Is bad sex enough of a reason to end a marriage?

[InceptorsRule]

@ Gorilla Theatre

 

It is entirely possible my expectations are too high. I would love to hear what others think on this topic.

 

I am not saying I want perfection with every movement he makes during sex. What I am saying is that I want there to be some minimal level of natural or instinctive "tuning in" to my body and mind during sex. I have no trouble providing guidance when required, but there comes a point when that requirement for guidance becomes a distraction and a hinderance to sexual enjoyment.

 

 

LOL, you're talking about sex, not the ballet, right? Maybe you are a little too picky. My wife's basic requirement is that I get it in the right hole. Any skill I show beyond that is gravy from her viewpoint.

[florence of suburbia]

Women who start saying they are totally repulsed by their h's after ten years of M generally have "issues" of one kind or another with some kind of involvement with an OM who becomes their new "love focus." The OM is placed on the pedestal and the H is torn down, making it seem like divorce is the only realistic option.

 

Some of what you're saying makes sense, but this doesn't. If she wasn't attracted to him to begin with, then why are you saying her repulsion is now the result of issues or an affair?

 

How would you feel after ten years of having sex with someone you weren't attracted to? You already said attraction can't grow out of nothing.

[florence of suburbia]

LOL, you're talking about sex, not the ballet, right? Maybe you are a little too picky. My wife's basic requirement is that I get it in the right hole. Any skill I show beyond that is gravy from her viewpoint.

Wow, you started out on the right track, but now you've veered way, way off. Lucky for you, your wife has such low standards.

[InceptorsRule]

It's been interesting to read everyone's input -- thanks to all who are contributing. To address some of the comments that have been expressed, yes, some of the coaching on technique has been helpful (he's not totally unteachable) but I still can't help but feel that there is something more inherently "off" in how we relate to each other sexually.

 

 

Wow. This is very honest, thank you for that, but is undoubtedly one of the most absolutely condescending statements I've read here by one spouse about the other spouse. I'm sensing an almost total lack from you not just of love and passion for your h, but of any real sense of respect, either. You obviously had your reasons for marrying him but being in love with him most likely wasn't one of those reasons.

 

What was it? He provided financial security? Status? An escape from an unsatisfactory family life?

 

Unfortunately your entire attitude throughout this thread towards your h--the sense of utter disdain-- shouts out to me "wayward wife." If you are "off" in how you relate to each other sexually and emotionally, most likely you have secrets between each other and in these situations those kinds of secrets almost always involve a third party. You said you think your h is absolutely faithful; and we also know you've already suggested opening up the marriage, which your h rejected. So he wasn't the one who cheated in your relationship, if anyone did.

 

 

A couple of posters said it was about chemistry and one even remarked that it wasn't so much that he had trouble turning me on as he just turned me off. Both are good observations and potentially correct. I really don't seem to have trouble getting into "the mood," but that feeling often dissipates, which I don't think is normal if the sexual chemistry is good or if you are really attracted to someone.

 

It's also hard to stay in the mood if your mind is always wandering somewhere else and you are always thinking about being somewhere else, with someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

One poster also mentioned that I seemed to be beating around the bush and that I still seem to be missing the root problem.

 

Whoever said that is a genius.

 

 

 

And that is also a good observation -- in the past 2 years we have been discussing this issue, we have not identified any obvious causes for our situation. It's certainly not a health issue and it doesn't seem to be a communication issue.

 

It's obviously a communication issue, among other things. Why would you have such a lack of knowledge about your husband that you would have actually approached him suggesting an open marriage as a "solution" to your intimacy problems? Did you expect him to say "Yeah great idea, go ahead and bang the neighbor." Do you not realize that to a faithful partner--as you say your h clearly is--a wife coming out of the blue and suggesting she be permitted to have sex with other men is going to hit him like a two by four?

 

 

 

I think what I am trying to elicit from the folks on this forum is at what point does one say "we've done all we can to try to address the issue and we simply have to chalk it up to bad sexual chemistry?"

 

Look you don't need a reason to get divorced and you certainly don't need approval from anyone on an internet forum. Just get a lawyer and file if that's what you want to do. I believe your HUSBAND has done and is doing all he can. I do not believe YOU have, though. Because you do not want to save your marriage. That's rather obvious.

 

 

 

And if it is decided that it is a chemistry issue, where does one go from there? How important is sexual intimacy to a marriage if everything else seems to be going well? Where does one prioritize sexual gratification in a marriage? Am I being shallow or selfish in wanting (and even expecting) sexual satisfaction for myself?

 

No, but you are being shallow and selfish for erroneously blaming your h for your lack of sexual satisfaction after ten years of marriage as an excuse to get divorced so you can have sex with other people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was intrigued to hear that Florence of Suburbia opted to stay in her marriage and accept the lack of sex as a trade off. How does one come to that decision? Are there regrets? Are there advantages of such an arrangement that have not been obvious to me?

 

You come to that kind of decision, to stay in the loveless/passionless marriage, the exact same way you got into it in the first place. You do a rational, cold, calculating cost benefit analysis about what would be best for YOU.

 

 

 

I was equally intrigued by Little Tiger who said that the bad sex was a key factor in the break-up of her marriage. What were the other factors that contributed to the divorce and to what extent did the bad sex exacerbate the other issues? Are there regrets?

 

Well actually since you've sort of let the cat out of the bag and already told your h you want to have sex with other men, your marriage is already finished for all intents and purposes unless you do a complete overhaul in your attitude, and fast. Whether or not you actually get divorced in the near future is almost irrelevant, I can pretty easily see you justifying an affair if your cost benefit analysis tells you staying married for a while longer is best for YOU. If you do have an affair (assuming you haven't done so already/are not doing so now) obviously you will be able to blame it on your h for failing to sexually satisfy you, but you still get the financial benefits of staying in the m. So why not just stay married and have an affair? Plenty of people at love shack seem to follow this path.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, again, thank you to all who are contributing. You have brought up some very salient points and I will consider them as I continue to work out this issue with my husband.

 

You might want to start by apologizing to him for suggesting that it would be a good idea for you to have sex with other men.

[InceptorsRule]

Some of what you're saying makes sense, but this doesn't. If she wasn't attracted to him to begin with, then why are you saying her repulsion is now the result of issues or an affair?

 

How would you feel after ten years of having sex with someone you weren't attracted to? You already said attraction can't grow out of nothing.

 

 

I didn't say there was a specific cause and effect, that the repulsion is necessarily the "result." However long-term married women in OP's situation often seem to generate the same sort of negative feelings towards their h's in preparation to leave the marriage, and because they need someone to focus their positive emotions on, there is often--but not always--an OM in the picture to be that focus. But, let's not pretend there's any mystery about this--OP's already stated that she suggested an open marriage and/or swinging to her h as a "solution" to the sexual problems. Married women generally don't make THAT kind of a suggestion unless they've got someone in mind already.

 

Also I never said "attraction can't grown out of nothing." That must have been someone else.

[florence of suburbia]

I didn't say there was a specific cause and effect, that the repulsion is necessarily the "result." However long-term married women in OP's situation often seem to generate the same sort of negative feelings towards their h's in preparation to leave the marriage, and because they need someone to focus their positive emotions on, there is often--but not always--an OM in the picture to be that focus. But, let's not pretend there's any mystery about this--OP's already stated that she suggested an open marriage and/or swinging to her h as a "solution" to the sexual problems. Married women generally don't make THAT kind of a suggestion unless they've got someone in mind already.

 

Also I never said "attraction can't grown out of nothing." That must have been someone else.

Fair enough, but can I make a suggestion? Maybe you should think your ideas through before making 5, 6 lengthy posts in a row, some of which contradict. There's no need to fillibuster -- people are likely to stop reading. On the whole, you come across like you're brow-beating the OP, not to mention it is a waste of your own time and energy to type something on page 3 and then disagree with yourself on page 5. Just sayin'.

[InceptorsRule]

Wow, you started out on the right track, but now you've veered way, way off. Lucky for you, your wife has such low standards.

 

 

I made a little joke at my own expense, sorry you're so offended. However the point underlying the joke is quite germane.

 

Nothing the OP has stated is at all specific about exactly HOW her h is unsatisfactory in bed nor WHAT he's supposed to do about it. EVERYTHING is about how she "feels" and that NOTHING her h does can possibly make her "feel" the way she thinks she's entitled to "feel."

 

The bottom line is that the reason the OP has decided she is unhappy and that her h is responsible for her unhappiness is because she has already decided to divorce him, because she evidently believes her life would be better if she was involved with someone else. (She's actually signified this at least twice, in her very first post when she referred to divorcing in order to have sex with someone else; and in her response to frisky in which she acknowledged having suggested an open marriage/swinging to her husband.) She's come here looking for people to agree with her/justify in her mind divorcing her h for her stated reason of his sexual inadequacy and obviously she'll get that support by taking it from those who give it to her and parsing out the contrary views.

 

IOW, in my experience, OP has provided almost every indication that she has in the past, is currently, or is likely in the future to be a wayward spouse, OTHER THAN actually admitting it. Of course she might find her reception a bit less sympathetic if that were the case, so why would she?

[InceptorsRule]

Fair enough, but can I make a suggestion? Maybe you should think your ideas through before making 5, 6 lengthy posts in a row, some of which contradict. There's no need to fillibuster -- people are likely to stop reading. On the whole, you come across like you're brow-beating the OP, not to mention it is a waste of your own time and energy to type something on page 3 and then disagree with yourself on page 5. Just sayin'.

 

 

I didn't disagree with MYSELF. I disagreed with YOU because you MISATTRIBUTED someone ELSE'S statement to ME.

 

There's nothing I've posted in this thread that "contradicts" itself. Every post has been a response to someone else's post.

 

Please STOP attacking me and misattributing to me things I did not say. If you have an issue with SOMETHING I'VE ACTUALLY SAID, why not simply POINT THAT OUT and indicate WHY YOU THINK I'm incorrect?

 

I'm sorry if you think it's "browbeating" for me to have formulated an opinion that OP sounds like a lot of other people at LS who turned out to be walk away spouses/cheaters, but IMO, she DOES. SHE'S ALREADY ADMITTED asking her h if she could have SEX WITH OTHER MEN. If you think her suggestion was a valid way to save their marriage, by all means, MAKE YOUR ARGUMENT TO SUPPORT THAT POSITION.

Edited September 9, 2010 by InceptorsRule

[florence of suburbia]

I didn't disagree with MYSELF. I disagreed with YOU because you MISATTRIBUTED someone ELSE'S statement to ME.

 

There's nothing I've posted in this thread that "contradicts" itself. Every post has been a response to someone else's post.

 

Please STOP attacking me and misattributing to me things I did not say. If you have an issue with SOMETHING I'VE ACTUALLY SAID, why not simply POINT THAT OUT and indicate WHY YOU THINK I'm incorrect?

 

I'm sorry if you think it's "browbeating" for me to have formulated an opinion that OP sounds like a lot of other people at LS who turned out to be walk away spouses/cheaters, but IMO, she DOES. SHE'S ALREADY ADMITTED asking her h if she could have SEX WITH OTHER MEN. If you think her suggestion was a valid way to save their marriage, by all means, MAKE YOUR ARGUMENT TO SUPPORT THAT POSITION.

In your first reply you said the attraction wasn't there because it had never been there in the first place. By the last post you're arguing the OP wants an excuse to end the marriage and be with someone else. How can she be "fabricating an excuse" if she made a mistake marrying him in the first place. Either she was mistaken in marrying him or she's mistaken in divorcing him. You seem to be saying both.

[InceptorsRule]

In your first reply you said the attraction wasn't there because it had never been there in the first place.

 

Are you disputing that? The OP pretty much admitted that the sex in her marriage had never been any good.

 

 

 

By the last post you're arguing the OP wants an excuse to end the marriage and be with someone else.

Yes, of course. Are you disputing that as well? Why else do you think she posted her thread?

 

 

 

How can she be "fabricating an excuse" if she made a mistake marrying him in the first place.

Well first of all I never said she "fabricated an excuse," you're again attributing a quotation to me of something I did not state. Second your third statement is not logically related to nor does it follow from the first two. (Which is precisely why I DID NOT say it. But you did.)

 

I will explain for your benefit:

 

Yes 1) she is in a marriage which has never had passion; yes 2) she's looking for an excuse to end the marriage to be with someone else. No 3) she DID NOT have to "fabricate" the excuse because it's ready-made--the lack of passion in her marriage. The fact that it's not a "fabricated" excuse doesn't mean it's not an excuse.

 

 

 

Either she was mistaken in marrying him or she's mistaken in divorcing him. You seem to be saying both.

 

LOL. Your statement is logically false. OBVIOUSLY someone can make a mistake, esp. when seen in hindsight of ten years, in having married someone; but that does NOT mean divorce is justified, or that a divorce would NOT ALSO be a mistake. But actually the fallacious reasoning you've endorsed with your statement pretty much captures the OP's justification for divorcing her h, if she follows through with that. It's simply not logical. She may think she made a mistake in marrying him, esp. in hindsight, but that doesn't mean she should divorce him NOW. It's not "either" "or" at all. And the utter lack of logic in this "either or" reasoning which you've perfectly captured is WHY I believe the sex issue is just an excuse. Because it's simply not logical for someone to toss a ten year marriage if everything ELSE is good about the man, and his supposed inadequacy is so vaguely defined. If bad sex was an issue for her she wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Right?

Edited September 9, 2010 by InceptorsRule

[florence of suburbia]

Are you disputing that? The OP pretty much admitted that the sex in her marriage had never been any good.

 

 

 

Yes, of course. Are you disputing that as well? Why else do you think she posted her thread?

 

 

 

Well first of all I never said she "fabricated an excuse," you're again attributing a quotation to me of something I did not state. Second your third statement is not logically related to nor does it follow from the first two. (Which is precisely why I DID NOT say it. But you did.)

 

I will explain for your benefit:

 

Yes 1) she is in a marriage which has never had passion; yes 2) she's looking for an excuse to end the marriage to be with someone else. No 3) she DID NOT have to "fabricate" the excuse because it's ready-made--the lack of passion in her marriage. The fact that it's not a "fabricated" excuse doesn't mean it's not an excuse.

 

 

 

 

 

LOL. Your statement is logically false. OBVIOUSLY someone can make a mistake, esp. when seen in hindsight of ten years, in having married someone; but that does NOT mean divorce is justified, or that a divorce would NOT ALSO be a mistake. But actually the fallacious reasoning you've endorsed with your statement pretty much captures the OP's justification for divorcing her h, if she follows through with that. It's simply not logical. She may think she made a mistake in marrying him, esp. in hindsight, but that doesn't mean she should divorce him NOW. It's not "either" "or" at all. And the utter lack of logic in this "either or" reasoning which you've perfectly captured is WHY I believe the sex issue is just an excuse. Because it's simply not logical for someone to toss a ten year marriage if everything ELSE is good about the man, and his supposed inadequacy is so vaguely defined. If bad sex was an issue for her she wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Right?

I guess I'm reacting to the accusatory tone in your posts, especially the latter ones. I completely agree with you --she wasn't attracted from the get go and now she wants out. But why the finger pointing about that? Surely we agree it is a mistake to marry someone you're not attracted to? Yet you think she should stay in the marriage and work things through. Why?

[LittleTiger]

I was equally intrigued by Little Tiger who said that the bad sex was a key factor in the break-up of her marriage. What were the other factors that contributed to the divorce and to what extent did the bad sex exacerbate the other issues? Are there regrets?

 

What I actually said, R&HB, was that bad sex played a huge part in the marriage's demise NOT that it was a key factor. I don't mean to split hairs but to me there's a difference.

 

There were lots of things that went wrong in our marriage - far too many to mention here. The key factor, if there has to be one, was something nasty that happened soon after we married and left me with PTSD, so it's a long and complicated story. There was also the usual stuff like lack of time, too much work, money etc etc, but I can explain how I think sex was involved.

 

Our sex life was good in the beginning, but it was always different from my past experiences. He responded differently to me than what I was used to - less of the raw passion, more loving - and he wasn't at all demanding which was quite a relief compared to other men. The chemistry was probably always slightly off, maybe the attraction wasn't strong enough for me, but when we married it was good enough.

 

We were always good friends and emotionally close - we'd been friends for over 20 years before we got together. We hugged a lot and held hands all the time but the stresses of life reduced the frequency of sex even further (at one point we didn't have sex for 9 months!). I was his second wife and I know she also complained about lack of sex in their marriage. (She eventually had an affair).

 

The lack of sexual intimacy fed into all the other things that were going wrong and arguments started to become too frequent. I began to feel unloved and unwanted. Unlike your husband, mine wouldn't talk to me. I had no idea what he was feeling, or what he wanted or needed, most of the time. Maybe it was that lack of communication that killed the marriage rather than anything else.

 

There is only one reason that we got divorced - I filed because he abandoned me. I think the responsibilties and stresses of our life just got too much for him and he bailed.

 

He walked out on me and our whole life and said he wasn't coming back! Not much point in staying married to him.

 

Do I regret the split - yes, probably I do, even though I'm happier now, but the decision was taken out of my hands, so most of the regrets will be on his side, if there are any.

 

If I could have my life back the way it was 10 years ago, and not have had to go through the trauma, yes I would. I wouldn't wish marital disharmony or divorce on anyone.

 

Having come out the other side though, I am happier in my current relationship than I ever was in my marriage, so in that respect I don't regret it. My new man feels like a reward for the hell I've been through. Just don't bank on the same thing happening to you - from some of the stories I've heard about life after divorce, I think I just got very lucky!

Edited September 9, 2010 by LittleTiger

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and how he deconstructs posts.... Thankfully he has never done so to one of mine, which either says he agrees with what I say or I am not worth his words.....

 

He pushes the envelope but often hits the nail on the head with his posts. He is tough and brutally honest with the OP and some people need to be hit hard in order to look inside and the root problem.

 

Stupidly no one has asked the obvious most important question.... Does the OP & H have kids, which make a separation/divorce much more difficult.

 

I also asked way back when, which is always my obsession about orgasms and that too was never answered.

 

I ask this over and over as I doubt a wife (woman) really ever thinks if she is having regualr sex with her husband as to how good it is for him, because he does orgasm doesn't he and usually is exhausted and ready to have a nap/sleep afterwards......

Edited September 9, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

I also asked way back when, which is always my obsession about orgasms and that too was never answered.

...

 

She explained this:

 

I have often found ways to turn myself on and also reach climax -- that's not the issue. But, for example, when I manage to turn myself on and seek my husband's participation, I sometimes find myself no longer turned on. He just seems to paw at me clumsily or slobber all over me or approach with the wrong rhythm or some other not-so-sexy movement. And this happens despite the coaching I give him.

 

I'm really at a loss.

 

 

 

I think this statement has to be wrong. Again it's not his fault that you lack a basic sexual attraction for him. He can't flip a switch that isn't there to "turn you on."

 

No, but partners can flip a switch to "turn you off".

 

OP--are you certain it is the sexual behaviors that turn you off? The pawing/slobber etc? Or is it stuff going on OUTSIDE the bedroom, that is coloring your perception of his efforts?

 

I did ask earlier--do you generally seek out his hugs? Do you yearn for closeness outside of sex? Or is there a general distance between you?

 

If I am distant from my partner, his sexual touch is not well recieved. If I am feeling close to my partner, the same touch will be a huge turn on.

[LittleTiger]

I also asked way back when, which is always my obsession about orgasms and that too was never answered.

 

I ask this over and over as I doubt a wife (woman) really ever thinks if she is having regualr sex with her husband as to how good it is for him, because he does orgasm doesn't he and usually is exhausted and ready to have a nap/sleep afterwards......

 

What's the obsession with orgasms then?

 

I may be sticking my neck out a bit here, but sexual satisfaction for a woman is not just about how many orgasms she has - at least it isn't for me.

 

Any woman who loves her husband will think about how good the sex is for him because she wants him to be satisfied too!

 

Any spouse, male or female, who is satisfied with the sex in their relationship is far less likely to develop a roving eye.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

What's the obsession with orgasms then?

 

I may be sticking my neck out a bit here, but sexual satisfaction for a woman is not just about how many orgasms she has - at least it isn't for me.

 

Any woman who loves her husband will think about how good the sex is for him because she wants him to be satisfied too!

 

Any spouse, male or female, who is satisfied with the sex in their relationship is far less likely to develop a roving eye.

 

all is good? Very simple for 95% of males to orgasm........ Does it mean all are good??? Well yes they are.... Some much better then others, but I've obsessed over this before as I just am so in the dark about it..... I am maybe wrong to think my spouse's orgasm is my responsibility... Yes she has to be in the mood, but I have to perform (tongue in cheek).....

[LittleTiger]

all is good? Very simple for 95% of males to orgasm........ Does it mean all are good??? Well yes they are.... Some much better then others, but I've obsessed over this before as I just am so in the dark about it..... I am maybe wrong to think my spouse's orgasm is my responsibility... Yes she has to be in the mood, but I have to perform (tongue in cheek).....

 

Come on TDP, you've just answered that yourself!

 

All orgasms are good (for women too I reckon)

 

I can only speak for myself but with my man, the communication is just great. I know when he's had a good time AND when it wasn't so good. We're a work in progress, as I believe all couples should be .

 

How about starting a new thread on this topic, could be interesting I think, then we won't end up threadjacking this one. I'm happy to give you my perspective on the man's need to perform.

[LittleTiger]

No, but partners can flip a switch to "turn you off".

 

OP--are you certain it is the sexual behaviors that turn you off? The pawing/slobber etc? Or is it stuff going on OUTSIDE the bedroom, that is coloring your perception of his efforts?

 

I did ask earlier--do you generally seek out his hugs? Do you yearn for closeness outside of sex? Or is there a general distance between you?

 

If I am distant from my partner, his sexual touch is not well recieved. If I am feeling close to my partner, the same touch will be a huge turn on.

 

I totally agree with this xxoo.

 

As I've made pretty clear, sex with my ex was never perfect but in the beginning, when we were 'in love', his tendancy to tip-toe around me sexually (like I was a piece of precious china) I found endearing and special.

 

Fast forward 12 or 13 years when I still loved him, but life was far from perfect and the arguments flowed thick and fast, his gentle fumblings just became a source of frustration.

 

Even in my new relationship, with a very sexually dominant man who excites every nerve in my body when things are good, I won't respond enthusiastically if he tries anything when I don't feel we're emotionally close enough.

 

Early days yet though so it doesn't happen often

[InceptorsRule]

I guess I'm reacting to the accusatory tone in your posts, especially the latter ones. I completely agree with you --she wasn't attracted from the get go and now she wants out. But why the finger pointing about that? Surely we agree it is a mistake to marry someone you're not attracted to? Yet you think she should stay in the marriage and work things through. Why?

 

OP is the only one who can decide whether she should get divorced or not. If she is looking for "reasons" to get divorced then she has a pretty good one and doesn't need anyone else to validate that. On the other hand if she thinks there is still a hope for trying to save the marriage then that will require her looking beyond the immediate issue of her lack of sexual satisfaction which is where her perspective is focused right now.

[xxoo]

all is good? Very simple for 95% of males to orgasm........ Does it mean all are good??? Well yes they are.... Some much better then others, but I've obsessed over this before as I just am so in the dark about it..... I am maybe wrong to think my spouse's orgasm is my responsibility... Yes she has to be in the mood, but I have to perform (tongue in cheek).....

 

I do think the focus on orgasm is misplaced. Yes, orgasm is important...and it is the destination....but the journey is just as (if not more) important....

 

I have some specific ideas on that topic, if you are interested, but it is OT to this thread

[finding_serenity]

I'd say go for it.divorce him now and jump to another man's bed to satisfy your sexual needs. Your H seems like a good man and he deserves a woman better than you.

[finding_serenity]

darn! I wish I have the problem you have and you have mine! It's not easy to find a good husband. If you can't see that blessing,youre dumb.i bet that's just an excuse. Are you sure you're not attracted to somebody else? Well... Jump! Get out of your marriage and I hope you find sexual satisfaction that you are looking for.

[midlife2011]

First post, long time lurker. This weave I've decided to step out from the shadows and post since I am in the exact situation.

 

I would strongly suggest reading "Too bad to stay or too good to leave" That book is an eye opener.

 

The other thing I would say to OP is that you may be having a midlife crisis. You haven't fully recovered from PTSD and there may have been another recent trigger.

 

Do not do anything now. You need to fully develop yourself first. If you leave, you may find yourself in the same exact situation.

 

Also, one stat that has helped me. Something like 90% of married couples surveyed who said that they were on the brink of divorce and stay married find that in 2-3 years time, their marriage is better than ever. I think too many just up and leave without getting through this crisis.

[tropicalfox]

 

The other thing I would say to OP is that you may be having a midlife crisis. You haven't fully recovered from PTSD and there may have been another recent trigger.

 

Do not do anything now. You need to fully develop yourself first. If you leave, you may find yourself in the same exact situation.

 

Also, one stat that has helped me. Something like 90% of married couples

 

This sums up my assessment as well. OP, I would be interested to know what your idea of good sex is? And have you ever experienced it or is it just a fantasy? Please don't take those questions the wrong way. I am just trying to get at the heart of the issue. For many people in their 30s and married for awhile, the grass is always greener in other pastures.

 

In addition, I just feel like there is something you are not sharing in regards to your relationship with your husband and maybe even some other external factors that may be causing you ask the questions "Is this how sex is going to be for the rest of my life if I stay married to this person?" From some of your comments, I just get the impression that you don't respect your husband--for example, he's a uncoordinated, a bad dancer, kind of a neat freak, doesn't even have the confidence to realize when other women are hitting on him...A woman WILL NOT be turned on by a man she doesn't respect. Now this may not be your case but I am just stating my observation from the little you've said. And if the respect is gone, then you CAN get it back. This is on you.

 

Have you flat out told your H that you are considering divorce if he doesn't meet your sexual needs better? Do you have children that would be impacted by losing what you are calling "a wonderful husband?"

 

It just can't be all about sex. And if it is--then you should absolutely not divorce for that reason. Quit talking to the counselor about your husband when he's not there and go to sex therapy together.

[Untouchable_Fire]

And if it is decided that it is a chemistry issue, where does one go from there? How important is sexual intimacy to a marriage if everything else seems to be going well? Where does one prioritize sexual gratification in a marriage? Am I being shallow or shelfish in wanting (and even expecting) sexual satisfaction for myself?

 

This isn't a purely sexual issue. Just the way you talk about your husband gives me the impression that there are much deeper issues your not talking about here.

 

I think there is something else that is driving this issue. I think you know it too.

 

We have not attended these therapy sessions together (I was also dealing with other issues that I didn't want my husband to be tied up in) and so perhaps the next reasonable step is to attend therapy together.

 

Not to pry... but what exactly are you dealing with in tangent to this issue?

 

In my experience women typically attend therapy for deeper issues that can't be solved in another way like childhood abuse or getting over a love affair... ect. More common issues are handled by self help books.