Is bad sex enough of a reason to end a marriage?

[BlackLovely]

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. I love my husband very much and we are compatible in every aspect except in the bedroom. Unfortunately, I am not sexually excited by my husband -- and it's not that he is obese or has poor hygiene or anything like that. In fact, physically, he is quite handsome and I know he has very little trouble gaining attention from women (this doesn't bother me as I know he is unfailingly faithful and doesn't even notice when other women are hitting on him or checking him out).

 

The problem is that he doesn't seem to know how to turn me on. We have discussed what are turn ons and what are turn offs. I've tried to guide him on what to do and how to do it, but he is either too rushed, or to gentle, or too hard, or too _________ (fill in the blank). He tries really hard but he just can't seem to read me or my reactions very well to know what to do, when, and how. This frustrates me since I don't want to have to continually provide instructions every moment as that takes away from my experience.

 

I find myself actually dreading his sexual advances now because I know that it will not be an enjoyable experience for me. I continue to accept his sexual advances because I want him to have his needs satisfied, but I want that same satisfaction for myself.

 

We've tried other things to try to rekindle the intimacy in our relationship, including getting away on romantic vacations, date nights, sex toys, and other things. None of these really seem to be working, however.

 

Like many women, as I have gotten older, I have become more sexually needy and I am now realizing how important sexual compatibility is to a marriage. Clearly, myself and my husband aren't sexually compatible, despite being right for each other in every other way. And I now feel like I have a tough choice to make:

 

1. To stay in this marriage and simply accept that the price to pay for his everlasting companionship is my sexual gratification,

 

OR

 

2. To end the marriage and find someone who can satisfy my sexual needs, while acknowledging that I may not find the same level of compatibility in other areas of my life with a new person as what I currently have with my husband.

 

I am torn and need some input to help me sort through this dilemma. What would you do?

 

Since I am major horndog at 28, I would have NEVER accepted my fiance's proposal if he wasn't a stallion. Sex is just too important to me and if I plan on spending my existence with a man, the sex has to be wonderful. Life is too short for bad cock.

 

I have had relationships in the past, where I wasn't physically attracted to the man. Consequently, the sex was bad or non existent. All the compatibility in the world meant nothing, if I didn't ever want to be intimate.

 

If I am already like this at 28, I will need to be locked away when I hit the mid thirties peak. My man will have me committed, for making his dick sore with constant riding.

 

I understand what others are saying, about throwing away a good relationship. I can only tell you what my view is. You will need to decide if sex is worth sacrificing, mama.

 

Consider this: If you could go without enjoying lovemaking, you would not be posting about this issue. Keep that in mind.

[LittleTiger]

You haven't fully recovered from PTSD and there may have been another recent trigger.

 

I think you might be confusing the OP with me - I don't think she said she had PTSD?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think you might be confusing the OP with me - I don't think she said she had PTSD?

 

Maybe, Maybe not.

 

I read through all of her posts and there is just something that doesn't add up. It's like there is a missing puzzle piece. Don't you feel it too?

[LittleTiger]

Maybe, Maybe not.

 

I read through all of her posts and there is just something that doesn't add up. It's like there is a missing puzzle piece. Don't you feel it too?

 

My comment about confusing me with the OP was actually to midlife2011 and was just in relation to the PTSD. I didn't want anyone bringing that into play when it's not relevant in her case.

 

The rest of midlife's post, however, and yours, I do agree with.

 

In my first response to the OP I mentioned that I didn't think it was really about sex. Her perception of her sex life has changed because something else in the relationship has changed. Although my marital break up wasn't really about sex (which I posted earlier) I do see similarities here. Sex with my ex may not have been perfect but, along with everything else about the relationship, it was good enough that I chose to marry him. It was only when the relationship began to break down that our sex life became 'not good enough'.

 

I sense the same thing is going on here.

 

Either that or the OP has her eye on someone else?

[Darth Vader]

Since I am major horndog at 28, I would have NEVER accepted my fiance's proposal if he wasn't a stallion. Sex is just too important to me and if I plan on spending my existence with a man, the sex has to be wonderful. Life is too short for bad cock.

 

I have had relationships in the past, where I wasn't physically attracted to the man. Consequently, the sex was bad or non existent. All the compatibility in the world meant nothing, if I didn't ever want to be intimate.

 

If I am already like this at 28, I will need to be locked away when I hit the mid thirties peak. My man will have me committed, for making his dick sore with constant riding.

 

I understand what others are saying, about throwing away a good relationship. I can only tell you what my view is. You will need to decide if sex is worth sacrificing, mama.

 

Consider this: If you could go without enjoying lovemaking, you would not be posting about this issue. Keep that in mind.

 

 

Dang! Sounds like you could Ride him all night loong!:bunny:

[Untouchable_Fire]

My comment about confusing me with the OP was actually to midlife2011 and was just in relation to the PTSD. I didn't want anyone bringing that into play when it's not relevant in her case.

The rest of midlife's post, however, and yours, I do agree with.

In my first response to the OP I mentioned that I didn't think it was really about sex. Her perception of her sex life has changed because something else in the relationship has changed. Although my marital break up wasn't really about sex (which I posted earlier) I do see similarities here. Sex with my ex may not have been perfect but, along with everything else about the relationship, it was good enough that I chose to marry him. It was only when the relationship began to break down that our sex life became 'not good enough'.

I sense the same thing is going on here.

Either that or the OP has her eye on someone else?

 

Well... she is attending therapy for something and it may potentially be some form of PTSD... whether from the recent loss of a loved one to childhood issues. I really don't know unless she decides to say. I do get why you don't want your situation mixed up with hers as it may cause unnecessary confusion later.

 

Im not sure she will come back to post again. I don't think this thread is turning out the way she intended.

 

I see the similarities between your two situations, however the way you talk about your xH and your relationship fits.

 

I can't really explain it... but when a woman talks about her guy I can usually get a sense of how she feels about him.

[LittleTiger]

Im not sure she will come back to post again. I don't think this thread is turning out the way she intended.

 

I see the similarities between your two situations, however the way you talk about your xH and your relationship fits.

 

I can't really explain it... but when a woman talks about her guy I can usually get a sense of how she feels about him.

 

Yes, I do agree with you UF.

 

That's partly why I made the comment about having her eye on someone else. Something doesn't quite add up and I was sort of hoping she might reappear to defend herself and give us a bit more info.

 

Doesn't look like we'll ever know.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Im not sure she will come back to post again. I don't think this thread is turning out the way she intended.

 

When they don't get the support they expect.... Actually a # did support her, but the mounting criticism or comments that she may have unresolved issues she is repressing certainly has scared her off.....

[LittleTiger]

I feel it also and my suspicions of her and her sights on someone else have never wavered. She may not come back because some of us know what her game is.

 

I don't think anybody knows what her game is, or even that she has a game, just that there are some pieces missing from her story - could be just about anything.

[OliveOyl]

The way I see it. The OP is lacking in sexual chemistry with her husband. My personal belief is that the chemistry is either there, or it's not. It's not about technique. It's not about the ability to reach orgasm. It's just something that can't be easily explained or taught. And since it was lacking from the beginning, chances are, it will never develop.

 

I can relate. I lacked sexual chemistry with my STBX from the very beginning. The confusing thing was, my STBX was and still is good-looking, and I was "attracted"... but not sexually. The sex was mediocre. Everything else (at first) was very good or great, and I assumed that good sex really wasn't that important, or that it would improve over time. It didn't. What I didn't understand was how important sex is for creating bonds in a relationship when other things get tough.

 

As has been pointed out in this thread, you can confide in your close friends. You can talk to a therapist. You can share hobbies with friends. However, your spouse is the only one you will (ideally) be having sex with. There should be a certain basic level of sexual chemistry. Otherwise, the marriage will devolve into a "roommate" situation and your husband will become your at best, your "friend/brother" instead of a lover.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I can relate. I lacked sexual chemistry with my STBX from the very beginning. The confusing thing was, my STBX was and still is good-looking, and I was "attracted"... but not sexually. The sex was mediocre. Everything else (at first) was very good or great, and I assumed that good sex really wasn't that important, or that it would improve over time. It didn't. What I didn't understand was how important sex is for creating bonds in a relationship when other things get tough.

 

Please explain what "Sexual Chemistry" is and where it comes from.

 

I ask you this because sexual chemistry can easily be created. I know because I do it all the time... and so do many other guys.

 

If you don't know what it is or where it comes from... your saying "it's either there or it isn't" is basically equivalent to telling me the world is flat.

[xxoo]

Please explain what "Sexual Chemistry" is and where it comes from.

 

Sexual chemistry is real. We all excrete chemicals in our sweat that others percieve as "attractive" or "unattractive". The purpose is to assure diverse genetics and strong babies.

 

I don't know if the OP is/was on hormonal birth control, but apparently that can affect a woman's perception of these chemicals when choosing a mate, making her more likely to be unattracted if/when she goes off hormonal birth control http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claus_Wedekind

[florence of suburbia]

It is difficult for a man to understand how a woman can be attracted, yet not sexually attracted, to man. In general, if men aren't attracted they just don't pursue the woman. If she doesn't give him a hard-on, it isn't going to work. That is simply not the case for a lot of women. Some of us can get excited about a guy, especially at first, despite not feeling horny for him at all.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Sexual chemistry is real. We all excrete chemicals in our sweat that others percieve as "attractive" or "unattractive". The purpose is to assure diverse genetics and strong babies.

I don't know if the OP is/was on hormonal birth control, but apparently that can affect a woman's perception of these chemicals when choosing a mate, making her more likely to be unattracted if/when she goes off hormonal birth control http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claus_Wedekind

 

So your answer is to say that Sexual Chemistry is controlled by some kind of genetic fate?

 

I will agree that there is a biological component to it, with pheromones being the leading attractive factor. A simple google search is going to provide you an answer on this one. Most of us learn as we grow older through basic trail and error. I'm surprised your so far behind on this.

 

I guess the bottom line is that you don't understand what makes you attracted to a guy and what doesn't. I think that's kind of sad for everyone involved.

 

It is difficult for a man to understand how a woman can be attracted, yet not sexually attracted, to man. In general, if men aren't attracted they just don't pursue the woman. If she doesn't give him a hard-on, it isn't going to work. That is simply not the case for a lot of women. Some of us can get excited about a guy, especially at first, despite not feeling horny for him at all.

 

No... I can understand that well enough myself. Think about it... some guys can get a hard on for sheep. I don't think they actually find the sheep all that attractive.

 

What I can't really understand is why you would marry someone your not really in love with...? That sounds terrible to me... lieing and leading someone on... wasting their life. It's a really horrible thing.

[LittleTiger]

So your answer is to say that Sexual Chemistry is controlled by some kind of genetic fate?

 

It is!

 

Most of us learn as we grow older through basic trail and error. I'm surprised your so far behind on this.

 

I guess the bottom line is that you don't understand what makes you attracted to a guy and what doesn't. I think that's kind of sad for everyone involved.

 

xxoo isn't far behind on anything - she is happily married and has an enviable sex life. You would be wise to listen to what she says.

[xxoo]

I will agree that there is a biological component to it, with pheromones being the leading attractive factor. A simple google search is going to provide you an answer on this one. Most of us learn as we grow older through basic trail and error. I'm surprised your so far behind on this.

 

I guess the bottom line is that you don't understand what makes you attracted to a guy and what doesn't. I think that's kind of sad for everyone involved.

 

I was speaking only to the biological component, because that is what you asked.

 

Of course there is more to sustained attraction than that. Never said otherwise.

[RockAndAHardPlace]

Wow... what's with the vitriol on the board? The accusatory tone and assumptions about my life aren't welcome. Feel free to ask me questions on things that are relevant to the discussion, but there is no need to jump to conclusions and go on the attack here. I haven't been on this board long, but this certainly isn't the sort of atmosphere that's going to encourage people to participate in discussions, especially newcomers.

 

 

Firstly, I can't even believe I need to defend myself on this forum but I want to make clear is that I am not cheating on my husband, nor do I "have my eye on" someone else. In discussing some of my relationship issues with my therapist, she was the one who brought up options like an open marriage, swinging, etc., as potential things to think about. We also actually have a couple of friends who are in open marriages and it seems to be sustainable for them, so if nothing else it's something that was worth asking and discussing, especially since we have been trying to deal with the issue of sexual chemistry in our marriage on and off for a while now. I think after this much time spent on trying to arrive at answers, it's worthwhile to consider the various options that are available, including arrangements that may not be conventional in traditional heterosexual definitions of marriage.

 

 

To respond to the assertion that I shouldn't have married someone to whom I wasn't attracted, I in fact married someone to whom I was very attracted, but not necessarily sexually. I actually do find him objectively physically attractive, but I think that's a different thing from being sexually compatible or sexually attracted to someone.

 

When I first met him, I really did not care much about sex. I always placed far more importance on things like intelligence, sense of humor, moral values, etc. His goofiness and clumsiness was endearing to me, and still is in many instances, but it's something that I was hoping could be toned down in bed with some coaching (which hasn't been all that successful). Plus, we actually have great chemistry on an intellectual and emotional level -- even after only a month together, we didn't have to say much to each other in order to know what we were thinking or feeling. This is partly why I find it so puzzling as to why we can't seem to get things together in the sex department.

 

And though it may have sounded like I was blaming my husband for our issues, that is not the case. I am providing my perspective on what I think is happening. My husband has his ideas, I'm sure, but I'm not speaking for him so what you're hearing is by default a one-sided argument (as most posts on this forum are, since you are generally only hearing opinions from one person of a couple). I have not put any blame on my husband, nor he on me -- as you will note in my previous posts, we have been communicating and trying to work through this together.

 

I believe someone asked about the therapy I am participating in without my husband. I suffered a bout of mild depression a few years ago and I feel that it has resurfaced. It has primarily impacted my work of late (I'm unable to focus and I'm experiencing writer's block) and so I am trying to deal with it.

 

I don't recall what else was brought up in the 4 or so pages of posts that appeared over the past few days, and I don't feel the need to defend myself anymore, except to say that to women, things are rarely ever just black and white. Women perceive multiple shades of grey (and for some of us, even a rainbow of colours) in everything, including in sex and issues relating to sex. It is interesting to see that many of the women on the forum have been more understanding of my situation than the men. There is no simple "on/off" switch for women, but more like many "if/then/else" gates that have to all be satisfied in order for an expected outcome to occur.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There will always be people saying you are having or thinking about an affair.... It is the first defensive mechanism. So filter them out.

 

You still have not said whether you have children, which is a huge part of the puzzle.

 

You also have brought up the again all too usual refrain we've seen where a woman says she was not too interested about sex when they met and all the other things were important to her. Let me tell you there are two things that can sting a man more then anything:

 

1. Not successful enough

2. You suck in bed

 

So the questions remain, has he been given books to read to try and improve? Have you read it with him and try and figure it out? Have you thought about couple's sex therapy?

 

And what therapist (Taramaiden excluded;)) recommends swinging and open marriage when you are discussing depression and other issues without inviting the spouse in??? I guess I won't recommend therapy for my wife, regardless of what issues I think she may have......

 

Tell you what..... Forget swinging or an open marriage.... He should see a sex surrogate to teach him what to do..... Here I am 100% serious if you state correctly he is that bad and clumsy....

Edited September 13, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't recall what else was brought up in the 4 or so pages of posts that appeared over the past few days, and I don't feel the need to defend myself anymore, except to say that to women, things are rarely ever just black and white. Women perceive multiple shades of grey (and for some of us, even a rainbow of colours) in everything, including in sex and issues relating to sex. It is interesting to see that many of the women on the forum have been more understanding of my situation than the men. There is no simple "on/off" switch for women, but more like many "if/then/else" gates that have to all be satisfied in order for an expected outcome to occur.

 

So... your husband is lacking that certain cool factor and your looking for more of a James Dean type?

 

Thats kind of what I'm hearing.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It is!

xxoo isn't far behind on anything - she is happily married and has an enviable sex life. You would be wise to listen to what she says.

 

It isn't, and the fact that you think it is would be laughable if it were not so sad.

 

I will take your word for it that her sexlife is fantastic... but I can't say for certain because I'm not really party to it. Maybe a great sex life for her is mediocre to me.

 

I was speaking only to the biological component, because that is what you asked.

Of course there is more to sustained attraction than that. Never said otherwise.

 

I asked where does it come from.... what creates it. It is NOT all genetic. You just agreed with me on this.

 

So... what do you do to sustain it?

[Untouchable_Fire]

To respond to the assertion that I shouldn't have married someone to whom I wasn't attracted, I in fact married someone to whom I was very attracted, but not necessarily sexually. I actually do find him objectively physically attractive, but I think that's a different thing from being sexually compatible or sexually attracted to someone.

 

One last thought in your thread.

 

Maybe just some complete honesty would solve the issue? If you sat down and told him exactly what the problem is... he may be willing to just amiably divorce.

 

I mean you might not have sexual chemistry with him... but that doesnt mean nobody else will. He may want to find someone with whom he can have the whole enchilada... just like you!

[xxoo]

I asked where does it come from.... what creates it. It is NOT all genetic. You just agreed with me on this.

 

So... what do you do to sustain it?

 

It is sustained through behaviors--but that isn't sexual chemistry. That is sexual psychology.

 

The point is, if the chemistry is "off", no amt of behaviors can create sexual attraction. Only the OP can tell if that is the case with her and her husband.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It is sustained through behaviors--but that isn't sexual chemistry. That is sexual psychology.

 

The point is, if the chemistry is "off", no amt of behaviors can create sexual attraction. Only the OP can tell if that is the case with her and her husband.

 

 

to think a couple married (and for 10 years if I remember the op correctly) where one was living a lie (i.e. one thrilled at the sexual chemistry and the other not caring and deciding 10 years on there is none)..... And very scary too....

[giotto]

funny, lovely, smart guy, goofy, intellectually attractive, but sh*t in bed... shame it didn't work out for you. Just accept it and live with it or leave him. He will never change, because this is the way he is and it would be wrong to change him at this stage. You want a perfect man and they don't exist (apart from me, obviously... )...

[RockAndAHardPlace]

There will always be people saying you are having or thinking about an affair.... It is the first defensive mechanism. So filter them out.

 

You still have not said whether you have children, which is a huge part of the puzzle.

 

You also have brought up the again all too usual refrain we've seen where a woman says she was not too interested about sex when they met and all the other things were important to her. Let me tell you there are two things that can sting a man more then anything:

 

1. Not successful enough

2. You suck in bed

 

So the questions remain, has he been given books to read to try and improve? Have you read it with him and try and figure it out? Have you thought about couple's sex therapy?

 

And what therapist (Taramaiden excluded;)) recommends swinging and open marriage when you are discussing depression and other issues without inviting the spouse in??? I guess I won't recommend therapy for my wife, regardless of what issues I think she may have......

 

Tell you what..... Forget swinging or an open marriage.... He should see a sex surrogate to teach him what to do..... Here I am 100% serious if you state correctly he is that bad and clumsy....

 

Thanks, TDP. To answer your questions, no, we do not have children; yes, we have read some resource materials together about techniques, we have shared erotica, we have made lists of likes and dislikes, we have plenty of toys, we have done the "touch me here" and "like this" tutorials; we are currently looking for a sex therapist (these are super busy folks -- appointments are hard to get!).

 

A sex surrogate -- what an unusual job that must be. Anyway, certainly something for consideration if it will help.