Gf's family vs relationship - Faith vs relationship yet again

[drken]

I recently read a post on this board called "Faith vs Relationship" with a woman who was dating a non-Christian, even though she is Christian. It had some good advice, but I'm in a different position and would like some advice from this board.

 

First, I'm the non-Christian. I am agnostic and have been for a number of years. My girlfriend, "Alyssa", and I have been dating for about 3 1/2 months and are very much in love. She is Christian, practicing in both the Lutheran and Methodist churches because one parent is Lutheran and the other Methodist, though I forget which. Both of us are college students attending the same school though we live about six hours apart between semesters.

 

Anyway, her parents recently sat down with her and basically told her that they completely disapprove of our relationship because I am agnostic. Alyssa is also under 21, making her a minor in the state she lives in, and her parents are also threatening to remove her from the college we attend and keep her home, three hours from this college, and send her to a nearby community college until she "grows up".

 

I recently explained to Alyssa's parents what my religion is and what it means in my own words, and they sounded sympathetic over the phone and understanding, though not immediately accepting. This was perfectly understandable as in the conservative areas of the Midwest things like this are not expected and take time to sink in. But I was not expecting them to completely turn on me and their daughter following their display of sympathy.

 

Here's the gist of it all. Let me first say that each of these next few statements is what Alyssa told me regarding what her parents said, all of which is false. Anyway, Alyssa's parents feel that I won't allow her to attend church because of my religion (or lack of it, depending on your point of view). They also feel that I won't allow any children Alyssa and I may have if we marry to attend church and will deny them the right to see their own grandchildren. They also feel that I will be controlling of her. All of these claims seem to be completely centralized on the sole fact that I am agnostic and nothing else.

 

The problem appears to be getting her parents to understand both of us, which at this point seems easier said than done if not near impossible. It appears that Alyssa's parents are making her choose between her family, and included in that is her faith, and her relationship with me, and I don't want her to make a decision of that magnitude nor do I want our relationship to seem like that.

 

Is there anything I can do? Alyssa and I are both completely upset, angry, and totally confused on this. I want to talk to her parents on this, and I know that I should wait a little before doing this. Any tips on this mark? I am open for advice.

 

Thank you all very much in advance.

[Darkangelism]

In which state are you a minor until 21? There isnt much that you can do, expect hide it from her parents.

[befuddled11]

It sounds like these "statements" from her parents are in actual fact, their greatest fears. I guess I can't say I blame them. It's no secret that a lot of Christian parents wish for their children to date and eventually marry someone of the same faith/religious background. Yes, there can be problems for a couple who has such diametrically opposed views......I personally believe it's helpful in a relationship to share the same religious foundation, but that's just my personal opinion. I think it's also easier to raise children if both parents come from the same spiritual/religious point of view......otherwise it can be quite confusing to the children (Mommy, why do you take us to church but Daddy won't go? Daddy, why don't you believe in God?, etc).

 

Obviously her parent's faith and beliefs are very important to them, and they've no doubt raised their daughter with this same faith and beliefs.....and it scares them to imagine her with someone who, over time, could directly or indirectly help to diminish her Christian beliefs, etc.

 

It sounds like they're just very scared.......but on the other hand, you're a human being...just because you don't believe in the existence of God, it's not like you're pondscum :-)

 

The thing with them wanting to pull her out of the college she attends...that sounds extreme. Maybe there's a bit of "controlling" and "overprotective" in there, too. How old is she?

 

So when her parents state these things that you're supposedly doing (not letting her go to church, etc)..I'd be curious to know what SHE says to them....does she dispute these things?

[brashgal]

Have you done anything to prevent Alyssa from attending church or practicing her religion(s)? Is she expressing to her parents that she might not believe in God the way she did before? If the answer to these questions is 'no', sounds like they are pretty controlling.

 

To be honest with you, there isn't much that you are going to be able to do here. They know what they want for Alyssa and if they are footing the bill for college, they have some say in where she attends college. Is this going to change the way Alyssa ultimately feels about you, or religion in general? Only time will tell.

 

As the parent of a young adult, I know better than to push an issue like this - if I insisted my son stay away from a particular individual I am pretty sure it would only serve to push him into her arms. I'd much rather have him come to the conclusion himself. I wouldn't ignore the issue but I wouldn't give him an ultimatum the way they seem to be. I'd express my views and let him decide.

 

Good luck.