Being judgmental.

[Mimolicious]

Post the whole quote or this makes no sense. Or is that the point?

 

You make blanket statements yet when you are called on it, you snap with an abrupt tone. Hilarious!

 

Let me ask you, have you ever been married or in a 'exclusive relationship' where you have lived with the person and created a home? Not that it doesn't validate your opinion, but it's quiet just like "copy the whole quote" doctrine. Speaking from what someone else has told you is far less sustainable than speaking from a place of your own. Halfassed info.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Mimolicious

[BB07]

Maybe one sentence can sum it up in a alot of ways.

One size does not fit all!

 

Now I'm going out tonight........with a friend. I'm going to have myself at least two long island iced tea's. I've lost so much weight recently, two really kick my butt. I'm such a cheap drunk!

[Dexter Morgan]

I am so tired of hearing that people are being judgmental when they find affairs to be offensive. The pw is doing much more judging daily than the bs. It is so hypocritical.

 

right, and as if being judgmental in any way compares to the hurt and wrong doing someone is bestowing on someone else in real life.

 

like someone is going to be a party to tearing someone's world apart in real life, but are going to boo hoo when someone calls it like they see it.

 

you are correct, very hypocritical.

[Mimolicious]

Maybe one sentence can sum it up in a alot of ways.

One size does not fit all!

 

Now I'm going out tonight........with a friend. I'm going to have myself at least two long island iced tea's. I've lost so much weight recently, two really kick my butt. I'm such a cheap drunk!

 

Cheers BB! maybe you can squeeze a #3 in for me!?

[Silly_Girl]

right, and as if being judgmental in any way compares to the hurt and wrong doing someone is bestowing on someone else in real life.

 

like someone is going to be a party to tearing someone's world apart in real life, but are going to boo hoo when someone calls it like they see it.

 

you are correct, very hypocritical.

 

Dexter, I really feel as though you are missing the point, But you do that a lot

 

This is an OW/OM forum. It is for advice and support. FOR the OW and OM. Not for BS's to come and vent or to drop one-line bitchy comments based on their own situations.

 

There are BS's who firmly state what their judgment actually is, but still offer relevant and practical advice, or help a poster understand their situation more.

 

And I would feel exactly the same if the OW/OM were over on infidelity attempting to undermine the BS's and make them feel crap about their situations.

[Ellin]

Sigh that term is so tiresome. So many times you read that people who find affairs morally wrong are just bitter judgmental people but is that not what the ow is doing?

 

The ow makes judgments of the bs DAILY. They justify their relationship with the mm through their own judgments of a woman they do not even know.

 

As lizzie said in another thread.

 

 

These are all judgments she has made about the bs. You without knowing the bs form an opinion of her and judge her not to be worthy of her husband. You judge her to be a bad mom, a bad housekeeper, fat, lazy and even a lousy lover.

 

I am so tired of hearing that people are being judgmental when they find affairs to be offensive. The pw is doing much more judging daily than the bs. It is so hypocritical.

Just read the first post.

 

Saying that A are morally wrong is just stating someone's views about morality. Saying to OW/OM who are looking for help because they're hurting that they should blame themselves for their pain, that they are immoral ect. is judgemental and unhelpful.

 

Saying things like BS have let themselves go, are uncaring or unattractive is NOT being judgemental, because it's nothing to do with anything being MORALLY wrong. It's just unkind and one-sided, perhaps too far going assumptions. A completely different thing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Saying to OW/OM who are looking for help because they're hurting that they should blame themselves for their pain,

 

So you are stating that to say to an OW that their pain is a direct consequence of their action is a judgment because it has to do with morality??? Isn't it more logic based than judgmental. Akin to, "I keep slapping myself in the face and it hurts" "if you slap yourself in the face no wonder you hurt, and will hurt until you stop that senseless action" That doesn't sound moral to me.

[Ellin]

see now you are judging me to be in pain reading this board. Nope no pain sorry. I see pain daily on this board though and I see ow and bs's in pain and I constantly see the ow lashing out that people are being judgmental and bitter. I just thought I would point out the hypocricy in that.

 

This post is what brought this up and I didn't want to threadjack.

 

 

I did not see any bitterness from yellow shark just sharing of experience but because they do not agree with you (plural the ow) you judge them to be bitter.

 

Since you quoted my post where I claimed that Yellow Shark's comment was a typical viewpoint of a bitter BS, you should have also bring up his post which I commented on.

 

That would have been far more informative.

 

Well, I see a lot of bitterness in Yellow Shark's posts, have you read them all, including the earliest ones?

 

I don't want to make comments about other posters but you've started it.

 

I think Infidelity board is better suited for someone who has been betrayed and is suffering as a result of that, in the same way as OW benefits from this board, when she's suffering because of the effect of her A. If an OW spend so much time posting on infidelity, telling BS that reconciling with a WS is wrong, I'd also think she's bitter and would suggest she come to OM/OW board.

 

I also wonder why my comment about Yellow Shark made you automatically jump to a conclusion that I am an OW. If you accuse me of stereotypical thinking, what about your reaction here?

[Ellin]

Saying to OW/OM who are looking for help because they're hurting that they should blame themselves for their pain,

 

So you are stating that to say to an OW that their pain is a direct consequence of their action is a judgment because it has to do with morality??? Isn't it more logic based than judgmental. Akin to, "I keep slapping myself in the face and it hurts" "if you slap yourself in the face no wonder you hurt, and will hurt until you stop that senseless action" That doesn't sound moral to me.

 

Slapping yourself in the face is a stupid thing to do and not comparable to something as complicated as love affair.

 

And yes, many people do say this sort of things with the intention to judge, meaning "you're in the wrong, so accept the pain, because you deserve it".

[Ellin]

Its one thing to be opinionated and to strongly voice that. But judgemental...this forum is simply not the place for that. People come to ask questions and offer advice. Ideally.

 

I would suggest to anyone that feels a post or poster is judgemental...that they read a few of the other entries by the same poster. If you read the same stereotypes and the same lines over and over again...they arent offering anything. They are here to judge or irritate. Who knows why. When I recognize them, I just treat them like I would in real life. Polite indifference.

 

BUT. Its possible that I have made people feel judged. I really do think, using my own life experience and lessons...that being involved in infidelity is not a good idea. For anyone. To me, the one who is making the biggest mistake is often the single OW. Cuz that was me. But thats my hindsight, its useless to anyone else. Still, when I see a train wreck coming I want to shout LOOK OUT.

Nicely put, 2 sure.

[desertIslandCactus]

Funny how stuff that can be verified in real life.. is called judgemental on a site like this one.. oh well..

 

 

I know stuff about an OW that was verified by several members of .. not one, but two diff families.

 

Of course info was discounted by an OW on here. Guess first hand and heresay info just doesn't fly, according to which side you're on..

[Ellin]

I appreciate the support. But I have broad shoulders! HA!

 

In my case as a BS I am definitely bitter towards the people who betrayed me. But I have not come to Loveshack to take it out on people I don't even know.

 

Yet I am always amazed at the pride some posters take at being the OM/OW. I find that is something I am trying to understand since I am a victim of infidelity. The reason for this search for knowledge is because I want to get inside the head of someone who can cheat with a married person and not feel guilt, it's so unlike me.

 

Never seen anyone here taking PRIDE in being OM/OW. To say that is really pushing it. I've seen countless hurting OW/OM who admitted that they were in the wrong and were ashamed.

 

And I wonder why you're so interested in people who cheat with a MP. I'd imagine that a BS would rather wonder why his/her SO betrayed them with another, and whether that person was M or S would not be the most important issue.

[Ellin]

EXACTLY, so why is it the people who do not condone affairs constantly get beat down and called judgmental.

Because they're making moral judgement perhaps?

 

And this is pointed out because this is OM/OW forum and agruing about the moral side of it is rather pointless and, like I said earlier, unhelpful?

[Ellin]

Awesome post and so true. I totally agree with lilbunny in that the caring and concern that is illustrated by either a bs or a row or an ow can really help. It doesn't matter who it comes from, if it's caring and kind.

 

Absolutely!

 

There are some pretty amazing posters, who have been betrayed, but offer their perspective to OW with so much kindness and understanding that I can only admire.

[pureinheart]

So, in other words, you agree with her assessment that EVERY SINGLE MALE ON THE PLANET WILL CHEAT?

 

That's a sad thing - thinking any man you might ever form a R with will betray you.

 

LOL>>>> how on earth did you get this ^ above quote out of my post?????? You crack me up girl...

 

Lizzy does believe that every man will cheat, and she calls it in the order of how "she" sees it ...I personally don't think every man will find another...and Donna, I doubt "we" will give them a reason !

[Ellin]

But didn't you yourself just write: "I very much doubt an unqualified sentence of disapproval from a total stranger is likely to alter anyone's behaviour."

 

If it won't change a person's behavior in the end AND meets the LS TOS, who cares? That opinion can be ignored.

 

People post to be "heard" not obeyed.

 

Well, ok, so why are some people bothered by the fact that judgemental post are being called that?

[Ellin]

I think they post for the reason I stated: to be heard.

 

Some feel that to do nothing is more evil than to offend one actually doing what they consider evil.

 

They state their piece.

 

But I can't speak to their intent on whether they mean to be hurtful or not. I have no problem with what Nancy posted. It was a simple statement. No "poetic license" involved. No nastiness. Just plain she feels its wrong. I don't see that as judgmental. I just see that as a statement of her opinion. And if I disagree with it, I am free to ignore her opinion.

Stating that A are wrong is fine, but more suitable to a philosophical discussion about morality. But what's the point of such statement in a response to someone experiencing emotional pain and asking for help?

 

Not talking about her post specifically of course.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't put much faith in statistics which can be skewed to support whatever side of the debate you are on.

 

I do put faith in personal knowledge and anecdotal evidence (such as on SI).

 

When you have a comfortable lifestyle very few people would give it up unless seriously injured beyond repair.

 

e.g. If ExMM sold his family home he will not be able to afford two decent properties in London. MM and the SAHM are faced with downsizing dramatically. One breadwinner paying for two homes, child/wife support (more than he would pay if still living as one unit), ...all adds up. No more foreign holidays, new cars. MM is just making ends meet and faced with the possibility of being pensioned off/ made redundant. This is no way to live for some.

 

It is not just the MM that does not want to dismantle their life the BS does not want this either.

 

 

Yes, stats can be skewed. But a look at the local courthouse will show how many people are divorcing and the settlement. And I guess if he (or she) is going to play outside, then they should be more than willing to live outside. Some BSes don't' mind moving on from a crappy life with a crappy spouse.

 

And personal experience and knowledge is a limited sample size for all of us, which inherently flawed and thus makes most things a matter of opinion.

[pureinheart]

I agree. People do not come here to be judged. They come here for advice and support. If a member has neither to offer, they should abstain from posting in the thread. Many persons' religious and moral upbringings taught them that cheating and betrayal is wrong. That doesn't give us the right to condemn others.

 

I was brought up to believe that stealing a tootsie roll from the corner grocer was wrong, yet I did it a time or two and to this day I can't figure out whether I feel guilty about it or not. However, I do not judge others for violating my moral imperatives...or even theirs. It happens to humans.

 

When I see posts that lecture people on the evils of their affairs, I delete them. I do have my own personal guidelines for myself but I don't press those on others, especially here. People already know exactly what their own personal morals are. Frankly, I wish some of them would be a lot more clear about what they actually need from us...but one thing is for sure, lectures on what we think are the evils of what they are doing is NOT what they are here for.

 

If you happen to be Christian, you know you are ultimately judged by the same criteria you judge others. Suspend all judgment and your are clear to move to the front of the line.

 

This would be the reason why I do not have to judge others (judging myself is a fulltime job anyway), as it is not my job per se.

 

I strongly believe compassion is the exact opposite of judgement (and I need a lot of compassion BTW, as I fail to be perfect).

 

I am wondering if compassion for the most part is a learned response, and not something built within a person...compassion does not come as easy as a critical spirit.

 

My stepdad and I used to get on my moms case really bad about her lack of exercise, telling her she'd feel better if she did...we were relentless. She told us her legs hurt which made exercise difficult...we did not hear.

 

Long story short...I have always been an active person and about 3 years ago my legs started to hurt...they seem to get really bad towards the end of summer...these last two weeks I have not been able to walk much...I am feeling her pain, what she went through. I imagine it made me superior not to understand and just believe that if she was in hardship, she mostlikely was...

[NoIDidn't]

Well, ok, so why are some people bothered by the fact that judgemental post are being called that?

 

Ellin, I'm sure you read the OP. Its the hypocrisy about who and when its done, not the fact that its done.

[NoIDidn't]

Stating that A are wrong is fine, but more suitable to a philosophical discussion about morality. But what's the point of such statement in a response to someone experiencing emotional pain and asking for help?

 

Not talking about her post specifically of course.

 

This excuse is always brought up, but it has no basis in fact. No one posts judgmental "that's what you get" posts when someone actually posts that they are in pain. No one posts "affairs are wrong" when a poster is in obvious pain. At least I don't. And I haven't seen RECENTLY where this one done.

 

Always the strawman argument to come up when it simply hasn't happened for any RECENT posters to even claim that its affected them. It happened quite a bit when "Guests" were allowed to post but not register to post.

[Ellin]

Ellin' date=' I'm sure you read the OP. Its the hypocrisy about who and when its done, not the fact that its done.[/quote']

I've already commented on the opening post. There is no hypocrisy in the way described there.

 

Saying that A are wrong / MM and OW are bad people and saying that BS are bitchy or unattractive (or something like this, which is what the OP was about) are two completely different things.

 

Not to mention that the OP based the whole thread on two random posts by other people (one mine) which are supposed to illustrate that "hypocrisy" - well, they don't and the other one (Lizzie's) is not even a typical post on this board, so not representative.

[pureinheart]

Off-topic a bit' date=' but I disagree with this. [b']A Christian is called to be "hot or cold" or risk being "spewed out of [His] mouth".[/b] They are called to exercise "right" judgment, but none has the power of condemnation.

 

And, back on topic, I think that's the issue some have with what they are labelling "judgmental". I think they feel "condemned" for their choices, which, to me, is worse than feeling judged.

 

We all exercise judgment to a degree, even concerning people's actions and motives. So I don't think being judgmental is the biggest concern as no one can "suspend ALL judgment" without jeopardizing their emotional or physical well-being.

 

This is an issue of salvation (bold), as many use this as a licence to be critical. The Holy Spirit (Ghost) does a fine job already.

 

Judgement has a bitter tone to it, it is easily recognized, and I think we have all felt condemned for something at sometime, as we have all told a lie and so on.

 

Bottom line, judgement is not support for the OM/OW/WS/BS.

[NoIDidn't]

This is an issue of salvation (bold), as many use this as a licence to be critical. The Holy Spirit (Ghost) does a fine job already.

 

Judgement has a bitter tone to it, it is easily recognized, and I think we have all felt condemned for something at sometime, as we have all told a lie and so on.

 

Bottom line, judgement is not support for the OM/OW/WS/BS.

 

I disagree. Salvation either exists or it doesn't. There is no "hot" or "cold" in Salvation. There is a difference between righteous judgment and criticism. Jesus called the Pharisees "vipers". Did he judge them or did he criticize them? Or do you see a difference?

 

Some judgments do have a bitter tone even when sincere, but Christians are called to make them because there is a difference between the judgment of discernment vs. a condemning judgment. How else will one know a tree by its fruit? Are they just going to guess? Are they supposed to tell themselves "I am not to judge" and ignore the fact that the person has a history of poor decision making and untrustworthy behaviors? I don't think so.

 

I agree with you that Judgment is not support, but a life without judgment is a life without convictions (lacks hot or cold).

 

("bottom line"? LOLOLOL)

[YellowShark]

Since you quoted my post where I claimed that Yellow Shark's comment was a typical viewpoint of a bitter BS, you should have also bring up his post which I commented on.

 

Well, I see a lot of bitterness in Yellow Shark's posts, have you read them all, including the earliest ones?

 

I also wonder why my comment about Yellow Shark made you automatically jump to a conclusion that I am an OW. If you accuse me of stereotypical thinking, what about your reaction here?

 

How was YS sharing his experience in the post that prompted me to make this comment?

 

I am flattered that you read all my posts ... and see only bitterness in them.

 

And I wonder why you're so interested in people who cheat with a MP. I'd imagine that a BS would rather wonder why his/her SO betrayed them with another, and whether that person was M or S would not be the most important issue.

 

I am interested because I seek wisdom. I could never cheat with someone who is married, I would be embarrassed to. It would also torment me that I am betraying a married spouse somewhere with their cheating MM/MW. It shows a huge lack of respect for the institution of marriage AND the BS. So I am trying to find out why someone would do that knowingly.