How to rebuild broken trust?

[Ana]

My boyfriend has lied to me to protect himself and hide something from me that he knows would change the nature of our relationship. He gave me his word and looked me straight in the face, made me a promise, then snuck behind my back to do what he wanted to do anyway. I would never have known if it hadn't been for the computer keeping information that gave him away. He though he had deleted all evidence. Should I ditch him? Work it out? What can I go on if his word means nothing?

[Tony T]

Trust is like virginity, once compromised it can never be regained.

 

He has shown you he cannot keep his word. Do you want to meet him at the foot of the altar and have him say "I do" when he's thinking "well, maybe?"

 

The essence of a man is his word. If it means nothing to him, then what is truly his substance? This was not a minor offense, he directly made a representation to you he did not live up to.

 

Obviously you did not trust him before this matter came up or you would not have gone into the dark crevices of his computer to dig up the dirt that did him in. So obviously there was a prior trust issue here.

 

My vote is to ditch him...but I certainly encourage you to listen and consider the opinions of others.

[Charles]

I'll assume he has either been looking at porn

 

or chating up women on the net for fun.

 

this may be something that he will find very hard

 

to change and he may go back to it on and off

 

for a little while before he gets fully out of it

 

when he does go back and then goes out with guilt

 

he'll lie to protect himself. despite it all he

 

probably still loves and cares for you but if

 

its a habit it will be hard to break and will

 

require time.

 

even in marriage couples will lie to each other

 

about trust they've broken and don't think they'll

 

break agian. many psycologists actually tell

 

men who come to them after cheating on their

 

partner not to tell the partner because it would

 

only make things worse and put a wall between them.

 

do your best to forgive him but if thats just the

 

way he is then you'll have to either accept it and

 

love him for all the other reasons or get out

 

of the relationship.

 

Charles

[Ana]

I like you Tony. Thanks.

Trust is like virginity, once compromised it can never be regained. He has shown you he cannot keep his word. Do you want to meet him at the foot of the altar and have him say "I do" when he's thinking "well, maybe?" The essence of a man is his word. If it means nothing to him, then what is truly his substance? This was not a minor offense, he directly made a representation to you he did not live up to.

 

Obviously you did not trust him before this matter came up or you would not have gone into the dark crevices of his computer to dig up the dirt that did him in. So obviously there was a prior trust issue here. My vote is to ditch him...but I certainly encourage you to listen and consider the opinions of others.