Why can't I shake this feeling...he seems way too secretive :(

[nester]

So I'm new to this site, and I need some advice. I can't seem to shake the feeling that my bf is cheating...emotionally, and/or physically I'm not sure.

 

I guess you guys need details lol. We've been dating for almost 1 1/2 yrs now, met online lol...and moved in together after about 5 months. I have never been happier and I love him with all my heart. I don't think I do or have done anything to make him want to stray, but who knows I guess

 

I have found "evidence" on more than one occassion that he could possibly have commitment issues. Like when we first moved in together I went into his e-mail...and no it wasn't to be nosey he gave me his password for a document he had that I needed...anyways I found an e-mail from this "fling.com" website, and when I saw it I logged into his profile...it is a site for one night stands or whatever...he had a picture on his profile that was VERY innappropriate...I called him asap and confronted him, and he said it was an old profile...but the background of the picture was of our new place we had just moved into...which I happily rubbed in his face. ANyways that was the first incident, and had occured about 6months into our relationship.

 

Secondly...now I don't want to be that chick who "spies" on her bf...but after finding that first e-mail I got a little nervous. So I checked his e-mail again quite a while afterwards...and he had sent an e-mail to a friend that suggested "swinging" WHich I am not about to judge people for what they do, I have many friends who swing...but it's just not for me and he KNEW that I was totally monogamous and not interested at all....but the e-mail seemed sneaky like he said he has to ease me into that sort of thing, and he even told the girl(who we still hang out with so it's VERY awkward) that he thought it would be fun for him and me to "f*ck her silly" I was outraged and confronted him a few days after finding the e-mail. I had given him several chances to come clean by asking him if he had anything to talk about....and he kept denying it. Needless to say I forgave him again...

 

Thirdly...so ya you guys can prolly guess I checked his e-mail again. I must urge the fact that I have NEVER been like this before....and I feel like he brings out this massive feeling of jealousy that I normally would never have. ANyways I know it's wrong of me to check, but honestly every time I have, I've gotten a bad feeling, which made me want to check his e-mail. All three times I had checked his e-mail I would see random e-mails to girls wanting to catch up or go for a drink. This last time was about a month ago and I found one to a girl he had talked to a few times (almost talking to each other like they had a "past" together.) He had started out by telling her sorry about last time, but something came up so don't be mad. He asked her to meet up and she said ya some much needed us time would be fun. He responded with ohhh I could think of fun things to do with you wink wink. She responded with don't you have a gf hahaha? I never knew what ever came of the convo because I asked him about it right away. His response to the whole thing was he made up a fake e-mail to a random cuz he knew someone was checking his e-mails and he wanted to catch them...I foolishly believed him...after thinking about his excuse a bit more I started thinking. If he was trying to catch me snooping...why would he delete the whole convo with this chick within like 2 days....wouldn't he keep it up longer to ensure that I would see it? Secondly he said he just randomly picked a girl to send a msg to, and I got to thinking....why did the msg start with, hey sorry about last time...if he hadn't talked to her prior to that? I even asked him about those things and he didn't really deny or admit to anything, I said I didnt believe him and he said I understand.

 

In the last few months our sex has decreased quite a bit...even just cuddling in bed at night. He seems distant. And I know there are other factors besides cheating that make a guy not want to have sex...but when we first started dating he seemed so attracted to me, and now I don't feel that same affection...when we try to talk about it, all he says is it is the stresses in his life....and he doesn't want to talk about fixing the issue, just says he'll get over it. I am a very sexual woman, and feel that sex is a very important part in a relationship, it adds affection and that closeness...to me sex is not just a physical attraction. I feel like I am doing something wrong to make him act this way...

 

I'm sorry about the novel but I'm just trying to give as much info as possible to get the best advice from you guys.

[torranceshipman]

I kind of feel like you have caught him in the act multiple times already, but you end up pushing it to the side and pretending it didn't happen. I mean the kind of guy who will go into detail with your mutual friends about having a 3some with you, sending suggestive photos, webchats, emails, etc, to countless other girls...its really wrong. It was terrible that he registered on a ONS site when you guys had just moved in together!! I'd have walked right then, but I appreciate you love him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I am not surprised you are feeling bad, jealous, etc - he is being really shifty and disrespectful. Plus you two aren't having sex. This is all bad news. I think you need to leave the guy...you've seen him cheat - a lot - via emails, etc, and his behavior seems consistent over a long period of time, so what other evidence do you really need?

[nester]

I kind of feel like you have caught him in the act multiple times already, but you end up pushing it to the side and pretending it didn't happen. I mean the kind of guy who will go into detail with your mutual friends about having a 3some with you, sending suggestive photos, webchats, emails, etc, to countless other girls...its really wrong. It was terrible that he registered on a ONS site when you guys had just moved in together!! I'd have walked right then, but I appreciate you love him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I am not surprised you are feeling bad, jealous, etc - he is being really shifty and disrespectful. Plus you two aren't having sex. This is all bad news. I think you need to leave the guy...you've seen him cheat - a lot - via emails, etc, and his behavior seems consistent over a long period of time, so what other evidence do you really need?

 

 

Yikes, that was brutally honest, I like it lol. I really don't know. The way you worded everything...I don't know why I haven't left already. When I found the last e-mail to that girl, I had it set in my mind that I was leaving him....but when he "explained" himselve I believed him. I think I may be a push over... :S He told me he is going to change, and not do anything to piss me off anymore. And again...I believe him. He either is a VERY good liar and everything he has ever told me is false....or I am paraniod and taking things out of context. So I guess to answer your last question...I don't want to f*ck up...and I may be a little bit of a puss because I had to break up with my bf of almost 6 years before I met my new bf....and I don't like the feeling of heartbreak. A cop out I know.

[2sunny]

kick him out. he's had no consequences so far - so why should he stop being with gals behind your back?

 

you aren't addressing reality. he doesn't deserve you. tell him that.

 

find a man that knows how to treat you right.

[nester]

kick him out. he's had no consequences so far - so why should he stop being with gals behind your back?

 

you aren't addressing reality. he doesn't deserve you. tell him that.

 

find a man that knows how to treat you right.

 

It sucks...because I truly thought I had already found someone like that. And like other than all of this....he has been so great to me. I don't know why someone would seem so perfect for me, and yet do the things he does. So even though he said he wouldn't do anything like this again, you guys think he is just lying about that too?

[2sunny]

It sucks...because I truly thought I had already found someone like that. And like other than all of this....he has been so great to me. I don't know why someone would seem so perfect for me, and yet do the things he does. So even though he said he wouldn't do anything like this again, you guys think he is just lying about that too?

 

his actions tell you everything you need to know. trust is earned - he hasn't earned it, in fact, he continues to disrespect you... and YOU put up with it time and time again.

 

when there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing.

 

his secretive nature tipped you off - there's always a reason for it - because you aren't supposed to find out.

 

you found out and did NOTHING about it. that allows him to understand he ok to do it some more.

 

it seems doomed since he's never had consequences and DONE things to earn your trust back - quite the contrary - hence my suggestion.

 

he won't change... accept a life like this with him or leave... those are your choices.

[nester]

his actions tell you everything you need to know. trust is earned - he hasn't earned it, in fact, he continues to disrespect you... and YOU put up with it time and time again.

 

when there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing.

 

his secretive nature tipped you off - there's always a reason for it - because you aren't supposed to find out.

 

you found out and did NOTHING about it. that allows him to understand he ok to do it some more.

 

it seems doomed since he's never had consequences and DONE things to earn your trust back - quite the contrary - hence my suggestion.

 

he won't change... accept a life like this with him or leave... those are your choices.

 

you are totally blunt eh? there is tons of intelligence behind your bluntness...so I really respect that.

 

You are right about everything...who are you?!?!! Lol. In all seriousness though...I am going to use some of your knowledgable thoughts with him when I talk to him next. I have had feelings like that, him not earning my trust, but I only went as far as that...maybe out of pity for myself. I never followed through and thought...he is doing the eXAcT opposite of what a man that is truly commited is supposed to do. Try to make right what he has done wrong...I guess I just needed someone to kick me in the *ss and make me realize what he has really done. And that it should be unacceptable of him to treat me like this...this is a quite a bittersweet revelation. "When there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing." Thanks man! (or lady lol)

[confusedlatina]

It seems as though you and I are living the same life. Dating the same kind of guy. I got the bad feeling and snooped too but you found evidence! You found things, that you have pointed out, are inappropriate. 2sunny is right, there shouldn't be anything hidden if nothing is going on. Do you hide anything from him? In my situation, I do not hide anything and it bothers me that he does. I confronted him about his secretive behavior, he got angry and packed his stuff and left. Ask yourself this: If he has not yet changed his behavior for the sake of your relationship, will he ever? Is this something that you can live with? You found the proof that I was looking for. Its in front of your face. Live with it or leave him and get a man that you can trust.

[kiss_andmakeup]

You are teaching him that it's okay to treat you this way. You realize that, don't you?

 

He has had three lessons in what his girlfriend will put up with. 1: I can get away with having a current hook-up site profile. 2: I can get away with talking dirty with female friends ABOUT my girlfriend. 3: I can get away with trying to set up dates and meet-ups with other women.

 

My guess is that, eventually, you will find out that he has actually cheated, and you will let him get away with that too.

 

The only way to end this cycle is to give him his final lesson. 4: Being a sneaky, sleazy douche caused me to lose someone I really care about.

[Livelovelearn]

Honey, take it from me, I have been where you are. In the first year of our relationship i found inappropriate pics of girls body parts which wasnt porn, on his ipod touch and he said it was "old". So i forgave him. Then he give me his fb password and i seen messages of him telling girls to come over and he claimed it was when we first started dating and didnt have sex yet. Then later i find him on onlinebootycall, fling, with fake profiles and lastly Plenty of fish. He was using a real profile on POF and i knew he was looking for something. All those previous times i ignored it, even though i knew it wasnt right. I taught him how to treat me like **** by allowing these things to pass by me. Now look at me. Our 3 year relationship is over. Couple months go he got distant and we didnt have sex like we used to and guess what? he found someone on POF and was having an affair. He is cheating honey, dont be stupid! Get out of this relationship leave before he leaves you for someone else trust me you'll thank us for this. If you feel you have to do these things and you feel insecure this man is not for you, i learned now that im dating there are so much good men out there, you just got to take a chance and be open minded. So leave this a$$h***. he is bad news! Save yourself from the hurt because like you, i ignored all the signs as well and i was left by him for the other girl. It stung me but im better now.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Livelovelearn

[2sunny]

you are totally blunt eh? there is tons of intelligence behind your bluntness...so I really respect that.

 

You are right about everything...who are you?!?!! Lol. In all seriousness though...I am going to use some of your knowledgable thoughts with him when I talk to him next. I have had feelings like that, him not earning my trust, but I only went as far as that...maybe out of pity for myself. I never followed through and thought...he is doing the eXAcT opposite of what a man that is truly commited is supposed to do. Try to make right what he has done wrong...I guess I just needed someone to kick me in the *ss and make me realize what he has really done. And that it should be unacceptable of him to treat me like this...this is a quite a bittersweet revelation. "When there is nothing to hide - people hide nothing." Thanks man! (or lady lol)

 

specifically:

him not earning my trust, but I only went as far as that...maybe out of pity for myself.

 

how is this useful to you being healthy?

 

time to ask why you pity yourself... and how that is productive to choices you make for yourself?

 

now, what are you planning to do about all this?

 

And that it should be unacceptable of him to treat me like this

 

damn straight it's unacceptable - so why are you so accepting of it?

 

 

you have a chance to change this for yourself. what's that going to look like for YOU?

[freestyle]

Nester--please keep reading and posting here.You can learn a lot.

 

What your bf is doing is standard cheating behavior, following the wayward "script"........making excuses, denying, lying. Next will come the gaslighting.

 

If you're not familiar with the term already--it means he'll mess with your head intentionally, so he can keep doing what he's doing.For example, when you confront him , and he respond like this:

 

"You're just paranoid......'

"You're making a mountain out of a molehill........"

"She's just a friend,,what, you don't want me to have any friends?"

"You're imagination is working overtime....it's all in your head."

 

 

Effectively, by responding like that--notice how he shifts the focus on to YOU, and away from himself? Eventually, after hearing that repeatedly, a person will start to second-guess themself, and start to doubt their own perceptions..........And in the meantime, the wayward partner is dodging accountability.It's nothing more than a manipulation.

 

Listen to your own gut, Nester, it's telling you something.

[Kelly0900]

Nester--please keep reading and posting here.You can learn a lot.

 

What your bf is doing is standard cheating behavior, following the wayward "script"........making excuses, denying, lying. Next will come the gaslighting.

 

If you're not familiar with the term already--it means he'll mess with your head intentionally, so he can keep doing what he's doing.For example, when you confront him , and he respond like this:

 

"You're just paranoid......'

"You're making a mountain out of a molehill........"

"She's just a friend,,what, you don't want me to have any friends?"

"You're imagination is working overtime....it's all in your head."

 

 

Effectively, by responding like that--notice how he shifts the focus on to YOU, and away from himself? Eventually, after hearing that repeatedly, a person will start to second-guess themself, and start to doubt their own perceptions..........And in the meantime, the wayward partner is dodging accountability.It's nothing more than a manipulation.

 

Listen to your own gut, Nester, it's telling you something.

 

I wouldn't put up with it any more if I were you, tell him straight - No more forgiving .. If he's going to act this way with his "JUST FRIENDS" then he can't have those "JUST FRIENDS" or the relationship will be hard, possibly not work.

Tell him something along the lines of that.

 

Sure, they are just friends, but he isn't talking to them like friends is he?

[nester]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I talked to him Tues morning.

 

I told him how I felt about everything, how I wished he would cuddle more and be more affectionate, and how I felt like we were falling apart, and everything felt so forced, and I didn't think that we could fix all of the fudged up stuff going on with both of us. That when I thought about where we are now compared to when we first met, it was heartbreaking to know we were growing apart, and weren't the same at all.

 

There were a few major factors I left out of the original post I made because it was already super long lol. He has a massive amount of stress on him because of a situation with him and myself and is family. lets just say he hasn't spoken with him mom or sister since February. And they absolutely HATE me for reasons unknown (jealousy maybe) And it weighs on him a ton to not have a mother figure to look up to...she makes him feel like **** and like everything is his fault. ANd of course a gf is supposed to love her bfs mother, but I can't stand her, anyone who makes my bf feel that bad about himself doesn't deserve my respect...and that bugs him that we can't get along.

 

ANother thing is I have a major issue of my own that I hid from him until about a yr into our relationship. I never really knew until our talk on Tuesday how much my issue weighs on him. I really saw the heartache in his eyes when he talked about how much he loves me and how he couldn't stand thinking about something horrible happening to me. And how he can't help but think like that every day, and it stresses him out. I also found out why he has been less sexual with me...he isn't as attracted to me as when we first met. Which is my fault. I'm sorry I guess I should just come clean about "my issue" so things make more sense...NObody but him knows about this and now I'm about to tell a bunch of strangers lol... but ya I have struggled with anorexia for 3-4 yrs...plz don't judge that was actually pretty difficult for me to share with you guys.

 

Anyways so ya that whole thing....he was holding in all these pent up feelings, and he worries about me getting sick on a daily basis. SO I guess I totally understand why he would be so stressed and uninterested in me sexually. I feel like I wasted your guys' time by not telling you all the details...cuz opinions may be are a little different now.

 

I know alot of you told me to just leave...and trust me I totally told him that straight up, that it wasn't going to work, and that he needed to stop being so secretive and just TALK to me about things. Then he literally came clean about everything that was bothering him....and when I really thought about it and put everything together...I think I was pushing him away. And I honestly don't actually know if he really cheated on me or not. we talked about all of that too, and he says he never did anything further than the e-mails. And another thing like after I talked to him about all of this a few weeks ago he said he was really going to try to change...and I felt like he was trying, but not very hard....but know that I know how much my issue hurts him, I don't think I can blame him for not trying harder.

 

I dunno now...this just turned into a big soap opera it feels like. Now I just feel like I should save him the trouble...and leave, like I never had the right in the first place to weigh him down with me. I should have never have put my issues on him and just expect him to deal with them like nothing is wrong.

[2sunny]

I know alot of you told me to just leave...and trust me I totally told him that straight up, that it wasn't going to work, and that he needed to stop being so secretive and just TALK to me about things. Then he literally came clean about everything that was bothering him....and when I really thought about it and put everything together...I think I was pushing him away. And I honestly don't actually know if he really cheated on me or not. we talked about all of that too, and he says he never did anything further than the e-mails. And another thing like after I talked to him about all of this a few weeks ago he said he was really going to try to change...and I felt like he was trying, but not very hard....but know that I know how much my issue hurts him, I don't think I can blame him for not trying harder.

 

I dunno now...this just turned into a big soap opera it feels like. Now I just feel like I should save him the trouble...and leave, like I never had the right in the first place to weigh him down with me. I should have never have put my issues on him and just expect him to deal with them like nothing is wrong.

 

ok, so does this mean that nothing happened and everything moves forward as if everything is great? if so, ok - best wishes to both of you!

[Woman In Blue]

 

He told me he is going to change, and not do anything to piss me off anymore. And again...I believe him. He either is a VERY good liar and everything he has ever told me is false....or I am paraniod and taking things out of context.

Oh hun, all that means is that he's going to put more effort into being sneaky so you can't find it as easily. Obviously, you've caught him again and again because he was stupid (and desperate) enough to use his email to try to hook up with girls. It's time for him to create a new email you don't know about (which he's probably already done) and go deeper underground.

 

He's going to miraculously "change," and all for YOU, is he?

 

Why would you believe someone whose consistently LIED to you over and over and over?

[2sunny]

Oh hun, all that means is that he's going to put more effort into being sneaky so you can't find it as easily. Obviously, you've caught him again and again because he was stupid (and desperate) enough to use his email to try to hook up with girls. It's time for him to create a new email you don't know about (which he's probably already done) and go deeper underground.

 

He's going to miraculously "change," and all for YOU, is he?

 

Why would you believe someone whose consistently LIED to you over and over and over?

 

because that is what she chooses to believe. whether she does or doesn't believe it - it still doesn't change the evidence of what is in front of her.

 

she can choose to believe it - it still doesn't change the reality of what she chooses not to see - or DO anything about to change it all.