My emotionally absent son

[smoochie]

Hi All,

 

I have a great son. He recently started a good college on scholarship and we are really proud of him. There are three of us, me, him, and my daughter living in our home. We hug and kiss all the time in our home. I have never missed a function of his in his entire life. Our home is drama free and loving. My daughter is outgoing and loves people, like myself. My son is different. He will hang around but prefers to be alone or video games. He is respectful and listens to me but he has never said I love you on his own....in 18 years. As a small child, we even named our hugs so I thought he just grew out of it. He says we are overreacting but he doesn't seem to love us/me. There is no sorted past or abuse/drugs. No reason to hate me at all. It's hard for me to give, give, give my love now that he is grown and he gives nothing in return.

 

We only want some returned affection but heck he acts like he is simply tolerating us sometimes. He says he will be more affectionate but I am hurt because I love my son and I have given and sacrificed so much for him to have a good life and loving home, not that he owes me anything but I would like to at least hear he loves me. The only time he says he loves me is when I tell him I love him first. It hurts so bad.

 

And we have always been close (or so I thought). Anyone have any insight on this?

 

Thanks.

[Angel1111]

Hmmm....the only thing I can think of is that either your son feels uncomfortable saying 'i love you' on his own, or he perhaps thinks it's over-used and has lost its meaning. I'm not saying that you're too affectionate, it just may be how he sees it.

 

Teenage males go through a lot emotionally and even he may not understand why he acts as he does. I guess what concerns me is that if he's in college, why isn't he living on campus, or going somewhere so that he's away from home? Maybe that's not possible, but I think it's good for kids to get out on their own and learn to be their own person. Your son may be withdrawing because he wants more freedom and more space, and he may not even be aware of that. Maybe he's subconsciously creating that space by hiding in his room and tuning everything out.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. As a parent, you already know that he loves you and that he is probably a somewhat confused and introspective teen. In a person's late teens and early 20's, they're usually trying to figure out who they are. Not everything our kids do and feel has to do with us. He may have his own issues that he's trying to work out. He may be resentful that his dad isn't around or that he doesn't have a male figure in his life. But the more you make an issue of this, I think the more he's going to withdraw. Just continue to let him know that you love him and that you're there for him, and that he's ok just as he is. He may be so used to being the man of the house that he takes his responsibility seriously and thinks that's how he should behave. I think it'll all work out because he's got a loving family.

Edited September 9, 2010 by Angel1111

[mohdhm]

hey smoochie,

 

don't worry about it, as a soon i found it difficult to say "i love you" to anyone, even people that i care about and worry about. Also i'm the type that withdraws and plays video games... and angel1111 has very valid points (all of them).

[florence of suburbia]

1. People show love in different ways. Not everyone expresses it in words.

 

2. Give him space. Maybe he never says it first because you never pause long enough to give him the chance!

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's perfectly normal and common for young adults of both genders to cool off on displays of affection. It's an intense time of life. He might not even be in touch with his love for you and his sister, but it doesn't mean that he does not love you.

 

It really sounds like he's a lot different type of person than you are as well. He might be feeling smothered and some pressure around "love" and cuddly affection.

 

My daughter, who is now 23, refused to hug me for about 10 years. I would have to launch a sneak attack to hug her, and she'd be pissed! She went to Alaska for the summer, and she hugged me goodbye. That's the first time that she has voluntarily hugged me in so long. We laughed about it.

 

Honestly, I don't think it is our place as parents to get ANY of our emotional needs met through our children. They should be left alone to develop and sort those things out on their own.

[candymoon]

Well, she says he's never shown affection even as a child.

 

We are all born with our personality traits. So it looks as though he was always introverted. There is nothing wrong with that. Your daughter takes after you... so maybe he takes after his dad? Is/was his father not the affectionate type?

 

Maybe as he experiences the world he will see value in outward affection. But then again, it just might not be in his make-up. As you said, even as a little boy he never did these things.

 

Just as anyone else, you will have to accept his love as he is able to give it. Not in physical expression as you would like, but maybe he does other things. Sounds like he keeps out of trouble, excels in school and helps around the house? Maybe to him, this is how love is shown as opposed to how you and his sister express it.

[smoochie]

Hmmm....the only thing I can think of is that either your son feels uncomfortable saying 'i love you' on his own, or he perhaps thinks it's over-used and has lost its meaning. I'm not saying that you're too affectionate, it just may be how he sees it.

 

Teenage males go through a lot emotionally and even he may not understand why he acts as he does. I guess what concerns me is that if he's in college, why isn't he living on campus, or going somewhere so that he's away from home? Maybe that's not possible, but I think it's good for kids to get out on their own and learn to be their own person. Your son may be withdrawing because he wants more freedom and more space, and he may not even be aware of that. Maybe he's subconsciously creating that space by hiding in his room and tuning everything out.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. As a parent, you already know that he loves you and that he is probably a somewhat confused and introspective teen. In a person's late teens and early 20's, they're usually trying to figure out who they are. Not everything our kids do and feel has to do with us. He may have his own issues that he's trying to work out. He may be resentful that his dad isn't around or that he doesn't have a male figure in his life. But the more you make an issue of this, I think the more he's going to withdraw. Just continue to let him know that you love him and that you're there for him, and that he's ok just as he is. He may be so used to being the man of the house that he takes his responsibility seriously and thinks that's how he should behave. I think it'll all work out because he's got a loving family.

 

 

Thank you for replying. He does live on campus. He just came home to work an event we work together for two days.

 

You are right and I guess I never saw it that way, him creating space. That's a good point.

[smoochie]

It's perfectly normal and common for young adults of both genders to cool off on displays of affection. It's an intense time of life. He might not even be in touch with his love for you and his sister, but it doesn't mean that he does not love you.

 

It really sounds like he's a lot different type of person than you are as well. He might be feeling smothered and some pressure around "love" and cuddly affection.

 

My daughter, who is now 23, refused to hug me for about 10 years. I would have to launch a sneak attack to hug her, and she'd be pissed! She went to Alaska for the summer, and she hugged me goodbye. That's the first time that she has voluntarily hugged me in so long. We laughed about it.

 

Honestly, I don't think it is our place as parents to get ANY of our emotional needs met through our children. They should be left alone to develop and sort those things out on their own.

 

I agree, we shouldn't look to get our needs met through our kids. But I guess because we were always so close and it seems like he is just lukewarm with us. I will relax and enjoy my dance classes. Thanks everyone for responding, I appreciate all the valid points and kind encouragement.

[D-Lish]

I've never been affectionate, but some people just aren't inclined that way. I've always run from hugs from my parents, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Doesn't mean I love them less- I just don't like a physical touch with my family members.

[mike10522]

Funny how it's always the other way around, I never got hugs from my dad and wanted em. But my guess is he's just growing up and ready to get his life going, but as he get's old he'll also turn into the lil boy who comes home for mom you once knew. Witnessed it many times.

[Not the love ace]

Hmmm....the only thing I can think of is that either your son feels uncomfortable saying 'i love you' on his own, or he perhaps thinks it's over-used and has lost its meaning. I'm not saying that you're too affectionate, it just may be how he sees it.

 

Teenage males go through a lot emotionally and even he may not understand why he acts as he does. I guess what concerns me is that if he's in college, why isn't he living on campus, or going somewhere so that he's away from home? Maybe that's not possible, but I think it's good for kids to get out on their own and learn to be their own person. Your son may be withdrawing because he wants more freedom and more space, and he may not even be aware of that. Maybe he's subconsciously creating that space by hiding in his room and tuning everything out.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. As a parent, you already know that he loves you and that he is probably a somewhat confused and introspective teen. In a person's late teens and early 20's, they're usually trying to figure out who they are. Not everything our kids do and feel has to do with us. He may have his own issues that he's trying to work out. He may be resentful that his dad isn't around or that he doesn't have a male figure in his life. But the more you make an issue of this, I think the more he's going to withdraw. Just continue to let him know that you love him and that you're there for him, and that he's ok just as he is. He may be so used to being the man of the house that he takes his responsibility seriously and thinks that's how he should behave. I think it'll all work out because he's got a loving family.

 

Listen to these words Smoochie.

[GooseChaser]

I think he could be focused and occupied with college and wants to build more independence. Of course he still cares about you! Don't doubt that!

[jimrich]

Dear Smoochie:

re: I have a great son. He recently started a good college on scholarship and we are really proud of him. There are three of us, me, him, and my daughter living in our home. We hug and kiss all the time in our home. I have never missed a function of his in his entire life. Our home is drama free and loving. My daughter is outgoing and loves people, like myself. My son is different. He will hang around but prefers to be alone or video games. He is respectful and listens to me but he has never said I love you on his own....in 18 years.

.. I can only offer a son's perspective on this. I did not say 'I love you' to very many folks because I was not taught and programed by my parents to say it and if I ever did, it was uncomfortable and embarrassing for me. The way your describe your family and his upbringing, there seems to be no apparent reason for your son to be reluctant or incapable of expressing his love UNLESS there is something missing in your story. As for me, all or most of my behavior was learned with and for my parents role modeling so, other than some kind of genetic or brain chemistry thing, I can find no explanation for your son's behavior other than you somehow failed to teach and condition him to say 'I love you' and show his feelings in other ways.

 

 

As a small child, we even named our hugs so I thought he just grew out of it. He says we are overreacting but he doesn't seem to love us/me. There is no sorted past or abuse/drugs. No reason to hate me at all. It's hard for me to give, give, give my love now that he is grown and he gives nothing in return.

.... What you say about his childhood and the way he acts now does not make any sense to me other than there has to be something missing in your story or he has some kind of illness (genetics).

 

We only want some returned affection but heck he acts like he is simply tolerating us sometimes.

... That seems like resentment or fear to me and would be rooted in either a genetic issue or childhood problems with his parents.

 

He says he will be more affectionate but I am hurt because I love my son and I have given and sacrificed so much for him to have a good life and loving home, not that he owes me anything

.... Yes, but, is that really true? I'd say his behavior is telling you: "Mom, I resent your demands and expectations of me and stubbornly refuse to give you what you think I OWE you - so there!"

 

but I would like to at least hear he loves me. The only time he says he loves me is when I tell him I love him first. It hurts so bad.

.. Of course it hurts and he probably knows that which may be his underlying intent - to pay you back for whatever pain you gave him long ago. Only you and your son know what the issues are from long ago and only you and him can fix that by bringing it out into the open to examine and repair it if you can.

 

And we have always been close (or so I thought).

.....It is a common problem in relationships to assume and take things for granted about the other person(s) but when examined, through talking or therapy, it turns out that many of those assumptions are completely false and often the total opposite of what we think we know or believe.

 

Anyone have any insight on this?

.... As a son, my only suggestion is to somehow find a way to deeply discuss this with your son either one on one or with the help of a GOOD counselor to get to the core of his feelings and all the possible issues around what is happening. Be prepared to suffer a little and face whatever hidden feelings, events and circumstances are revealed as the Denials and Delusions are lifted off the story. It can hurt but in the end, the TRUTH will be worth finding and your relationship can become wonderful and alive again as the secrets and hidden feelings come up for resolution and HEALING.

The most important thing about examinations is to arrive at truth, reality and finally HEALING or Resolution to long standing unresolved problems and isn't that what you both really want? = ultimate happiness as loving, respectful people in a relationship.

As a son, I can say that my examinations and therapy have given me peace, resolution and a much better relationship with my now dead parents because I now know how and why things went wrong and, best of all, what to do about it (tools) so I will not get into such a mess again with anyone.

To start, search the web, bookstores or counseling for "family" and parenting subjects.

Good luck learning about and repairing your family issues - it's worth the effort.

Edited September 27, 2010 by jimrich
extra info