niko1999 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 He is going to go see his ex tonight, whom he hastn seen in eight years. She called out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, and then she called him again last night, left a mesage asking him to go out with her tonight. In a city taht is 45 minutes away from us, and he is getting out of work at 930. I mentioned that I would like to meet her, and he is like, "I havent seen her in eight years, you can next time". But he is only going to visit with her and have drinks with her for about an hour tonight, when he hasnt seen her in eight years? So basically, he doesnt want me to come along, but she is bringing along a freind and her freinds boyfreind. Maybe Im thinking too much, but it sounds kind of like a date, doesnt it? She is married, so why doesnt her husband come along? it certainly cant be becuase she is afraid of seeing Justin, becuase she is bringng along a freind and the boyfreind. And THAT bothers me, becuase it just seems like that its a date, not just meeting up after 8 years. And she just called out of nowhere? Feeling a bit jealous and insecure am I? Yes. And though he has never given me reason to worry, I cant help but have all sorts of insecurities come out. Like him seeing her tonight, and realizing that he still really cares for her and blah blah blah. Thanks for reading guys, Im just feeling kind of down on this, its due to my own insecurities I know. Why the hell am I being so jealous? I think its the idea that she is an ex, not that she is a she. Becuase he used to have "special" feelings for her. It kind of hurts that he doesnt want me to meet her otnight, wants to meet her alone, but she is bringng along her freind and her friends boyfreind, so she obviously, I dont know. Can you tell the whole freind and freind's boyfreind bothers me some? GRRRR. I HATE feeling like this. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Can you provide a little background, please? Is this your BF or husband? How long have you been together? Do you live together? What are your approximate ages? Yes, it does sound like a date of sorts. It's not the least bit appropriate, in my opinion and you have every right to be concerned and unimpressed. Your guy is rude and insensitive to your feelings if he will not let you come along with him...I mean geez, other people will be there. They're going for drinks, for crying out loud. It's not like she's asked to meet him because she's on her deathbed and just wants to make peace and say goodbye, know what I mean? (extreme example but you get the drift). If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling my guy that I didn't feel comfortable with this whole arrangement and that frankly, I found it very strange that his ex would contact him out of blue (hmmm) after all this time......and what the hell is going on, him meeting her for "drinks" along with another couple. HELLO? That is bizarre. I personally wouldn't stand for it because it's obvious he's not considering your feelings, he's making it clear he wants you "left out" and it's all a little bit too cozy. How did you even find out about all this? Did he just admit that she'd contacted him again and wanted to meet? Why would he EVEN want to meet up with her? Exes are exes for a reason, he should put the past behind him. Do you know what the circumstances were surrounding their breakup years ago? Was it her or his idea to breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I know that you said that you wanted to meet her. He said, 'some other time', so I'm assuming that he didn't invite you to go. I will not jump to conclusions, but I recommend that you keep your eyes wide open. Something isn't right about all of this and you have every right to be upset and curious about this. Does he know how you feel about all of this? I don't want to scare you, but I'm gonna be honest. From experiences, if I wanted to meet one of my ex's, without my mate, being bad would definately be on my mind. ~V Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Maybe Im thinking too much, but it sounds kind of like a date, doesnt it? Yes. It is absolutely a “date.” Feeling a bit jealous and insecure am I? Yes. And though he has never given me reason to worry, I cant help but have all sorts of insecurities come out. Like him seeing her tonight, and realizing that he still really cares for her and blah blah blah. Thanks for reading guys, Im just feeling kind of down on this, its due to my own insecurities I know. Why the hell am I being so jealous? You have every reason to feel insecure about your relationship and his intentions regarding this other woman. He may not have given you any cause to worry before, but he’s sure giving you one NOW! She’s a former girlfriend, married or not, and you and her husband have been conveniently excluded from their evening out. He’s preparing for any opportunity that might arise and has already admitted he still cares for her. Only if you were ignoring the obvious would you be in a state of denial. He’s excluding you purposely, and you can stake your life on the fact that he is up to no good. So what are you doing with this jacka$$? Is he your boyfriend? --- Your husband? Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Please, don’t allow yourself to be treated like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted February 21, 2004 Author Share Posted February 21, 2004 He has never done anything like this before. I actually just finished talking to him, it was over ten years ago that they had a summer romance, when he was like, 15. BTW, Im 22, he is 26, we do live together, and have been together for 19 months. And like I said, he has NEVER done anything like this before. And I know there is nothing wrong with his being freinds with her, she is one of the very few people he kind of kept in contact with after high school, and then they lost touch. Apparently she tracked him down by calling his dad. I found out, becuase I was here when she called the first time, and I was here when he listened to the message last night, and he told me about it. So it isnt like he is hiding anything from me. Plus, not to make excuses for him excluding me, but I am working until 1100 PM tonight, so the fact that he gets out 11/2 before me, and not inviting me, does make sense. I know its just my own insecurities, and he has told me that there is nothing to worry about. Im by far NOT closing my eyes to this. And it has been eight years since they talked to eachother, they may not even get along again after tonight. But like I said, it is my own insecurity, I just finished talking to him about this. HE claims its going to be ackward enough to see her after eight years. I dont know. Ill worry a little more if this becomes something frequent. But for now I just have my own insecurities to worry about, like worrying something is going to happen tonight, even though when they "dated" they were 14 and 15 yrs old. Maybe Ill feel better after I get a chance to meet her. Thanks for your replies guysl Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 It makes no sense in the world, and it is just PLAIN WRONG that she is meeting up with him without bringing along her husband, and he's agreeing to meet her on a night when you work late and can't be included. If she only lives 45 minutes away, it's not like she just rode the boat over from the other side of the world. He could have (and should have) very easily suggested that you ALL get together when it's mutually convenient and possible for ALL of you, period. Don't make excuses for him. How do you know for sure she's really MARRIED? Maybe she isn't. Maybe her marriage is on the rocks or she's bored with it and is looking to rekindle something with your BF. I'd be curious to know if she even KNOWS about you? So what you work til 11pm. Surely you could meet up with them? You have every right in the world to be there. If it were me, I'd be showing up, and if anyone had a problem with it, too bad, so sad. It's one thing to trust a partner, but it's entirely another thing to be too trusting. So how long will his little "Drinks" session be tonight? It should only be for a couple of hours if there's nothing going on there....but if he's out til 3am or later, then you can bet there's something not right. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Niko - Has the intamacy between the two of you suddenly stopped? Are the two of you having problems? Are the two of you getting along? ~V Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 Looks like a tyrd... Smells like a turd... Sounds like a turd... Must be... ...A TURD!! Don't settle for this treatment now, or it will never end. Just my $.02 Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I think he is being very inconsiderate. Some people like to take the trust issue way to far and subject the relationship to unnecessary stress and then act like its your fault. Ask him, what exactly is it your prescence will take away from the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 And yes, some people definitely DO try to take advantage of someone's trust in them, and they take it too far......but on the other hand, a turd can only take things as far as he's allowed to take them. Sorta like the fact that someone can sh*t on ya only if you let them, or someone will mistreat you, only if you let them. If I were Niko, I'd be fuming about this little convenient/suspicious scenario......and I'd put my foot down and tell the turd that if he's so hellbent on meeting for drinks, in a dating-type scenario, with his ex, he can knock himself out......but to find himself a new residence because his crap will be on the lawn when he decides to come home. Some might think that's harsh, but NOBODY should ever put up with being blatantly disrespected....especially at the possible expense of the relationship. Her guy is just playing with fire, though he might just already know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I am so sorry that he has put you in this position. And yes, you should feel jealous!! Don't second guess your gut!!!! More importantly, you should be able to be honest with him about your feelings and if he cares about you, YOUR FEELINGS WILL COME FIRST. This is a good indicator of his character. Do you want to be with a man that you can't communicate honestly with and that doesn't consider your feelings first and foremost? REMEMBER: You are teaching him how to treat you in the future. I would test him----tell him the truth, that you would like to go along. Just see what he decides-----------------------------------------then you can decide to keep him or not. If he goes without you, there will be more of that in the future, with other situations---you can count on that! TRUST YOUR INTUITION. Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted February 21, 2004 Share Posted February 21, 2004 I have to agree there is somthing not right about this "you can not come with me" thing he has going on. I would be worried too. BUT.... He has been open and told you hes going. He has not lied. I think if somthing bad was really going on he would of lied. He did not have to tell you. He chose too. So I give him credit for that and would say you have nothing to worrie about as long as he is back at the time he said said he would be, and tells you all about it ,and gives you a big hug when he gets home. Im sure it will be fine. Flower Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Ps) tell him if he wants to meet her next time, you want to go, and if he says no, tell him you will be meeting a male ex you have met on the Internet even if its not true! If he can meet a female as a mate, why can you not? See his reaction to that. If he fumes, then you now have a very good argument to use against him next time he makes plans with this ex of his. :-) Bingo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 Flower, she does know about me, i heard him tell her about me, so i know that is not an issue. and the main reason why im trying NOT to jump the gun, is befcuase he was honest with me about it. its not like he was sneaking around or antying. anyway, he ended up not going tonight, beucase apparently, the freinds boyfreind got his license taken away, and he could not go, and justin didnt want to be a third wheel. oh damn, im so upset that he couldnt go(can you read the sarcasm there?) he is going to go visit next saturday i guess, and im going to try and get around work so i can go as well. cuase if its ok for her friends to go, how ocme its not ok for me? the whole ex thing for me doesnt wor, but htere is a guy that lives around here i have been talking to online but the ting is he is NOT a jealous person, he finds very little in life to get worked up over. and, his mentality, I honestly think, he sees nothing sketchy about this at all. I actually talked to a co worker of his, and she agreed to the same thing, that the situation is sketchy, but him being who he is, wouldnt (and doesnt) see it like taht. He did tell me he would call when he leaves. And I have to admit, I feel a little better about him going to see her during the DAY. dont ask me why,but I do. I have talked to other people, like at work and stuff, and they all said it seems sketchy as hell too. And like Flower mentioned, and I said as well, he ISNT hiding any of this from me, which in and of itself I think, allows the worry notch to go down, but doesnt do a thing about the jealousy factor. Sorry, Im rambling, but Ill let you guys know what happens. Oh, and who the hell does she think she is, ivinting along something like this? Is seh that dumb and naive as well, that she sees it more as just seeing an old freind? Im sorry girls, but we know how we conive about the ex's. Gotta go, cause now Im going to get angry Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted February 22, 2004 Author Share Posted February 22, 2004 Ps, Vivid, intamacy has not suddenly stopped between the two of us, it diminished after we got comfortable with eachother about a year ago, but hasnot suddenly stopped, we have not had problems, not that normal couples dont. we argue occasionally, we get along great a lot of the time, and he has been really nice to me for,, almost always Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted February 22, 2004 Share Posted February 22, 2004 Yes I think its going to be fine :-) You sound very happy and he sounds like a nice guy. I agree, your right, hes not lied, and like I said before, If he was up to somthing he would not of told you. Flower Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 She (the ex) is probably really hideous looking, I mean missing teeth and full blown acne and gained about 300lbs in the last ten years. Thats why he didn't invite you. HE'S EMBARASSED! he doesn't want you to judge him for being intimate with someone so replusive. poor thing, he doesnt want her to feel bad either by showing off his incredibly beautiful, intelligent new girlfriend. that would be rude. If he f@#ks with you he loses. I hate these situations. sounds like your dating my bf I stay home and drink. it dulls the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted February 26, 2004 Author Share Posted February 26, 2004 Well, according to her, she has gained weight. Aw well. He is going to perhaps see her this saturday,he has the day off, and I am better feeling knowing that they may hang out during the day, not go out for drinks. I think I may make that request to him. That I would just feel more comfortable if he visited her during the day. I dont think that is too unreasonalbe huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 This situsation sounds all too familiar to me... Expect I was the women making the phone call.. I am 26 years old and I contacted someone that I was involved with in high school and had not spoken to in 7 years. We were never extremely serious, I meant him in junior high and we dated on and off all through high school. bbut, lost touch when we both went to college.. So, I got his number through a very long story and I gave him a call.. I had just gotten out of a relationship that last five years. I called him because we never ended bad and in my opinoin we never ended. So, he wa seeing someone, but nothing serious like you and your boyfriend. However, he meant me for drinks and we just hit it off... We have been together for over a year now and it seems like he was always meant to be the one for me... So, that said, this women's intentions are NOT innocent, as mine weren't. After you have been with someone in that way, you never look at them the same. If I was in your shoes, I would tell him to really think about why he wants to see her. Just be careful, old flames can be easily started. To be honest with you, I would tell him that I didn't want him to go. Why does he need to see her. There must be something unfinsihed in there relationship or he wouldn't care less about her. He is being very insensative about your feeling and I know if I was in your shoes, I would not tolerate that at all... There is no reason for them to be friends, that is the oldest trick in the book.. Do yourself a favor and stand your ground on this one. You are not being insecure and you have every right to be jealous. If my man tried to pull this ****, I would tell him to make sure he brought his suitcase on the way out. No women deserve to wonder, you love him with all your heart and you deserve no less. However, i know life is never that easy, but just make sure you keep your eyes open..... Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 OK, I agree with Angel: your feelings come first. This is an out-of-the-ordinary situation. If it were you objecting to him seeing his sister (an ordinary situation), your objections would merit less concern. This is also letting him learn what he CAN get away with in the future. How many people have to tell him that this is not a good idea for him to decide to let you go along? Or even to decide to not go at all? Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 Thats a good point. Maybe im to trusting lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 No flowergirl. Youre not too trusting. Nor do I think I am.One thing I have to keep in mind is, they were 14 and 16 when they dated, and it was a summer relationship, that was long distance. They never had sex or barely ever kissed(of course I can only go on what he told me about it) And he did remain freinds with her in high school, they kept in contact. Except for the last eight years that is. I have asked him why he wants to see her, and he said that she is the only person she had any interest in staying in contact with, but it never happened. Its not like I cant tell him NOT to go, especially since he DOESNT go out, once in a great while he'll meet up with his brother for drinks, and he hastn done that in a year now. So who am I to deprive him of freinds? And who says anything is going to happen? Besides, she hastn even called him back yet, and its already Thursday, and tonight when we went out, he asked me what I was doing on Saturday. Ive already decided Im not going to go to work, Im going to go out with one of hte girls he works with probably. Plus, when he and I talked about him meeting up with the girl the last time we talked about it, he said i could meet her next time, if there even IS a next time. Cuase whos to say that they are even going to get along after all these years? So we will just have to wait and see. Though I kind of wish now he had gone out last saturday, cuase then this will have been already over with. Hmmm, maybe mellisa's husband decided HE wasnt too keen on this idea himself Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 hum yes.....okay.......thats young when they dated....ok...im back with you. :-) I agree you have to let your BF do his own thing sometimes, my BF is the same, he does not go out that often, but when he does its often with female mates, he lives 200 miles away and if i told him not to go it would not be fair, I have male mates and because I let him go out he trusts me to go out too, its much better like that! :-) Has she called yet? Link to post Share on other sites
LikkleMissConfused Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 They've met up they don't need to meet up again! I think you should make that clear! He isn't doing anything but him seeing his ex shouldn't make you feel the way you are feeling and you are his GF so he should take your feelings into consideration! But i generally agree with flower. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niko1999 Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 I just thought of something that another post on here(different section), made me remember. If he really wanted to cheat,he could have a few times by now. He has had oportunity, with EX'S, and never did. So why should tomorow night be any different? Oh, and Likkle, he has not met with her yet, he said if he was to see her AGAIN, after tomorow(if they even meet up), then I will come along. And like I said before, they may not even get a long any more, it has been eight years. Just beucase you can remininece on the phone for about 20 minutes, doesnt mean youll get along in person. Oh and flowergirl, I want to thankyou, becuase you are the only person who has NOT been a complete pessimist about this whole situation, and you have helped me feel better about it too. I know I asked for advice, and believe me, I value everyones opinions. I just kind of wish I had not gotten so many negative comments about the sitiuation is all. I was kind of hoping to set my mind at ease i guess. But I do value everyones opinions, beucase it helps me NOT totally close my eyes to this. Ill keep you guys updated, probably let you know on sunday what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
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