note to "ma"

[Ajay]

No ma, unfortunately, everything is NOT okay...

 

Everything was going well, better than great until -- we were getting very close to me moving in with him (again) when I starting asking questions. I felt we had a lot to go over before we took the next step. Especially since he was talking, marriage, kids...

 

When the issue of finances came up he told me it was none of my business. I pressed him to discuss it and explained how important it was for me to know about bills, expenses, income, etc. He knows my income, bills, etc.

 

After 18 months of an on-again-off-again relationship, some erratic behavior, signs of alcohol abuse, possibly drugs ? He tells me he is a "drug dealer and a fence" and will do whatever he has to just to make ends meet. He said he didn't want to tell me about it (it was only "temporary") because he was afraid I would leave him if I found out.

 

I explained to him he needed to talk to me and let ME decide what I wanted to do. I left.

 

During all this time, my ex-husband and I have kept in touch, remained friends, etc. He has always wanted us to reconcile, but whenever I spend more than a day or so around him, I see all the same "negative" things that used to bother me about him before. I have read Tony's posts before and feel as he does about reconciliation.

 

I have spent the last month or so spending more time with my ex-husband. He tells me how much I have "grown" since we have been apart and hopes I can see he has too. Actually, the only thing I can see is that he still has a drinking problem (and still won't admit it). His drinking was one of the main reasons I left him in the first place.

 

I think it's finally time (12 years later) to quit hanging on to my past (relationships and mistakes) and try to find somebody new and SOBER!!! Thanks for asking, I have been too embarrassed to post about this but have to admit, I usually feel better after posting and getting it out of my system...

 

Thanks again, Ajay

[Tony T]

I disagree with you that everything is not OK...it sounds GREAT!!!

 

You are making incredible strides in rejecting the bull that life tends to toss at you from time to time. You are becomming a lot stronger.

 

You have realized that being with a drug dealer is not where you want to be after gaining that information. You have realized you don't want to go back to your ex and deal with the drinking once again...the reason you left in the first place.

 

You are not letting guys suck you into their lives of confusion and chaos anymore and I am really proud of that.

 

What is even greater is with your new strength and your refusal to settle for less than what you expect in a man, Mr. Right is right around the corner. I am excited about that...and I hope you are too!!!

[Ajay]

Thank you Tony!

 

You're right -- I have become a LOT stronger, and things are getting better every day.

 

I have had problems with men who have alcohol and/or drug problems (and who lie and/or deny it) for as long as I can remember. It usually takes me months, or years it seems, to actually start believing what I see (their behavior)and not what I hear (when they insist they are telling me the truth and everything is fine).

 

I worked in the medical field for over twenty years -- I know the signs. I have often wondered if something inside of me thinks I will be good for them, and they will change (if only they were given a chance); yeah right!!! I have had self-esteem problems in the past (and still) and guess at times I felt so bad about myself, I didn't think I deserved better.

 

Well, now I know I do. I have made a lot of poor choices and feel like I have lost a lot of time; BUT I have also learned a lot and I guess that's what life is all about so I'll try not to dwell on it too much.

 

I need to work on not repeating the same mistakes again. I still don't know how I get involved with such losers and stay with them for so long despite the misery. That seems to be where I run into trouble. Please explain your angle on that if you're so inclined. (Note: Neither of my parents were into alcohol or drugs.)

 

P.S. Your post actually brought tears to my eyes. It feels good to know someone is "proud" of me.

 

Thanks again, Ajay

[ma]

Ajay,

 

Tony is right. You can tell by your post that you are doing better. You are no longer making excuses for your men and realize you are in a bad position if you stay with them. You are definitely showing some incredible strength here to leave two men behind whom you have invested so much time in only to find out they were no good. Often times when it didn't work out with one guy people would resort back to the ex just b/c he was there and an alternative. I am so glad you were strong enough to turn down both. You are right you need a new healthy sober relationship with someone who can enjoy life without being in an alternate mind frame (drunk, high). Though it may be hard to be out of that comfort zone of having someone around all the time it will definitely be worth it. You need time to heal away from these men and do things for you. I just got back in touch with old friends and started investing more time in the gym and other productive activities when my boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago. It works wonders just to get out of the house. I am so glad thay you have grown so much and sorry that the people around you haven't taken some initiative to be more like you. You are awesome. We all strive to be stronger and not only admit our mistakes (being with losers, though not your fault) but be strong enough to accept them and get out of the situation. Therefore I am very proud of you. There are many of us who wish we had your strength. Keep up the good work and decision making and of course, keep posting. I am not exactly dr. love here with relationships but I would say you are doing an excellent job for yourself. Congratulations.

Thank you Tony! You're right -- I have become a LOT stronger, and things are getting better every day. I have had problems with men who have alcohol and/or drug problems (and who lie and/or deny it) for as long as I can remember. It usually takes me months, or years it seems, to actually start believing what I see (their behavior)and not what I hear (when they insist they are telling me the truth and everything is fine). I worked in the medical field for over twenty years -- I know the signs. I have often wondered if something inside of me thinks I will be good for them, and they will change (if only they were given a chance); yeah right!!! I have had self-esteem problems in the past (and still) and guess at times I felt so bad about myself, I didn't think I deserved better. Well, now I know I do. I have made a lot of poor choices and feel like I have lost a lot of time; BUT I have also learned a lot and I guess that's what life is all about so I'll try not to dwell on it too much. I need to work on not repeating the same mistakes again. I still don't know how I get involved with such losers and stay with them for so long despite the misery. That seems to be where I run into trouble. Please explain your angle on that if you're so inclined. (Note: Neither of my parents were into alcohol or drugs.) P.S. Your post actually brought tears to my eyes. It feels good to know someone is "proud" of me. Thanks again, Ajay