Being judgmental.

[greengoddess]

Nope.. My personal life belongs to me.. I've been in long term relationships twice in my life (in fact, most of my life).. so I think I can discuss these subjects with my friends, etc.. but what I do in my bedroom belongs to me.. my personal life doesn't stop me from giving good advices to my friends, plus at my age.. I have a lot of life experience..

 

sorry I just have to ask and I don't think you will mind answering. Have you ever slept with these women's husbands? It really is quite fascinating.

[BB07]

Yes and it seems their judgment of the bs based on no known facts is what helps them to justify their affar in their mind.

 

We all make judgments of anyone that our spouse/AP/BF/GF had past relationships with, there is nothing unique about that. Whether the information we have is factional or not is well who the hell knows:eek:, but we do make judgments and that is not unique to affairs. It's just the way it is.

Of course in a affair situation it is more complicated and if the affair partner is feeling some guilt and remorse, there are going to be justifications also, some times they are real, sometimes they are not. It depends on each situation, but blanket statements are not accurate IMO.

[Silly_Girl]

Can you point out examples of ow bashing because I really do not see it. Most times when their is ow bashing it is the former ow doing it trying to help a young woman see clearly.

 

Yes I will do but I'm on my phone right now and it's a pig of a job. I'll come back to it. Hope that's okay

[Lizzie60]

sorry I just have to ask and I don't think you will mind answering. Have you ever slept with these women's husbands? It really is quite fascinating.

 

You mean my friend's husbands? If that's what you meant.. the answer is NO... I would NEVER EVER sleep with my friends' H... my friendship with these women is SACRED..

[greengoddess]

We all make judgments of anyone that our spouse/AP/BF/GF had past relationships with, there is nothing unique about that. Whether the information we have is factional or not is well who the hell knows:eek:, but we do make judgments and that is not unique to affairs. It's just the way it is.

 

Of course in a affair situation it is more complicated and if the affair partner is feeling some guilt and remorse, there are going to be justifications also, some times they are real, sometimes they are not. It depends on each situation, but blanket statements are not accurate IMO.

 

EXACTLY, so why is it the people who do not condone affairs constantly get beat down and called judgmental.

[bohogirl]

What irks me is when a BS says to an OW "it's your own fault you should have known better" or something along those lines. Would they say that to the BS of a serial cheater looking to vent on LS?

[YellowShark]

I completely disagree, I think most OW/OM would love to know the story from the bs's side. It would either confirm that they have heard truth or that it was a lie.

 

Here's my take. Since the OM/OW are engaged in a dishonest act - (an affair with a married person) - I am pretty sure the WS - (who is being dishonest in the first place by cheating) - is not telling the truth about their BS.

 

Therefore 9 times out of 10 the WS demonizes the BS in order to defend what is really indefensible - (the affair.)

 

There was one thread here a while ago where the BS and OW did compare notes and damn! That was a geat thread cuz they both decided to confront the cheating MM. It really showed the depths of the MM's mischaracterization of the BS to the OW.

 

If anyone has a link to it please feel free to post it, it was amazing.

[greengoddess]

What irks me is when a BS says to an OW "it's your own fault you should have known better" or something along those lines. Would they say that to the BS of a serial cheater looking to vent on LS?

 

:laugh:actually yes I think they would. If a woman was cheated on over and over again and kept taking him back then yes it is her own fault. She knew he was a serial cheater and should have expected to be cheated on again.

[2sure]

For me, what I find frustrating...is that OW are repeatedly told the same song and dance about MM's wife, family, circumstance. Same story given by MM as to why they cant leave. They are always the hero, the martyr, the victim. I mean...if OW wants to have an affair with a MM...I cannot judge her. I did it. I'm not a bad person. But....dont believe that crap. Its crap! You hurt yourself, you lie to yourself when you swallow that. If you are going to have an affair - this should not be a requirement. Yet it is, thats why they use it.

 

Also...lately it has been bothering me when people begin their story - mostly WS: I was never someone capable of cheating until...

 

Thats a cop out. And thats ok, but until you realize you were/are capable of cheating all on your own....you arent going to change, you arent going to be content.

[bohogirl]

:laugh:actually yes I think they would. If a woman was cheated on over and over again and kept taking him back then yes it is her own fault. She knew he was a serial cheater and should have expected to be cheated on again.

 

A little judgmental don't you think? What about if she's puttingthe welfare of her kids first like so many MM do.

[BB07]

Yes but how long did it take you to hear the truth? For how long did you believe everything the mm said? If they want to learn the truth then why hang in an affair for years. TELL the wife and the truth will come out. It's really quite simple.

 

Well what happened with me is not the usual assuming you don't know my backstory, but I'll bite.

I did not believe everything that came out of his mouth, I always knew there were two sides to a story and I knew I didn't understand the dynamics of their relationship, but yet I will be the first to tell you that I believed parts of it. I think the way I viewed it is probably the way most OW view it, (they aren't as naive and silly as some people here would like to believe.) Unless they really are that young and naive.

Anyway....When we love someone, we want to believe them, want to trust them, that is true whether you are a wife, a OW or a GF. People don't just give their whole heart away in one minute, it's a gradual process for ANYONE. Pulling away from a relationship is also a gradual process for most, (unless you are one of the lucky ones who can just walk away like snapping your fingers.) It takes a while for the whole heart to pull away, just like it took a while for the whole heart to be given. Sure sometimes it takes a hell of a lot longer than it should, but that can be said for OW and also a BS, right?

 

I won't debate with you about talking to the wife, in my situation it sure was a huge eye opener for both of us, but yet, that would not always be the case.

 

There are no hard and fast facts for every situation. Be nice if there were........but there isn't.

[Snowflower]

What irks me is when a BS says to an OW "it's your own fault you should have known better" or something along those lines. Would they say that to the BS of a serial cheater looking to vent on LS?

 

Actually, yes. Have you read over on the infidelity forum? They can be a tough love group over there sometimes and have absolutely no problem immediately rushing to the worst case scenario with a BS.

 

And for the record, one doesn't have to be a BS to think that infidelity is wrong on so many levels. Most people have an issue with betrayal and lies, even if it is not directed at them.

[donnamaybe]

You mean my friend's husbands? If that's what you meant.. the answer is NO... I would NEVER EVER sleep with my friends' H... my friendship with these women is SACRED..

But as you are so fond of insisting, you would be making their marriages oh, so much better.

 

Wouldn't a friend want to help make their friends' marriages better?

[Lizzie60]

But as you are so fond of insisting, you would be making their marriages oh, so much better.

 

Wouldn't a friend want to help make their friends' marriages better?

 

Probably... but I couldn't do that to MY friends.. and they're not my type.. (but that's not the reason)

[donnamaybe]

A little judgmental don't you think? What about if she's puttingthe welfare of her kids first like so many MM do.

But if the BS who continually goes back over and over to a cheater, regardless of the reason, is on a message board WHINING about the cheating, then yes. It IS the BS's fault. That's not being judgmental. That's merely an observation, and an astute one at that.

[BB07]

YS.........said..

Here's my take. Since the OM/OW are engaged in a dishonest act - (an affair with a married person) - I am pretty sure the WS - (who is being dishonest in the first place by cheating) - is not telling the truth about their BS.

NO argument from me about the affair being a dishonest act, 100% agree with you there.

 

Therefore 9 times out of 10 the WS demonizes the BS in order to defend what is really indefensible - (the affair.)

 

That is your opinion but you don't know for a fact that it happens 9 times out of 10, which is not to say it doesn't happen, it certainly does but I have issue with your statement as fact.

 

There was one thread here a while ago where the BS and OW did compare notes and damn! That was a geat thread cuz they both decided to confront the cheating MM. It really showed the depths of the MM's mischaracterization of the BS to the OW.

 

Are you talking about MY thread with the BS??

If anyone has a link to it please feel free to post it, it was amazing.

[bohogirl]

For me, what I find frustrating...is that OW are repeatedly told the same song and dance about MM's wife, family, circumstance. Same story given by MM as to why they cant leave. They are always the hero, the martyr, the victim. I mean...if OW wants to have an affair with a MM...I cannot judge her. I did it. I'm not a bad person. But....dont believe that crap. Its crap! You hurt yourself, you lie to yourself when you swallow that. If you are going to have an affair - this should not be a requirement. Yet it is, thats why they use it.

 

.

 

I was not a professional OW. I loved someone who spent more time with me than at home.

 

It wasn't until I came here and read the stories that i discovered that there is a MM "play book". I cannot rewrite history what is done is done. I also won't beat myself up because I trusted someone who proved untrustworthy. I mean untrustworthy to ME. I trust until I am given a reason not to. It worked for me until this one relationship. I am not off men. I just pay more attention to character. See I learnt my lesson.

[donnamaybe]

It wasn't until I came here and read the stories that i discovered that there is a MM "play book".

Then you ARE smarter than the average bear.

 

Would that others could be the same. I mean, who would seriously believe anything a guy had to say after being strung along in a 5 year A?

[BB07]

Sigh that term is so tiresome. So many times you read that people who find affairs morally wrong are just bitter judgmental people but is that not what the ow is doing?

 

The ow makes judgments of the bs DAILY. They justify their relationship with the mm through their own judgments of a woman they do not even know.

 

As lizzie said in another thread.

 

 

These are all judgments she has made about the bs. You without knowing the bs form an opinion of her and judge her not to be worthy of her husband. You judge her to be a bad mom, a bad housekeeper, fat, lazy and even a lousy lover.

 

I am so tired of hearing that people are being judgmental when they find affairs to be offensive. The pw is doing much more judging daily than the bs. It is so hypocritical.

 

Sometimes a response is clearly bitter and judgmental, I see it over on the infidelity board also. As an example the ones (not naming any names) who come here and make a one line hit and run post, that is nothing helpful but it's just made to piss off and be rude and crude to the OP. That is so beyond bitter and angry and if it was my website, I'd ban those posters PDQ.

We all carry our own experiences and frame of mind into what we say here, it's called being human. Sometimes we all have a bad day and we maybe vent some of it here and take it out on someone else. Sometimes I see someone new (who doesn't know the history of a particular poster) take a comment and assume it was bitter and angry. Hey I did that when I was new. It's kinda OT, but I've saw this happen more than once here and this is the thing that just kills me and makes me think sometimes places like this are very, very dangerous. A abused woman posts about her situation and she admits she had an affair. Some of the vultures jump on her like a feeding frenzy about the affair and totally forget that the main issue is abuse. Stuff like that really, really makes me want to go in my mouth. So bitter and judgmental does happen, more on the infidelity and marriage boards than here, IMO.

 

YS.......I don't mean to pick on you, but because of what happened to you, sometimes your anger clearly does come through and hey I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry, you damn sure do! It's where you are in life right now and you still have a lot of pain.

[bohogirl]

But if the BS who continually goes back over and over to a cheater, regardless of the reason, is on a message board WHINING about the cheating, then yes. It IS the BS's fault. That's not being judgmental. That's merely an observation, and an astute one at that.

 

 

You assume that a BS coming to LS would be WHINING about her situation rather than looking for the support necessary to raise her kids. Not every couple can afford to divorce.

 

Furthermore, many BS stay with their spouse because they want their kids to be raised by both parents. The extra curricular activities of the spouse does not mean that they don't co-parent very well or there is tension in the household.

 

Would you not have any compassion for this woman?

[BB07]

this is one of the best posts i've read on this board.

 

agree!

[BB07]

I have no issue with anyone else's moral stance on anything. Many people who have been the the BS post insightful and helpful comments. Helpful and hurtful are two different things. Helpful does not consist of telling me I am right or agreeing with me. Some of the most useful are from the ones which disagree. It is the pointless one line digs I feel are unwelcome.

 

 

Awesome post and so true. I totally agree with lilbunny in that the caring and concern that is illustrated by either a bs or a row or an ow can really help. It doesn't matter who it comes from, if it's caring and kind.

[2sure]

Furthermore, many BS stay with their spouse because they want their kids to be raised by both parents. The extra curricular activities of the spouse does not mean that they don't co-parent very well or there is tension in the household.

 

Many?? Many? Where is ONE? I mean, sure. Ive heard of and known spouses to turn a blind eye for the sake of apprearances or family. But they are not co-parenting and there IS tension. If a guy says his wife knows and is ok with it...unless it is an open marriage...she may suspect, but she doesnt know.

[donnamaybe]

You assume that a BS coming to LS would be WHINING about her situation rather than looking for the support necessary to raise her kids. Not every couple can afford to divorce.

 

Furthermore, many BS stay with their spouse because they want their kids to be raised by both parents. The extra curricular activities of the spouse does not mean that they don't co-parent very well or there is tension in the household.

 

Would you not have any compassion for this woman?

If they're whining about the cheating, that is NOT looking for support to raise her kids.

 

And of course I would feel bad that she wound up with a louse, but it's like the gal at the reception desk at my office. She continually whines about bad things going on in her life, but SHE INVITES IT CONSTANTLY! Then when she comes to me and tells me something awful that happened and I try to then advise her (like telling her to kick out her alcoholic ex who, back when they were married, threw a beer bottle at her and she still carries the scar on her face), she raises her voice and gets *****ty with me. I mean, how long can one REALLY feel sorry for a person like that? Or like someone in a 5 year affair who calls the MM's infidelity "split self" syndrome or some such psychobabble. It's merely enabling and helps no one. No one but the cheater, that is.

[BB07]

I agree. Even if the married spouse finally ends up with the OM/OW happily, the carnage that is created until that point is huge.

 

I totally agree, but we as humans want to believe that love can conquer all.

 

When I see a wedding ring, it's a giant waving red flag that says to me DANGER! KEEP AWAY!

 

OH hell-o, you can bet I won't be getting anywhere near anyone who wears a ring and I want proof of a divorce, no more separated men for me, I don't give a damn if they have been separated for 20 years.....never, never, never.

In the cases that the married spouse lies to the OM/OW and hides their marriage from them... well that is a double betrayal and REALLY REALLY creepy.

 

Yes it was.......did I say yes it was.