someone talk me off the ledge

[Thorgs]

Some of you know my story. Anyways the daughter came up to me and told me her mom is on the 3rd guy since the break up and she got a boob job. What the ****!!! I am so ficking mad right now. I want to text her so bad and just tell her off

[PegNosePete]

Her choices are up to her, now...

If she's on the 3rd guy then she obviously isn't having a very good time of it.

She must be having self-esteem issues if she's had a boob job.

It's not your job to tell her off any more. She can do what she likes, and so can you.

Good luck

[TG4MJ]

Take comfort in knowing that getting her getting implants pretty much killed her chance in ever finding a good guy because statistically, good guys hate artificial beauty. I once knew a girl who came to me in tears because she hated the fact that she had no curves, but the boyfriend, who was a good guy that didn't care about that, outright told her that if she got implants he'd never speak to her again. That seems to be the concensus with most decent non shallow non superficial guys. Oh yeah, and so you know, the quality of those things varies, but on the real dude, in my experience, those things feel like the stuff Stretch Armstrong is made out of, if you remember that toy, lol.

[Trimmer]

What the ****!!! I am so ficking mad right now. I want to text her so bad and just tell her off

Why?

 

I'm not being stupid, and I know this is not easy or obvious, but I think it's really worth considering why you are angry about this. If you are in NC, and you are trying to heal and move on, why does it matter? Really explore that.

 

Anger usually comes from fear. What are you afraid of?

 

I know that you feel a connection and some kind of obligation to this daughter, but if contact with her is driving you this crazy, then it is not in your best interest to allow any more contact than absolutely necessary to carry out your professional duties. Is this sense of obligation to the daughter worth driving you "to the ledge?" I think I recall the advice you got in your other thread was generally of the nature of "If you think you can handle it, then contact with the daughter should be OK." But it doesn't seem like you are handling it very well. (That's not intended as a criticism of "your handling" but an observation that it may be an insurmountable task to "handle" that contact...)

Edited September 8, 2010 by Trimmer

[on edge]

don't put your daughter in the middle of your mess.

[ShannonMI]

Don't contact her. As much as you would like to. Is the daughter yours with your ex? How old is she? I would be mad that this kid is being exposed to all these men coming in and out of your exes life. This kid doesn't need to see that sh*t. That's something to be pissed about.

 

Who cares if she's on her 3rd guy? Or she's getting a boob job. She's obviously not a happy individual. I'd be angry that this poor kid sees the men go in and out like a revolving door. That can't be good for her to see. Your ex sounds like a piece of trash, no offense. My ex is a piece of trash too, so we have something in common.

[Trimmer]

don't put your daughter in the middle of your mess.

 

Is the daughter yours with your ex? How old is she? I would be mad that this kid is being exposed to all these men coming in and out of your exes life. This kid doesn't need to see that sh*t. That's something to be pissed about.

 

See his other thread for the background, but in short: this is not his daughter. The ex was a girlfriend; they weren't married. The daughter in question attends school where he works, so he can't avoid contact with her.

 

And as much as he could reasonably be upset about the daughter's situation within her family, as a caring human being, if he isn't going to maintain a relationship with his ex (which it seems clear he shouldn't) then I believe he should also extract himself from a continuing bond with the daughter - for his own sake - as it is causing him great anguish, and interfering with his moving forward.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Trimmer

[Thorgs]

omg! FML! The daughter just told me at the end of the day that her mom and her new boyfriend are moving in together. WOW! So now it'll be his two kids and her two kids. The thing that hurts me the most is that this girl (the daughter) is really hurting right now and she has no one else to talk to. I feel absolutely horrible.

 

I can't really stop contact with her as today she came to find me on the opposite end of the school. Blah, this is making me more upset just thinking about what she must be feeling.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Thorgs

[DustySaltus]

The person you loved is not the person she is.

 

The person you loved is not the person she is.

 

The person you loved is not the person she is.

[Billie The Puppet]

I don't think you should stop talking to the daughter but I think you should steer conversations away from her mother because you are getting unwanted status updates.

[Thorgs]

The person you loved is not the person she is.

 

The person you loved is not the person she is.

 

The person you loved is not the person she is.

 

Agreed!

 

I don't think you should stop talking to the daughter but I think you should steer conversations away from her mother because you are getting unwanted status updates.

 

Oh trust me, I never bring her up or talk about anything that would cause her to be brought up. Like I said, her daughter went out of her way to come to the opposite end of the school to find me and told me all that stuff. I know she's doing it because she's hurting, not to be a jerk.

 

Tough situation.

[Thorgs]

BTW, thank you everyone for replying so far, it's been great hearing an outsiders input.

[GorillaTheater]

And as much as he could reasonably be upset about the daughter's situation within her family, as a caring human being, if he isn't going to maintain a relationship with his ex (which it seems clear he shouldn't) then I believe he should also extract himself from a continuing bond with the daughter - for his own sake - as it is causing him great anguish, and interfering with his moving forward.

 

This is rational, constructive advice. And speaking for myself and myself only, I'd probably continue to maintain a relationship with this hurting kid who apparently has no one else to turn to. I'm no martyr. Well, at least not in the typical run of things, but I know I rather hurt myself than hurt a kid in this situation. It's not rational, and it's not terribly constructive, but it's what I see myself doing.

[Thorgs]

This is rational, constructive advice. And speaking for myself and myself only, I'd probably continue to maintain a relationship with this hurting kid who apparently has no one else to turn to. I'm no martyr. Well, at least not in the typical run of things, but I know I rather hurt myself than hurt a kid in this situation. It's not rational, and it's not terribly constructive, but it's what I see myself doing.

Agreed, but it's really killing me hearing all these things. I asked her if she could not bring up her mom because I still have feelings for her and still love her and her sister, so it hurts hearing these things. I did tell her, however, that if she needed to talk to me about it (or anything) that I am here for her.

 

God this is killing me.

[GorillaTheater]

Agreed, but it's really killing me hearing all these things. I asked her if she could not bring up her mom because I still have feelings for her and still love her and her sister, so it hurts hearing these things. I did tell her, however, that if she needed to talk to me about it (or anything) that I am here for her.

 

God this is killing me.

 

It will get better. Time is your enemy in one respect but your friend in another. But even though this is the path you've apparently chosen, and the one I'd also take in your shoes, we'd be fooling ourselves if we thought that contact with the ex's daughter wasn't slowing the healing process. Life is all about choices and living with them.

[PixieStix]

Like I posted to you on the other thread, you need a clean break totally in order to keep your own sanity. Is there not a counselor that you can refer the daughter to at the school? You cannot heal when you have to hear these things over and over and all the happenings of her day to day life.

[stillafool]

Some of you know my story. Anyways the daughter came up to me and told me her mom is on the 3rd guy since the break up and she got a boob job. What the ****!!! I am so ficking mad right now. I want to text her so bad and just tell her off

 

This is so typical of the "I want to break up because I need space" crap. I feel for you guy. Erase everything you've ever known about her and go complete NC forever! She's a coward!

[Trimmer]

This is rational, constructive advice. And speaking for myself and myself only, I'd probably continue to maintain a relationship with this hurting kid who apparently has no one else to turn to. I'm no martyr. Well, at least not in the typical run of things, but I know I rather hurt myself than hurt a kid in this situation. It's not rational, and it's not terribly constructive, but it's what I see myself doing.

I completely agree. Even though it was my own advice - from a detached, objective viewpoint - I'm also the type to "take one for the team", especially, I imagine, if I had established any degree of familial bond (whether officially married or not) with the kids.

 

Whether or not it's rational - and no, it certainly doesn't help speed the healing process along - it is ultimately and utterly human.

 

Now, clicking into "divorced parent" mode here, I had another line of thought on this topic. We should acknowledge that kids of a separated home will harbor fantasies of reconciliation for a long time. Of course, it depends on how long the family unit was together, the ages of the kids, how much of a bond was formed, etc. But in this loss, they (she, the daughter) may well be harboring such a fantasy, even if subconsciously. Especially as her mom's life spirals into disarray, it will only seem ever more clear that "if only the two of you got back together, everything would be better again..." And her time spent with you is both a soothing reminder of what was, and an irritating reminder of what has been lost.

 

A consequence of this is that if she is reading your hurt, and/or senses any degree of "I'd get back together again if only...", then this may also be feeding her reconciliation fantasy. You have enough trouble accepting the reality and finality of the breakup yourself; just imagine how hard it is for a kid, who can live in fantasy for a long time - to admit it and come to grips with it.

 

What I'm saying is, perhaps it is worth considering PixieStix advice, in that referring her to a counselor may serve two very valid purposes, and help you both: (1) it might help to minimize your exposure to the news of your ex'es new life, and (2) it might help your ex'es daughter to begin to grasp the reality and finality of the breakup, provide her an outlet for her anxieties over her mom's new "situations", and give her a path to work through it all and rebuild in a healthy way.

 

Not saying I'm proclaiming a judgement, but it's worth asking the question, and I'm just throwing it out there for consideration: is it possible that continued contact and discussion of her mom's situation with you might actually be impeding the daughter's healing, coping, and forward progress, as well as yours?

[Thorgs]

I completely agree. Even though it was my own advice - from a detached, objective viewpoint - I'm also the type to "take one for the team", especially, I imagine, if I had established any degree of familial bond (whether officially married or not) with the kids.

 

Whether or not it's rational - and no, it certainly doesn't help speed the healing process along - it is ultimately and utterly human.

 

Now, clicking into "divorced parent" mode here, I had another line of thought on this topic. We should acknowledge that kids of a separated home will harbor fantasies of reconciliation for a long time. Of course, it depends on how long the family unit was together, the ages of the kids, how much of a bond was formed, etc. But in this loss, they (she, the daughter) may well be harboring such a fantasy, even if subconsciously. Especially as her mom's life spirals into disarray, it will only seem ever more clear that "if only the two of you got back together, everything would be better again..." And her time spent with you is both a soothing reminder of what was, and an irritating reminder of what has been lost.

 

A consequence of this is that if she is reading your hurt, and/or senses any degree of "I'd get back together again if only...", then this may also be feeding her reconciliation fantasy. You have enough trouble accepting the reality and finality of the breakup yourself; just imagine how hard it is for a kid, who can live in fantasy for a long time - to admit it and come to grips with it.

 

What I'm saying is, perhaps it is worth considering PixieStix advice, in that referring her to a counselor may serve two very valid purposes, and help you both: (1) it might help to minimize your exposure to the news of your ex'es new life, and (2) it might help your ex'es daughter to begin to grasp the reality and finality of the breakup, provide her an outlet for her anxieties over her mom's new "situations", and give her a path to work through it all and rebuild in a healthy way.

 

Not saying I'm proclaiming a judgement, but it's worth asking the question, and I'm just throwing it out there for consideration: is it possible that continued contact and discussion of her mom's situation with you might actually be impeding the daughter's healing, coping, and forward progress, as well as yours?

Thanks Trimmer, you're words are spot on. I have already asked the girl to not bring up her mom unless it it absolutely necessary to get something off her mind. She agreed and apologized for hurting me.

 

Funny thing happened today. This is a very small knit town. I walked into the main office to make some copies and there are two front office employees who live right near the ex. One said she hadn't seen me over in her area for a while. I just did the, "yeeeeeah." They knew instantly. Then they said she's been pulling this garbage for years with men and said she is a very nasty person. My eyes were opened to the fact that the ex is not liked by very many people in town, if any, as she makes it that way by her actions of infidelity, etc etc. The worst part was, they ladies said that they see a lot of the mom in the daughter (which I haven't ever seen, but maybe I'm blinded by it or really haven't ever seen it). So it's all bad from that standpoint.

[ShannonMI]

Thanks Trimmer, you're words are spot on. I have already asked the girl to not bring up her mom unless it it absolutely necessary to get something off her mind. She agreed and apologized for hurting me.

 

Funny thing happened today. This is a very small knit town. I walked into the main office to make some copies and there are two front office employees who live right near the ex. One said she hadn't seen me over in her area for a while. I just did the, "yeeeeeah." They knew instantly. Then they said she's been pulling this garbage for years with men and said she is a very nasty person. My eyes were opened to the fact that the ex is not liked by very many people in town, if any, as she makes it that way by her actions of infidelity, etc etc. The worst part was, they ladies said that they see a lot of the mom in the daughter (which I haven't ever seen, but maybe I'm blinded by it or really haven't ever seen it). So it's all bad from that standpoint.

Yes that's sad that the daughter has a mother like this. All these men going in and out of her and her daughter's life isn't good. I feel bad for the girl. Hopefully she won't become too fu*ked up because of her mother's actions. People like her shouldn't have children.

[Thorgs]

Yes that's sad that the daughter has a mother like this. All these men going in and out of her and her daughter's life isn't good. I feel bad for the girl. Hopefully she won't become too fu*ked up because of her mother's actions. People like her shouldn't have children.

You know what the worst part is? She almost died when this daughter was born. That's how much she wanted to have a second child. And look at what she's doing to them now. How sad. I feel more sad for all 3 of them more than anything.

[Cor]

Agreed, but it's really killing me hearing all these things. I asked her if she could not bring up her mom because I still have feelings for her and still love her and her sister, so it hurts hearing these things. I did tell her, however, that if she needed to talk to me about it (or anything) that I am here for her.

 

God this is killing me.

 

If you want to help this girl , forget about how you fell and concentrate on how she fells , that will probably help you move on !

This will not kill you btw.

[ShannonMI]

You know what the worst part is? She almost died when this daughter was born. That's how much she wanted to have a second child. And look at what she's doing to them now. How sad. I feel more sad for all 3 of them more than anything.

Yea it sounds like a pretty sad situation. It sucks because you want to help the kids, I'm sure. There is really nothing you can do about it, though. Don't get involved with trying to help them. You have to just move on and try to forget about them all. It's easier said then done, I know.

[Thorgs]

For a good read, go see my original thread. It is finally over.