Being judgmental.

[Silly_Girl]

great.....yet when it happens, you remain silent. So your qualifying of your statement falls a little short:o cuz it happens....don't see ya chiming in when it does.

 

ya ya I know...you haven't seen anything of the sort over in infidelity:rolleyes:

 

You're such a stirrer. And a poor one at that. I've posted maybe 4 times over there and rarely read, that's why. And what I HAVE read has not been BS-bashing. I'm still entitled to say that I would find it as bad if it were happening over there (if I were to SEE it happening over there).

[Dexter Morgan]

When BSs get treated badly on the Infidelity forum is it by other BSs or by OW?

 

From what I have seen it is mostly done by other BSs.

 

its called selective reading

 

and in case you are thinking that telling them to man up or wake up, or something like that is being treated badly, you are mistaken. We've been in there shoes. I was woken up by a friend in real life that could see what I couldn't, I was just being a cowering lapdog. Sometimes a smack upside the head helps tremendously. And the smack can be delivered with compassion....we know what they are going through.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[Dexter Morgan]

You're such a stirrer. And a poor one at that. I've posted maybe 4 times over there and rarely read, that's why. And what I HAVE read has not been BS-bashing.

 

OM/OW have time and time again tried to put the blame on the BS over in infidelity. Oh they try to say they aren't, but they are.

 

They'll insinuate that they aren't giving something to the marriage and thats why they got cheated on, crap like that. Of course OW/OM don't see it as bashing, because they have justified it in their minds as to why cheating happens.......because the cheated were neglectful, didn't meet every single one of their needs, and they try to justify the cheater's actions.

 

to me, telling someone they were cheated on because of something they did or didn't do is bashing....oh...and by the way.......judgement.

[Silly_Girl]

OM/OW have time and time again tried to put the blame on the BS over in infidelity. Oh they try to say they aren't, but they are.

 

They'll insinuate that they aren't giving something to the marriage and thats why they got cheated on, crap like that. Of course OW/OM don't see it as bashing, because they have justified it in their minds as to why cheating happens.......because the cheated were neglectful, didn't meet every single one of their needs, and they try to justify the cheater's actions.

 

to me, telling someone they were cheated on because of something they did or didn't do is bashing....oh...and by the way.......judgement.

 

Ok DM. But just because my assertions do not correlate to yours does not mean I'm lying

[Ellin]

Then what are you arguing about as this was not what the OP was talking about to begin with. Saying that affairs are wrong is a strongly held conviction by many, not a judgment about a person unless the person reading it is extrapolating the poster to be saying that they themselves are "wrong" as in bad for doing so. Saying that the BS is bitchy and unattractive is judgment about the BS, not a general statement. See where I am coming from with this?

Exactly! That's why I said that these two are completely different things.

Saying that A are wrong is a strongly held conviction by many and if they say that to a person engaging in an A then it they automatically express a negative moral judgement of this person - that's obvious.

 

The conviction that A are wrong is quite prevalent in all societies and cultures, we all know that, including people who are in an A. They themselves might be doing it against their own values, but this forum is supposed to be for emotional support and negative moral judgment is the opposite of that.

 

The "judgment" (in different meaning: like a guess based on all available information, nothing to do with morality) of a particular person or persons known IRL can be unkind and malicious, like in the earlier example of BS being unattractive etc (particular ones, knows by a particular poster IRL), but this is different from saying that this individual is a bad person who engages in some immoral acts. This is just a criticism of a person, based on something specific, although perhaps motivated by the critic's own ulterior motives.

 

To make it equal, a BS might say malicious things about OW, which happens sometimes, for example that she was lonely, desperate, loose or whatever.

 

But on the moral side OW/OM are the ones getting all the bashing, as being BS is not an immoral act, and there is a tendency to view OW as culprits, who only get what they deserve if in pain, and BS as nothing but innocent wronged victims, who only deserve sympathy no matter what they do, just by the virtue of being BS, while they might have (MIGHT) contributed to the destruction of their M or have A themselves.

 

Why are other self-proclaimed OWs trying so hard to distance themselves from Lizzie? Interesting. Either way, just because the OP only mentioned those two posts does not limit her observation to them. Its a very common trend in this forum. The negative characterization of the BS (maybe because of things said by the MP, or not) and negative judgments about their character and motives are commonplace by many OP. But when the same judgment is applied to them, they cry foul.

 

That, is the hypocrisy spoken about in the OP.

I don't know what a "self-proclaimed" OW is but in case you're talking about me I never proclaimed myself that.. And I'm not trying hard to distance myself from Lizzie. I don't even know Lizzie's story and I only gathered from this thread that she criticized some OW she knows IRL and drew some conclusions about them in particular. I don't see what this has got to do with moral judgment.

[Ellin]

I'll call 'em as I see 'em. If someone is being treated poorly on these forums, I try to defend them...I don't care which side of the infidelity fence they are on.

 

This is exactly what my stance is. It doesn't matter if the person treated poorly is BS, OP, MP or anything else. It's the principle that counts of how people should be treated, especially when they're vulnerable.

 

I'd never dream of being unkind to someone because of what particular problem they're experiencing and only be nice to those who are going through something similar to my problem.

[fooled once]

No FO. I pop over there on occasion if I a thread topic appeals to me.

 

Well that stinks and maybe the 2 boards could do with being more respectful of one another. Else there's not much point in splitting them, may as well have one big judgmental board and accept it'll be a bitch-fest offering no support whatsoever

 

agree

 

How ironic that a thread purporting to be about hypocrisy in being judgmental is both so judgmental (about Lizzie - and by implication, other OW, whether or not the ascribed quote applies to them or not) and in doing so, betrays its own hypocrisy!

 

There are claims that some OWs post nasty posts to hurting BSs over on Infidelity. That may well be so - I've seen no threads linked, and haven't seen any such posts myself, so for now it's just an unsupported claim rather than a fact - but whether or not that's true, it makes it no less hateful, wrong, and against the TOS, to use the OW forum as a vehicle to vent one's own wrath at the evils of infidelity rather than addressing - rationally, calmly and maturely - the situation an individual poster posits in their thread.

 

And if anyone can't tell the difference, perhaps they need more help than this forum can provide.

 

are you implying I am lying? I was under the impression that we are not allowed to link posts, but if I get the okay from Tony, I would be happy to link 4 posts I just went and found for you so that you will 'believe' that many times, OW go to infidelity and take a stab at the BW who has posted. Many times, posts are deleted because they have been reported for violating the community guidelines. But considering this is off topic, and I don't want more infractions, I will end this here. Tony - are we allowed to link posts from other forums to prove a point?

[Mutant Debutante]

Yep. Totally. I'll be honest though, I've never said to my best friend, or sister, or colleague 'yes, but is that REALLY what happens, you're only giving me your side of things aren't you?'.

 

.

 

 

I have. My mother, mostly. She's the most self-absorbed person I've ever met, and her side of the story is usually totally warped to make herself look better, to make everyone listening sympathize with her. She doesn't even know she's doing it half the time. She also hardly ever recognizes that anybody else could even HAVE another side to the story, everything she thinks is always right and everyone else is just a prop to her drama . You HAVE to ask her twenty times to really analyze everything she says to get anything close to what might be the real truth. I know this is not the case for all the people on this board but this glaring flaw in her character is probably part of the reason why she has been an OW so many times, AND a WW.

 

Mom's an extreme case I know but I think everybody should ask these questions of each other all the time. We all could look at things more objectively, right?

[Tony]

There are so many off topic posts in the last 75 I'm getting dizzy. Thank all of you for participating. This thread had a nice run.