

 

Currently, he is trying to appeal (we're not holding much hope for that... and even if it works it'll take AGES), and I'm trying to see if I can get my course done in his city. From what I've read so far, I can.. except that it takes a year longer.

 

I'm trying to contact the admin to see if I can get it done in a year (because it appears to be stretched out to 2 years part time solely because of prerequisite structure and not workload), but noone has been answering, and I doubt anyone will answer anytime soon because the whole university is closed due to the ****ing earthquake that hit last Saturday. (I'm not being insensitive, I actually was hit by the earthquake too, nobody died.)

 

My time is running out to be enrolled and to get my visa done. And I just hate all the waiting for unsettled stuff... all over again.

 

When it comes down to it, I will probably need to choose between being in the same city and having to extend my postgrad studies for a year, or being a 2-hour plane ride away. We did everything we could to prevent this, but it still came down to this.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Sometimes I feel like a character from Happy Tree Friends.

Edited September 7, 2010 by Elswyth

[aerogurl87]

Aww Elswyth that truly sucks. I'd try and get my postgrad done in the same city as him if it were me though. Even if it takes a year longer at least you two would be together in the same city and no longer in a LDR. Also you mentioned that the courseload wouldn't be as much at that university. On the brightside that would free up more of your time to spend with your SO if you want to look at it that way.

[Els]

Yeah, AG. My heart is just yearning to be with him, despite needing to extend. We talked about getting a place to live together... and I've never had the chance to do that with anyone. No more housemates from hell. He promised to help sponsor my cost of living, so fund-wise I wouldn't lose out too much by doing an extra year.

 

But logically, the other, 1-year course would be a better option. An extra year is a long time for a student away from home in a country with a currency exchange rate of + 2.5x compared to her homeland's (which my parents, who are sponsoring my tuition fees, are working in). Extra tuition fees, extra living cost. I wouldn't really be able to work properly til all of it is complete. While I know that even if we do break up in the future (I always consider possibilities like that), he is an honorable guy and would probably still pay up what he promised, to even up the cost... I would feel a fool wasting a year if we do.

[Els]

The university is closed for ANOTHER week due to aftershocks. They plan to reopen on the 20th.

 

It's just so frustrating. EVerything keeps playing around in my head and I can't settle things without their answers. For all I know, I'll soon find out that 'two years or more' means 'usually three years', which would royally screw things up.

 

Ugh.

[carvidep]

Yuck Yuck Yuck!! stupid earthquakes. I kind of know what you're going through with waiting and not knowing exactly what's gonna come next with the student visa stuff. Super annoying.

 

I've got my fingers crossed that your bf can change to a closer location! that's so messed up that he didn't get into either of them. Did he apply close to the end of the application period or something?

 

In the mean time, get out and do things that you enjoy doing there. It's great that nobody died in that quake! is there a lot to repair?

[LisaLee]

School... especially graduate school... does not make it easy for relationships. After everything I have read about physics grad programs, I know I will not be seeing my SO for the first 2 years in, and we should be living together by then. I hope you guys work things out Elwysth, it sucks when you get a taste of something only to have it taken away. What are your plans about being together after school, anyway?

[Els]

Carvi: It doesn't matter how early they send it in. On a certain date the admin will just compile everything and send it through a 'matching algorithm'. Many people have had their suspicions that they aren't telling us everything about this 'algorithm'. I'm now one of them.

 

Currently, the only impact of the quake on me personally are annoying aftershocks, having to boil water before I drink it (which I always had to in my home country anyway!) and some historical buildings that I'd planned to see, being torn down. Others have a lot to repair, though.

 

Lisa: Sorry to hear that. He's already out of school and working next year but docs in the government sector don't get much freedom either, especially early on; the government sometimes dictates where you can or cannot go. As for me, even if I take the short-route university and do everything in the shortest possible time, it will be 6 years til I'm done with my PhD. So no, not making any plans for what happens after that...

 

What would you guys do anyway? Do an extra year to avoid a SDR (we will technically be close enough to be able to make trips during long weekends, etc, but I'm not holding my breath with his first-year HO schedule), or just go ahead and do the shorter course?

Edited September 9, 2010 by Elswyth

[sweetjasmine]

I'm sorry, Elswyth. Heh, I know what it's like to have everything almost set and to have it all go up in the air again at the last minute. It's a horrible feeling, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

What would you guys do anyway? Do an extra year to avoid a SDR (we will technically be close enough to be able to make trips during long weekends, etc, but I'm not holding my breath with his first-year HO schedule), or just go ahead and do the shorter course?

 

You said that you'll be able to work there, in that country, after you finish your program, right? And I assume his posting is for a few years at least, since he's training as a doctor.

 

In that case, I would probably choose the shorter course, given the money and work situation. If you did the longer program in his city, you would have more free time, but would he be around or be busy? And how problematic would the funding situation be? Would you be able to figure out a way to budget everything or would it cause a lot of stress? Would you be able to work part-time under your visa?

 

As for doing the short course, how much money could you realistically afford to spend on traveling to see each other? And how much do you know right now about the kinds of schedules you'd both be dealing with if you chose that option? After you finish your short program, what would your job prospects look like? Would you be able to move to his city and remain unemployed, looking for work, or would you be under pressure to find something as quickly as possible? How would the moving process work? Would you have to do it yourself and would you have to save up money to be able to afford it once the time came?

 

I'm sure you've thought of all those questions, but it might help for someone else to repeat them. It's a tough decision to make - both situations have serious drawbacks, whether it's being away from him and having to hop on a 2 hour plane ride or having to pay another year's worth of tuition, fees, and expenses. I'm the type of person who worries about finances a great deal, so if I were in your shoes, I'd be pressed to go for the shorter program.

 

In any case, you won't be able to make a decision until the admin gets back to you. In the meantime, I'd try to relax and do something fun to take your mind off the situation.

[Els]

Jasmine: Those are great questions; and yes, I have asked myself the bulk of them. Tuition fees will be the same because we are charged by courseload and not by year... but living expenses will of course be there. Thing is, even if I do the shorter course that will not help our finances in the short term (which is when they are most critical), because of all the plane flights we'd need to make.

 

I'm presently leaning towards taking the 2 year course if there are no new changes. I've been in LDRs for 4 years; 1+ with my ex when he left my country, and 2 with my bf. I am just sick and tired of them; and I just know in my heart of hearts, that the distance may well be the end of us. We have been through too much, there has been too much pain and stress and misunderstandings due to the distance. What we really need now is some time to live like a normal couple to help us recuperate and rebond... not more distance.

[sweetjasmine]

Jasmine: Those are great questions; and yes, I have asked myself the bulk of them. Tuition fees will be the same because we are charged by courseload and not by year... but living expenses will of course be there. Thing is, even if I do the shorter course that will not help our finances in the short term (which is when they are most critical), because of all the plane flights we'd need to make.

 

You probably don't want to hear this, but the flights are flexible -- if your finances were in serious trouble, you could cut back on visits, theoretically, but your other expenses will be fixed. That'd give you some room to adjust your budget, should you decide to do the shorter course.

 

But since you mention you're charged by courseload, that helps a lot. One less thing to worry about, anyway.

 

I'm presently leaning towards taking the 2 year course if there are no new changes. I've been in LDRs for 4 years; 1+ with my ex when he left my country, and 2 with my bf. I am just sick and tired of them; and I just know in my heart of hearts, that the distance may well be the end of us. We have been through too much, there has been too much pain and stress and misunderstandings due to the distance. What we really need now is some time to live like a normal couple to help us recuperate and rebond... not more distance.

 

Totally understood, and the 2 year course might be the better option for you. Being in an LDR for so long really and truly sucks, and it's so much harder when you juuuuuust almost made it, and the possibility of being apart again pops up. If you really feel like you need to be in the same place, and it's worth it to you, then the 2 year course in his city might be the way to go.

[Els]

I do feel that we need it. However, I also realize that there are never any guarantees in life, and thus there is no guarantee that we will be together after 2 years even if I DO stay here. Therein lies the dilemma.

[Citizen Erased]

Damn, I'm sorry to read that Elswyth. I hope where he's moving to is at least nice... and I was hoping you weren't too affected by the earthquake! I'm sure you will make the decision best for all involved, you're a smart cookie.

[carvidep]

Hey Elswyth,

 

If it helps any, I can kind of relate. I'll be moving to my SO's country within about 2 month's time, but I'll be a 4.5 hour train ride away from him.

 

So far it looks like we'll be able to visit each other weekly or bi-weekly, but I honestly don't know what my work/social life will be like in the city I'm moving to.

 

I wish for you that your schedules weren't so jam-packed. Hopefully you'll get to see each other more often than just on the longer weekends.

 

And of course, I've got all of my fingers and other apendages crossed that he's able to do his program in his 1st, 2nd, or 3rd choice cities! ...and bouncing, too, I guess!

[Els]

CE: Where he'll be going is the city we're currently in. We were hoping to get to another city in the North Island. Our place is beautiful, but I'm not relishing the thought of another winter (or another earthquake). Still, it'd be fine if it weren't for the postgrad thingy.

 

Carvi: Thanks! Aww, 4.5 hours does kinda suck. If I do go north mine will be a 10-hour ride plus a ferry transit though, heh. So, plane is more likely.

[carvidep]

If I do go north mine will be a 10-hour ride plus a ferry transit though, heh. So, plane is more likely.

 

Ew grossss, yeah I'd totally do the plane too!

 

After some thinking out loud (which I originally typed then deleted) I finally understand your situation with the whole post-grad deal. Good luck lady!

[Els]

I can't believe this.

 

His idiot deadbeat friend who didn't even manage to get a PLACE iniitially, got the VERY FIRST one we wanted. Someone pulled out after places were assigned and he managed to get in.

 

I can't believe this.

[LittleTiger]

I can't believe this.

 

His idiot deadbeat friend who didn't even manage to get a PLACE iniitially, got the VERY FIRST one we wanted. Someone pulled out after places were assigned and he managed to get in.

 

I can't believe this.

 

Hugs ((((Elswyth))))

 

That really sucks. Is there any way you can appeal against their decision?

[Els]

We'll try, but chances aren't really high. The guy did need the job more as he was basically jobless (due to poor results + comments by referees). Bf had already signed a contract with the city hospital that offered him before more places were available in the city we wanted, as he couldn't risk the offer expiring and not getting a job.

[Els]

This is my tentative decision:

 

I should be able to wring it down to 1.5 years, most likely. In that case, I will stay with the bf. It will be extra expenditure, extra time.

 

But, to be honest, I am so sick of distance that I would almost, almost rather end things than do it again. It seems I have been in long distance relationships all my life. One started out online, but two started out in my homeland and they left to further their studies. It's just this thing about my homeland - everyone who has the chance to, wants to escape it.

 

People I've spoken to about it, have mostly asked me one thing: Do you feel this guy is the one you're gonna marry? If so, go for it. However, here's the thing: I'm not sure about the future. I think 23 is far too early to be sure about the future. And although I am sure that we both love each other at this point in time, our relationship isn't perfect, and there are significant issues, which may or may not escalate into dealbreakers in the future depending on how we change and grow. I can objectively see that as a possibility.

 

However. One of the dreams I have had for my life, as in 'Top 5 things you really want to do before you die', is having the chance to live with a partner who loves me and me him. To come back to each other every night, to be able to enjoy each other when we feel like it without the pressure of arranging meetings. I just want to be able to experience it, and that alone I feel would be enough to make the extra 0.5-1 years of study worth it, EVEN if it doesn't work out in the future.

 

Finances are a huge trouble, though. I feel I should not add burden to my parents by asking them to pay the extra cost incurred by taking the option which involves staying with the bf. The bf agrees to pay, but he has already paid so much for me to be here now, and I fear that as time goes on he may come to resent having to live a spartan life to sponsor me, even if he himself says it is worth it if we have no choice. I think one partner supporting the other for extended periods of time adds a certain stress to the relationship, excluding cases in which the partner is very wealthy, or the other person is staying at home to take care for the kids.

[Els]

I managed to get it down to 1.5 years! An extra 0.5 years is okay for me.

 

Still waiting on their International Office to process my applications but according to the professor I spoke to, I've a pretty good chance of getting in.

 

Cross your fingers for me!

[aerogurl87]

I managed to get it down to 1.5 years! An extra 0.5 years is okay for me.

 

Still waiting on their International Office to process my applications but according to the professor I spoke to, I've a pretty good chance of getting in.

 

Cross your fingers for me!

 

Good luck! Hope you get in and half a year longer isn't too bad.