Divorce is final and now I want him back

[zsaleroy]

My husband and I separated about a year ago, and the divorce was final at the end of July. I was the one who left him, mostly due to financial issues and him taking me for granted. Long story short, he didn't want to look for a new job because he was comfortable there, even though he made $50K less than I did and we were struggling with bills. Also, he said I couldn't take time off when we had a baby, which is something I said from the beginning I wanted (1 year off from work, then go back). He controlled all my money, but didn't want to contribute to the household. His attitude was that our families could bail us out if we really needed it. In addition, we were only having sex maybe once a month, initiated by me. We had grown into roommates and I was tired of making all the effort, so I left.

 

During our yearlong separation, I did a lot of "growing." We agreed to see other people. I had met him right out of college, so I had only dated as an "adult" for about a year before settling down. I found that I am pretty good on dates and had most of the men requesting that we date exclusively (which I have avoided doing). While I had fun, no one measured up to my ex.

 

That said, we moved toward divorce. He bought me out of the condo and filed. We both showed up for the court date, and we were the only couple joking around and talking with no drama. When I walked away from the court, my heart was on the ground in pieces ... where it has remained ever since. Every waking second I think of him, and how maybe we were just going through a rough patch and could have worked it out. There was no infidelity, no abuse, etc.

 

Through this year I have realized how close we were, how close our families were, and how I made a HUGE mistake.

 

What do I do? Does anyone have insight?

[2sure]

What are your exes feelings regarding this? has he moved on? Is he in a new relationship? Have any of the things about his job and control changed? Whats changed in your life? Were you able to find a new home successfully? Do you or he have custody of your child? Those changes and the reasons for your change in perspective have to be questioned by you...and then by him. But you came to a good place to do that.

[carhill]

What do I do? Does anyone have insight?

Yes, reread your first paragraph. Also, if you are ambivalent, print it out and take it with you to an IC (individual psychological counselor) and talk about it. Perhaps such interactions will provide you some clarity. This clarity can be the impetus to acceptance and, perhaps, the building of a *new* relationship with the same former spouse. Good luck and welcome to LS

[2sure]

Oh yeah...my D just became final in august. You want to give some thought to 'Buyers Remorse" before you actually DO or SAY anything.

[HopelessinDTW]

My husband and I separated about a year ago, and the divorce was final at the end of July. I was the one who left him, mostly due to financial issues and him taking me for granted. Long story short, he didn't want to look for a new job because he was comfortable there, even though he made $50K less than I did and we were struggling with bills. Also, he said I couldn't take time off when we had a baby, which is something I said from the beginning I wanted (1 year off from work, then go back). He controlled all my money, but didn't want to contribute to the household. His attitude was that our families could bail us out if we really needed it. In addition, we were only having sex maybe once a month, initiated by me. We had grown into roommates and I was tired of making all the effort, so I left.

 

During our yearlong separation, I did a lot of "growing." We agreed to see other people. I had met him right out of college, so I had only dated as an "adult" for about a year before settling down. I found that I am pretty good on dates and had most of the men requesting that we date exclusively (which I have avoided doing). While I had fun, no one measured up to my ex.

 

That said, we moved toward divorce. He bought me out of the condo and filed. We both showed up for the court date, and we were the only couple joking around and talking with no drama. When I walked away from the court, my heart was on the ground in pieces ... where it has remained ever since. Every waking second I think of him, and how maybe we were just going through a rough patch and could have worked it out. There was no infidelity, no abuse, etc.

 

Through this year I have realized how close we were, how close our families were, and how I made a HUGE mistake.

 

What do I do? Does anyone have insight?

Why not just tell him how you feel? What's the worse that can happen...he says no I don't want you back...done now you know where he stands. Or he says I feel the same way or perhaps I feel we can get back if we agree to do X &Y...then you try to work things out through a MC. Just be honest...he'll appreciate that no matter what the outcome.

[Woggle]

Tell him how you feel.

[willowthewisp]

Oh, if only you were my X! If he told me now he made a mistake and wanted to reconcile, I would be overjoyed and it has been way longer than a year since he left. Tell him how you feel, even if it doesn't go well, at least you won't spend your life thinking "what if"?

[Wilie]

Tell him, don't do what we did in our marriage, which was to wait 2 1/2 years to say we each still love each other. You have everything to gain, and really, nothing to lose.. Peace to you..

 

Willie

[habs53]

So another case of how the grass was not greener. I hear more and more of this lately. Tell him how you feel. You never know, maybe he still has something left for you.

[heartbrokensj]

Through this year I have realized how close we were, how close our families were, and how I made a HUGE mistake.

 

What do I do? Does anyone have insight?

 

 

Thanks for posting your story...wish I had some pearls to offer as i am in the midst of what seems like is heading toward divorce.... as others have already advised you, tell him candidly how you feel and see if there is a possible reconcialiation btw you 2. Honesty from this point forward, can only help the 2 of you. From all the self helps books I am have been reading, there are 2 types of divorce, the legal divorce which on the one hand can seem somewhat the least painful as compared to the 2nd type of divorce which is the emotional divorce. It is often the emotional divorce that can take a very long time to get over depending on the individuals involved. Its during that time, like what has occured in your case that the "fog" has cleared and you start to see what you have really losing.

 

Keep us posted and hope we can then see your posts in the second chances forum.

[carhill]

OP, tell us how your ex-spouse has grown during the divorce process and how the reading of the history related in your first paragraph is now changed to a healthier perspective, one worthy of a second chance with you.

 

As I listened to my stbx have her go at manipulating the mediator at our recent settlement conference, I remembered why I was divorcing her and smiled, thinking this young man has such women to look forward to, hopefully with his law background and logic somehow avoiding defeat by simple biology

[zsaleroy]

Thanks for your responses everyone...

 

We actually do not have any children. We talked about having children, and that is when he said I wouldn't be able to take off from work if we did have a child. That was really hard for me to hear at the time, since I was busting my butt to pay the bills while he just stayed comfortable. The situation with his job was that his friend started a business and hired my ex for about $20K per year... even though my ex has a double degree from Boston University in math and econ. Now he also has an MBA.

 

It wasn't until I left him that my ex asked for a raise at work, and his salary is now around $60K. That annoyed me. Also, when he bought me out of the condo, he was able to make $30K appear (from a trust fund I did not have access to while we were married). I wish he would have taken that $30K while we were married and helped me with the bills. I was often doing freelance work in the evening to make ends meet.

 

All of that was frustrating, yes. It sent me into a depression that was EXACTLY like a "fog" as someone described. I felt trapped and hopeless, and imagined myself never being able to pursue my dreams because I was straddled with the role of sole breadwinner. I love working, but I didn't like all the pressure being on me, especially since I would like to have three kids and would take a lower paycheck to receive more flexibility during early motherhood.

 

Aside from all that, he really was my best friend. We were together for so long and spent so much time together that almost everywhere and everything now reminds me of him.

 

I haven't said anything to him like this because I fear it is a case of "the devil I know." But I do feel such love and longing for him, it's getting harder each day to remain silent. He tried to get me back for a long time, and I felt he was just giving me lip service. But looking back, I am now able to recognize that he did actually love me.

 

I am not sure if he's with anyone else right now. I am going out with a mutual friend tomorrow night (my former college roommate who dates his best friend) and I plan to slyly find out if he's dating someone.

 

How much time should I give this before I know it's real and I do want him back? I have only told my older sister, whose response was "do you need to be committed to a mental home?" -- which was more a response to my indecisiveness and the idea of wanting to get back together after a divorce than anything personal about my ex. My family still loves him.

[You Go Girl]

Do you imagine now that your ex would consider seriously the idea of you cutting back on work so that you could have children, and do you imagine him picking up that slack?

It seems to me that this topic in particular--you need the answer before you open up your hearts to each other again.

The trick is finding out the answer without restarting the romance.

[carhill]

OP, this sounds familiar. Interesting how things are suddenly better for him. Sounds like someone thinking a marriage. Very familiar.

[Steadfast]

I get a strange feeling reading your thoughts about financial issues...it seems you're still harboring some hard feelings. Are you? I can't get a grip from reading and don't know whose really committed the wrong here. Sounds like a mix of poor communication and stubborn pride on both sides.

 

Is that reason enough to divorce? Seems you're answering that question on your own.

 

Here's a suggestion; write him a note. Guys love notes (at least this one does) because there's something special about a lady taking the time to write something out by hand. Just for you. Not an email, or a text. (Blah).

 

Maybe all that's needed is for you to open your hearts to each other. I'd be willing to bet he still loves you. 95.0% of the time, if a guy marries a girl he'll love her forever. Just make sure you don't want him now because he stopped trying. That's what my ex is doing and it's too late. She lost me.

[Woggle]

I agree with the statement about making sure you don't just want him back because he has moved on. It seems that many times when a man finally moves and decides that there is no use in trying to make her happy then she all of a sudden wants him back.

 

I agree with the writing a note thing. It shows sincerity and it means something.

[heartbrokensj]

 

Aside from all that, he really was my best friend. We were together for so long and spent so much time together that almost everywhere and everything now reminds me of him.

 

How much time should I give this before I know it's real and I do want him back? I have only told my older sister, whose response was "do you need to be committed to a mental home?" -- which was more a response to my indecisiveness and the idea of wanting to get back together after a divorce than anything personal about my ex. My family still loves him.

 

I like how one LS members says that 95% of the time when a man marries a woman he will most likely love her for a lifetime so with that mindset and the fact that I am a hopeless romantic, I say you have nothing to lose.

Writing it in the form of a note is also a very sincere and genuine way to approach this as it will allow your man the chance to read and re-read slowly your sincere words. Best of luck to you and your loved one! I think we are all rooting for your 2 to successfully reconcile...

[zsaleroy]

OP, this sounds familiar. Interesting how things are suddenly better for him. Sounds like someone thinking a marriage. Very familiar.

 

 

What do you mean by this?

[spriggig]

Sounds like he want's to be on the ground floor of a new business and it might be working if he was able to get such a large raise.

 

The fact that he had 30K socked away shows that he is responsible with money. The fact that he didn't tell you about the savings? Maybe he saw this coming or feels more secure being prepared, or maybe he was afraid of the stereotype of a woman spending all his money.

 

Since there was no affair or abuse, I'd say divorcing him probably really turned him around. There'll be a lot of hard work, discussing all the reasons you left in the first place and what you both need to do to address the lingering problems.

 

Tell him. What do you have to lose at this point?

[carhill]

What do you mean by this?

IME, some people think intimate relationships with their cognitive mind rather than feel them with their emotional mind. The dynamic is an interesting cognitive puzzle and actions and words are intellectual rather than emotional, kind of like a business deal. Hope that works out for him.

[Darth Vader]

My husband and I separated about a year ago, and the divorce was final at the end of July. I was the one who left him, mostly due to financial issues and him taking me for granted. Long story short, he didn't want to look for a new job because he was comfortable there, even though he made $50K less than I did and we were struggling with bills. Also, he said I couldn't take time off when we had a baby, which is something I said from the beginning I wanted (1 year off from work, then go back). He controlled all my money, but didn't want to contribute to the household. His attitude was that our families could bail us out if we really needed it. In addition, we were only having sex maybe once a month, initiated by me. We had grown into roommates and I was tired of making all the effort, so I left.

 

During our yearlong separation, I did a lot of "growing." We agreed to see other people. I had met him right out of college, so I had only dated as an "adult" for about a year before settling down. I found that I am pretty good on dates and had most of the men requesting that we date exclusively (which I have avoided doing). While I had fun, no one measured up to my ex.

 

That said, we moved toward divorce. He bought me out of the condo and filed. We both showed up for the court date, and we were the only couple joking around and talking with no drama. When I walked away from the court, my heart was on the ground in pieces ... where it has remained ever since. Every waking second I think of him, and how maybe we were just going through a rough patch and could have worked it out. There was no infidelity, no abuse, etc.

 

Through this year I have realized how close we were, how close our families were, and how I made a HUGE mistake.

 

What do I do? Does anyone have insight?

 

 

These bolded areas here. You said there was no infidelity, but, you went out and had "fun", I'm assuming that you rode other guys. If you weren't divorced, and was riding other guys, then you did cheat on hubby! Maybe that's why he wanted to Divorce you, have you thought of it the way he may have?

[ArcaneLady]

Your situation sounds a little similar to mine - except the ending. I am currently separated from my husband, and intend on proceeding with the divorce. I will put a thread of my own up later to explain my own situation, but there are a lot of similar elements... he controlled the finances (I was a stay at home mum), we got together very young, we became very distant, etc etc... But my ending will be very different. I tried, and tried for years to work things out. He didn't want to. I loved him very much when we were married, but in the end I realised that our situation (complicated) was never going to get better. Did I want to keep living like this, or did I want to move on? I chose to move on. There is not a day goes by where I feel a pang when I think of him. How happy we once were, how I wish things could have ended up different. And there's the rub - you're looking BACK on what once was. If you could have worked things out in your marriage, then you would have done so. Has anything REALLY changed since you split, or is it just hindsight and longing for a memory? You divorced for a reason, and the fact you can get along better AFTER the divorce means that this is probably the best place for you. My soon to be ex husband and I have been very polite and nice to each other since we split because all the tension is off, there's no reason for conflict, being together is worse than being apart. He was my first and only love, but I cannot say I love him any more because he pretty much doesn't love me, and that to me does not equal what a proper loving marriage makes. You and your ex can stay friends, but chances are if you got back together, you'll end up repeating the same mistakes again. The fact you both signed the papers and hadn't said beforehand "Wait, we're making a mistake, lets talk about this" really says it all, to me. I wish you luck.