Being Adopted

[The Collector]

I'm adopted. The following are quotes from Nancy Verrier, who has written extensively on the subject and expresses many things better than I could. My only wish with this thread is that it might help foster more understanding on the issue.

 

******

 

Position Statement

Ever since adoption has come out of the closet, many articles have been written and speeches given in an attempt to find a way around the pain. The advice and opinions vary: Tell your children about adoption early, don't tell, abolish adoption in favor of guardianships, etc. Although some of these ideas may have merit, none addresses the real issue: Every child who is separated from his or her biological mother will experience abandonment and loss. The key word here is "experience," because many people would like to believe that relinquishment and adoption are simply concepts, and that the very real pain that results can be overcome by intellectual understanding or legislative amendment.

There exists a great need for legislative action and concern for the rights of adoptees. But few dare give voice to that which they know in their hearts: that the connection between biological mother and child is primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting. Far more than merely biological and historical, this primal connection is also cellular, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. So deep runs the connection between a child and its mother that the severing of that bond results in a profound wound for both, a wound from which neither fully recovers. In the case of adoption, the wound cannot be avoided, but it can and must be acknowledged and understood.

A child separated from its mother at the beginning of life, when still in the primal relationship to her, experiences what I call the primal wound. This wound, occurring before the child has begun to separate his own identity from that of the mother, is experienced not only as a loss of the mother, but as a loss of the Self, that core-being of oneself which is the center of goodness and wholeness. The child may be left with a sense that part of oneself has disappeared, a feeling of incompleteness, a lack of wholeness. In addition to the genealogical sense of being cut off from one's roots, this incompleteness is often experienced in a physical sense of bodily incompleteness, a hurt from something missing.

Any injury to the basic goodness of Self interferes with healthy, phase-adequate ego development, resulting in premature ego development and a reluctance to trust others to "be there." Recent studies in brain development tell us that one's environment and one's perceptions of the environment influence the way in which the neurons of the brain connect. There will be a difference between the environment of security and safety of being with the mother with whom an infant was prenatally bonded, and the anxiety and uncertainty of being with biological strangers (who may also leave at any time). The trauma of being separated from the mother, therefore, results in patterns of behavior, emotional responses, and the sense of Self and others, which will be different from that which would have occurred had there been no trauma.

Separation trauma often manifests in one of two diametrically opposed behavioral patterns: aggressive, provocative, and anti-social; or withdrawn, acquiescent, and compliant. In both cases, the child is wounded, but each responds to the pain and anxiety in a different way. Each holds the same wish for love and acceptance, and each carries the same fears of rejection and abandonment. In neither case is the child operating from her true Self, but from a false self, which she believes helps protect her from further hurt, rejection, and disappointment. Add to that the fact that she doesn't see herself reflected anywhere in the family, and one can begin to understand the need she has to constantly try to figure out how to be in this family.

One of the greatest hindrances to healing is denial. Yet denial prevails among professionals and even some triad members, as well as in the general population. It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment. Yet, because there may have always been an undercurrent of anxiety and sadness in his life, the child doesn't realize that everyone doesn't feel this way and that this feeling is a result of a loss he experienced before he had conscious memory.

It is important to recognize that the adoptee was present when the substitution of mothers took place. The experience was real. That he does not consciously remember the event should not detract us from this truth. It wasn't a concept to be learned or a theory to be understood; it was a traumatizing experience about which the adoptee may have persistent and ambivalent feelings, all of which may be legitimate. He is not abnormal, sick, or crazy. His feelings are an appropriate response to the most devastating experience one could ever have: the loss of the mother.

This loss cannot be eliminated by intellectual understanding, although this is important; or by legislation, although reform is certainly needed. The adoptee's loss must be acknowledged, validated, and worked through, so that she can gain a new attitude toward it and begin to gain a sense of Self (who she is), self-esteem (how she feels about herself), and self-worth (how she believes she is valued by others). Only when we set aside our denial ... when triad members acknowledge their pain, and when clinicians recognize the differences between biological and adoptive families ... can we proceed down the path to healing with understanding, insight, honesty, and courage.

 

 

Info for Adoptees

Because you have lived with separation trauma your entire lives, many of you haven't realized that what you have been feeling and experiencing is not what everyone experiences. For many of you, reading The Primal Wound was your first clue that your particular feelings and behaviors may have been caused by your experience of relinquishment and adoption. Relinquishment means separation and loss, and adoption means living without genetic markers or being reflected back. Both are traumas, one acute and one chronic, and both are going to affect your way of being in the world. Although these feelings, attitudes, and behaviors are normal for having had the experience of separation and adoption, yet they may not be serving you well in your lives today.

On the other hand, there are some of you who resist acknowledging the effects of early trauma, because you haven't known anything else. For the doubters and naysayers, there is an excellent book by Daniel Siegel you might want to read titled The Developing Mind, which includes the neurobiological reasons that early trauma affects our behavior, emotional responses, and neurological connections. It is difficult to know that one has suffered a trauma, when that trauma happened so early in one's life.

When someone suffers a trauma at age 30, she can go back to age 25 or 27 as a reference point for her feelings, attitudes and behaviors. She knows that she wasn't so fearful, so mistrustful, so needing to be in control, so sensitive to rejection, so depressed and anxious. She knew who she was and it isn't who she appears to be now. Birth mothers, who experience trauma at the time of relinquishment, often get stuck emotionally at the age at which they gave birth.

You as adoptees have no reference point. For most of you, your trauma occurred right after birth, so there is no "before trauma" self. You suffered a loss that you can't consciously remember and which no one else is acknowledging, but which has a tremendous impact on your sense of Self and others, your emotional responses, your behavior, and your world view. Your brain synapses connected according to your perception of your environment which seemed unsafe, unfamiliar, and in need of constant vigilance. This need for vigilance may have filled you with anxiety. Some of you became compliant and tried to be perfect, while others of you acted out and tested everyone who was important to you.

As children, these behaviors are to be understood and worked with patiently and lovingly (that is if adoptive parents are given a clue that their children have experienced trauma). But as adults, it is up to you to begin to realize the impact your actions have on others and to take responsibility for those actions. This is not always easy, because many of you don't even realize that you have an impact. (Mom leaves, baby cries, mom doesn't come back = I have no impact, no effect, no importance.) It is the baby mind that believes you have no impact. For the "adult truth" you have to check with others. Ask your husband/wife/mother/ partner: "Did it hurt you when I did...?" Then you can modify your behavior to reflect their answer. You have to begin to notice and acknowledge the effect you are having on others and then take responsibility for it. Take it from me: You do have an impact! You do matter!

Separation from mother is the ultimate loss. Although hidden from your conscious memory, that loss affects much of how you act in relationships. To be in a mature relationship, you must learn how your beliefs differ from reality. Then you can begin to change harmful behaviors. You may be acting from your trauma and not from your true self at all. Allow others to help you distinguish between the two, and learn to act from your true self, rather than from your traumatized self.

I've met thousands of adoptees since the publication of my first book in 1993, and each and every one has had a unique and wonderful personality. Yet there are many similarities in their behavior patterns, some compliant, some defiant, but behavior patterns which emanated from early trauma. As adults, it is time for you to gain control in your life. By you I mean the mature adult you, not the traumatized child you. (How many of you would consciously put a three-year-old in charge of your life? Well, you may have unconsciously done just that!) You have to begin to distinguish between your child and adult selves, and act from your adult self. You owe it to yourselves and those who love you.

Remember: You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and dignity, and you deserve to treat others with love, respect, and dignity.

[fooled once]

Not sure what this post is really in reference to or about...

 

my niece and nephew are adopted (at 18 months and at 5 days). From what I know of their life (both are in school now), they are very happy, well adjusted and doing great.

 

I believe everyone deserves love and respect and if a child can find that with an adoptive parent, vs foster care or staying in an abusive home with parents who are neglecting them, I think that is fantastic!

[The Collector]

Grief and Loss Issues for Adopted Children:

Adoption is a wonderful way to build families. However, adopted children don't always like it. How many adoptees get up every day and say, "Thank you for separating me forever from my birth family?" They want to be like other kids, and most other kids aren't adopted. In fact, it is estimated that adoptees make up only 5% of the U.S. population.

 

Adopted kids know they're different. Remember when being different at school was the worst possible thing that could happen? In a study of second-grade children who were told that one of their classmates was adopted, the most common response was, "I'm sorry."

They're not only different, they've already faced one of the hardest lessons life has to teach. They have lost their birth parents and will have to confront the reality that painful, sad things can happen to them. For most of us who are not adopted, having a parent die or losing a parent through divorce may be the biggest loss we'll ever know. Our parent is gone and we're on our own, without protection, guidance and unconditional love. There is a huge hole in our lives. When this loss occurs in adulthood, we know it's not our fault - we're not all-powerful and we didn't do anything to cause it. Adopted children, however, experience this loss from a child's perspective - they do think they're omnipotent and, therefore they must have done something to cause what happened.

From time to time, adopted children really wish their lives had turned out differently. And that's a normal part of their developmental process. They know they can't change their pasts. They tell me, "I was helpless - I couldn't keep her with me" - "her" being the birth mother. They think, "I should have been able to change things and she would still be with me." They feel a part of them is missing and it's somehow their fault.

We don't talk enough about the things that hurt in adoption. So when adopted children say, "I miss my birth mother," adults try to "fix" their pain with consoling words like "Mommy and daddy wanted you so much to be in their family." But to adopted children, it sounds as though adults don't listen when they try to communicate their grief and their loss. And even when adults do listen well, adopted children can't be fully comforted because they don't yet fully understand their own feelings. So anger and frustration, or sadness and anxiety result. Though these are normal responses for children, they can become a problem when they affect their emotional growth and development ... and when they negatively affect their relationships and self-esteem. Other kids may not want to spend time with these children. Parents and siblings may have trouble falling in love and staying in love with some adopted children because of the behaviors those feelings cause.

Loss is at the core of adoption. Adopted children in early childhood hear about adoption as the "chosen baby" story: "We tried to have a baby but we couldn't, so we went to an agency and a really nice lady helped us adopt you." It sounds wonderful then. But by the time they get to grade school, they've become more analytical about their world. That's when other kids ask, "Where is your real mom? Why didn't your real mom keep you?" Adopted children may feel rejected and depressed, or have temper tantrums. For them, anger is often better than feeling overwhelmed and helpless, especially in front of their friends and classmates.

Signs of anxiety also show up because adopted children know too well about what I call "a cosmic hole in the universe," and what author Harold Kushner calls "when bad things happen to good people." Grownups come to this knowledge when something devastating happens in their adult lives. But adopted children are old souls who have already experienced one of life's greatest losses, who already know that bad things can happen to good people. They have good reason to doubt adults' reassurances of safety, so their anxiety shows up in a myriad of ways. Adults can't love them out of this, but they can say, "I think I understand what you're feeling ... at least a little bit. Let me tell you about the time I worried about such and such."

The approach of caring adults should be to validate an adopted child's experience by talking about it - first, name the feeling that's going on - anger, depression, anxiety - then check it out with the child. Together, you can find ways to cope. Adopted children aren't crazy or unloving if they feel sad or angry or fearful - let them know that. No one can make these children's losses smaller by suppressing them - caring adults can, however, help them to make the rest of their lives bigger.

With all these issues, it's important to validate adopted children's experiences of grief and loss, whatever they are. Become an advocate for adopted children and educate teachers, day care providers, ministers, doctors and therapists about some of the special grief and loss issues adopted children may face. Assure adopted children, and those who are involved with adopted children, that, together, we can all find ways to cope with these issues successfully.

[melodymatters]

One of my longest R's was with a man who was adopted at 10 months. He very much had issues with it, and I'm sure though he doesn't remember those first ten months now, on some level there surely was a sense of abandonment. My daughter was very aware and attached at that age.

 

So, "P" has never had an easy time in relationships, in his 20's he was a compulsive womanizer and cheater, when he was with me in his 30's he had outgrown that, but still was incredibly hard to get close to. He is single now and the lonliest person I have ever met.

 

On the other hand, my female cousin, adopted at birth, is one of the happiest, healthiest people I know.

 

Like everything else, how one experiences this differs greatly and is based on such a wide variety of factors. ( "P's" adopted mother was very cold and judgemental, cousins was warm and loving)

[D-Lish]

My brother and I are adopted. I am 40 now, he's 37. Neither of us ever felt "quite right" growing up. I never ever felt like I fit in when I was young. I felt different. I had a very hard time accepting love from my parents. To say I have abandonment issues would be an understatement, and I have problems connecting with people because of that.

 

I think my brother has finally found peace because he has two biological children of his own he adores. It's almost like FINALLY being connected to something that is a part of you- I think that's done a lot to make him feel more connected to the world around him.

 

I met my bio mom when I was 25. She's a nice enough lady. We have the same mannerisms, interests, and we look exactly the same. I met everyone on her mother's side and we had been seeing one another about twice a year- but she never told her father and step mother about me. One day last year I was visiting my bf at the time and we were at the grocery store in his area and my bio-mom (accompanied by an old lady), walked by and pretended not to know me. I thought at first she didn't see me- but when I went back to talk to her she took me aside and said she was sorry she didn't say hello but she was with her step-mother who wasn't aware of me so she had to shuffle off.

 

That little meeting brought all the shame of the adoption to the surface all over again- it actually hurt a lot, being denied again. I haven't spoken to her since- haven't taken her calls or returned her e-mails.

 

Sorry for the thread jack- it brought out my issues!! lol.

[The Collector]

Not a thread-jack at all D-Lish - anyone is free to comment with their own experiences. My story is similar to yours, with a brother also adopted and him finding a lot of peace with his own biological child. I'd say I was in denial of any issues until I was about 30 (ten years ago), then read about adoption issues and realised how many applied to me. I never wanted to feel like a victim, and there is the subconscious pressure not to rock the boat, even in the most loving family, which mine was.

 

I have since come to terms with the fact that I suffered a trauma at birth, and allowed myself to feel that sublimated pain. But I also realise that how being adopted has probably affected me - see hyper-vigilant for example, or being an artist - has given me some character traits that I wouldn't change - in fact I wouldn't change a thing - and are, for better or worse, me.

[threebyfate]

Thanks for sharing TC and D. We've been talking about adopting our second child.

[The Collector]

A list of the famous and well-known adoptess. Each was raised by someone other than their birth parents – either by adoptive parents, step-parents, relatives, friends or in foster families.

 

 

Adrian Dodson – Olympic super-middleweight boxer

Alexander the Great - King of Macedonia, 356-323 B.C.

Andy Berlin - entrepreneur: chairman of Berlin Cameron & Partners

Anthony Williams - politician

Aristotle - philosopher

Art Linkletter – comedian

Ashia Hansen – Olympic World Triple Jump Record Holder

Bo Diddley - musician, performer

Bobby Darin - singer

Brent Jasmer - actor

Buffy Sainte-Marie - musician, actress

Carl Theodor Dreyer - Danish film director

Charles Dickens - writer

Charlotte Anne Lopez - Miss Teen USA 1992

Christina Crawford - author

Clarissa Pinkola Estes - author

Crazy Horse - Lakota war chief

Dame Kiri TeKanawa – opera singer

Dan O'Brien – Olympic Gold Medalist-Decathlete

Dana Plato – actress in “Different Strokes”

Daunte Culpepper - football player

Dave Thomas - entrepreneur: founder of Wendy's

Debbi Harry - singer

Edgar Allen Poe - poet, writer

Edward Albee - playwright

Eleanor Roosevelt - First Lady

Eric Dickerson - athlete

Faith Daniels - news anchor

Faith Hill - country singer

Fatima Whitbread – Olympic javelin thrower

Freddie Bartholomew - actor

Gary Coleman – actor

George Herman, Jr. (Babe Ruth) – baseball player

George Scott – Olympic medalist in boxing

George Washington Carver - inventor

Greg Louganis – Olympic diver

Halle Berry – actress

Hugh O’Connor – actor in “Heat of the Night”

Ingrid Bergman – actress

James Best – actor, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane in “Dukes of Hazzard”

James McArthur - actor

James Michener - author

Jamie Baulch - an athlete famous for Olympic 400 meter run

Jean Jacques Rousseau - philosopher

Jesse Jackson - minister

Jesus - adopted by Joseph the carpenter (Bible)

Jett Williams - country singer and author

Jim Palmer - athlete

John J. Audubon – naturalist

John Callahan - a cartoonist

John Hancock – third president of the Continental Congress

John Lennon – musician

Jonathan Gilbert – actor, Willie Olson in “Little House on the Prairie”

Langston Hughes - poet and writer

Larry Ellison - entrepreneur: chief executive of Oracle

Liz Phair - singer

Leo Tolstoy - writer

Les Brown - motivational speaker

Louisa May Alcott - writer

Lynnette Cole - Miss USA 2000

Malcolm X - civil rights leader

Marilyn Monroe - actress

Mark Acre - athlete

Mark Twain - writer

Matthew Laborteaux – actor, Albert Ingalls in “Little House on the Prairie”

Melissa Gilbert - actress

Michael Reagan– syndicated radio host and columnist

Mike Tyson – boxer, former Heavyweight Champion of the World

Moses - adopted by the princess of Egypt (Bible)

Nancy Reagan - First Lady

Nat King Cole - singer

Nelson Mandela - politician

Patrick Laborteaux – actor, Andy Garvey in Little House on the Prairie”

Peter and Kitty Carruthers – Olympic figure skaters

President Gerald R. Ford - politician, adopted by step-father

President William Clinton - politician

Priscilla Presley - actress

Ray Liotta – actor

Renee Rosnes – jazz pianist

Reno - performance artist, comedian

Rep. Jim Lightfoot - politician

Richard Burton - actor

Sara Gilbert - actress

Sarah McLachlan - singer

Scott Hamilton – Olympic figure skater

Sen. Paull H. Shin - politician

Sen. Robert Byrd - politician

Shari Belafonte-Harper - actress

Steve Jobs - entrepreneur: co-founder of Apple computer

Surya Bonaly - figure skater

Tim Green - football player/commentator

Tom Monaghan – entrepreneur: founder of Domino’s Pizza

Tommy Davidson - comedian

Victoria Rowell - actress

Wilson Riles - educator

[Green]

I rarely talk about this as I don't want people know. When I was toddler my father died. Years later my mother died. When I was 21 or 22 I was informed by my step father(the man who had been married to my mother when she died technicaly my adoptive father but I never got a long with him and think of him as a STEP) he told me my mother had used sperm donors to make me and my siblings because my father had been unable to impregnate her. He really had no info other then that. I don't think I will ever know who my biological father was now. Its it a little shocking to find something like that out.

[GorillaTheater]

I rarely talk about this as I don't want people know. When I was toddler my father died. Years later my mother died. When I was 21 or 22 I was informed by my step father(the man who had been married to my mother when she died technicaly my adoptive father but I never got a long with him and think of him as a STEP) he told me my mother had used sperm donors to make me and my siblings because my father had been unable to impregnate her. He really had no info other then that. I don't think I will ever know who my biological father was now. Its it a little shocking to find something like that out.

 

Green, depending on how much (if any) information you can dig up, whether old paperwork or what have you, this site may help:

 

http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/

 

There are biodads out there who are interested in connecting with any biokids who are likewise interested. I'm one of them.

[Green]

Green, depending on how much (if any) information you can dig up, whether old paperwork or what have you, this site may help:

 

http://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/

 

There are biodads out there who are interested in connecting with any biokids who are likewise interested. I'm one of them.

 

thanks I heard of that site before but I really have no information as this isn't the kind of thing people talk about. My mom never even told her own family and the only information I got was that she did it nothing more. I'll check out the site but I doubt it can help.

[GorillaTheater]

thanks I heard of that site before but I really have no information as this isn't the kind of thing people talk about. My mom never even told her own family and the only information I got was that she did it nothing more. I'll check out the site but I doubt it can help.

 

Best of luck guy.

[threebyfate]

thanks I heard of that site before but I really have no information as this isn't the kind of thing people talk about. My mom never even told her own family and the only information I got was that she did it nothing more. I'll check out the site but I doubt it can help.

The only reason why the Step would tell you this, is to hurt. When motivation is to hurt, the information is tainted. I would get a DNA test done with your sibs to ascertain whether you share fathers. If you do, then the Step was lying.

[Green]

The only reason why the Step would tell you this, is to hurt. When motivation is to hurt, the information is tainted. I would get a DNA test done with your sibs to ascertain whether you share fathers. If you do, then the Step was lying.

 

I'm almost 100% sure he is not lying. I do want to get a dna test with my sibs maybe some day to figure out if they really are half/bloods to me or not. But even if they are entirely my siblings which acording to him they are only related to me through my mother that doesn't mean she couldn't have used a sperm donor. although it would be a nice sign if she was able to use the same sperm donor more then once years apart means I'd have better chance of figuring this out.

 

really its such a monumental task to even beging to figure this out and may truely be imposible. I dont even know where or with what doctor she did this with. I don't even know who the doctor who delivered me was not that the doctore who delivered me would necesarily know anything. My mother and father are dead and my other father really knows nothing beyond she used a sperm donor.

 

My original father had been married before my mother and I knew that those kids from that mariage had been adopted. I always just assumed that they had wanted to adopt or that the woman couldn't have kids ect... I never really thought about it. I'm sure it must have been pretty hard for my father being unable to impregnate women.

[threebyfate]

I'm almost 100% sure he is not lying. I do want to get a dna test with my sibs maybe some day to figure out if they really are half/bloods to me or not. But even if they are entirely my siblings which acording to him they are only related to me through my mother that doesn't mean she couldn't have used a sperm donor. although it would be a nice sign if she was able to use the same sperm donor more then once years apart means I'd have better chance of figuring this out.

 

really its such a monumental task to even beging to figure this out and may truely be imposible. I dont even know where or with what doctor she did this with. I don't even know who the doctor who delivered me was not that the doctore who delivered me would necesarily know anything. My mother and father are dead and my other father really knows nothing beyond she used a sperm donor.

 

My original father had been married before my mother and I knew that those kids from that mariage had been adopted. I always just assumed that they had wanted to adopt or that the woman couldn't have kids ect... I never really thought about it. I'm sure it must have been pretty hard for my father being unable to impregnate women.

Hopefully you'll resolve this issue whether you get confirmation or not. I have no idea why someone would be so deliberately cruel to impart this type of information when the only people who can confirm and explain it to you on any meaningful emotional level, would be your mother and father.

 

Good luck.

[controlledchaos]

i too am adopted. i was about a month old when it happened, but lived in an adoption agency building for that month. in a nursery type setting.

 

growing up i can't say i felt out of place or anything like that. all of my cousins were NOT adopted so, there was a touch of sadness. but my grandparents on my dad's side ALWAYS showed me MUCH love. i was the oldest and never felt slighted by them in the least bit. my mom never really accepted me as her daughter though. she has always made this very clear. we are very different people.

 

growing up and into my adulthood she would tell me that i wasn't the type of daughter she wanted. the last time she made comments like that to me was about 6 years ago. being told you're not what someone wanted, sucks!

 

i KNOW i have abandonment and rejection issues because of not only being adopted but my adopted mother's attitude towards me. but, i am just now knowing this. in my teen years i never thought about it too much. even in my early 20s. but, now, in my 30s. having a 15 yrs relationship dissolve before my eyes.......... and feeling the emotional fall out i am suffering........ i cannot deny i have issues regarding my being adopted. i have always loved my birth mother for being strong enough to say " i cannot raise this child right," and for giving me LIFE and a chance at a good one. as a teenager i always found it interesting that my adoptive mom would tell me that if i found myself pregnant she would take me for an abortion. i wouldn't have been there is my birth mother had done that. but, my mom, the woman who adopted me and raised me, saw it as an acceptable option if i should ever find myself in that position. i NEVER wanted to be in that position because i just could not agree with her. i was allowed to live. and i have always been grateful for that!!!

 

thank you for the titles of the books. i think i will read them.